Why Men Love Bitches (2 page)

I thank my favorite relatives who watch over me like angels: Tova, Samuel, Arnon, and Yossi Chait.

I thank my readers—my sisters—who tell all their girlfriends about my books, and who have taken the time to write me letters. I thank the good men out there who were kind enough to share how men think. The best part about writing a book such as this is meeting interesting people with a great sense of humor. I thank them for the privilege.

Why Men Love Bitches
is a relationship guide for women who are “too nice.” The word
bitch
in the title does not take itself too seriously—I’m using the word in a tongue-in-cheek way representative of the humorous tone of this book.

The title and the content address what many women think, but don’t say.
Every
woman has felt embarrassed by appearing too needy with a man.
Every
woman has had a man pursue her, only to lose interest the minute she gave in.
Every
woman knows what it feels like to be taken for granted. These problems are common to most women, married and single alike.

So why do men love bitches? An important distinction should be made between the pejorative way the word is usually used, and the way it is used here. Certainly, I’m not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition. The bitch I’m talking about is not the “bitch on wheels” or the mean-spirited character that Joan Collins played on
Dynasty
. Nor is it the classic “office bitch” who is hated by everyone at work.

The woman I’m describing is kind yet strong. She has a strength that is ever so subtle. She doesn’t give up her life, and she won’t chase a man. She won’t let a man think he has a 100 percent “hold” on her. And she’ll stand up for herself when he steps over the line.

She knows what she wants but
won’t
compromise herself to get it. But she’s feminine, like a “Steel Magnolia”—flowery on the outside and steel on the inside. She uses this very femininity to her own advantage. It isn’t that she takes undue advantage of men, because she plays fair. She has one thing the nice girl doesn’t: a
presence of mind
because she isn’t swept away by a romantic fantasy. This presence of mind enables her to wield her power when it is necessary.

In addition, she has the ability to remain cool under pressure. Whereas a woman who is “too nice” gives and gives until she is depleted, the woman with presence of mind knows when to pull back.

Among the hundreds of interviews I conducted with men for the book, over 90 percent laughed and agreed with the title within the first thirty seconds. Some men chuckled as though their best-kept secret had just been revealed. “Men need a mental challenge,” they said. Time and time again, this was the recurrent theme.

The men I interviewed all phrased it slightly differently, but the message didn’t change. “Men like it when a woman has a bit of an
edge
to her,” they said. Two things became clear across the board: First, they would regularly use the phrase
mental challenge
to describe a woman who didn’t appear needy. And second, the word
bitch
was synonymous with their concept of
mental challenge.
And this characteristic, above all, they found attractive.

When I used the phrase
mental challenge
with men, it was immediately clear to them the quality I meant. On the other hand, when I interviewed hundreds of women, rarely did they understand the same phrase. They often related the phrase to intelligence, rather than to neediness. It wasn’t just that my hunch was confirmed by these interviews; they also strengthened my sense of purpose. I thought that anything this
obvious
to men should not be kept a secret from women.

This book addresses the very issues that men
won’t
. He won’t say, “Look, don’t be a doormat,” “Don’t always say yes,” “Don’t revolve your whole world around me.” This book is necessary because
these are things a man will not spell out for his partner
.

In the chapters that follow, you’ll find one message coming through loud and clear: Success in love isn’t about looks; it’s about attitude. The media would have us believe differently. A teenage girl picks up a magazine and reads: “Get that boy’s attention” with an item of clothing, or a certain look. “This nail color or lipstick will wow him,” the magazine assures her. And what does the girl learn? How to obsess over someone else’s approval.

Then there is the issue of how the media treats aging. The teenage woman evolves into a twenty-something woman with confidence, and the media bombards her with negative images of aging. The message here is: Two wrinkles and a stretch mark, and she’s “marked down” like last season’s merchandise that’s sold at half price. And what does she learn? How to obsess over someone else’s
disapproval
.

So what’s the message of this book? It’s that a bit of irreverence is necessary to have any self-esteem at all.
Not
irreverence for people, but rather, for what other people think
. The bitch is an empowered woman who derives tremendous strength from the ability to be an independent thinker, particularly in a world that still teaches women how to be self-abnegating. This woman doesn’t live someone else’s standards, only her own.

This is the woman who plays by her
own
rules, who has a feeling of confidence, freedom, and empowerment. And it’s this feeling that I hope women will glean from reading this book.

The woman who has a positive experience with men possesses the ever-so-subtle qualities I discuss in this book: a sense of humor and an aura that conveys, “I’m driving the train here. I’ll tell you where we get on and where we get off.” This woman has that presence of mind to do what is in her best interest and an attitude that says she doesn’t need to be there. She is there
by choice
.

The bitchy women who are so loved by men give off a devil-may-care quality and, yes, have that “edge.” This is that same edge, coincidentally, that men say they find so magnetic. The difference is this woman isn’t looking for it outside herself; it is a special quality she carries within.

Note: Throughout this book, some names have been changed at the request of those interviewed.

Certainly, the average fashion magazine gives women ridiculous relationship advice that makes it easy to understand why women are so eager to overcompensate: “Play hard to get, then cook him a four-course meal … bake him Valentine’s cookies with exotic sprinkles shipped from Malaysia (just like Martha Stewart). Don’t forget the little doilies and the organic strawberries that you drove two hours to get. Then serve it all to him on the second date, wearing a black lace nightie.” And what is this a recipe for?
Disaster.

Especially when it comes to dealing with a man. With one caveat: If you chase him in a black nightie, first he’ll have sex with you … and then he’ll run.

Why does a man run from a situation like this one? He runs because the woman’s behavior doesn’t suggest that she places a high value on herself. The relationship is new, and the bond between them is relatively shallow. Yet she’s already dealt him her best card.

The fact that she is willing to overcompensate to a virtual stranger immediately suggests one of two things. He’ll either assume she is desperate, or he’ll assume she is willing to sleep with all men right away. Or
both.
What gets lost is his appreciation for her extra effort. Once a man begins to lose respect for a woman because she is willing to subtly devalue herself, he will also lose the desire to get closer to her. Nightie or no nightie.

A dreamgirl, on the other hand, won’t kill herself to impress anyone. This is why the woman he really falls in love with doesn’t serve a four-course meal. And you won’t see her breaking out the fancy china, either. She’ll start out cooking him a one-course meal. (Popcorn.) No fancy doilies. A Tupperware bowl does the trick. She simply asks her guest, “Hey, do you want the bag or the bowl?” Six months later, the same woman throws together a meal and puts down a hot plate in front of him. And what does he say to himself? “Man! I’m special!”

It doesn’t matter if it is pasta with Ragu topped by a meatball you picked up at the corner deli. He’ll say, “This is the best pasta I have ever had in my life!”

Now he feels like a king. And the only difference is the amount of time and effort he had to invest, first. He didn’t get it all right up front and he appreciated it more.

This isn’t about how to play a game or how to manipulate someone. This is about whether you are genuinely needy, or whether you can genuinely show him that you’ll be an equal partner in the relationship. It’s about whether you are capable of
holding your own
in a relationship.

What would happen if you let him know from day one that you are willing to bend over backward? He’d think you’re desperate, and he’d want to see just how far you’d be willing to bend. It is human nature. He’d immediately start to test the waters. The more malleable you’d become, the more he’d expect you to bend. He’ll instantly perceive you as a Duracell battery, as in, “Just how far will she go? How much can I get out of her?”

Nice girls need to know what a bitch understands. Overcompensating or being too eager to please will lessen a man’s respect; it will give the kiss of death to his attraction, and it will put a time limit on the relationship.

Most men don’t perceive a woman who jumps through hoops as someone who offers a mental challenge. Intelligent women make the mistake of assuming that if they hold a higher degree, they can hold their own in a political debate, and they have a good understanding of mid-caps, they offer a man mental stimulation during dinner. But the mental challenge has little to do with conversation. (Granted, if she thinks that Al Green and Alan Greenspan are the same person, then Houston? We have a problem.)

In general, the mental challenge has to do with whether you expect to be respected. It has to do with how you relate to him. It has to do with whether he knows that you aren’t afraid to be without him.

The nice girl makes the mistake of being available all the time. “I don’t want to play games,” she says. So, she lets him see how afraid she is to be without him and he soon comes to feel as though he has a 100 percent hold on her. This is often the point when women begin to complain: “He doesn’t make enough time for me. He isn’t as romantic as he used to be.”

A bitch is more selective about her availability. She’s available sometimes; other times she’s not. But she’s nice. Nice enough, that is, to consider his preferences for when he’d like to see her so that she can
sometimes
accommodate them. Translation? No 100 percent hold.