To Be With You (20 page)

“Want to sit with me for a moment?” she asked, sitting and patting the sand next to her.

Forever, Sean thought, joining her. He was feeling fairly exhausted now that the adrenaline had begun to recede. First giving his statements to the cops, checking on the other women, calling Hope to get Justin, and so forth. The fight had been draining out of him, leaving him steadily more aware of another feeling rising inside. A kind of happy anticipation, though for what he didn’t know. So he just waited, knowing she probably had the answer. He’d always waited for her.

“I think I’m a little bit in love with you,” she said, arms on her knees, face turned to the sea. He could see navy reflected in them, and loved the way her hair responded to the sea breeze by lifting in delicate tendrils.

“I think I know that,” he said, surprised that he actually did. “I heard once that the most beautiful woman to a man is one who loves him. And you’ve always been the most beautiful to me.”

She smiled, shook her head slightly. “I guess I have always loved you. Not sure when it became a different kind of love though.”

He sunk his hands into the sand at his sides. It was cool, just slightly moist. A wonderful, steadying sensation against his skin. Something to bury himself in so that he could stay calm.

“I guess I just always wanted to wait,” she said. She put her hands on her knees and rubbed them. “It’s not like it was conscious. It’s just that I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Like someone tainted like me could never be with someone like you.”

He opened his mouth, but she silenced him with a single finger to his lips. He shut up, feeling slightly aroused by the touch, but more interested in where she was going verbally, emotionally.

“I thought that once I was healthy, I could consider you. I thought there was no point before that. I told myself I wasn’t attracted. That once I was, I could think about being with you.”

He nodded. She pulled her finger from his lips, knowing he wouldn’t interrupt her now.

“But I realized the night I called you over, that you were the one I felt attracted to already,” she said. “And I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

He nodded.

“And sometimes, that’s just how it’s going to be,” she said.

“I know,” he said.

“Thanks,” she laughed. “But I do know I can’t scare you off now.” She put her hands in the sand.

“Why?” he said, this time the one who couldn’t make eye contact. It seemed that the more emotionally intense something was, the harder it was to hear it from someone who was facing you. “Why now?”

“Because I told you,” she said. “I told you what I’d always wanted to tell you.”

“About your stepdad? ‘Cause I botched that—”

“Shh,” she said. “Let me finish.” She drew a little circle in the sand in front of their feet. Sean watched the swirl become less pronounced as the sand rushed back to fill it in, not succeeding in completely erasing it.

“I told you, and you didn’t leave.” She gave him a stern look because he was about to butt in again. “Well you did, but you came back,” she laughed. “And I was horrible to you, too.”

Sean just nodded. They’d both been horrible. A decade of sexual tension could have a funny effect on people.

“But today just really settled it.”

“I know, I saw it in your eyes, after the fight. I don’t know why though. I just did what was right.” Sean didn’t want her to like him just because he had dominated another man. That was something he’d just done, not who he was.

“Well, you weren’t looking close enough,” she said. “Although I do appreciate that you defended me. You didn’t even think of doing anything else.”

Sean lowered his eyebrows and frowned. What else would someone do?

“You’ve always said other men were bad. That they didn’t deserve me.” She put a hand to her curls as if to see if they were still there. “Gosh why is this so hard to get out?”

“You don’t have to…”

“I’m afraid I won’t ever if I don’t do it now, while things are clear.” She turned to him, wanting to face him during this.

“Men have been talking all my life. In the end, anyone can pretend to be the good guy, anyone can say someone else is the bad guy.” She put up a hand. “And I know that they were behaving badly, but I assumed they just knew something you didn’t, and that’s why.”

He saw a tear well up in one eye, and then fall slowly down her cheek. He wanted to reach for her.

“I thought when you saw what they did, you would be the same. I didn’t want you to see that. I wanted you to always act the way you do.”

Sean nodded, but couldn’t resist reaching out slowly to gently catch the tear on her cheek and lift it away.

“So I thought if we just stayed friends, we’d be safe. I’d be safe.” She wiped her cheek where he’d brushed. “But then you were going to move on, and I broke. I told you everything. Everything they all seemed to know.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Yeah but, the main thing is, it didn’t change how you treated me. You still came tonight, you still saved me, like you always do.”

He nodded.

“I’m just realizing I don’t want to wait any longer.”

“Wait any longer for what?”

“To tell you that I think you’re amazing. That I want to try to be with you, but I’m scared. But I want to try, if you can be patient with me.”

He looked at her, and asked her a question with a look at her lips. She nodded.

Nicole waited, her face turned to Sean’s. He leaned forward and placed his hand behind her head. He moved in slowly, watching her. She was expecting to just enjoy the pressure, the softness. They fit together perfectly, warm. A warmth that seemed to spread all the way to her fingers and toes, as the rhythm of his kiss drowned out the sound of the ocean. He reached up and put his hand on her neck to pull her closer, used his other hand to wrap her waist. Everywhere he touched felt electrified. She’d never guessed kissing could be like this. She could feel promises and love swirling between them, as if her feelings and his had risen up to meet each other. As if ten years of loving could overflow in one kiss.

He pulled back, held her face, looked into her eyes.

“But all I did was beat up a dude,” Sean said.

She laughed and bent forward. “That’s not it and you know it.” She looked down at her hands. “You know that’s not it, right?”

“I know,” he said. “I’m not really sure what exactly it is. But I know I’ve helped you, and I know you love me.”

“Yes. I love you and I just realized I’m more likely to grow healthier by being with a healthy guy than by waiting till I can see the jerks better. Besides, you can see them for me now.”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “I’m pretty good at that, aren’t I?” He sat up, smirked, and folded his arms on his chest. Nicole looked at the muscles there and wanted to get grabby again. She wanted him, though it was foreign, a type of want she’d never felt, a forever want.

“I’m glad I brought Ben tonight, though it was just to make you jealous.”

Sean’s eyebrows shot up like someone had pulled them with a string. “To make me jealous?”

“Yup,” she said, reaching for one of his hands. She lifted it into her lap and ran her fingers along his palm. Then up his arm.

He stiffened, then relaxed and exhaled. “But,” he said, “I thought you didn’t see me like that.”

“Gosh, you’re dense,” she said. “Stop fishing for compliments.”

“Oh I’m sorry, I guess I thought ten years of rejection would end with a bit more groveling.” He laughed and looked to the side with a long sigh. She laughed and tackled him back into the sand.

“You’re right,” she said. “I guess after all this time you deserve a little more.” And she kissed him again, reveling in the way she didn’t feel herself leaving her body in her mind, like she usually did when kissing. She was here with him. She was safe. She pressed into him, wishing they could somehow meld together, because it still wouldn’t be close enough.

He rolled them over until they lay side by side, and looked into her eyes.

“So what does this mean for us?” he said. “It’s not that I’m not happy, it’s just that I don’t want you reacting in a rush, just out of stress.”

“It’s not rushed,” she said, putting a hand to his cheek and realizing she’d been waiting to do that for too long. “I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s not. I guess it’s like the glass is removed, and I finally get to be in the candy shop with the other kids.”

He smiled. “And I’m the candy?”

“I guess,” she said.

He pulled her closer, and she fell in between his knees in the sand, looking up at him. Then his hand came gently up behind her head, and the other cradled her cheek and he pulled her up. He kissed her cheek, then her neck, then her mouth.

So this was what she’d been missing her whole life. She could feel the cool sea breeze dampening their clothing and the ground around them. At the same time she felt encapsulated, as if all of their love and all of their emotions were swirling within the two of them and building an unbreakable wall around them. Finally he pulled back, looked down at her.

“I’ve been waiting so long Nicole. But I don’t understand this completely.”

“I know,” she said. “I don’t think we have to have it all figured out yet.”

He frowned. “Don’t get my hopes up if you aren’t serious. You know I’m already having stupid thoughts about marriage right now.”

“I’m serious.” She laughed and kissed his cheek. “You know,” she said, running a hand through his curls, “I didn’t know if I’d ever be healthy enough for you. I thought maybe you’d move on to someone else. But I did always hope I could at least have someone like you.”

He pulled her close, wrapped her tight in his arms.

“I’m glad you get me instead,” he said. “Nicole, I love you. So much.”

“I love you too,” she said. “So much.”

Silence fell over the moment. Nicole turned to face the sea, pulling Sean’s arms around her like a blanket. She knew that the morning would come soon enough. She knew that things wouldn’t be perfect. She had so much more to teach him about herself, and she had more to learn about him. But maybe they had a lifetime for that.