To Be With You (16 page)

She scooted to the side and then moved to the couch. She looked out the window to the beach and wondered if she would be fine going for a walk or if she was feeling self-destructive enough that she’d be tempted to take a swim without proper safety precautions. She scratched at her inner forearms, hating the pain inside and wondering what the best method of inflicting pain on the outside to distract from it was.

But she couldn’t imagine facing Sean with bandages on her wrists, hiding the cutting like she did as a teenager. She also hadn’t felt this stirred up since then. What was it her shrink had said? Because what happened involved love, and relationships, she’d feel it a lot more when she was getting involved, or starting to love. She put her hands over her face, remembering the conversation. It had seemed so hateful, so unfair, that just when she would approach something healthy and wonderful, she would be stopped by pain and mental issues because of something that wasn’t her fault.

Maybe it was her fault. She hadn’t told Sean, she hadn’t told anyone, except her aunt, and only a little at first. It was still going when she was thirteen, and she didn’t feel that her thirteen-year-old self really had any excuse to still be hiding it.

She felt cold hands on her arms and sliminess below her waist and saw dark eyes staring into hers, saying ‘you liked it, you know you liked it.’

No. No she didn’t. She jumped off the couch, rubbing at her limbs as if she could brush off the past and its muckiness. She felt shaky, worried.

She walked to her bedroom, where she felt safest. She plopped on the bed and hoped she could fall asleep for a nap before more thoughts of unpleasant things overtook her. Sometimes her body was just so stressed she could pass out. She felt herself drift into darkness and sighed, relieved.

Sean watched the door slam, then opened his door and slammed it, nearly catching his own foot. He angrily pushed the keys to start the Jeep. She wanted him gone, he’d be gone. He’d never be able to do the right thing for her, it seemed. He’d never be good enough, no matter how patient, how accepting he tried to be. And she’d had the nerve to throw Ben in his face. After telling him she didn’t even really trust Ben. She’d just been trying to hurt him, and by golly it had worked. She’d have to come back to him this time, if she wanted their friendship back.

By the time he was back to the dojang, anger had faded into shame, and he pressed his forehead to the steering wheel. He hit it with his fist a few times, drew a deep breath, and walked back into the dojang, feeling a million times smaller than the last time he had entered. Then he’d had her by his side, interested in his life. Trusting him. Could she really be the damaged one, when his world was such a small, dark place without her?

S
tephen came around the counter and handed a beer to his friend, Ben, who sat on a stool with one leg bent up on a rung and the other hanging down straight.

“A black chick?” Stephen said, pushing brown hair out of his eyes.

“Yup,” Ben said. “Maybe not all black though, she’s not very dark.”

“Mmm,” Stephen said. “Milk chocolate.”

“You’re so racist,” Ben said, taking a stool next to him and taking a drink from his own beer. “I’m excited about this girl,” he said. “There’s something weak about her. Vulnerable.”

“Hm,” Stephen said.

“Oh, and you know the funniest part?” Ben said, clinking his bottle on the counter. “She’s got this guy friend. He’s totally in love with her.”

“Really?” Stephen said. “What chick doesn’t? What’s so funny about that?”

“Oh, I just think it’s hilarious that this guy would have treated her like a princess, but she passed over him for me.”

“Yikes,” Stephen said.

“She deserves it. Nice guys finish last. Remember our dads?”

“Yeah,” Stephen said, wishing he didn’t. Wishing he knew how to be a better man than that. Someone like Master Peterson, or Mister Sean, at the dojang.

“So I’m just teaching her a lesson. Maybe I’ll chase her right back into his arms.” Ben chuckled. “What’s left of her.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Look, Ben,” Stephen said, pushing his bottle away from him and facing Ben seriously. “We need to talk.”

Ben gave him that vacant, neutral stare that Stephen hated. Sometimes his friend could be the life of the party and the coolest guy he knew. And then other times, he could be a real monster. And that’s when he had this vacant face, when his blue eyes looked robotic and gray, and his face looked pale and lifeless. It made Stephen feel cold, like he’d been doused by ocean spray. He didn’t know exactly what had happened in Ben’s childhood to mess him up, but it must have been a doozy.

“This next girl,” he said. “You can’t treat her like the others.”

“What do you mean?” Ben asked, tone still eerily neutral, like he was betting in poker.

Stephen wasn’t afraid of him though. He’d beat Ben up if it ever came to that, because Ben hated fighting anything up to his strength or higher. Ben had taken a break after the last chick ended up in the hospital, or so Stephen had heard. It was the first Stephen had heard of Ben hurting someone for real. Stephen couldn’t figure it out. He didn’t want to.

“If you hurt this new girl. If you hit her … ” Stephen didn’t look Ben in the eye while delivering the blow. “I can’t associate with you.”

Ben drew in a long breath. His fingers squeaked against the bottle, then shattered it on the floor.

“Hey!” Stephen said, jumping off his stool and away from the glass.

Ben glared, walked over, put his arms on the counter to either side of Stephen, and stared into him with those empty blue eyes. “I didn’t hit anyone,” he said. “I thought you were my friend.”

“I am, Ben, but you can’t do that. You’re going to end up in jail.”

“So a little slut is going to be believed over me? My best friend?”

“Ben, there’s never a reason to hit a chick.”

“Screw it!” Ben hit the counter hard, and Stephen could swear he heard something pop or crack, whether it was the counter or Ben’s hands or knuckles. “Everyone believes the sluts. A good man can’t ever get ahead.”

Ben pushed away and headed for the door. “This is why they all have to be punished,” he said.

Stephen couldn’t hear anymore. Ben was practically foaming. He strode to him, lifted him by the collar and threw him to the ground.

“Look Ben, I’ve always protected you,” he said. “You were messed as a kid.” He planted his foot firmly on Ben’s chest, so Ben couldn’t wriggle away, even furious as he was.

“You think you can judge me—”

“But I would never have kept quiet if I thought you would actually hurt a person.” Stephen rubbed his hand over his face.

“Like you can judge me,” Ben said, trying to push his foot aside. “You’ve humped and dumped enough yourself.”

“Well I’ve been trying to change. I’ve been trying to accept myself. You’re just getting worse.”

“Screw you!”

“No, screw you!” Stephen said. “I don’t know what happened with the last girl, but I thought you were done. And then you found this new girl, and I thought it was different. But the way you’re talking about her, like you’re going to hurt her.”

“I’m not,” Ben said. “She’ll like it. She’s the type that wants it.”

“No,” Stephen said. “I find out you’re planning to hurt her, I’ll call the police.”

“Get off me,” Ben said.

Stephen lifted his foot. “Get out of my house,” he said. “I hope you’ll think about this. I’m the only friend you have left.”

“Yeah right.” Ben opened the door.

“I know you’ll be back,” Stephen said. The door slammed. “You always come back.” Stephen started to pick up the broken pieces of glass on the floor.

The door opened. “Oh, and you know what? You’ll be telling me I did the world a favor when I’m done, because maybe then her little Sean friend will finally score one for the good guy’s team. That should make you happy right? You were always bitter about that. And now look what a loser you are.”

The barbs hit and Stephen accidentally cut himself on the glass he was picking up.

“He’s even a Tae Kwon Do freak, like you’re turning into.” Ben laughed. “The nerd even runs a dojang or something.”

Sean. Tae Kwon Do. Mister Sean, Stephen thought, rushing to the door, but Ben had already slammed it. By the time he’d gotten it open, Ben was gone.

Stephen stood for a long moment. He paced to the phone. He would call the dojang. But how could he tell Mister Sean without telling him how he knew? What would his teacher think of him for associating with a person like that?

Stephen plodded over to his bedroom, found his TKD bag, and looked at it for a while. He’d been taught to do the honorable thing, and for once in his life he would. He picked up the bag and headed for the dojang.

Sean was annoyed when Stephen walked through the door a half hour late for class.

The guy nearly stumbled over the doorstep and dropped his bag by the cubbies. He scanned the dojang frantically. When he located Sean, he blinked, looking nervous.

Sean was glad he often came across as being in his thirties when he was in his gi rather than twenty-four. The guy almost looked too afraid to approach him, which Sean was grateful for, since he was in the middle of a class. Still, Stephen waved him over, and then came to the mat.

Sean folded his arms. “I’m in the middle of a class.”

“Mister Sean, I need to talk to you.”

“We can talk after class. Do you know how disrespectful you’re being right now?”

“I know,” Stephen said. “It’s about Nicole.”

Sean called Amy over and gave her the exercises to continue for the class. Stephen followed Sean over to the desk.

“What about Nicole?” Sean asked. “Wait, how do you even know who she is?”

Stephen flinched.

“I’m sorry,” Sean said. “I’ve had a bad couple of days. I didn’t mean to sound angry.”

“That’s okay,” Stephen said, staring at the floor. “Look, I don’t know how to say this, but she might be in trouble.”

“Not really my problem.” Sean’s eyebrows drew down. “She’s dating someone already.” But he couldn’t help caring. “Anyway what do you mean?”

“That’s the problem. She’s dating one of my friends.”

“Really? You know Ben. I hope he’s a good guy. But this really isn’t my business Stephen. Nicole can do what she wants.”

“He’s … ” Stephen didn’t know how to say it. He toyed with his hair until Sean cleared his throat. “He’s not a good guy. Maybe he used to be. But he’s not now.”

“Explain,” Sean said, wiping sweat from his forehead with his belt.

So Stephen did. By the time he’d finished, Sean felt nauseous.

“Thank you Stephen,” he said. “I’m sorry personal business had to taint your experience here at the dojang.”

Stephen shrugged. “I’m sorry I interrupted class. Thought you would want to know.”

“I know how hard it must have been to come to me,” Sean stood, extended his hand to shake it. “Geez, I was a jerk.”

“A bit, yeah.” Stephen took it, laughing.

“I hope this won’t affect your attendance,” Sean said. “I think you have a lot of talent. You’ll keep coming?”

“And paying?” Stephen said. “Sure.”

Sean shoved him a bit, but laughed. “Great.” He pointed over to Amy. “Now go jump in class.”

Stephen nodded and headed to the bathroom to change. Sean sat back in silence, watching the classes. He’d never felt so stuck in his life. He had no right to this information, no idea if it was true, and nothing he could do about it if it was. Of course he’d love an excuse to tell Nicole that the guy she’d picked was a loser. But she’d already asked him to stop doing that. Why did she keep picking these guys? He knew why, but he still couldn’t reconcile that something as unfair as abuse in the first place could leave such a horrible blind spot for a person. He sighed. He needed to stop clenching his hands before he bled.

A few days ago he would have been in a position to say something to Nicole, but now? She hated him and with good reason. He hadn’t called since the day she’d slammed the door on him. He’d been waiting for her to come back, which may have been a mistake. If he said something now, she’d just accuse him of being jealous. Which he was.

He wished there was a way to check the guy out. Maybe Stephen was reacting to nothing. Then it came to him. A way to see Nicole again in a safe environment, a way to check out Ben, and an excuse to apologize, all in one. He packed up and grabbed the phone to call Nate to cover his classes. He texted Nicole, “I’m coming over.”

And didn’t wait for a reply before starting the Jeep and heading to her place.

Nicole wasn’t used to Sean in his gi. He’d stormed in, covered in sweat, waving his arms and babbling, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he’d always been this attractive.

“You want me to what?” she said, folding her arms.

“Just come back to the club for one night and bring Ben. You can see Justin and the others, and we can check out Ben for you.”

“I thought you were sick of taking care of me.” She sat back against the couch.

“We both said things we didn’t mean, Nicole,” Sean said. “You know I didn’t mean that.”

“That doesn’t make it okay to say it,” she said. “You’ve been my friend for a long time, but that doesn’t give you the right to say whatever you want.”

“I know.” Sean put his hands up in a placating gesture. “I was in the wrong. I don’t care who is in the wrong. I know how I feel about you, and I don’t care if you acknowledge it. Even if you refuse to believe it, I care about you.”

“Why would I take a date to a host club?”

“Look, just once,” he said.

“No.” Nicole stood and paced. “That’s ridiculous. Why would I come and let you all spy on me and my dates anyway?”

“We won’t be spying,” he said.

She rolled her eyes.

“Can I get a glass of water?”

“Sure,” she said. “Glasses are over the sink.”

He turned on the water. “I’m confused as to why you’re still angry. I’ve apologized. Is it because I didn’t call?”

She knew it probably showed on her face that that was it. “You didn’t even try to set it straight.” She turned the tap to the cold position for him.