To Protect & Serve (24 page)

After a long time, she said, “I don’t know what’s happening to me.” She took a deep, labored breath. “My emotions are all over the place and everything hurts.”

Alex’s sporadic breathing created invisible fingers that stroked Keri’s neck and the swell of her breasts. She fought the physical responses threatening to overtake her, sensing Alex’s deeper need. “It happens to everybody.”

“What happens to everybody?” Alex sniffed.

“I call it the monster mash.”

Alex’s body jerked as a low chuckle sounded in her throat. “Care to elaborate on that highly technical term?”

“It’s the sad stuff we bury, hoping it’ll go away by itself. Problem is, it doesn’t. It gets bigger, uglier, and scarier until it feels like a huge monster that’s going to crush us from the inside.”

Alex released the small sobs fighting their way up from her chest. “I didn’t get to tell my parents good-bye.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Then there was Helen,” Alex choked out. “She once threatened to shoot me, but I stayed with her anyway. What an idiot.”

“Shh…” Keri rocked Alex in her arms, finally understanding the terrified look in her eyes that dreadful night in the gym. Such intense pain. Damn Helen Callahan for hurting her.

“I don’t know how I could let someone do that to me. I’m a cop. I know better.”

“Alex, it’s not your fault. Like a friend once told me, people can fool us sometimes, but we still have to trust. I know how it feels.”

“How did you get to be so wise?”

“I’m a fast learner. And I’m convinced life is worth the effort.”

They sat huddled on the dock as the full moon rose between the trees, casting its silver luminescence across the water. Intermittent periods of calm and restlessness racked Alex’s body as the wellspring of tears ebbed and flowed, but she marveled at the incredible peace she felt in Keri’s arms. As she began to feel more comfortable, she recognized a desire to remain there forever. A voice in the back of her mind asked if Keri could be the one.

Keri hadn’t felt so needed for a long time. Sometimes when she held her mother, she felt the same draining she sensed in Alex. Her mother was dying, and Keri understood that part of Alex was also dying, a part Keri hoped she’d never have to revisit. Holding Alex felt so natural and right. She’d imagined how close they could be, but not in this context. She’d just assumed their physical longing would be answered before the emotional, but she much preferred this. She cherished the intimate glimpse of Alex’s life and inner self she’d been allowed to share.

She finger-combed Alex’s thick, auburn hair and lowered her head to inhale the remnants of a light floral shampoo mixed with musk perfume. The fragrance invaded her senses, creating a memory that would be forever Alex. Massaging the back of Alex’s neck with small circular motions, she placed a light kiss on the top of her head.

Alex drew back slightly. “Keri…” What she wanted to explain, she wasn’t exactly sure. “I’m sorry you found out about…me. Especially like this. I trust you’ll use discretion.”

Their eyes locked and Keri felt herself moving toward Alex’s slightly parted lips.

Alex allowed herself to look beyond Keri Morgan, the officer, acknowledging the unspoken between them. The chemistry was too strong to ignore. Gazing into Keri’s eyes, she was overcome with desire. Longing ripped through her and seared into her soul. She’d seen this strength and compassion before, but refused to consider its implications. Such levels of empathy and nurturing could never be faked. This was a woman deserving of trust and love.

Alex’s brain screamed for her to stop, but as Keri came closer and her breath washed hot across Alex’s face, she knew she was lost. All she wanted was to kiss her, to hold her and feel everything that came afterward, whatever that might be, for however long it lasted. Right now, her body demanded contact.

The feathery brush of Alex’s lips initially tickled Keri’s. She wondered if they’d touched at all until a jolt of electricity shot to her core, forever welding her soul to this woman. A splash of color flashed behind her eyelids. Her nipples grew hard and painful. Pressure built between her legs, straining for release. She grew light-headed as Alex’s mouth demanded more. Never had Keri imagined a simple kiss could release so many feelings—tenderness, compassion, desire, need, hunger, craving, love, and an animalistic willingness to do or be anything Alex Troy wanted. She prayed this would never end.

Alex slid her arms tighter around Keri’s naked waist. Everywhere their exposed flesh touched felt like a volcanic explosion followed by liquid fire burning its way to the river flowing between her thighs. The gilded moonlight cast shadows across their entwined bodies. Their kiss deepened, as did Alex’s need. She refused to stop for air as her breath, ragged and hot, escaped in erratic spurts.

“Hey, are you two down there?” Beth’s voice shattered the charged air around them.

Alex withdrew as if stricken. She stared at Keri, her eyes hazy with desire, mouth open and lips swollen. Breathing in short, uneven gasps, she traced the angle of Keri’s jaw with her finger, then rose as though her legs were leaden.

“We can’t,” she said simply.

“Why?” Keri felt the distance between them grow with every breath Alex took.

“Because I want it too much.” Without looking back, Alex walked away and climbed the stairs toward Beth.

Keri was unable to speak or move. She felt as if she’d flown too close to the sun, energized by the rays but ultimately burned by the intensity. She sat motionless as chirping crickets, buzzing mosquitoes, and the gentle lapping of waves against the dock invaded her oversensitized faculties.

She would never forget these life-changing minutes, the lingering fragrance of Alex’s perfume, the creamy look and feel of her naked skin, and the burning points of contact as they touched. The silken texture of Alex’s lips stayed with her. So, too, the way her tongue filled Keri’s mouth and stroked her from the inside and the connection she felt so profoundly to the essence of her being.

A few minutes later, Keri knew she had to go after Alex and refuse to accept the dismissal of all they might have. Frantically she rushed up the bank of stairs toward the cabin. As she reached the top, a car spun out of the gravel driveway. It felt like a piece of her heart was dragged behind on the pebbly surface.

*

“I fucked up.” Keri buried her face in her hands.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.” Tammy tried to reassure her, sensing the pain that radiated from her.

“But I did. One minute she was telling me about her parents and Helen, crying and letting me hold her, and the next minute she was gone.”

A short pause followed while Tammy and Beth exchanged a disbelieving glance. Then Tammy asked quietly, “She told you about Helen?”

Keri recounted the conversation. She felt bad for talking about those private moments, but she needed to vent.

“So why do you think you messed up?” Beth asked. “It sounds like the two of you shared something special.”

“Until she kissed me. No, that’s not right. I kissed her. I mean, I’m not sure how it happened.” Keri shook her head to loosen the passionate haze that clung to the memory. “We kissed and…it was so different, soft and hot at the same time. Listen to me, I sound like a cliché. I don’t even have words for what I feel.”

Beth gave her an encouraging pat on the leg. “You sound like a woman in love.”

“I’ve never been that turned on by anyone in my life. I wanted it to go on forever. I wanted to make…” Keri’s skin tingled and flushed with her recollection and the interrupted thought. She knew she should feel uncomfortable telling her most intimate feelings to people she barely knew, but the emotions just seemed to pour from her of their own volition.

“Isn’t this a good thing?” Beth asked.

Tammy shook her head and smiled at her well-meaning lover. “Except for one little detail, honey. Alex isn’t here. So we’re not sure how
she’s
feeling about all this.”

“If there’s one person in this whole screwed-up world I know, besides you, my little cupcake, it’s Alex Troy, and believe me, she’s crazy about Keri.”

Lowering her eyes, Keri shook her head. “I don’t think so. She told me it couldn’t happen and just walked away. She didn’t even look back.”

Keri couldn’t contain the tears any longer. They rolled down her face, unwelcome and unending. She didn’t resist when Tammy held her.

“I know it hurts,” Tammy soothed as Keri nestled into her shoulder. “But try to remember it’s not about you.”

“She’s right,” Beth said. “Alex is struggling with her own feelings right now. Give her some time. She’ll work it out.”

*

Alex’s drive back to Granville was riddled with self-recrimination and outbursts of disbelief.
What was I thinking?
She couldn’t believe she’d told Keri all those things about her life. And
then
kissed her. Again. Keri, a subordinate. And the kiss was so perfect and the feelings that flooded her body so intense, she wanted to stay in Keri’s arms forever. Though Keri’s intent had not been sexually motivated, she had aroused feelings in Alex, physical and emotional, that no one ever had. Alex supposed on some level she was running away from that realization. She’d only just found her legs after Helen. She didn’t want them to crumple beneath her all over again.

Beth had tried to convince her to stay and talk things through with Keri, but she wasn’t strong enough to do that and she had to make some serious decisions before she took that risk. She couldn’t look at Keri and pretend she didn’t care. But she needed time and distance to reassemble her defenses and rehearse her justifications before she could convince herself they should stay apart.

The arguments were pretty straightforward. To fraternize with subordinates was a violation of departmental policy, not to mention a federal offense for sexual harassment. Add to that the same-sex component and things could get really messy. All it would take was one pissed-off employee she didn’t transfer or promote or evaluate to their liking and she’d be in deep trouble. Just the hint that they were involved could be dangerous for both of them.

But the minute Keri saw her she’d know Alex was falling in love with her. That could not happen. Alex wasn’t even sure she could be trusted to be discreet. She had no defense for her actions, unless being under the influence of love counted. She’d never be able to look Keri in the eyes again. And what beautiful eyes they were.
I’m so screwed.

Alex paced her office and struggled to concentrate on the surveillance reports she’d been holding for the past two hours. The words ran together and Keri Morgan’s face stared out at her from every page.

Their kiss still burned her lips and carved a path of desire through her body that was too demanding to ignore. With each memory of it she grew weak and wet, a gut-twisting hunger so strong that self-pleasuring had failed miserably to satisfy it.

Beth’s distinctive three-tap knock sounded at her door.

Alex had been waiting for her. “Come in,” she called, setting aside the file she’d been reading.

Beth took the seat beside her desk. “What’s up, Lieu?”

“It’s time we made those buys we were talking about before my accident. We have enough on his street-level dealers now, and if we can get Tiffany Brown to repeat what I overheard, we can put him away.”

“I agree. Let’s do it,” Beth said. “We’ve linked two of the dead students who still had the drugs on them to specific dealers.”

“Good, so we can compare their product to the evidence, and move on up the supply chain to Davis.”

“Want me to have Morgan call her informant?”

“No, he’s been hanging out with Davis. It won’t look right to have him make a buy at the bottom rung.”

Beth hesitated. “What about sending in Morgan herself?”

“That’s out of the question,” Alex said.

“Why? Chad has already set up a cover for her, and Davis knows she’s in the market. If we ran this as a buy-bust we could arrest her, then she could call him and ask for help.”

Alex considered the possibility for a few seconds. Davis had called “Lynn” to check in on her after the roofie incident. Maybe a strategy like that would flush him out into the open. But it could also shut down their options. She had a better idea, one that made her uncomfortable, admittedly. But it was time she left her personal feelings at home when she came to work.

“No, I want to keep Morgan playing him along until he’ll supply her directly,” she said. “We need to set this up as a routine bust and work a personal angle. There are other officers who would have been suitable for the task force. Bring in one of those.” Thinking ahead, she asked, “Do any of those dealers have a lot of enemies?”

“A couple spring to mind.” Beth’s initial puzzlement gave way to comprehension. “I see where you’re going with this. We collar one of them and circulate a story on the street that someone with a beef set him up?”

“Exactly. We can use Chad to spread a rumor once the bust goes down.”

“There’s a risk Davis will be rattled and lay low,” Beth cautioned.

“Maybe for a short while,” Alex conceded. “But it’s just another day at the office for guys like him. Busts are inevitable. Lose one dealer, replace him with another.”