Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (15 page)

In addition to performers, Michaels also sought out talented young writers, including the team of Al Franken and Tom Davis, a cynical
Lampoon
writer named Michael O'Donoghue (who was responsible for a lot of
SNL
's darker material), and a former
Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour
writer named Chevy Chase. Chase wanted to act, but there was no more money in the budget for cast members, so Michaels signed him as head writer (which actually paid more money than the players were getting). Michaels and Chase immediately became buddies, and Chase got preferential treatment, including the “Weekend Update” job, much to the dismay of the cast. It was a sign of things to come.

The cast and crew were set. Now all Michaels and Ebersol had to do was make a show. Turn to page 199 for Part II of the story.

Famous people—for some reason we can't get enough of them. Knowing a celebrity's favorite color won't make your life any better, but it's fun to know anyway.

COLORS
Cary Grant:
Red
Christina Aguilera:
Turquoise
Angelina Jolie:
Black
Walter Cronkite:
Blue
Justin Timberlake:
Baby blue

FOODS
Barbra Streisand:
Coffee ice cream
Cameron Diaz:
French fries
Red Hot Chili Peppers:
Bananas
Sarah Michelle Gellar:
Pasta
Jennifer Love Hewitt:
McDonald's cheeseburgers

MOVIES
Lynn Redgrave:
Jules et Jim
Scott Adams:
Star Wars
Ben Stein:
Gone with the Wind
Sandra Bullock:
The Wizard of Oz

HOBBIES
Leonardo DiCaprio:
Writing poetry
Tanya Tucker:
Cutting-horse contests
Henry Fonda:
Model airplanes
Winona Ryder:
Reading
Brad Pitt:
Interior design

BANDS
Ani DiFranco:
The Beatles
Drew Barrymore:
The Beatles
Roseanne Cash:
The Beatles
Bob Weir:
The Beatles
Moby:
Donna Summer

RELIGIONS
Harrison Ford:
Buddhism
Mel Gibson:
Catholocism
Natalie Portman:
Judaism
Tom Crusie:
Scientology
Christopher Reeve:
Atheism

BOOKS
Woody Harrelson:
A People's History of the United States
by Howard Zinn
Larry King:
Catcher in the Rye
by J. D. Salinger
Bryant Gumbel:
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
Gloria Steinem:
Little Women
by Louisa May Alcott
Uncle John:
Affliction
by Russell Banks
Jeff Foxworthy:
You Might Be a Redneck if…
by Jeff Foxworthy

JOBS THEY'D LIKE TO HAVE
James Brown:
Big League Pitcher
Roseanne:
Teacher
Matthew Broderick:
Construction worker
Tom Hanks:
Cartoonist
Melanie Griffith:
Brain Surgeon

Thinking of skipping this page? Take our advice: don't.

“Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected…then get even.”

—James Carville

“Don't marry a man to reform him—that's what reform schools are for.”

—Mae West

“Don't ever send a man window shopping. He'll come back carrying a window.”

—
A Wife's Little Instruction Book

“Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.”

—Tex Avery

“Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.”

—Robert Benchley

“Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you'll have to ram it down their throats.”

—Howard Aiken

“Don't meet trouble halfway. It's quite capable of making the entire journey.”

—Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

“Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing.”

—Buddy Hackett

“Don't steal. The government hates competition.”

—Anonymous

“Don't blame God. He's only human.”

—Leo Rosten

“Don't dig for water under the outhouse.”

—Cowboy proverb

“Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant.”

—Robert Louis Stevenson

“Don't just do something, stand there.”

—Dean Acheson

“Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.”

—Janis Joplin

“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”

—Charles Schulz

Canada: land of beautiful mountains, clear lakes, bustling cities…and some really weird news reports. Here are some of the oddest entries from the BRI newsfile.

In January 2002, a 30-year-old Ontario man named Nona Thusky was charged with public drunkenness and violation of probation. He was kept in custody awaiting sentencing on a previous conviction for assaulting a police officer when, two weeks later, he was suddenly released. Why? Because it snowed.

Mr. Thusky is a member of the Algonquin tribe from the Barriere Lake reservation, and he's the only community member who knows how to operate the snowplow. After a severe February snowstorm, judge Jean-Francois Gosselin decreed that “community service”—i.e., clearing snow from the streets—made more sense than jail time.

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman found himself in a storm of criticism in January 2002. He had staged a photo session shaking hands with and receiving a T-shirt from a member of the Hell's Angels. Members of the notorious motorcycle gang had been involved in a vicious six-year drug war with rival gangs in Quebec in which more than 150 people were killed. Police organizations, city officials, and citizens blasted the mayor for the move, calling it grossly insensitive. Mayor Lastman threw the T-shirt away and apologized, saying he didn't know that the Hell's Angels…dealt drugs. Afterwards, the gang demanded an apology from the mayor—for throwing away the present they gave him.

In 1943, 17-year-old Hugh Trainor enlisted in the army and passed a preliminary test in his hometown on Prince Edward Island. He then traveled by ferry to an army barracks in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Once there, he failed his medical test and never officially became a member of the armed forces. But Trainor claimed that his time on
the ferry—about a 10-mile ride—qualified as “war service,” because German submarines had previously attacked ships in Canadian waters. In 2002 the Federal Court of Canada ruled that 75-year-old Trainor was entitled to veteran's benefits for his service and awarded him $1,000 a month for the rest of his life.

The state provincial fair in Calgary, Alberta, offered a new thrill to attendees in 2002: Cow Patty Bingo. They divided a field up into squares, painted numbers on them, and let people bet on the numbers. Then they let the cows into the field. The person whose square got the first “lucky patty” won a prize. Organizers denied claims that the cows had been given laxatives to speed the game up.

“Salespeople needed. If you are now employed but wish to improve your position, or in a dead-end job, call now for opportunity in cemetary sales.”

—Toronto Star

“Career opportunity for a firefighter position: ‘We offer a smoke-free work environment.'”

—Calgary Herald

“All residents will now be collected on Thursday.”

—Ontario waste-systems company notice

“At a meeting of the cemetary commission, the burial rates were increased slightly to reflect the higher cost of living.”

—Nova Scotia church bulletin

“Visitors are needed for a man having trouble with blindness and a German-speaking woman.”

—The Ottawa Citizen

“Lots of stuff! All ex-hubby's remains.”

—
South Delta Today
, B.C.

“Wedding gown worn once by mistake. Size 9–10. Asking $20.”

—Oshawa Times

“A third grain-elevator fire in east-central Alberta has investigators wondering if there's a cereal arsonist at work.”

—Calgary Herald

Decades after his death, Elvis is more popular than ever. He sells more records, generates more revenue, and has more fans worldwide than he did when he was alive. If you need proof, look to these Elvis impersonators.

L
ATINO ELVIS
(Robert Lopez, a.k.a. “El Vez,” Mexico)

Claim to Fame:
First Mexican Elvis to think he was the
second
Mexican Elvis

Taking Care of Business:
Lopez, who is famous all over Mexico and has appeared on MTV and
The Tonight Show,
grew up absolutely convinced that Elvis Presley was Mexican. “When I was a kid in the '60s, I had uncles with continental slacks and pompadours in that Elvis style,” he says. “I thought Elvis looked like my uncles.”

Lopez got a rude awakening when he realized that the King wasn't in Mexico even when he was
supposed
to be: “The first movie I ever saw him in was
Fun in Acapulco
. I found out later that it wasn't even filmed in Mexico, but on a sound stage.” No matter—El Vez is still dedicated to emulating the King. “I don't think that you can do this unless you love and admire Elvis,” he says. “This isn't just some fat-man-on-pills parody.”

REFUSNIK ELVIS
(Vassil Angelov, Bulgaria)

Claim to Fame:
Put his life on the line by impersonating the King

Taking Care of Business:
When he was a young man in the 1960s, Angelov had to hide his admiration of Elvis because sideburns and rock music were illegal in communist Bulgaria. But the communist era ended in 1990 and today Angelov runs Bulgaria's only Elvis fan club and openly tours the country imitating his idol. Someday he hopes to travel the world. “I want to look for people and places,” he says, “where I can show off my God-given talent.”

TOKYO ELVIS
(Mori Yasumasa, Japan)

Claim to Fame:
Became the first non-American to win an Elvis impersonator contest in Memphis, Tennessee, the Elvis capital of the world