Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (3 page)
First Jew: “He always cuts on a bias.”
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Unaware of each other’s presence, an Arab in his tank and an Israeli in his are motoring up opposite sides of the same hill. The two tanks reach the top of the hill at precisely the same instant, and there is a tremendous crash.
The Arab soldier climbs hastily through the hatch of his tank, his arms raised in a gesture of surrender.
Just as quickly, the Israeli leaps from his tank screaming, “WHIPLASH!”
Why do blacks keep chickens in their yards?
To teach their kids how to strut.
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What do you call a black man on a Palomino horse?
Leroy Rogers.
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A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked down into the water he was horrified to see a black man wrapped in chains lying on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police station. “Sheriff, sheriff,” he gasped, “there’s a black guy wrapped in chains, drowned in the lake!”
“Now ain’t that just like a nigger,” drawled the sheriff, “to take more chain than he can swim with?”
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What do you call a Mexican Negro?
A wetblack.
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What do you call holding an orgy at a NAACP meeting?
Getting blackballed.
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Did you hear Reagan’s staff is creating 500 new jobs for blacks?
They want to expand the National Basketball Association to sixty teams.
Reagan’s also appointing a black ambassador . . . to the Bermuda Triangle.
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What do you call 50,000 blacks jumping out of a plane?
Night.
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Did you hear the NFL is going to use green footballs next year?
Ever hear of a black dropping a watermelon?
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What do you call two black motorcycle cops?
Chocolate CHiPs.
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What do you call a black hitchhiker?
Stranded.
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This second-grade teacher decides that each Friday she’ll ask her class a question, a real stumper. If it’s answered correctly, everyone gets Monday off.
On the first Friday, she asks, “How many grains of sand are on a beach 50’ x 50’ and 6’ deep?” Needless to say, no one knows the answer.
On the second Friday the teacher asks, “How many gallons of water are there in the Atlantic Ocean?” This one goes unanswered also, and as the weeks go by, the questions don’t get any better. Finally one kid gets fed up. On Thursday he paints two marbles black and on Friday he takes them to school, rolling them toward the teacher just as she’s about to pose the question. Seeing them, she says, “All right, who’s the comedian with the two black balls?
“Bill Cosby!” shouts the kid. “See ya Tuesday.”
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What does the Ku Klu Klan call ten white guys beating on a black man?
A fair fight.
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What do you call a black woman with braces on her teeth?
A Black & Decker pecker wrecker.
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A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under “Number of children,” she wrote “10,” and where it said “List names of children,” she wrote “Leroy.” When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out, “Now here where it says ‘List names of children,’ you’re supposed to write the names of each one of your children.”
“Dey all named Leroy,” said the black woman.
“That’s very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?” asked the welfare worker.
“Oh, den I uses de last names.”
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What’s big and white and lives on the bottom of the ocean?
Ku Klux Clam.
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The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in integration of churches. After a few weeks of checking around, he called headquarters to file his report. “How about the Catholics?” asks his boss.
“The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea.”
“What about the Methodists?”
“They’ve come a long way,” says the agent. “They’re doing just fine.”
“And the Baptists?” asks the boss.
“I just want to know one thing—when they baptize you, how long are they supposed to hold you under?”
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This big black guy is in the Cadillac showroom eyeballing the most deluxe model, and over his face comes a grin that just won’t quit. Perplexed, the car salesman comes up to him and asks, “Exxcuse me, sir, but are you thinking of buying that car?”
“I ain’t thinking about buying that car,” came the answer. “I is gonna buy that car.”
“Very good, sir. But that car’s very expensive— why are you smiling so much?”
“Cause I’m thinkin’ about pussy!”
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There’s a new video game called Black Man:
It has two big lips that chase watermelons around the screen.
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What do you call a black Smurf ?
A Smigger.
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A black guy riding down the road in his new Caddie is so busy waving to his admirers that he completely misses the turn. Over the five-hundred-foot cliff plunges the car, to be smashed into pieces at the bottom—but no black man in sight. Finally we see him, fifty feet from the top of the cliff, clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. “Dear Lord,” he prays, “I never asked you for nothin’ before, but I’m asking you now: Save me, Lord, save me.”
Booms the Lord: “LET GO OF THE BRANCH.”
“But Lord, if I do that I’ll fall.”
“TRUST ME. LET GO OF THE BRANCH.”
“But Lord, I’m gonna fall and die — ”
“TRUST ME. HAVE I EVER LIED TO YOU BEFORE? LET GO OF THE BRANCH.”
“No, Lord, you’ve never lied to me. Okay, here I go.” And he falls to his death.
“DUMB NIGGER.”
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What kind of candy should you send a black virgin on Valentine’s Day?
Chocolate-covered cherries.
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Why does Georgia have blacks and California have earthquakes?
California had first pick.
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What do you get when you cross a black with Bo Derek?
A “Ten of Spades.”
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Why don’t blacks drive convertibles?
Because their lips would flap them to death.
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What happens when you put an Odor-Eater in a black man’s shoes?
He disappears.
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What is sickle-cell anemia?
AIDS for spades.
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What does this mean: 1SS - r = 3NOW
1SB
One soul sister on top of a soul brother, minus a rubber, equals three niggers on welfare.
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There was once a wealthy Texan who had an unreasonable dislike for elephants. Realizing that it was a problem, he consulted a psychiatrist. The shrink told him, “This is a fairly common ailment and the cure is simple: You must go to Africa and shoot an elephant.” That sounded like a good idea, so the Texan flew to Africa and hired a Great White Hunter to take him on a safari to shoot an elephant. Working for the hunter was a local native who, in turn, hired a bunch of his fellows to spread out in a long line, blow horns, beat drums, and drive the elephants toward the elephant-blind where the hunters were waiting. As they waited for the elephant to come, there was suddenly lots of thrashing and bellowing in the bushes, and out came the Head Beater. The Texan shot him right between the eyes. The Great White Hunter became very irate. “What the hell did you do that for? He’s a good friend of mine; we’ve been together for twenty years!”
The Texan replied, “If there’s anything I hate worse than elephants, it’s big black noisy niggers!”
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What does a little black kid say as he’s walking back and forth alongside a zebra?
Italian“Now you see me, now you don’t. Now you see me, now you don’t.”
What’s red, green, blue, yellow, purple, and orange?
An Italian dressed up.
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What’s the definition of a cad?
An Italian who doesn’t tell his wife he’s sterile until after she’s pregnant.
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Have you heard about the Italian girl who flunked her driver’s license test?
When the car stalled, from force of habit she jumped into the back seat.
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Did you hear about the Italian who was asked to be a Jehovah’s Witness?
He refused because he didn’t see the accident.
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What do you call an Italian who marries a black?
A social climber.
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Why don’t Italians have freckles?
Because they slide off.
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Why do Italians wear hats?
So they know which end to wipe.
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What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?
Sicily.
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A little Italian kid was helping the construction crew build a house next door to his. He was acting just like the crewmen, swinging his little plastic tools around and swearing up a storm just like them. His mother wasn’t too pleased when she came to get him for lunch and overheard the kid saying loudly, “Fuckin’ shit, pass me another goddamn nail.” His mother grabbed him by the hand, pulled him inside the house, and said, “Giuseppe, I’m warning you—if your papa ever hears you talking like that, you’re gonna be plenty sorry.”
Hearing of Giuseppe’s misbehavior on his return home from work, the father said, “Son, I’ve got to teach you a lesson. Go out in the back and get me a switch.”
“Fuck you,” said Giuseppe, “that’s the electrician’s job!”
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Did you hear about the Italian who:
—Spent four days in Sears looking for wheels for a miscarriage?
—Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery?
—Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game?
—Lost his girlfriend because he couldn’t remember where he laid her?
—Wouldn’t go out with his wife because she was a married woman?
—Bought his wife a washer and dryer for Christmas—a douche bag and a towel?
—Moved his house two feet back to tighten the clothesline?
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How can you tell Italian women are embarrassed by their long black hair?
Because they wear long black gloves to cover it up.
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How does an Italian count his goats?
He counts the legs and divides by four.
