Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (6 page)

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A guy wandered into the women's rest room and casually unzipped his fly.

“Sir,” said a woman sternly, “this is for ladies.”

“Yeah?” he said. “So's this!”

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This man had such bad luck that when he picked up his shirt out of the drawer, all the buttons fell off. Then when he picked up his attaché case, the handle fell off. And for three days, he was afraid to go to the bathroom.

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After a pleasant date the guy parked his car two hundred yards from the girl's apartment, pulled out his cock, and placed her left hand on it. She slapped him with her right hand, got out of the car, walked the two hundred yards home, turned around, and screamed, “I got two words for you: Drop dead!”

“And I got two words for you,” he screamed back. “LET GO!”

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What's the definition of macho?

Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

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At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees, but a few minutes later says indignantly, “Doctor, that's not my rectum!”

“Madam,” says the doctor, “that's not my thermometer.”

Just then the woman's husband, who's come to pick her up, comes into the room. “Just what the hell is going on here?” he demands.

“I'm taking your wife's temperature,” the doctor coolly explains.

“Okay, doctor,” says the husband, “but that thing better have numbers on it.”

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There was a woman who couldn't get enough, so she put an ad in the paper. The very next afternoon a man came to her front door, and she asked to see his dick. “I'm sorry, young man,” she explained, “but it must be ten feet long. Come back in a week.”

A week passed and the doorbell rang again. “Well,” said the woman, “it's two feet long. Come back in a week and we'll see what we can do.”

Another week went by and the man had to ring the doorbell with his dick wrapped around his neck. “Not bad,” said the woman, “but you've still got a foot to go.”

“Wait a minute,” said the man. “I brought this crank with me.” He finally stretched it out to a full ten feet, and the woman said, “All right, let's go to the bedroom.”

The woman undressed and the man got a hard-on and strangled himself.

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ‘cause my pee barely trickles out.”

“Heck, that's nothing,” said the eighty-year-old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.”

The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven.”

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A young playboy steps into a bar looking for some action. He's delighted to see a gorgeous blonde walk in, but she goes right past him, heads for a table in the back, and cozies up to an old, dirty derelict nursing a whisky. Five minutes later a lovely brunette comes into the bar, but she too makes a beeline for the back table and sits on the other side of the old alcoholic.

Quite at a loss, the young stud leans over and asks the bartender if he knows what's going on.

“I dunno,” says the bartender. “He comes in every day, orders a whisky, sits in the back, and licks his eyebrows.”

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Why did God create men?

Because you can't teach a vibrator to mow the lawn.

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A woman was throwing a costume party where everyone had to dress up as an emotion in order to be admitted. She was at the door when the first guest arrived, dressed in blue. “Aha,” she said. “I see you must be the blues.” The guest nodded and went inside. The next guest was in green, and she said, “I bet you're green with envy.” The guest nodded and went inside. The next guest showed up completely naked but had a bowl of custard strapped around his waist and his penis was stuck in the middle of it. The hostess couldn't figure out what he was, so she inquired. The guest replied, “I'm fucking disgusted.”

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What's this? (Open your mouth wide and stick out your tongue.)

Blow-jobber's cramp.

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A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mom asking him for his picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her one from the waist up.

His mom wrote back after receiving the photo and said, “Can your grandma have one too?” The man thought, Since Grandma can't see well, I'll give her the bottom half. So he sent it.

After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, “Nice picture, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long.”

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A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and asked the grocer for a can of cat food. The grocer knew the woman and knew that she didn't have a cat. So he asked why she was buying the cat food. The woman replied, “It's for my husband's lunch.” The grocer was shocked and said, “You can't feed cat food to your husband! It will kill him.”

“I've been giving it to him for a week now, and he really likes it!” she replied.

And so each day, the woman would come in and buy a can of cat food for her husband's lunch. One day the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary column of the local paper and noticed that the woman's husband had passed away. When she came into the store a few days later, he said to her, “I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but I told you that if you kept on giving him cat food it would kill him.”

The woman replied, “It wasn't the cat food that killed him. He broke his neck trying to lick his ass!”

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Then there was a woman who was divorcing her husband on the grounds of “hobosexuality.”

“Don't you mean homosexuality,” her friend asked.

“No, hobosexuality. He's a bum fuck.”

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A guy got a sunburn at a nude beach. Later, he found lovemaking unbearable, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of milk, and inserted himself. His girlfriend, watching from the door, said, “I've always wanted to know how men reloaded that thing!”

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A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the men did to relieve the pressure.

“Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower,” suggested the foreman. “The men swear by it.”

The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of his life. “That barrel is fantastic!” he said. “I'm going to use it every day!”

“Every day but Wednesday,” the foreman said.

“Why not Wednesday?”

“That's your day in the barrel.”

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A man is very horny, but also very broke. He manages to scrape up two dollars, however, and goes to the local whorehouse. The madam looks at his money and laughs. She explains that for two dollars there's a special cheapskate room. She ushers him down the hall and shows him into a room, leaving and closing the door behind her. In the room is a full-length mirror and a duck. The man looks at this, and says to himself, I'm not going to fuck a duck. However, after thinking it over, he remembers how horny he is, and figures, What the hell, I'll try anything once. A week later, he's horny again, but even more broke. He goes to the whorehouse with his last dollar. The madam laughs and tells him that for one dollar he can't fuck anything, but he can see a good show. She ushers him into a room where several men are gathered around a one-way window, laughing and screeching. Approaching the window, the man sees a guy getting it on with a goat. Remembering last week, he uncomfortably says, “I don't see what's so funny.” One of the spectators turns to him and says, “It's not as funny as last week. We had a guy here who was doing it with a duck!”

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What are the five worst things about being a penis?

—You have a hole in your head.

—You have permanent ring-around-the-collar.

—Your next-door neighbors are two nuts and an asshole.

—Your best friend is a cunt.

—Every time you get excited, you throw up.

Why did God give women nipples?

To make suckers out of men.

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Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for the new season?

Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

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A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, “Father, I've had an affair with another woman.”

“I see,” says the priest, looking grave. “But I cannot grant you absolution until you tell me who she is.”

“Well, okay, Father,” says the guy somewhat reluctantly. “Her name is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout.”

The following Sunday this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and finally asks the altar boy, “Son, is that Pussy Green?”

The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, “No, Father, I think that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows.”

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Why are clams like women?

When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.

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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

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Part of a certain Avon lady's territory included a ten-story high-rise apartment complex, and she had a favorite customer on the eighth floor. While on her way out of the elevator to pay a sales call, the Avon lady realized she was about to pass some gas. Looking around and not finding anyplace more appropriate, she quickly darted back into the empty elevator and relieved herself. The aroma was particularly lethal, so she rummaged through her Avon bag until she came across some pine-scented spray, with which she liberally doused the elevator.

By this time the elevator was back to the ground floor, and when the doors opened a drunk reeled in. The Avon lady tried to look nonchalant, pushing the button for the eighth floor, but the drunk kept sniffing around and eyeing her suspiciously. Finally she asked stiffly, “Is something wrong, sir?”

“Well I don't know about you, lady,” said the drunk, “but it smells like someone took a shit on a Christmas tree in here!”

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How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well?

When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a glazed doughnut.

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Three young women were hired by an insurance company on the same day. A year later the boss said each of them was due for a promotion, and that each woman would get her own office with her name on the door.

One day one of the women came in and found to her surprise and dismay that the other two had already moved into their own offices. Going into her boss's office, she asked when her own office would be provided.

He pulled back his chair from his desk and unzipped his fly. “See this?” he asked. “This is quality. And in this company, quality goes in before the name goes on.”

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Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?

You put in a quarter and get fucked.

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Two old ladies are sitting on their rocking chairs out in front of the nursing home when Lucy turns to her friend and asks, “Mildred, do you remember the minuet?”

“Good heavens, no,” replies Mildred. “I don't even remember the ones I fucked.”

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I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breasts fall off:

Oh... I see you've already heard it.