To Protect & Serve (23 page)

“Not at all,” Tammy reassured her. “It’s sort of like my job. Learning to feel and respect the pain of others, but not being crippled by it. Otherwise, I couldn’t function.”

“But Keri—that’s her name—has never had that kind of training,” Alex said.

“So, she learned the hard way. She lived through pain and survived.”

“I’ve got no right to dump my garbage on her. She deserves better than a battle-scarred lesbo like me.”

“Oh, Alex, don’t,” Tammy said impatiently. “You’re one of the best, most kindhearted people I know. You’re just afraid of being hurt again and that’s normal.”

Alex heaved a heavy sigh. “Then there’s the work thing. I can’t get involved with somebody on the job, especially not a subordinate.”

“That’s the least of your worries, love,” Tammy continued. “Work situations change all the time. You could find other interests. This woman could decide the force isn’t for her and move on. Don’t let your job stand in the way of a chance for happiness.”

Alex thought of her parents’ business and her father’s wish for her future. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I think you should let yourself be open to possibility. That’s all.” Tammy gave Alex’s hand a loving pat and said, “Come on, let’s relax.”

She led Alex from the kitchen to the rocking chairs on the covered porch overlooking the lake. For the next hour or so they talked, laughed, drank, and caught up on current events and relived old memories. Warmth from her surroundings coupled with the stimulation of two vodka tonics tamed Alex’s stress and loosened the worries of work.

“You and Beth are so lucky,” she mused, looking out toward the water. “I mean to find each other. A relationship like yours is rare. You complement the good and ‘needs improvement’ areas of each other’s lives beautifully.”

“Yeah, we’ve been together years and I still love her so much. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been drugged.”

Alex caught a sharp breath at the offhand remark. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought about Keri’s tests for at least an hour. She was so relaxed and comfortable that work seemed a lifetime away. She took out her cell phone but Tammy immediately announced her objections.

“Put that away. If there’s bad news at work, you’ll hear soon enough.”

“I guess so. Maybe I’ll take a sunset dip. I love this time of day.”

Alex moved to the deck railing and gazed out at the lake, not really seeing the beauty in front of her. Tammy was right. All too often she pretended to take time off and ended up working. In the end, her body, mind, and spirit had suffered. This time she wanted it to be different. There was too much at stake. She had important things to think about and she wanted to give herself the mental space to do so.

The walkway to the dock virtually sprouted blooming black-eyed Susans and petunias. A woman would have to be a nurturer to spend so much time on landscaping at a vacation home, but that described Tammy perfectly. Her deep concern for everything living transcended her role as a therapist. Maybe a therapist was exactly what Alex needed to sort out the jumble of emotions that battled inside her. She wasn’t having much luck by herself.

*

Ten minutes later Tammy heard the crunching-gravel approach of her partner’s car and then Beth hurried toward the house. A second woman emerged from the passenger side.

“Honestly, honey,” Tammy greeted Beth at the door. “I still think you should’ve told them both. Alex is going to kill you for playing matchmaker.”

“I know, but some things are just worth the risk.” Beth grinned sheepishly.

“Get down to the dock and tell Alex so she’s not completely blindsided.”

“I will as soon as I introduce you to Keri,” Beth grabbed Tammy in a bear hug and nibbled playfully on her ear.

“Don’t think for one second you’re fooling me, Beth Price.” Tammy’s lips met Beth’s and parted when she needed to breathe. “I love you.”

The lusty look in her eyes told Beth it was as true then as it had been the first time they kissed. “I love you too, babe.” She opened the door wide and urged Keri, “Come on in. This is Tammy, my partner.”

“It’s so good to meet you, Keri. Beth has told me a lot about you.”

Keri seemed surprised, but she returned Tammy’s enthusiastic hug and said, “Thanks for the invitation. I was so excited when Beth asked me to come up. I need a break.”

“You’re so welcome. Sit, please.” Tammy motioned to the bar. “Can I get you a drink?”

“A beer would be perfect.” Keri thought about her last beer and almost reconsidered.

Tammy handed her a bottle of Michelob, then pulled steaks and chicken from the refrigerator. “How are your folks doing?” she asked as she worked. “Beth tells me you live at home to help them out.”

“The doctors say my dad can live to a ripe old age if he does as he’s told, but he can be stubborn. He doesn’t understand about heart problems. My mom is slowly deteriorating. Alzheimer’s. It’s sad to watch. One day she seems like her old self and the next she’s gone.”

“It’s a terribly difficult disease for the patient and the family. I’m so sorry.” Tammy asked, “What’s this I hear about you getting drugged?”

Keri’s beer stopped halfway to her lips. “I still don’t know what really happened with the target. Beth gave me the sanitized version.” Keri’s hesitation and sad blue eyes hinted at wounds old and new.

“The operation went well,” Beth said. “And you’re doing a great job. Now if you’ll both excuse me, I need to take care of a few things.” She dropped a kiss on Tammy’s cheek and vanished up the stairs.

“I’m sure this assignment means a lot to you,” Tammy said as she seasoned the steaks.

“Yes, it’s a big opportunity.” Keri enjoyed talking to someone outside the police community and for some reason she felt comfortable with Tammy even though they’d just met. She had a sense that Tammy could understand her need to prove herself in a job that was often unrewarding and thankless. “I don’t want to let anyone down.”

“I can’t see that happening,” Tammy said. “You’re obviously a caring and devoted daughter and I hear you also have the potential to be a top-notch narcotics officer.”

“Thank you.” Keri scraped the moistened label from her beer bottle and looked everywhere in the room except at Tammy. She wasn’t sure why it felt so strange to be complimented, or why she assumed automatically that Tammy was just being nice to her partner’s colleague.

As if Tammy had read her mind, she said, “For what it’s worth, Beth really does think highly of you or she wouldn’t have invited you out here.”

Embarrassed to be so transparent, Keri said, “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just shaken up after what happened last night. I should have been more careful, or at least known I’d been slipped something. Instead, I have to be…rescued by my boss.”

“And you’d rather impress her, huh?”

Keri laughed. She could feel guilty color washing her face.

“I see.” Tammy’s gaze was very direct. Too direct for comfort. “Alex has that effect.”

“You know her.” Keri felt silly. Of course Tammy knew her partner’s best friend.

“Not as well as Beth does, but we’re both very fond of her.” Seeing something shift in Keri’s expression, Tammy said, “You seem bothered by her, or am I imagining it?”

After a long silence, Keri replied, “No, you’re not imagining it. Alex and I have some history. I behaved badly, and…I guess I just want her to give me a chance.”

“Alex is one of the fairest people I know. I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.”

If only it were that simple.
Keri sighed. She took a deep breath as tears welled up in her eyes. Without thinking, she said, “I wish I didn’t care so much.” She lowered her head instantly. How indiscreet could she get?

Tammy wasn’t stupid. “You’re attracted to Alex?”

Keri looked around desperately. “I should be helping with something. Where did Beth go?”

“I think she went down to the dock.” Tammy glanced out the window, concerned that Beth hadn’t returned. Hopefully she’d had time to run interference with Alex.

“Great. Mind if I join her?” Keri picked up her beer from the counter. “I’ve got a suit on under my shorts. I was so excited about taking a swim tonight.”

“Be my guest. It’s beautiful at sunset.” Tammy walked outdoors with her. “But tell me something first. Do you care about Alex? I mean, personally.”

Pretending seemed pointless. Keri placed her hand over her heart and let out a halting breath. “She just fills me up, Tammy. I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone.”

“Then I have some advice for you. Tell her.”

Keri’s eyes locked onto Tammy’s. “I don’t think she wants to hear.”

“Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants.” Tammy sounded very serious all of a sudden. “In life, we don’t always get second chances. Go with your heart, Keri. That’s the best advice I can give you.”

“Then I’ll take it,” came the soft reply.

“There’s something else,” Tammy said. “I’m sure you’ve noticed the place settings for four. Alex is down at the dock.”

Startled, Keri backed up. “How—”

“I think Beth’s trying to do a bit of matchmaking of her own, but she should’ve told you.”

A sparkle drove the uncertainty from Keri’s eyes. “Then I’d better not disappoint her,” she said with a hint of mischief. “Wish me luck.”

Chuckling, Tammy said, “I do.”

Just as Keri walked away, Beth came bouncing out the back door. Tammy shot her a pleading look. “Tell me you’ve warned Alex about our fourth guest.”

Beth shook her head. “I was just going down there now.”

“Too late.” Tammy eyed her lover fondly.

Comprehension dawned on Beth’s face. “Where’s Keri?”

They both looked toward the dock. “On her way to a close encounter of a weird kind,” Tammy said.

Alex adored the peaceful stillness that preceded night, those precious minutes between twilight and dark. At the edge of the dock she dropped the towel she’d grabbed from the cedar-sided boathouse and sat down. Dangling her feet in the water, she watched the sunlight withdraw with a splash of color behind a veil of pine and poplar. Tall guardian pines surrounded the cove, which was far enough off the main waterway to make passing traffic unobtrusive. Encouraged by the combination of beauty and tranquility around her, Alex allowed herself to feel everything she’d been fending off recently.

The anger she felt over the injustice of her parents’ untimely deaths rose in her as it often did, uninvited. This time Alex didn’t push it down. Her stomach tensed and emotion built in her chest. Small tremors rose from her midsection and escaped her lips with a whimper. She didn’t want to hold back any longer. It hurt too much. She could feel it inside, eating away her life. Soon her shoulders were shaking uncontrollably, her wails echoed across the cove, and her tears fell unbidden.

She had no idea how long she’d been crying when she heard footsteps, alerting her that Beth had arrived for the sunset performance. Without turning, she said, “Sometimes it’s just so hard to keep it all inside. I don’t want to be the strong one anymore.”

Standing behind Alex on the dock, Keri felt like a voyeur infringing on an intimate moment. What now? Should she announce herself or just wait quietly to be noticed?
She opened her mouth to speak but was silenced by a compulsion to experience this heart-wrenching soliloquy, the betrayal of all she thought she knew about Alex Troy.

Alex drew a sobbing breath. “I wonder how my life would be today if I hadn’t fallen in love with Helen Callahan, if my parents hadn’t died so early, if I hadn’t become a cop.”

“Oh…I’m sorry, but…” Keri stammered.

Alex whirled around and came face-to-face with a blushing, swimsuit-clad Keri Morgan. Her mouth fell open. “Where did you come from?” She turned away and grabbed the edge of her beach towel, attempting to wipe her watery eyes.

Keri had never seen such hurt in their depths. “I’m so sorry to interrupt. I didn’t know you were…”

Alex shook her head. “Please, don’t.”

The intensity of Alex’s pain grabbed Keri and pulled her in. She closed the distance between them, sat down, and placed her hand on Alex’s shoulder. “We’re off the job.” She tried to console her, knowing she couldn’t possibly erase what she’d just heard. “If nothing else, I’d like to be a friend.”

Alex’s pride felt bruised. Embarrassed by her outburst, she struggled to regain control but couldn’t. She’d never allowed herself to acknowledge the suffering or grieve the losses completely. Somehow she knew it had to come out now or she’d forever be a prisoner.

Keri watched tears pooling in Alex’s swollen eyes as a progression of anger, fear, pain, and surrender clouded her features, battling for dominance. Instinctively avoiding eye contact, Keri wrapped Alex’s shaking frame in her arms, bringing their bodies together. She couldn’t help the joy that came over her as she understood what she was finally seeing, the person behind the public façade. “Let it go. I know it hurts. You’re safe with me, Alex.”

The soft whisper released another torrent of emotion. The years of psychological restraint shattered. More cries of unbridled anguish escaped Alex’s lips as waves of tears tumbled down her face. The soothing sound of Keri’s voice combined with the gentleness of her caress made Alex believe she really could finally be free. For the first time in years, she allowed herself to be comforted without fear of payback.