We Shouldn't and Yet... (25 page)

His eyes flash back to mine and mingling with desire, I see something. It’s probably regret, maybe a little bit of pain? I’m selfish and I know it’s bad, but I want him to suffer too. It’s hurting me to actually know that we have to end this now.

He opens the drawer and snatches a foil packet. He quickly opens it and puts it on. I love watching him do this. It’s probably a sight to see him jacking off. His muscles ripple with his movements. He moves his hand over his length once, twice. The veins in his forearms are visible under his skin and I can’t help but find that picture of him the sexiest I’ve ever seen. He’s naked, his hard cock in his big hand, his muscles flexed and ready to pounce on me as his dark eyes are taking in my body, my heavy breasts, my lips swollen and my eyes still unable to look away from his erection.

He takes his hand off his cock and puts it on my knee. Slowly, drawing out gooseflesh on my skin, he moves upward, taking good care to explore my inner thighs, one then the other, until I’m a quivering mess. His smirk makes an appearance when I thrust my hips, hoping that he’d touch me there. But instead, he shakes his head and blows on my pert nipples. I moan breathlessly.

“Don’t make me beg.’’

He chuckles and leans down to take my nipple in his hot mouth, bites it as he pulls back as I put a hand behind his head to keep him there. “You’re already begging for it, beautiful.’’ He blows on the wet peak and fists himself again, this time bringing the head of his cock against my swollen clit, pushing against it again and again, but never once going lower and entering me. He’s slipping over my clit from my wetness. His eyes are down there, watching himself torturing deliciously. “Your body is doing all the talking. You’re so fucking wet.’’ He leads his erection lower, along my lips and I clench on the emptiness. He growls, his eyes darker if possible. “Yeah, your pussy is greedy, beautiful. You want it bad, don’t you?’’

“As bad as you want it.’’

His tip enters me slowly, stretching me wider, and wider still as he takes his time pushing in. My eyes roll in my head as the burning intensifies, as I feel my pussy stretching to accommodate his girth. I moan out his name, broken as my breathing hitches.

“Look at me thrusting in, Aideen. Open your eyes.’’ At his command I obey and glance down. I don’t see much, but I can see him starting to disappear inside of me as he pushes slowly inside me. Inch by inch, his hard length goes inside me. A wave of pleasure intensifies inside me, roaring hard as my eyes stay transfixed. “You’re too fucking hot like this.’’ He thrusts hard then, entering me at once and I scream out, both in surprise and in unrestrained pleasure as he hits the perfect spot inside me in the deepest part of me.

I lock my eyes on his as he pulls back almost all the way and swiftly pushes back inside me, circling his hips lightly, just right. I keep my mouth open in a silent moan. My hands are on his back. His every muscle flexing, moving under my sweaty palms.

We don’t talk anymore. He doesn’t whisper dirty things to my ears or urge me on. No, we’re looking at each other as he fucks my brains out, hard, relentlessly and deep. We moan, groan, sigh and move, seeking more pleasure, drawing out more hot waves. His hot palm massages my breast, my ribcage, and in my hair, tugging on them like he made me discover I love. My hands go to his ass, pushing him into me to go even deeper. I open my legs wider and bend them higher, crossing them at my ankles high above his rock hard ass.

I bow upward, starting to feel myself come, moaning louder and louder, more brokenly at the second as he thrusts faster into me. His groans get lower too, his thrusts wilder, harder even. I silently beg for it, beg for him to make me come as I titter on the edge, almost falling, but not yet doing it so. It almost hurts, and it feels amazingly good. I buck into him and that’s all it takes.

I come, wave after wave. I come long, hard, loud. I come and it brings tears to my eyes. His grip tightens in my hair and he growls my name in a barely recognizable voice. “Aideen!’’ Through the condom I feel the spurts of his come as he shakes into me, against me, on top of me. Everywhere we both shake, tremble. We come together, hard, probably even harder than the other times we had sex together.

He brushes some of my hair away from my sweaty forehead. His fingers are gentle against my skin, warm and a little unsteady. A droplet of sweat falls down from his temple, from his jaw, and lands on my collarbone. I don’t want to break the silence; it’d be the end to it.

But we can’t stay like this forever. It’s impossible. He sighs and pulls out of me. We both cringe. He quickly takes care of the condom and makes his way to the bathroom without a single word. I sit up and bring my back to the headboard. I bend my legs to my chest and wrap my arms around my knee, making myself tiny. Ripples of chills run through me, and it has nothing to do with the afterglow. I’m fighting against the onslaught of emotions, against the pain and fear overwhelming me.

I hear water running for a bit before he walks back in, still naked but this time his cock is soft between his legs. Even at rest he’s impressive and the perfect male anyone would fantasize about. He crosses his big arms over his equally impressive chest, stopping at the foot of my bed.

He opens his mouth and closes it immediately, shaking his head jerkily. I bet he’d welcome a stiff drink right now. Me too, honestly.

I drink him in one last time and take a deep breath. I’m strong. I know I am. It’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

“Jensen—‘’

“Don’t.’’ He crouches and puts on his jeans, suddenly back into motion. He’s a whirlwind of legs and arms as he dresses, putting on his biker boots quickly, his attention only half on the task at hand. “I know what…’’ He sighs again, his shoulder hunching over. “I know it’s over, but I don’t ever want to fucking hear these words coming out of your mouth, Aideen.’’

“You know it’s not what I want.’’

“I know,’’ he replies, nodding slowly. “I also know that we made a mess by having this affair, but I also am sure that it’s a relief for you to end things now. You told me yourself, you’ve never felt this way before. It scares you, doesn’t it?’’

I lock my arms tighter around my legs. “It does, and I’m sure that if you look at yourself in a mirror you’d see fear in your eyes too.’’

He laughs humorlessly. “I fucking know. There’s not a day without feeling fear, unworthy, fucked up and an asshole. It’s a field trip for me.’’ His eyes travel over my naked body.

“I’m no exception, then, huh?’’

He takes a step closer to the head of the bed, crouches to align his face to mine, just a few inches from mine. “On the contrary, but that doesn’t matter anymore.’’ He stands up and turns his back to me, walking away and closing the door loudly after him. I immediately stand up and run to the shower and climb inside. When his bike revs, I turn on the water to scalding hot. I’m not crying, but my chest feels tight. So very tight. It’s so damn hard to breathe. He took my oxygen with him when he left.

JENSEN

Why am I with her, already?

I look at her shiny blond hair carefully wild to give a just fucked flair to her. She traces the line of her cleavage, again and again. Her nails painted in an odd blue color clash against her bronze skin. She’s practically begging to slide under the table to give me head, but I’m as cold as ice. Unresponsive to Cassie’s charm. It’s common since a certain young woman fucked up my head a few weeks ago.

Oh, yeah. That’s why. I need to fucking forget about that damn woman and Cassie should be the perfect fix. Only, she’s not. She’s not doing a damn thing for me. In fact, the last time I’ve been turned on was that last time with Aideen almost two weeks ago. Even my morning wood is a comedy, deflating as soon as my hand closes around it.

“Are you even listening to me, Jensen?’’ Cassie’s voice snaps me back.

I gulp my whiskey and nod, my ever-present scowl firmly in place. “Of course.’’

She frowns and pouts down in her gin tonic. “I don’t mind being used for sex. After all I am too to work out some stuff, but I expect a minimum of attention, you know. As hot as you are, if you don’t tune in I’m not going to be turned on.’’

I chuckle and run a hand through my thick beard, wondering if I should shave it off or not. Not caring one way or another. It’s been like this for the last two weeks. I’m running in all directions, putting in more hours at work and taking on odd gigs playing bouncer in clubs to fill out my days as much as possible. Because when I’m left alone at home, I end up drunk off my ass. Thankfully, I manage hiding it from Hal. Q is not as easy to fool, though, and I’m still expecting him to corner me tonight before I leave the bar.

“I can turn you on pretty easily, Cassie. Don’t feed me some bullshit.’’

“You’re an asshole, you know that?’’

I smirk at her and look around, suddenly freezing when my eyes land on Aideen standing there with Hal and his friends. She’s not looking at me, but from the way she’s tensed and careful to keep her eyes on the people with her and on the bar, I’m pretty sure she’s already spotted me. With Cassie.

My stomach ties itself up. I hate guessing what she thinks she knows. Because she’s dead wrong. Yeah, I’m here with Cassie, but only because she saw me alone at the table. I didn’t invite her. I’ve been with no one since Aideen. I don’t want to and I physically can’t.

I’m tense, unable to fucking move a muscle. I’m dying to go over and kiss the ever-loving shit out of her in front of the fucking patrons and my son. I want to feel something other than this darkness again closing in on me a little more every day. I fucking miss her, even just looking at her. My heart beats hard in my chest. My palms get sweaty and I dry them on my legs, my eyes still glued to her as she nods to something Marco says to her.

“So, that’s her.’’

I startle and stare at Cassie. Her green eyes are on the little group gathered at the bar waiting for Q or his employee to take their order.

“What are you talking about?’’ I keep my voice low, steady. The muscle in my jaw flexes.

She turns back to me, her eyebrows high up on her forehead. “Is she your son’s girl? If she’s the girl you’re obsessing with, I’m starting to understand the situation a little better.’’

“You know nothing about it, Cassie. Stop fucking with me.’’ I warn her. I keep my glare on her and she squirms a little, but knowing her, I’m not sure if it’s because she’s scared by my edge or turned on.

“She really is the girl? You can tell me at least. It’s pretty obvious you’re not going to leave here with me and I’ve heard that you’re pretty much scarce with women these days.’’

I lean over the table and run a hand in my beard again, frustration eating at me. “Yeah, okay.’’ I nod. “But I swear that if it ever comes out, Cassie—‘’

“You don’t have to worry about me, Jensen.’’ She waves me off and straightens up. “Be more careful when you look at her. You’re pretty transparent which is unusual for you.’’

I puff out some air and wrap my fingers around my empty glass, silently willing it to replenish itself. “There’s nothing to tell anyway.’’

Cassie turns around again and this time I see Aideen suddenly looking away, a blush tainting her cheeks a deep red. “From where I’m standing, there’s a lot to tell. And believe me, she doesn't like that you have company. Wanna rile her up a bit?’’ Cassie smiles at me, all sass and light hearted amusement brightening her eyes. She’s a piece of work, but when taken like this she’s pretty much the perfect female. I don’t really know what happened to her and if I was a better man I’d want to know and question her, but for all intents and purpose I don’t really care.

“Nah.’’ I push away my empty glass, the only one Q said he’d serve me tonight. He’s tired of hauling my ass back home because I’m too drunk to call a cab. One night he even let me crash here, on one of the stools at the bar. It’s a new low, even for me. I take my wallet from my leather jacket, throw a few bills on the table and stand up. “I thought I could do this shit, Cassie, but I fucking can’t.’’

She shrugs and sips her drink without a care in the world. “I get it. You’ve got it bad for her and don’t think of denying it. It wouldn’t be so hard otherwise. Believe me, I know.’’

I grit my teeth and walk away stiffly. I push away her words as they try to print themselves inside my skull. But I’m not going to let them pierce through my shield. I’m just sexually obsessed with Aideen. I glance her way once as I reach the door and our eyes lock. Everything fucking stills.
It stills.
Even my heart stills. A lump grows in my too tight throat, but she breaks the contact. Easily so, it looks. She turns back to Hal and he offers her his big bright smile. One day it’ll probably win her over. I push open the door and don’t apologize when it barely misses a guy’s shoulder. They can all go fuck themselves. I’m out of here.