To Be With You (13 page)

S: No, just finished.

N: Great.

S: So what did you want to talk about?

N: How was your date?

S: Good, how was yours?

N: Interesting.

S: Interesting? Is that good or bad?

N: I dunno. I’m not sure I’m cut out for dating normal guys.

S: What do you mean?

N: I don’t know.

S: You seem down ;(

N: Is that a winky sad face?

S: No I meant to do a normal sad face.

N: Oh lol.

S: Yeah lame.

N: Tell me more about your date? I’d rather talk about that.

S: Not much to tell. She’s nice. Met her at the dojang. She saw me take my shirt off and that caught her attention.

N: I would imagine

S: What do you mean?

N: Just that it would be sort of attention getting.

S: Why?

N: Oh come on Sean, you know you’re a good looking guy. Stop fishing for compliments.

S: Boo, it was successful fishing too.

N: So, what’s she like?

S: I don’t know her that well yet …

N: Fine, what does she look like?

S: Like her face? Why are you so interested?

N: Like all of her. It’s like your first date, why wouldn’t I be?

S: It was not my first date. Brown hair, green eyes. Tall, thin. Maybe six feet, so I guess that might be part of why she’s interested in me.

N: Part of it, probably. That’s huge.

S: That’s kind of rude. Tall girls are cute too.

N: Is she white?

S: What does that have to do with anything?

N: I guess nothing, forget it. Is she pretty?

S: Yes. I guess you would say so. I’m not sure how you are defining that.

N: Is she prettier than me?

S: What?

N: Never mind.

S: You sure?

N: Yeah I was just being stupid.

S: She isn’t prettier than you.

N: Whew, good.

S: No one is. ;)

N: Ooh. Nice. Flattery will get you everywhere with me.

S: That wink was on purpose.

N: So she seemed interested? Do you have another date planned?

S: No.

N: What?

S: Why, was I supposed to already? I only just met her.

N: Usually you decide by the end of the date if you want another one. Poor girl doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.

S: So if you are supposed to decide by the first date if you want another one, are you going out with your date again?

N: I don’t know. He did ask though. He knows how to play the game

S: I’ll just bet he does.

N: What is that supposed to mean?

S: Nothing.

N: Do you know something about him? Are you not telling me something?

S: I was just being sarcastic. Most guys know the game, don’t they? Otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten a first date with you.

N: Maybe I should try someone who doesn’t know the game though. I think I’m tired of the game.

S: Really?

N: Yeah. I just don’t trust my judgment

S: How do you mean?

N: Like, I feel yucky about this guy. Sorry if this is TMI for you, I guess you probably don’t want to hear about my dates.

S: No I do, go on.

N: You are a good friend Sean. Better than I deserve probably

S: Anyway you were saying … ?

N: Why do you want to talk about it so bad? Trying to dodge the topic of your date?

S: Not at all. You can tell me what you want and then if you still have questions you can ask them

N: Okay. My instincts just don’t really trust him.

S: Hm.

N: I know, my instincts have failed in the past. So I’m trying to trust him, to give him a chance

S: Don’t trust him until he earns it

N: Is there a point to trust if it’s only earned?

S: Good point. Stop being tricky.

N: I can’t. It’s like I waited all day to talk to you about this, and now I feel too awkward to. I feel like I don’t have any right to.

S: I don’t know if anyone has a right to friendship; nevertheless people put up with us. I put up with you.

N: Thanks.

S: You put up with me

N: True. It’s so rough too.

S: I don’t know what you mean by that, and I’m going to ignore it.

N: Fine.

S: What is it you don’t like about this guy?

N: I just feel off about him, but truthfully, that could be a good sign.

S: How so?

N: Well I’m attracted to the wrong guys. I don’t know how much you picked up on as a kid, but you must have known things weren’t good with my stepdad.

S: Yes.

N: Well, I think that now that I’m grown up, I keep trying to find the opposite of him, but keep ending up with guys just like him. I guess a lot of people have that problem with their parents.

S: What happened with him Nicole?

N: I’m not ready to go that far yet. But just believe me when I say that I don’t trust my instincts. Anyway going to the club, meeting up with you again, has all felt like training to be attracted to the right kind of guys.

S: Sounds good to me.

N: But now I can’t tell if this guy turns me off because of my issues or because I’m more able to spot creepers now. I just know I’m not very attracted to him.

S: How so?

N: Well, he kissed me.

S: Rapscallion! Rascal!

N: I’m overreacting, huh?

S: Not necessarily. Did you want him to kiss you?

N: No.

N: But I didn’t stop him. I just froze up. I was sure you’d want me to give a nice guy a chance.

S: And is he a nice guy?

N: He’s done nothing that shows him to be otherwise.

S: That’s good, I guess.

N: You guess?

S: I don’t know. I’m not sure what to tell you

N: I know, sorry for putting this on you.

S: It’s okay. It’s just that today I realized that I’ve always been lecturing you about your taste in men and I realized today I don’t know anything about choosing a good woman.

N: Sorry.

S: It’s not your fault. I just never focused on myself. And I was always so into you that I didn’t try looking around. So I don’t feel like I have any right to lecture anymore.

N: I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time.

S: Time with you is never wasted.

N: Really?

S: I’m sorry I was so obsessed. I’ve realized how much pressure I could have taken off both of us if I’d just dated other girls and taken my own advice about improving my dating choices.

N: So I was a bad choice?

S: No! Not at all. I’m just coming to grips with the fact that you’ll never want me, and that I’m okay with that

N: You are?

S: I will be. More than anything I want to be your friend.

N: It’s not that I’ll never want you … I’m just not ready. I don’t want you waiting around for something that may never happen.

S: I think you’d like Angela.

N: I think not.

S: Why?

N: I’m kind of jealous of her.

S: What?

N: I know, it’s dumb. I’ve always had you to myself. But it’s only fair, since I’ll be going out with Ben.

S: So the jerk’s name is Ben.

N: Excuse me, jerk?

S: We’ve always called your guys jerks. Habit, sorry.

N: And I never liked it. I don’t need you making assumptions for me. I make enough on my own.

S: Sorry nick, it really just was a slip.

S: And come on, do you really expect me to be happy about this already? Being okay with you moving on, and not to me, is a work in progress.

N: It’s late, what are you doing tomorrow?

S: Not that late. Just working out.

N: Want to hang out?

S: Like a date? :)

N: No :) I can only handle one good guy at a time. They mess with my psyche.

S: Fine. I can only handle one girl at a time … because I’m bad at it

N: I can see that. Want to meet here and just go to the beach for a bit?

S: Only if you’ll let me take you to lunch. And show off with my tae kwon do on the beach.

N: Only if you’ll let me vent about Ben.

S: Groan. Jk! It’s a deal

N: See you then.

S is signed off

Nicole stood, stretched, and then pulled her nightshirt back down over her knees. She wondered if a nightshirt should even reach to her knees. No nightshirt probably would reach Angela’s, unless she had really short legs. Nicole hoped she did. Short legs and a super long torso. She wished she wasn’t pretty, and thin, and probably leggy and statuesque.

So Sean was trying to move on, huh? She didn’t know if she really wanted him to go through the effort. But it wouldn’t be fair to make him wait. If this Angela giant could make him happy, then she would accept that she was too late.

She flopped facedown on the bed and breathed into the blanket for as long as she could stand the air coming back to her face. She went to close the window, and as she did, something moved. Something silhouetted in darkness looked up at her and moved out of sight. She slammed the window down and stepped back. She looked down to make sure she’d been covered. She didn’t want to be alone anymore. She looked back at the computer, but knew Sean had signed off. She didn’t want to wake up her aunt.

She looked down at her phone, opened it, and texted. She knew when he got it he would come. Maybe the whole reason she’d lost him to Angela was because he was just a text or call away and she’d refused to let him in. Maybe it was too late to fix it now. But at least seeing him would be a reassurance that while she might have blown it for a love connection, he was still her best friend.

Sean threw on a shirt, shoved his phone in his pocket, and ran down the stairs. He took a jump over the last six and ended with a loud thud. He grabbed his jacket from the couch by the door and let the door slam behind him, unlocked.

Thunder sounded overhead as he got into his Jeep. He started it up, checked his phone, quickly texted that he was in the car on his way, and peeled out.

There were a lot of things in Nicole’s life he couldn’t fix. But some creeper in the shadows outside watching her window? He could fix that. And although he should be ashamed, he was excited that she was finally asking him for help. He stared at the clock on the radio, wishing the minutes could slow so that he would be there in less time. Two minutes, five, ten and he finally turned onto her street. He stopped the car and turned off the lights. He ran to the door and knocked quietly, in case Nicole’s aunt was asleep still, and Nicole pulled the door open almost as quickly as he could knock.

“Sorry, I left as quickly as I could.”

“It’s okay.” Her hair was pulled back by an elastic band, her eyes framed by dark circles. “It’s probably nothing. Did you see anyone?”

She peeked from behind the door, but Sean blocked her view.

“If they don’t know who lives here, it’s best to not let them see you, just in case.”

Sean looked around the side of the condo, nothing there, nor on the other side. He walked a little down the sidewalk, looked around the cars in front, and trashcans, and the sides of the other condos. He crossed the street and stepped over the barrier to the beach. He heard the front door creak open and saw Nicole in a large coat tiptoeing out.

He walked back to her, and her eyes widened, large and white in her face with an apologetic smile that turned to shock when he grabbed her behind the legs and put her over his shoulder, carried her inside, and told her to wait there. She had called him and he couldn’t look around properly if he was worried about her traipsing around in her pajamas. Just as he was about to open the door he saw her stand again in his peripheral vision.

He sighed. “There’s nothing you can do out there. You’ll just distract me. Stay in the house.”

Her shoulders rounded a bit in defeat but she kept walking towards him.

“I’ll be back in a second, I just need to check the beach.”

When she didn’t go back to the couch, but just stood there like an orphan, he walked over to her. He took a deep breath to explain once more why she couldn’t come when she put her arms around him, buried her face in his chest. He left his arms in the air, floating awkwardly as he wondered what to do.

“Don’t leave me,” she mumbled into his chest.

“What?” he said, wrapping his hands around her back, noting how much shorter she was. He was glad he wasn’t a kid anymore.

He put a hand up to stroke her hair gently. She flinched a bit at the touch but then sank back against him. “You don’t want me to leave you to go outside?”

“I don’t want you to leave me, period.”

“Should we sit down?”

She nodded, not letting go, so he put an arm around her and walked over to the couch. He sat beside her, not close enough to touch. He was trying to be careful. This Nicole was someone he hadn’t seen before. She was vulnerable, tired, and real.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m acting lame, I know.”

Sean admired how dark her eyes were in the dim living room, dark and black and going on forever when he stared into them. “You aren’t,” he said. “So tell me again, what did you see?”

“I went to close the window,” she said, rubbing her palms against the pajamas covering her legs. “And I saw someone move out of the way, into the darkness.”

“You’re sure?” he asked. “It wasn’t a cat?”

He regretted it as soon as he said it. “I’m sorry, I know you aren’t the type to overreact, go on.”

Her lips tensed and her eyes narrowed. “It wasn’t just that though. Lately, I just feel like I’m losing you. I feel like it’s all moving too fast. And then I saw someone outside, and you were all I could think about. I wanted to see you. I wanted you to protect me, and I’ve never wanted that before.”

Sean felt something well up inside him and tried to stop it. He’d been starting to distance himself from her. It was working. But her letting him protect her, her wanting that, it was making it hard not to hope for more. Caring for her made him want to protect her, and protecting her made him care more. It was a bad recipe for two people trying to stay friends.

“I know it was selfish of me to call you,” she said. “I know you’re trying to move on, and I’m not trying to ruin that.”