We Shouldn't and Yet... (26 page)

***

AIDEEN

“It’s Cassie,’’ Hal says close to my ear. I look away from the woman now alone at the table Jensen vacated minutes ago. “She used to be with Jensen. At least, that’s what I’ve heard, but he wouldn't talk about it much. I thought they were over with the way he was acting and I saw her with another dude a few weeks ago, but I guess they’re back at it.’’

I take another sip of my cold beer, my eyes still going back to her. Even from afar it’s obvious she’s a beautiful woman and she’s not shy about her assets either. She’s a few years older than me, self-assured and exactly what I’d picture would be Jensen’s type. It irks me. What bothers me even more is seeing him after two long weeks with his former lover, acting all chummy. At least he left alone. I wonder how long it took him to replace me between the sheets. And I thought it had meant more for him too.

I almost snort down in my glass. I’m so damaged emotionally after Yann that I thought that the first guy I’d have sex with after Yann would be more than just an easy lay. I’m delusional. Yet, I know he’s meant more to me than that. It wouldn’t hurt and I wouldn’t feel so sad again otherwise. Waking every day is a battle. I only want to stay in bed and wallow. But of course my work can’t wait. Life in general has a bad habit of moving on before you’re ready. Also, I don’t have any friends I can talk with about Jensen. I could have talked with Wesley since he knows pretty much everything, but he’s virtually a stranger and he’s a man. There are some things you’d rather have a girl in your corner. All my old girl friends knew Yann and the few ones I’d made in college have their own lives, hours away and most of them states away from where I am.

“How is he doing? I mean,’’ I catch myself, looking at Hal, Marco, Tracy, and Wesley. Marco, Tracy, and Wesley are not listening to us, but Hal’s eyes cloud over a little. It lasts only a nanosecond, but it’s enough to make me sweat. “How is it going between you two? It doesn’t look like you’re getting any closer.’’

Hal shrugs and leans more heavily against the bar. “He’s moody. He barely mutters a word to me. I don’t know.’’ He peels the label off his beer bottle. “Maybe it’s too late. I’m an adult, he’s too caught up in his own messed up head.’’

“His head isn’t messed up, Hal.’’ I frown at him. “He’s human. Give him some time. From where I’m standing it looks like he’s never envisioned being a father. Having you barging in his life must be pretty difficult, more so when you don’t have all your shit together.’’

“You take his defense a lot.’’

“Come on Hal, it’s obvious he’s not a bad guy. Maybe he’s a little lost, but could you blame him? I’m sure it’s difficult for you with your mother—‘’

“Don’t go there.’’ He takes a deep breath and forces a smile to his face. It’s as easy going as usual and for the first time I’m wondering how many of his smiles are genuine and how many are fake. “Sorry, you’re right. The anniversary of my mother’s death is approaching and I think it—it’s taking its toll on me or something.’’

I put a hand on his and squeeze. I feel for him. I know how he must feel. The first anniversary of Yann’s death I was in pretty bad shape. I holed up in my room and only came out to grab a bottle of wine to drink alone. “Are you visiting your grandparents?’’

He nods and sips his beer. “Yeah. I already asked for a few days off work for this. It’s tough on them too and they’re my family. Jensen…uh.’’

“He’s your dad just on paper. I get it.’’

He smiles at me and snakes an arm around my shoulders and I let him. He’s looking for some comfort and I’d lie if I said it’s not bringing some to me too. Since I’ve been aware of his attraction and feelings for me I’ve been more wary around him, but it doesn’t feel like a move. He’s my best friend after all.

“We should spend more time together. I know you’re really busy with your work, but I miss you.’’

I lean into him. “I miss you too.’’ I look up as Q takes the empty beers and talks with Wesley about football or something. But his eyes keep looking back at Hal and me, his eyes taking in the position we’re in. I pull away and ignore Hal’s frown. “Let’s have lunch downtown tomorrow.’’

He beams at me and clinks his bottle against my glass. In the corner of my eyes I see Q shake his head, probably wondering what kind of game I’m playing. Only, I’m not. I’m as lost as they come and I don’t know if it’s the incredible sex with Jensen or just Jensen as a whole that makes me feel like this.

***

JENSEN

I look around the place where I’d brought Aideen a few weeks ago. The place is the same saved from a few broken pieces of glass left right where the fire used to burn. Someone came here recently. I glance back where I’ve parked my bike, almost at the exact same place as the last time and I don’t have to close my eyes to see me fucking her on it. I go hard in an instant. And I hurt so fucking bad, right under my ribcage. It’s like a slow burn, incessant.

I don’t know why I’m here. I just wanted to ride and take my mind off, empty everything in my head, but it led me here. I shake my head and put my helmet back on, revving up my bike. My stomach growls. I’ve taken off without eating anything and I can’t remember when I’ve last eaten anything. Was it yesterday at lunch? Or breakfast?

I take off and gun it hard, this time around not being careful to the uneven road. I need speed. Back on the highway I take more speed, but keep it right at the limits, ready to eat up miles back home or maybe at Q’s bar for some greasy food. I don’t know. I just drive and my erection starts to deflate. But the memories of Aideen, very few compared to my thirty-eight years of life, don’t go. They fucking stay there, haunting me, taunting me. I can even smell her still if I focus hard enough. Her taste seems permanently imprinted in my mouth.

Maybe that’s because I’m still so damn focused on her and what I’ve lost that my reflexes aren’t as good as usual. Maybe I’m slow to react because a part of me doesn’t know why I should. My life is a mess, I’m a fuck up and I can’t even look at my son without feeling angry altogether, angry at him and at myself.

A truck changes lanes without checking his side-mirror, coming right in my lane, right where I am. My wheels skid on the asphalt and I lose my balance. My bike lies on the side and slides on the highway, and I follow it. It’s like it lasts forever, but the pain doesn’t hit me when my jeans tears off as the asphalt attacks it and my skin opens. I don’t even close my eyes when I see the car behind me skidding too, heading straight toward me. I can’t do a damn thing.

My heart beats hard and fast, though. I think of Hal and my regrets. But he’s not my last thought when things finally go black emptying my mind completely.

My last thought is for Aideen and the way she had looked at me when she’d offered me a smile. I don’t know if the car hit me or not, but I black out and nothing hurts anymore.

***

AIDEEN

“You’re kidding me right?’’

I shake my head and laugh. It feels good to laugh again. “No. The man was completely naked and locked out of his room. I don’t want to know where he’d been like that.’’ I shudder, picturing the man with a beer belly in my mind.

Hal chuckles again and takes another bite of his burger, smearing sauce all over his chin. I give him a spare napkin. “My work is too boring to have such stories.’’

“You love your job. Wait for it, before you know it you’ll have a sordid work feud story to tell me.’’

He shrugs and balls up the napkin. “Tell me, huh,’’ he starts and runs a hand over his jaw, the exact same way Jensen does. My heart misses a beat thinking of him and I look away. “Are you okay? I mean, for the last two weeks you’ve been a little, ah, closed off.’’

“Sorry for that.’’

He waves me off. “I don’t mind it, Aideen. I just want to make sure that you’re okay. Usually you’d tell me what was wrong.’’

“I—I don’t really…’’ I trail off and toy with my napkin next to my empty plate.
Think, Aideen. Think fast.
I can’t exactly tell him that I’m trying to get over his father. “It’s nothing important.’’

He frowns at me. “You can tell me if it’s a man.’’

My eyes widen and I shake my head vehemently, probably too hastily to appear natural and real. “Where did you get that idea?’’

“You’ve been very secretive, that’s all.’’

I swallow and force a laugh out. “I’m not seeing anyone.’’

He nods, but I see him hesitating. I’m sure he wants to question me further since I’m not denying a man is on my mind. I don’t want to have to lie more. Enough is enough. But his eyes are still on me, trying to see through my façade. I know he’s about to open the can of worms, but then, saving me and the mess from coming out, his cell rings. I’m pretty sure my sigh of relief is telling.

He frowns harder at me as he takes the call. “Hello.’’ His voice is clipped and nothing like the easy going guy I know. His frown disappears and he blanches. “Is he okay?’’ His grip on his phone tightens until his knuckles turn a deathly white. He nods again and again, his throat working.

My blood gets cold suddenly. I shiver, a foreboding feeling falling down on me. Something bad happened.

“Thank you, Marco.’’ Hal hangs up and looks at me. There’s a world of worry in his eyes. “Jensen was in an accident outside of town. Apparently a truck cut right in front of him.’’

I gasp and everything starts to twirl around me. I don’t think I’m breathing anymore. A pain so intense strikes me that I have to grip the table to not double over. “Is he… Is he…’’

“I don’t know. Marco works at the hospital and on his way out he heard about the accident. He doesn’t know anything.’’ He stands up and throws a few bills on the table with a trembling hand. “I need to go.’’

I nod and stand up on unstable legs. I don’t even feel my body anymore. It’s a nightmare. It must be. I can’t have all the men I feel something for dying. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. “I’m coming with you.’’

He nods and runs outside. I follow him, barely feeling it when my feet pound on the ground. We climb in his car without a word. He speeds above the limits and I clutch at my thighs. I’m holding on by a thread. Jensen…Jensen can’t be dead. He can’t die. He’s too freaking big, too solid. He ‘s been through much worse, I’m sure. I mean… I start shivering harder.

Hal takes one of my hands in his, squeezing hard. “Are you alright? I’m sorry if it brings back bad memories.’’

I say nothing for the rest of the way to the hospital. As soon as Hal has parked the car we both jump out and run to the ER. My chest is still gripped in pain, my body is shaking more and more as we’re getting closer to what is possibly the worst. I gulp hard, but Hal doesn’t hear me. We stop at the reception desk where two women are sitting. The older one looks up at the sound of our heavy footsteps.

“Jensen Lagger. He’s been in an accident.’’

“One minute please,’’ she says with a strained smile. She quickly types on her computer and I repeat again and again in my head;
please, let him be alright. Please, let him be alright.
“Hm…’’ She looks up first at Hal and at myself. “It says that he’s still being examined, but you can wait in the waiting room down the hall. A doctor will come see you.’’

“How is he?’’ Hal presses on, leaning over the desk and closer to her face, as if it’d change anything.

“I don’t have any information, sir. Please, go to the waiting room. It shouldn’t take long.’’

I put a shaky hand on Hal’s arm and tug him toward me. At first he resists, but then he sighs and puts an arm around my shoulders to lead me down the hall. I don’t know who is comforting whom at this point. I know I’m ready to cry and crumble. I can’t help but think about Jensen’s heat, the way his big and strong body had felt against me. I remember every little moment with him. I don’t have many moments to hold onto, but they’re vivid enough to keep me centered, to keep me hoping for the best because such a man can’t go like this. It’s impossible.

“Hey, Aideen,’’ Hal says. “If you need some air, go. I’ll get you when I know more.’’

I shake my head and shiver harder. “No.’’

He kisses the top of my head, but I barely feel it. It’s like I’m wrapped in cotton, cushioning me from anything and everything. But inside me, inside I’m an inferno, a tempest, and I don’t think I can keep my composure for much longer. I ache for Jensen, more so than I’ve been aching for him for the last two weeks. I don’t want to lose him completely. I want to see him again, him and his sexy smirk that drives me crazy. I want to feel his eyes on me again, even though nothing can happen.

“Aideen—?’’

“Sir?’’

We both jump to our feet and face a brunette probably in her early fifties. She looks tired, but she’s got a sweet smile on her face, accentuating the small wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. I cross my arms tightly around myself, getting ready, bracing myself. Hal does the same, his face blank, but his eyes pleading with her.

“Do you have any news regarding Jensen Lagger’s situation?’’

“Are you family?’’

“I’m his son.’’

Her smile gets bigger. “I have good news. Your father has a concussion and several broken ribs along with some superficial wounds on his legs, but he’s surprisingly in good health.’’