Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (7 page)

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Bert and Ethel were debating whether they should get a house pet, and if so, what kind. At long last Bert decided a bear would be just the thing, but Ethel was skeptical. “Honey,” she said, “where will the bear eat?”

“No problem,” said Bert. “We'll train him to eat at the table with us.”

“But where will it go to the bathroom?”

“Don't worry, Ethel, we'll train it to use the toilet just like we do.”

“Well, where will the bear sleep?”

“He can sleep with us,” was Bert's answer.

“Sleep with us!” shrieked Ethel. “What about the smell?”

“Now Ethel,” soothed Bert, “he'll get used to it—I did.”

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What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

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What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?

Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

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There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent he's not sure which to choose. So he devises a little test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their desks.

#1 returns it to him immediately.

#2 invests in the market and returns $1,500 to him the next morning.

#3 pockets it.

Who gets the promotion? The one with the big tits!

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What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?

Bo Derek getting older.

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There was this young woman who was really depressed because she was so flat-chested. One day her fairy godmother appeared and offered to grant her most heartfelt wish.

“I want big tits,” said the young woman instantly.

“All right, my dear,” said the fairy godmother. “From this moment on, every time a man says ‘Pardon’ to you, they'll get bigger.”

The next day the woman is walking down the street, lost in thought, when she bumps into a policeman.

“Pardon me,” says the cop politely.

Her tits grow an inch. She's ecstatic. A few days later she goes into a supermarket and comes out with a huge bag of groceries, which she drops when she bumps into a checkout clerk.

“Pardon me,” says the clerk, bending over to help her collect her purchases.

Her tits grow another inch. She's beside herself with joy. She goes into a Chinese restaurant and collides with a waiter, who bows and says, “Oh, I beg of you a thousand pardons.”

The newspaper headlines the next day proclaim: “CHINESE WAITER KILLED BY TWO TORPEDOES!”

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Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky Fried Chicken batter?

It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin’ good.

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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

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What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you.

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Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?

The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

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What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After five years, the job still sucks.

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How do you make paper dolls?

Screw an old bag.

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What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?

Clitty litter.

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Bumper sticker: Support E.R.A.— make him sleep on the wet spot.

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What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?

An all-the-way house.

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Definition of a wife: “An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.”

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How are an oven and a woman alike?

You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

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Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that?

Getting eaten out by Jaws.

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What's the purpose of a bellybutton?

To put your gum in on the way down.

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What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground?

(Make a spitting sound.)

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Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?

You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

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What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

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How do you make a hormone?

Put sand in the Vaseline.

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What's a cunt that talks back?

An answering cervix.

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What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?

Mikey... He'll eat anything.

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What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?

A spermicidal maniac.

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Once during her summer vacation the Bionic Woman took an overnight train journey. She entered her berth without noticing that the man in the berth above hers was peeping through the curtains. The fellow was quite chagrined to see her remove her wig, false eyelashes, glass eye, padded brassiere, mechanical hand, and bionic leg. When she turned around to pull up the covers she saw the peeping Tom and cried out in alarm, “Oh, my goodness! What do you want?”

“You know damn well what I want,” he snarled. “Unscrew it and toss it up here!”

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A newlywed couple check into a quiet, out-of-the-way lakeside hotel. The clerk and the bellhop tip broad winks at each other, smiling in anticipation of the honeymoon antics to come. But lo and behold, in the middle of the night (their first) who but the groom tromps down the stairs fully laden with fishing gear! This happens again on the second and third nights. The clerk and bellhop can contain their curiosity no longer:

“You're fishing in the middle of the night on your honeymoon? Why aren't you up making love to your wife?”

The groom looked bewildered. “Make love to her? Oh no, she's got gonorrhea.”

Embarrassed silence. “Oh. What about anal sex?”

“Oh no, she's got diarrhea/’

“I see. Well, there's oral sex”

“Oh no. She's got pyorrhea as well.” “Gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea! Why, may I ask, did you marry her?”

“Because she's got worms and I just love to fish.”

*

So the teacher instructs her third-grade class to give a three-syllable word and use it in a sentence. Several pupils raise their hands, including dirty Johnny. Teacher passes him over and chooses Sally.

“Beautiful,” Sally says. “My teacher is beautiful!”

“Why, thank you,” the teacher replies. “Anyone else?” Again, several hands, including Johnny's, are waving. She chooses Mary.

“Wonderful. My teacher is wonderful!” Again the teacher thanks her student, and asks for another answer. Reluctantly, she chooses Johnny.

“Urinate,” says Johnny.

“Johnny!!” the teacher replies, shocked.

“Urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten!”

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A couple were indulging in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, “Why is it that when we do it in the bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?”

“Silly,” she replied, “I take my pantyhose off in the shower!”

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First Woman: “This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

Second Woman: “You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?”

First Woman: “Snuff.”

How does herpes leave the hospital?

On crotches.

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Seen the new bumper sticker?

Herpes, the love bug.

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A man was out walking his dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. “What's your dog's name?” she asked.

“Herpes,” replied the dog's owner.

“How ... odd,” said the woman. “Why Herpes?”

“Because he won't heel.”

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What do you call an Indian with herpes?

Chief Running Sore.

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What do you get when you fuck a Coke?

Burpies.

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What's the difference between a midget con artist and a case of herpes?

One's a cunning runt.

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A Polish man made the acquaintance of a young woman in a bar, and she accepted his invitation to come back to his apartment. After a few drinks and some soft music the Pole suggested retiring to the bedroom, and the young woman was willing. Soon they were going at it hot and heavy.

Right in the middle of everything the Pole stopped dead, looked at her, and said, “Hey, you don't have herpes, do you?”

“NO!” she said. “Why would you ask that?”

“That's a relief,” said the Pole. “The last girl didn't tell me until it was too late.”

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the gas.

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What did the leper who was trying to lift something heavy say to the other leper?

“Give me a hand.”

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“Mrs. Morris, can Scotty come out to play?”

“Now, children, you know Scotty has leprosy.”

“Well, can we come in and watch him rot?”

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Did you hear about the leper who robbed a house?

He was doing fine until the dog started barking, and then he went all to pieces.

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A leper who was so ashamed of his appearance that he hadn't been out of the house in ten years was finally persuaded to take his family out to a restaurant in the neighborhood. While waiting for his order, he noticed a man in the corner pointing and laughing. “What's so funny, buddy?” the leper asked, walking over to him.

“Nothing at all,” replied the man, but no sooner had the leper sat down again than he noticed a woman cracking up at another table. “You got a problem, lady?” he asked, but she just kept shaking her head until he sat down again.

When a third person, a pleasant-looking young man, started roaring with laughter, the leper was unable to contain himself. Grabbing the young man by the lapels, he hissed, “Why the hell are all you people laughing at me?”

“Oh, it's not you,” assured the young man, wiping the tears from his eyes. “It's the fellow behind you dipping his bread in your back.”