Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (5 page)

A man went into a bar after work one day, and after a beer or two he noticed a man passed out in the corner. After an hour or so the fellow was still very drunk and incoherent, so, being a nice guy, the first man decided to take him home. He looked up the drunk's address in his wallet, then started struggling to get the man out to his car. Dragging, heaving, and finally carrying the man, he finally reached his car; then the process had to be repeated in front of the drunk's house. At last the nice guy got the man up to the door and rang the bell, which was promptly answered by a pleasant-looking woman.

“Oh, thank you so much for bringing him home,” she said. “But Where's his wheelchair?”

*

A man with a very bad lisp went into a store to buy some nuts. “How muth are your cathews?” he asked the fellow behind the counter.

“Fifteen dollars a pound,” answered the storekeeper.

“How muth are your pecanth?”

“Twenty dollars a pound,” was the answer. “And the peanuths?” he lisped. “Eight dollars a pound.”

“Okay,” said the customer, “I’ll take half a pound of pecanth and half a pound of peanuth, and thankth for not making fun of my lithp.”

“I understand,” said the storekeeper kindly. “You see, I have a rather big nose.”

“Goth, ith that your noth? I thought your nuth were tho high that that wath your dick!”

*

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. “Wow,” comments the midget, “those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”

Surprised—and flattered—the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

“Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,” says the little fellow, “but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them.” Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, “Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!”

*

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A nightcrawler.

*

What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?

Patty.

*

What do you call a man who has a toe growing here (point to knee)?

Tony.

*

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs, on the bottom of the ocean?

Sandy.

*

What do you call the same guy in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

*

One day in the bell tower, Quasimodo decides he wants a day off at least once a week. He puts an ad in the paper and an armless dwarf applies for the job. Quasimodo asks him how he can possibly ring the bell and the armless dwarf says, “Watch this!” He takes a running start and hits the bell with his face to ring it. Then he takes another running start and rings the bell again. Then he takes another running start and misses the bell and falls out the window of the tower. When the police come to ask for witnesses they ask Quasimodo if he knows the man's name. Quasimodo replies, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

*

Little Johnny was showing off his homemade motor scooter to his best friend, Jimmy.

“Where’d you get the motor?” asked Jimmy.

“My dad’s iron lung,” said Johnny.

“What did your dad say about that?” asked Jimmy.

“‘AARRGGHHH!’” said Johnny.

A guy finds a lamp lying on the beach, and, being the ever-hopeful type, he rubs it. Sure enough, after a few minutes a genie appears and offers to grant him his greatest wish. Without a second's hesitation the guy says, “I want a dick that can touch the ground.”

So the genie cuts his legs off.

*

Why did the rubber fly across the room?

It got pissed off.

*

What's the only thing the government can't tax?

A penis, because 90% of the time it's inactive, 10% of the time it's in the hole, and it's got two dependents and they're both nuts.

*

What's the ultimate rejection?

When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

*

What's the definition of skyjacking?

A handjob at 32,000 feet.

*

A young man was spending the night at the apartment of a married couple of his acquaintance. Since they had no couch, the couple decided to share their bed with the guest, and they all retired early.

It wasn't long afterwards that the wife whispered in the young man's ear, “Pull a hair from my husband's butt; if he's asleep we can make love.”

The young man did as instructed, and after getting no response from the husband, he proceeded to make it with the wife. Not feeling completely satisfied, the wife proceeded to propose the same course of action a second time, and later a third time, and the young man was only too happy to oblige.

Finally the husband rolled over and said wearily, “Listen, it's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?”

*

A man was at the urinal in a public restroom when a big black man rushed in, whipped out a twelve-incher, and said, “Whew, I just made it.”

The first guy looked over and said, “Can you make me one too?”

*

What's this? (Make a fist and kiss each of the knuckles.)

Foreplay before masturbation.

*

Why is a dick like Rubik's Cube?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

*

An inquisitive young man was on a flight to Hawaii and was having a few drinks to celebrate his upcoming vacation, so he was quite alarmed to discover that the men's room was under repair. So he asked the stewardess for admittance to the ladies’ room. “Certainly,” said the stewardess, “as long as you don't touch the WW button, the PP button, or the ATR button.” Of course the young man agreed.

But no sooner had he relieved himself than his curiosity got the better of him. He pressed the WW button and soon enjoyed the sensation of warm water being sprayed up onto his rear end. This first experiment was so pleasant that he had no hesitation in reaching for the PP button, and was rewarded by the soft pat of a powder puff on his bottom. Much emboldened by his first two tries, he pressed the ATR button.

The next thing he knew he was waking up in a bright, white room with a nurse standing by his bedside. “What happened?” he asked groggily.

“You pushed the WW button, right?” said the nurse, with a knowing look in her eye.

“Yes,” the young man admitted.

“You also pushed the PP button, right?”

“Yes.”

“And then you pushed the ATR button, am I correct?” “Yeah, so?”

“ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. By the way, your penis is on your pillow.”

*

Definition of a jockstrap:

An All-American ball carrier.

*

What do a cobra and a two-inch cock have in common?

No one wants to fuck with either of them.

*

Why shouldn't you suck a twelve-inch cock?

You could get foot-in-mouth disease.

*

A week before his wedding a young farmer fell off his barn roof into a pile of manure. A bit shaken, he went to the doctor for a checkup. After looking him over, the doctor said, “Well, Tom, you were really pretty lucky, but I do have a bit of bad news for you. When you fell you broke your penis. I can put a splint on it though, and you should be good as new in about two weeks.” Of course this didn't make Tom very happy, but since there was nothing he could do about it, he decided to wait until the wedding night to tell his bride and hope she wouldn't be too upset.

Following the festivities the next week, Tom and his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite at the local motel. Tom still had not mentioned anything about the unfortunate accident. Soon his bride came out of the bathroom wearing a very skimpy nightie, blushed, and said, “Tom, darling, as you know I have never been with a man before . . . ”

Realizing it was now or never, Tom summoned up all his courage, pulled down his shorts, and said, “Louise, I have never been with a woman either. See, mine is still in the crate.”

*

What's worse than a fellatrix with an overbite?

A cunnilinguist with five o'clock a shadow.

*

What's the difference between light and hard?

1) It's light all day.

2) You can sleep with a light on.

*

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

*

Old Pa Jones tells Old Ma Jones that he's going into town today to apply for Social Security. Ma says, “But Pa, you don't have a birth certificate. How are you gonna prove your age?”

“Now don't you worry, Ma,” say Pa, and leaves for town. Sure enough he's back in a few hours and reports that he'll be getting the first check in just three weeks.

“So how'd ya prove your age?” asks Ma.

“Easy,” says Pa, smiling. “I just unbuttoned by shirt and showed ‘em all the gray hairs on my chest.”

“Well, while you were at it,” scolds Ma, “why didn't you drop your pants and apply for disability?”

*

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

*

One spring day two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the greenery and bit him on his prick. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he rushed into town for a doctor.

“There's only one way to save your friend's life,” said the doctor gravely. “If you cut an ‘X’ over the bite and then suck all the poison out, hell probably be okay, but otherwise there's not much hope.”

Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and cried out, “Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?”

“George, old friend,” said Fred sadly, “he said you're gonna die.”

*

What do you get when you cross a stud with a debtor?

Someone always into you for at least ten inches.

*

An eighty-year-old man drops by the local sperm bank and offers to make a donation. The pleasant orderly tries politely to explain how the sperm bank works, suggesting that perhaps he isn't up to making a deposit. But there's no dissuading the old codger, and finally they give up and show him to a cubicle. After two hours the old man has not emerged, so a nurse is sent in to check on him.

Seeing her, the old man exclaims petulantly, “I tried it with my right hand. Then I tried it with my left hand. I even hit it up against the toilet a few times, but I still can't get the top off this little bottle!”

*

What can Lifesavers do that a man can't?

Come in five different flavors.

*

Graffiti: “I'm 10” long and 3” wide. Interested?”

“Fascinated. How big is your dick?”