To Be With You (14 page)

“I know.” He nodded, wishing she did want to ruin it.

“I just didn’t know who else to ask, and I didn’t want to scare my aunt.” She laughed and leaned back against the couch with her hand in her dark curls. “I think she even has a gun in here somewhere. Can you imagine, in Cali?”

“I’m glad you texted,” he said. “I wish I could check the beach for you though.”

“I know.” She shook her head. “Don’t leave though. I’d rather you were here. Can I lean on you?”

Sean flinched, not sure that was a good idea. “Sure.” But he sat stone still.

She leaned against his arm and rested her head against his shoulder. “That feels nice.”

He didn’t say anything, too stunned that they were touching.

“Can you put your arm up?” she asked, trying to move it. He did.

As he lifted his arm she snuggled into his side, and put her hand on his chest. Oh no, Sean could feel her breasts. He hoped she wasn’t looking at his face. No, she was innocently snuggled against his side. Her face pointed down. Those weren’t breasts. He willed it to be true. He tried to think of unsexy things, like road kill. If necessary he could grab a pillow if he had to, and plop it over his lap.

He reached a hand up to her hair. She was so small and soft against him, willingly touching him, though he didn’t know why. Maybe just for comfort. Could she really only think of him as a friend? That was just unfair. She shouldn’t snuggle up like this, put her hand on his chest, if she couldn’t. But if there was any man who could deal with it, he had to admit it was probably him. He could keep his body under control because his care for her feelings and safety were more important than anything else. If he could just keep her safe, everything else would be fine.

Then her hand started to move down his to his stomach, then down further. She moved over his belt, and showed no sign of stopping there.

“Woah!” He jumped away from her and stumbled off the couch. “What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry.” She recoiled and curled into a ball on the couch. “I don’t know what happened.”

“Huh.” He backed up to the wall and eyed her suspiciously. “Why did you do that?”

“I just … ” She fidgeted. “You have a nice chest.”

“And?”

“And okay, I was having a hard time just cuddling, but you didn’t seem affected at all.”

“That didn’t give you a right to, to, well, you know. Nicole that stuff means something to me.”

“It means something to me too! It means someone just might stay with you.”

“Nicole. I’ve always stayed with you.”

“No. I feel like I’m losing you. Because I can’t give you enough. I just wanted to see if I could.” She folded her arms and sunk her face in them. “But it was wrong. I’m so sorry. See? This is why you shouldn’t be with someone like me.”

He sighed and walked forward, but stayed out of range.

“Look, you can’t do that,” he said. “We’re friends now. I don’t want that from you.”

“But you came over,” she said.

“And?”

“In the middle of the night.”

“And?”

“I don’t know. If you didn’t want that, why are you always protecting me?”

Sean felt like he had been asked why he would breathe if he didn’t want to eat cheese.

“How is coming here related to you violating me?”

“I thought you’d like it.”

“What?” he whisper shouted, so he didn’t wake her aunt, and she flinched.

“Well, I think you were getting an erection,” she said. “I thought I could help.”

He felt like he’d been stabbed. “I don’t want that kind of help,” he said. “I came here ’cause I was your friend. Not to use you like that.” He turned away from her, not wanting to let her see the anger or hurt, in case it would scare her. “How could you think I would want that? How? After everything I’ve done? After everything I’ve not done?”

Nicole flinched. “I’m sorry, okay?”

He just stared.

“I’m screwed up okay?” she said. “In my experience, when men have an erection, they expect you to do something about it. I’m trying to see you in a romantic way, but that just groups you in with everyone who has abused me. I don’t know how to deal with men like you. I just wanted you to stay with me.”

Sean’s anger dissipated. “What made you think I would leave?”

“I thought you wouldn’t stay with me unless I did something like that for you,” she said. “It’s why I don’t ask anyone for help. I don’t know why anyone would help me if it’s not to get something.”

“Nicole, that’s really sad.” He moved forward another step. “I don’t know why you’d think that. I’ve never helped you for that.”

“I just don’t understand you Sean, don’t you get it? I don’t understand nice. I don’t understand love. I understand being used. I understand that if you want people to take care of you, you have to give them what they want.” She turned to him and a tear fell down her face. “No one wants anything but sex from me.”

Sean moved forward, wanting to comfort, to help, but she put up her hands and turned into the couch.

“No, you already rejected me,” she said. “You hated it. You were right to hate it. I’m dirty and I’ll only fit with someone like me.” She held herself with her arms.

“I overreacted. I didn’t understand. Nicole, I want to understand.”

“Everyone since my stepdad. He should have cared for me,” she said, and the tears fell faster. “He was only kind after sex. He’d hold my face then, he’d call me good then. We’d lay there and I’d feel safe and those moments were the only ones where the world was right.” She pulled her hair. “But I know now that was wrong. I know it was wrong, but it was love to me, and now I don’t know how to love.”

Sean wished he could go smash the man’s face. Kill him. But that wouldn’t help her now.

“Nicole.” He approached slowly, trying to look gentle. She looked like a stray that would rather be put down than adopted by another monster or someone who would abandon her again. “Can I come over to you?”

She nodded, silently crying.

“Nicole. I will stay with you,” he said, sitting down beside her. “I will show you that people can stay with you. That they don’t need anything in return.”

“It’s not true!” she said, pushing him away. “You wanted more than I can give, and you moved on to someone else when I couldn’t give it.”

“I thought you wanted someone else,” he said. “I didn’t want to burden you.”

“I don’t know what I want,” she said. “I feel like I’m only just figuring it out. You’re pushing me up so hard against my issues I can’t see straight. My shrink always said this would happen, that the closer I got to a loving relationship, the more things would come out to bite me.”

He nodded.

“I just know I can’t lose you as a friend,” she said. “You’re all I have.”

“Not true,” he said. “You have other people that love you.”

“You’re the only one who stays, but hasn’t taken more,” she said. “Please don’t ever leave me.”

She put her hands on his arms and looked up to his face. When she moved in as if to kiss him, he pushed her away again, gently but firmly.

“No,” he said. “I do want to be with you, but not like this. Not like you are trying to buy my friendship. If you want me to stay, I’ll tell you what I want.”

“What is it?” she asked, eyes wide.

“Stay here,” he said, lifting his arm up and coaxing her towards him. He ran a hand over her hair, tucking strays away from her face. “Let me hold you as long as you need it, just as a friend. Let me be different from the other men, just tonight.” She started to cry again and he pulled her in against his side, tucked her there and let the wetness spread across his shirt. Let her cry about her stepdad, let her cry about him, let her scream and pound his leg, till she fell asleep.

Sean moved her from his lap to the couch, then stood so that he could situate her across the entire length of it. She looked peaceful, though her face was still puffy and streaked with glistening tear tracks. He thought he could watch her sleep all night.

He hadn’t known how much pain she was in. He hadn’t known so many things. He’d guessed what had happened, but he hadn’t guessed the fallout.

He moved to sit on the floor beside her, trying to decide what to do next. He should probably leave so that her aunt didn’t freak out in the morning. But Nicole had major abandonment issues and he didn’t want to leave her and invalidate everything he had said.

At the very least he should get her to bed. He slid his arms under her knees and shoulders, amazed that she was still sleeping through all of this, and lifted her up. She didn’t weigh much to him, but he was tired from the adrenaline flood and the night’s emotional intensity. He turned his body so that he could fit her between the wall and the banister. Was his stairway this narrow too? He guessed you wouldn’t really think of it usually if you weren’t carrying someone. He moved in the direction she seemed to come from when she came down the stairs, and nudged the only door open gently with his foot. He set her down on the bed.

He sat on the edge of the bed. She lay sprawled with one arm above her head and the other on her stomach, her hair in tendrils around her. He wanted to touch her. Not that he would. Now he realized more than ever that that was not what she needed from him. More than anything she just needed a friend, someone to show her it wasn’t all about sex.

Well he could do that. Still the problem remained that she was asleep, and it wasn’t appropriate to stay. His Jeep was still parked outside the house. He could sleep there. He went over to her desk and found a post-it note and pen and wrote her a note. He left the house satisfied.

N
icole woke up slowly as the rays of the sun poured in and warmed her to an uncomfortable sweatiness. She felt hung over, as if she’d been drunk the night before. She looked down to see she was fully clothed, and the night’s events slowly started filling her mind, like puzzle pieces coming together to make a picture. Oh no.

She threw herself down on the cover beside her, face burning, a sick feeling spreading from her stomach to her heart and her throat. She felt like she could throw up, if she had actually eaten the night before.

She could remember so well now. How big his arms had been, how muscular he’d been. She tried to forget. She had no right to notice how nice he smelled coming in from the night. Or how safe she felt under his arm. But what happened after was worse.

She’d almost groped him. She’d let him know everything. She’d gone completely insane. No wonder he was gone. He’d probably never want to talk to her again. She turned over on her back and heard paper crumple. She rolled off a little pink post-it note.

“Nicole. Hope you slept well. I just put you on your bed. I’m outside in the Jeep. Didn’t want to wake Aunt.”

She felt the color drain out of her face. She looked to the window, saw the Jeep outside, and froze. She leaned forward, rubbed her eyes, and tried to remember more details. How would he ever look at her the same? She didn’t want to go down and face him, but knew that she couldn’t just leave him there.

She went to the window. He slept in the Jeep, hunched over his arms on the steering wheel, completely gone. She went to her closet to find new clothes, and while she was pulling a sweatshirt over her hair, heard a knock on the bedroom door that startled her.

“Who is it?” she called out.

“Mary. Can I come in?”

“I’m changing,” Nicole said. Then she started to brush her teeth. “What is it?”

“Did something happen last night?”

“Why?”

“Because I heard voices,” Mary said quietly from the other side of the door. “One was a man. You sounded upset but not enough for me to get out of bed and interfere. Was I wrong?”

Nicole put down her toothbrush and went to the door. She pulled it open and hugged her aunt. “Come on in. You did the right thing, I handled it.” Nicole sat with her aunt on the bed. “I’m sorry if I woke you, that wasn’t considerate.”

“Thanks.” Mary looked at her with wary eyes and Nicole knew there was something else bothering her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well.” The corner of her aunt’s mouth twitched. “There’s a Jeep outside; it’s been there all night.”

Nicole frowned and took a breath, trying to figure out what to say.

“And there’s a guy in it, your friend from the other day. He’s been sleeping out there all night.” Mary raised an eyebrow at her. “So what’s going on here?”

Nicole was silent for a moment, distracted by a tender feeling that rose whenever she thought that he had slept there for her all night. He hadn’t left even when it should have been obvious that it was okay to. She looked at the window while she answered her aunt.

“I had one of my nights.”

“I’m sorry,” Mary said. “And he was here?”

Nicole nodded, but still didn’t face her. The words hurt, and she didn’t want to look weak or draw pity. “I told him everything. I cried. And I poured out my issues like someone with no control.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing honey, relying on someone. How did he react?”

Nicole thought back for a minute. “He was wonderful. He let me cry till I feel asleep. He’s out in the car because of my abandonment issues. I can’t believe he waited outside all night.” She turned back to her aunt and shrugged. She couldn’t understand it.

Mary smiled at Nicole’s confusion. “From what I know of him, he’s kind of been waiting outside your whole life. Oh, what a man.”

“You barely know him.” Nicole picked up one of her decorative pillows and threw it at her aunt. “But yeah, what a man.” And what did one do with such a man?

Mary sighed. “I don’t have to know him.” When Nicole raised an eyebrow at her, she continued, “I mean, meeting him validated what I had already thought. But honestly, Nicole. I saw that little boy sitting on the curb when I came to pick you up for the first time. I knew right then he was in love with you.”

“How did you know that?”

“Because he was with you. Because he chose you.”

“Well I kind of chose him,” Nicole said, letting her aunt touch her. She had gotten used to it. She had come to see that this might have been what a mother would have been like, or even any parent that hadn’t been so far in the wrong. But it was still hard sometimes, still painful sometimes, to even believe that her aunt didn’t have it in for her sexually. And that made her feel bizarrely broken. But when she did feel fearful, she overcame it relatively quickly now, was able to tell reality from the past more quickly and more often.