We Shouldn't and Yet... (23 page)

“What you’re describing is physical attraction, nothing more. Is it really worth risking a friendship for something that’s going to die down soon enough? And that man! What is he thinking?’’ She shakes her head and makes a disgusted face, going back to her task and turning her back to me once again.

“I’ve never seen you judge people and situations without the full facts before. You may be disappointed by me right now, but believe me, I’m disappointed in you too. For months I’ve been there for you, empathizing to your pain when I was dealing with awful things too and not once did I judge you. I see now that I can’t have the same thing.’’ I’m shaking from head to toes as my blood boils in my veins. I can’t believe she’s reacting so strongly to this. I thought… I don’t know what I thought would happen.

“It’s different, Aideen. I can’t apologize and thank you enough for all that you did. I love you more for that, but this is wrong. Maybe it makes you feel better, maybe you like having an older man’s attention and he must love having it from a pretty young woman, but is it worth it? You may alienate the friend who was there for you this past year. Is that really what you want?’’

My heart lurches in my chest and I turn around, ready to walk back to my room. Under my breath I say, “I don’t feel any pain with him, I only feel him.’’ But it’s not enough, is it?

***

JENSEN

I lean back in the chair and pat my stomach. Olivia used to be an awful cook, but since she got pregnant, she’s been improving a lot. And these waffles were delicious.

“Fuck, woman, you’re changing into the perfect wife, or what?’’

She sneers at me and takes my empty plate to put it in their new dishwasher. She puts everything away and rubs her round stomach. I glance at Q and he’s the picture perfect of whipped, but for once I don’t think it’s looking so bad. He’s got it all. A bar that works well, a wife, love, a child on the way. He can be serene and happy with his life. I envy that in a way if I look deeply enough. Before, I would have never admitted it, not even to myself.

“Is it true that you’re bedding your son’s friend?’’ she asks me out of the blue.

I choke on the last sip of orange juice. My eyes water immediately. Q shakes his head at Olivia, but she ignores him entirely as she comes back to the table and sits in front of me, her blue eyes fixed on me.

I clear my throat and cringe before I glare at Q. “Seriously, fucker? Can’t you keep a damn secret?’’

“Hey, she’s my wife!’’ He holds up his hands and smirks at me, exactly the kind of smirk I serve him when I’m trying to fuck with him. It makes me want to clock him.

“Yeah, so?’’

“He can’t keep things from me if he doesn’t want to end up on the couch. That’s marriage, Jensen.’’

I look back at her and shake my head. “Another reason why I don’t want to get hitched. Ever.’’

“It’s true then?’’ The disapproval in her haughty voice is plain and clear. Sometimes she really is a pain in the ass. I’m sure exactly how a younger sibling would be if I wasn’t an only child.

“I don’t want a lecture, Olivia.’’

“You know he’s stubborn, babe.’’ Q kisses his wife’s cheek and pulls her closer to him, pulling the chair with her. He then puts a hand on her stomach, smiling fondly down at it as he rubs soothing circles. Q is a big guy, much like I am, and seeing him so gentle makes me feel like I’m intruding on a private moment.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t speak my mind.’’

I stand up abruptly and lean my hands on the table to support my weight as I level them both down. “No need. You disapprove, Q disapproves and anybody around here would too if they knew. I don’t need your fucking input.’’

“Then grow a pair and act like the father you are. Stop this now before it gets out of control.’’

I laugh humorlessly, my head now down between my shoulders.

“What’s so funny?’’ she asks, bewilderment audible.

“Not a fucking thing is funny. She’s doing something to me and I can’t explain it. There’s only one thing I’m sure of. Since she walked in my life, I’ve been out of control with her.’’

“All the more reason why you must stop this. You know it, Jensen.’’ Her voice is soft now, but the words aren’t. They fucking blow a hole in my chest. I don’t know what it is, but it hurts. Bad.

“Babe, drop it,’’ Q says in warning.

I look up and she gasps. I don’t know what she sees in my eyes, but Q’s face drops too. Yeah, I must look as bad as I feel right now. I straighten up, grab my leather jacket from the back of the chair and shrug it on.

“I need some air. I’ll call you later, Q.’’

I walk out, this time determined to go for a ride on my bike. I need to put some distance from everything. I need to run from everything for a while. I need…Fuck, I need Aideen right now. I put on my helmet with more force than necessary and speed away way too fast for the city limits, but I don’t give a fuck. They can give me a ticket. I just need an out.

AIDEEN

I’m outside with my father, drinking some sweet tea in silence. He keeps looking at me with questions written all over his face and as minutes pass I start to feel pressured to say something. I know my mother told him about my big revelation from this morning, but he’s not hounding me with questions. I’m surprised, actually.

“I know you don’t approve either, Dad,’’ I mutter, breaking the silence when I can’t take it anymore. I’m not used to this wall of silence between us.

He pats my hand. “I’m just worried, Baby Bear.’’ He looks back at the house where we can see Mom moving around the kitchen through the big window opening to the garden. “We’re both worried. I don’t want you to make bad decisions because of your loss.’’

“Aren’t you upset? At all?’’

He sighs and tension appears around his eyes. I hate it, I hate being the one creating worries. “Maybe I’m upset too. Thirty-eight is too old for you.’’

I chuckle, but it’s not light hearted. If anything it emphasizes the growing knot in my stomach and the building ache in my chest. I sigh too and take another sip of the sweet beverage I made earlier. “You don’t want to hear this, but I like this…uh…thing with him.’’

“Do you like this because of him or because you’re free to just be instead of taking care and worrying for someone like you did with Yann? You should question your reasons behind your actions and weigh up the pros and cons, because, Baby Bear, it’s going to hurt when Hal finds out. He’s trying to get to know his father, build something and I’m not sure he’ll take it well when the truth comes out.’’

“What if there’s no reason, no thought behind it, Dad? Would it be that bad?’’ I mumble, masking the ever growing pain by locking my jaw and tensing the muscles in my stomach.

“If it doesn’t risk hurting someone, I’d tell you that it’s not bad. But you care about your college friend, don’t you?’’

I nod and fall back into silence as I take my phone and quickly type a single sentence for Jensen. My fingers shake on the screen and I feel my father’s eyes on me, but I don’t look at him.

We need to talk. —A

These words don’t bear good things usually and as I hit send, lead falls on my chest. It becomes hard to breathe, but I push through. I’ve always pushed through the pain.

“Baby Bear?’’

I shake my head and stand up stiffly. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I know, I’ve made a mistake.’’ Or so I keep hearing.

But in spite of everything wrong, it doesn’t feel like a mistake. We shouldn’t have let ourselves go down that route, and yet we did. But it’s still early and maybe we can rectify this. It’s obvious that we can’t continue and we’ve deluded ourselves thinking that we could do this for a little while. I’m still deluding myself by thinking that I hurt, that each beat of my heart is painful at the impending end of our arrangement. I’m not supposed to hurt. I don’t look at my mother as I walk in the house and I go straight to my bedroom where many pictures of Yann and I through the years look back at me.

“You wouldn’t understand either, would you?’’ I say to Yann in the pictures, remembering how our relationship was always going through a rough patch over the years. We’ve never had a normal relationship because of one bastard. I’ve never felt like a true woman before Jensen because of that. Is that why I find him so irresistible?

There’s still no answer to my text and I don’t expect one either. For all I know, he’s going to break our arrangement tonight when going out with Hal after my text. I wouldn’t blame him, but I’d still hate it. And yes, it would hurt too.

***

JENSEN

We need to talk. —A

I don’t know how many times I’ve read her text today. Probably over a dozen times. I toss back another shot of tequila and glance back at Hal talking with Q at the bar as he’s serving our order. The bar is packed tonight, which is a damn good thing for Q as it’s Saturday night. Shows that his business is still thriving, probably even better since he took over and brought in a younger crowd.

“You look like trouble.’’ A seductive voice says from over my shoulder. She walks in my line of view and takes Hal’s seat without asking if it’s free or not. Cassie is like that. Easy, spontaneous. She’s also having issues regarding her ex-husband and that’s why she’s the perfect woman to satisfy my sex life. She used to be, at least.

“Cassie.’’

She purses her lips painted in a bright pink. Usually, her mouth like this would have made me stir a little in my pants, but right now my cock is in a coma. She’s not the one doing it for me and she never really was. She used to be the easy plan, the easy lay.

“Not even a month ago you used to seek me out when you looked like that.’’

“I used to,’’ I retort sharply. “Not anymore.’’

She nods and toys with the end of her side ponytail. Her blond hair shines and contrasts against her bronze skin. “I guess it’s the girl you ditched me for that has you in such a mood. Where is she?’’

I glare at her and bite my tongue before I say something I’d feel like an ass for later on. Cassie has done nothing wrong. She’s nosy, but she’s entitled to be. I’d been fucking her pretty hard for months and I ditched her unceremoniously. She’s probably onto someone else already, but the woman deserves some decency too. I’m a fuck up, but I know it and I feel bad for not being able to give her that. I feel even more mad at myself for not wanting her. It should be easy. Aideen is away for the weekend, Cassie is here and willing if I believe the way she’s looking at me with lust in her green eyes. But I don’t feel anything. There’s nothing going on in my pants, even when I look down Cassie’s top to peek at her fake round breasts and her bra barely covering them. I don’t feel a fucking thing.

“There’s no one,’’ I growl out instead.

“You look like you need to fuck, Jensen. I know that you need it when you’re like this. If she doesn’t—‘’

“Drop it. Now.’’

She shivers at the command in my voice, but I don’t spare her the tiniest of smirks. Usually, I’d get off on knowing that my command does something to a woman, but I don’t care here. It’s another story when it’s Aideen and that’s the problem. Maybe I should try and fuck someone else to forget about her. I know what her text means and one way or another I’m going to need to.

“You sure I can’t convince you?’’ she asks, her voice lower.

My eyes land on her breasts again. Her nipples are pushing through her white top and I can even make out their darker shade if I look hard enough. That’s how sheer her top and bra are. But still nothing.

“It’s over, Cassie. Get it in your head.’’ I stand up and stalk to the bar, patting Hal’s shoulder as I slip between him and a man sipping his drink while chatting up a young thing who looks like barely college age.

“Give me a whiskey. Double.’’

Q frowns at me and serves me, but before he puts away the bottle I grab it and put it on the bar, right next to my full glass. “Leave it here.’’

“Fucker, you’ve had a lot already. It’s almost closing time.’’

“Fuck off, Q.’’ I glare at him and he backs down, his face getting darker. He shakes his head and walks to the other side of the bar where a group of customers are flagging him. His other bartender is already busy mixing some girly shitty drink for a group of loud women.