Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (11 page)

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“Michael, stop twisting your sister's head.”

“Michael, I SAID to stop that!” “I'm going to belt you one if you don't stop twisting Lisa's head!”

“Okay, Michael, give it back to her.”

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What's worse than lipstick on your collar?

Leg makeup on your ears.

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What's 69 twice?

Dinner for four.

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What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captain's log.

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Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?

To go where no man has ever gone before.

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What do toilet paper and the starship Enterprise have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Kling-ons.

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What's blue and creamy?

Smurf cum.

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For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to give him oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent and inexperienced to even think of such a thing, let alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked, “How was I, sweetheart?”

He looked back at her and said, “How should I know—I'm no cocksucker!”

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Why can't witches have babies?

Their husbands have Hallo weenies.

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Why can't fortune tellers have babies?

Their husbands have crystal balls.

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What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

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What happens when you cross a prostitute with a computer?

You get a fucking know-it-all.

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What do the Moral Majority and the gay community have in common?

They both suck.

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Know where you can find sympathy?

In the dictionary, somewhere between “shit” and “syphilis.”

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Helen's husband had a terrible habit of letting go with an absolutely gigantic fart every time he woke up in the morning. His wife's warnings that one day he was going to fart his guts right out had no effect on Sam.

One Thanksgiving morning Helen was up early preparing the turkey dinner when the perfect way to stop Sam’s disgusting habit came into her head. She took the giblets from the turkey, snuck into the bedroom, and very carefully dropped them down the back of Sam's shorts.

Sam woke up and cut a huge fart, but when he rolled over onto his back he felt something strange. Fearing the worst, he ran into the bathroom, and Helen was gratified to hear a terrifying shriek through the closed door.

When she came up the stairs to check on him, Sam was white as a ghost and dripping with sweat. Holding up two fingers, he said, “My God, Helen, you were right! I farted my guts right out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got ‘em all back in!”

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What's green and yellow, has cookie crumbs all over it, lies on the side of the road, and stinks?

A dead Girl Scout.

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Five people—the pilot, the Pope, the president of the United States, a famous black leader, and a boys scout—were traveling in a light plane. When one of the plane's engines sputtered and caught fire, the pilot, realizing that the plane was going down, made an announcement to his alarmed passengers.

“Gentlemen,” he said, “we aren't going to make it. Not only that, but we've only got four parachutes for the five of us. I hate to be selfish about this, but the early bird gets the worm. Adios!”

So saying, he grabbed one of the four parachutes and leaped from the plane.

The president then turned to his fellow passengers. “My survival is crucial to the well-being of the free world,” he intoned. “I must think of the country ... and save myself.”

And he reached into the pile of chutes, took one, and jumped.

Then the black leader seized the moment.

“I am the world's smartest black man,” he shouted. “Millions of black people all over the world look to me for leadership. I must think of the future!”

And he reached into the pile and threw himself out the door.

The Pope, a kindly man, turned to the boy scout.

“I've lived a long life,” he said to the young scout. “The time has come for me to meet Our Lord. Son, I want you to take that last parachute and save yourself.”

The Boy Scout grinned and clapped the Pope on his shoulder.

“It's not your time yet, Pope,” he said. “The world's smartest black man just jumped out of here carrying my knapsack!”

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Two old guys wonder if there's baseball in heaven and promise each other that the first to get there will somehow let the other know. A week later one of them dies. A week after that he contacts his friend on earth and says, “Joe, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a baseball team in heaven. The bad news is that you're pitching on Friday.”

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What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

About 8 or 9 drinks.

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A young up-and-coming executive was informed that he would be forced to take a 30 percent cut in pay. Later on that evening he was discussing with his wife ways in which they could trim some fat out of their budget.

“Honey,” he said, “if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could fire the cook.”

“Well, dear,” she replied, “if you could learn to fuck, we could get rid of the gardener.”

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A cannibal went to the witch doctor, complaining of stomach pains. The witch doctor examined him and said, “It must have been something you ate. Tell me about it.”

The cannibal replied, “I ate a missionary the other day.”

“That shouldn't have done it. Can you remember any details about him?”

“Well, he was a tall man, he was wearing a brown robe, he was walking down the trail, and I caught him and boiled him and ate him.”

“That's the trouble, you dummy, you boiled him and he was a friar.”

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What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?

Bozo the Clone.

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How do you spot a levelheaded Kentuckian?

He's got tobacco juice running out of both corners of his mouth.

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There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really suntanned all over except on his penis, and decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, and one looks down and says, “There really is no justice in this world!” The other old lady says, “What do you mean?”

The first old lady says, “look at that!

“When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

“When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

“When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.

“When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.

“When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.

“When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.

“When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

“And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild.”

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What's the first thing Eskimo mothers teach their children?

Don't eat yellow snow.

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What did June Cleaver say when she reached menopause?

“Ward, I'm worried about the Beaver.”

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How many JAPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five: four to bitch about it and one to get her boyfriend to do it.

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There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling toothbrushes. His boss, wondering at this unlikely success, sent a man out to follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side a bag of potato chips and a small bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them the following pitch.

“Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion ________brand of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?” At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream in utter disgust, “This tastes like shit!” The salesman would smile and say, “It is. You want to buy a toothbrush?”

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A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a person's urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, followed by his daughter, and then the family dog. Then he beat off in it. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours went by before the doctor came out. He was just sweating bullets. “You know,” he said, “it took me a long time, but I think I've finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you'd quit beating off, you wouldn't have tennis elbow.”

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Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died, there wasn't a coffin large enough to hold him?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?

There's no John.

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What's grosser than gross?

Fucking a pregnant lady and the fetus gives you head.

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What's grosser than gross?

Biting into a hot dog and finding veins in it.

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What's grosser than gross?

When you open the refrigerator door and the rump roast farts in your face.

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What's grosser than gross?

Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary.

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Why were the midget and the circus fat lady so deliriously happy when they were married?

She let him try a new wrinkle every night.

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Did you hear about the man who ate his son?

He didn't know his wife was pregnant.

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What do you do with a dead black?

Cut off his lips and use them for suitcase handles.

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A very horny young man goes to the busiest whorehouse in town, goes up to the front desk, and orders a blonde with big tits. Sitting down on the sofa, he sees a bowl of tomatoes on the coffee table, and being pretty hungry, he reaches over and bites into one. Just then his blonde walks in, but at the sight of him she shrieks and runs back up the stairs.

A bit disconcerted by this performance, the man cancels his order and asks for a redhead with even bigger tits. He's just bitten into a second tomato when a luscious redhead materializes, only to run out of the room with a horror-stricken look on her face.