This Regret (48 page)

Then Kade had to jumble up my emotions even more with his comment the other day.
He's the one that left, not me.
I can't seem to stop thinking about what he meant by that. Was he trying to point out that he thinks Kellan is responsible for the drugs? I don't want to believe that for one second, but it's not looking good on his part, as long as he has secrets.

". . .
you know?" Jen's voice breaks me out of my trance, causing me to look up. "He's really something else, Phoenix."

I'm such a bad friend for not paying attention, but I can't help it. Even if I tried, my mind is just
0somewhere else. "Sure," I mumble, closing my eyes and leaning my head back. I just want to fall asleep and not think anymore. I haven't been able to sleep for crap.

Huffing, Jen shoves my leg and sits down next to me. "Okay. I've had enough of this. Tell me what is going on. You have been moping around for the last two days and you called off from work today. You never call off from work. You haven't missed a day in over two years, darlin'. If you wanted to keep whatever is wrong with you a secret, you
could have chosen a way that is a little less obvious, don’t you think?"

I slowly, but loudly, let out my breath, showing her, I don't want to talk about it. "It's nothing I need to bother you with. You have your own problems and Jax to worry about," I remind her. "Please don't worry about me. You finally got a little bit of freedom from being worried and stressed, you need to enjoy the break."

"Oh, I am so worrying about my best friend. Don't you dare talk me out of it, got it? You had your moment of stubbornness when I asked you to leave and you refused. Now it's my turn." She turns and faces me, grabs my arm and pulls so my head is resting on her lap. "Now tell your big sister what's wrong before I strangle you. You know you can’t hide anything from me. I don’t know why you even try." She smiles that Jen smile, lightening the mood.

I should have known it would come down to this; her mothering me like always and me, caving in. She always was the mother hen. I kick my flip flops off and lay my back flat on the cushion of the swing. They are so worn that I can feel the wooden slats pressing into my back. Throwing my legs over the armrest of the swing, I let the sunshine beam down on my face and prepare to bare my soul. "I had a huge fight with Kellan the other day and left, telling him I never wanted to see or talk to him again. I half expected him to come after me, but he didn't. I haven't talked to
him since and it hurts. I’ve never felt this way before. I love him, Jen. I don't know what to do. I feel . . . lost . . . empty . . . dead."

Jen squeezes my shoulder and rubs her hand over my forehead, combing her fingers through my hair. "Oh, honey. If you love him that much, then I'm sure it's nothing you can't fix. Did you ever stop and think that maybe he wanted to come after you but was afraid of getting hurt? You know how men are. They can't take having their egos crushed by a woman. They are weaker than us." She smirks. "Kellan is one of the good ones. You and I both have always known that. You can't let someone you have loved for over ten years just slip through your fingers. You have to be the bigger person. I'm sure he's waiting on you as we speak. I thought you were more headstrong than to just give up so easily."

She really doesn't know Kellan like I do. The old Kellan would have come after me. He wouldn't have just let me walk out the door. He would have held my ass down and sat on me until I gave in. Not that I wanted it to quite play out that way, but him at least trying would have been nice. "Jen, I told him to tell me one simple thing and he couldn't even be honest with me. How can I just get past that? If he cared about me at all, he would have been straight forward with me. He wasn't, so I walked; plain and simple." A tear falls down my face, but I quickly catch it before it can hit her lap. "I can't get past that, Jen. I just can't."

I can feel the muscles in her legs flexing underneath my head as she swings us back and forth. Placing her right arm over the back of the swing and rubbing my hair with the other, she stops. “Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way, but what kind of fairy tale are you living in? You can’t just walk away when things get tough. Love is about give and take. I repeat. Give. And. Take. At least you have someone that is willing to give and not just take. You have to choose your battles Phoenix. You know I love you, but you need to think about what you’re doing before you do it. Sometimes when you walk away, there is no turning back. Even if you regret it after the fact.”

We swing in silence as I take in the information that just came from her mouth. I should have known something wise was going to exit those lips. It always does. She always helps me see the error of my ways when I can’t. That’s why I love her. One thing bothers me though. What if it is too late? Can I live with that forever? Is this one incident really worth being miserable forever?

She sits me up and grabs my shoulders, looking me in the eyes. I can barely even keep eye contact with her as I strive to focus on not crying at the same time. It's too much work and frankly, I'm just too exhausted to give a damn. "I'm not even going to ask what it was about because I have a feeling you would tell me if you wanted to. What I do know, is that he's always wanted nothing more than to protect you. He would never hurt you on purpose. That man has loved you for a long time. Back then, it was a different kind of love, but still, he loved you nonetheless. I can't see him keeping anything from you, unless he was trying to protect you. I don't want to see you miserably in love with a man that you're not even going to try with. I saw the way you looked at him that day at the company picnic. What you didn't notice, was how he looked at you and nobody else. You both had it bad and didn't even know it. Kade knew it. I knew it. You two didn't. Maybe you should just trust that he has your best interest at heart and allow yourself to be happy."

"Look at what I had with Nate. Some girls aren't as lucky as you. If I ever get lucky enough to find what you have with Kellan, you would have to shoot me dead to keep me from trying. I would never let an argument keep me away and you shouldn't either. Love is hard Phoenix. It’s not always easy like you see in fairy tales. You have to take the good with the bad; the scary with the excitement. If you love him, trust him. If not than you need to set him free, but don’t leave him if you can’t let him go. Think about that one."

What the hell has is wrong with me?
I just stare at her like she has grown a second head right before me. I’m letting it all sink in.

"But . . .” I look towards the road, grabbing my chest as a motorcycle passes by. Excitement, hope, then sadness washes through me as I see an older man with leather and a white beard going about his business on his Harley.

"See!" Jen jumps up. "You have it bad. You better go see him. You never know when it's going to be too late."

I swallow hard, knowing that she's right. I can't take it anymore; I have to go see him. I can't leave things how we did. I will never be able to function right, knowing that Kellan thinks I hate him. I love him too much to let him think otherwise. He has enough pain to bear already. I can’t be the one to add to it. "Okay," I whisper. "I'll go see him. I'm just so scared. What if he doesn’t want me back? What if he changed his mind?"

She shakes her head. "There's nothing to be scared about. You know none of those things are going to happen. I think deep down you’re scared he's going to pull you into his arms and love you. You should be happy. I want that."

Her eyes sparkle and I see a hint of a smile in them. "Is Tyler going to be that for you?" I walk over to the steps, but stop to hear her answer.

Her face turns red and she bites her bottom lip. "I don't know, darling. That’s a question that doesn’t have an answer. We talk every day, but we haven't even kissed. I can't really tell if there will even be an,
us,
yet. As much as I’d like to, I can't say. I’m still working on my issues since Nate, and I think he has a little bit of darkness buried away deep inside. We are still feeling each other out, but I wouldn’t mind if it happened someday. He shines a little bit of light into the last few years of my darkness. He’s sexy and good and he cares about Jax.” Her eyes get a little dreamy as she says the last sentence before she mumbles, “So damn good." She waves her arms to scoot me along. "Jax should be waking up now, so I'm going to make him lunch. Call me later, yeah?"

I grin. "I hate you sometimes, but love you so damn much."

"Yeah, love ya too." She lifts an eyebrow and smiles. "Now get the hell off my porch." We both laugh at that and she disappears inside, leaving me nervous as all hell.

Well, here goes nothing.

* * *

I'm not sure where to start, so I start at his house. I'm so nervous, that I barely make it to the door without tripping over my own feet. It’s a wonder I’m not dying or turning blue from my lack of breathing. It's so quiet at the door, that I'm pretty positive before I even knock that he's not even home. I knock anyways. I knock, one, two, three times, but no answer. A part of me is relieved as I walk back over to my car. I'm not so sure I'm prepared to be alone with him right now. Maybe the shop would be a better place to talk.

Right as I'm about to open the car to get inside, I look up and spot two of the three men that were at the bar the other night. They're down the street, sitting on the bumper of an old beat up car, looking right at me as if I'm the most interesting thing they've seen all week. I don't get it.
Who the hell are these creeps? Do they live over here?
This is a nice neighborhood and I can't see them living here without someone wanting to call the police on them daily. They are far too rough looking to be considered harmless and just the thought of them makes my skin crawl.

Ignoring them, I jump into my car, slamming the door behind me. They're the last thing I want to worry about at the moment. I pull out of the driveway and head over to the shop. If he's not there, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be today. To be honest, I haven't got a clue what I'm even going to say to him anyways. I'm winging it and I plan on sounding like a total idiot. I always have when it comes to him.

Pulling up to the front of
Adi's Attic
, I shift my car into park and shut off the engine. I sit there for a few minutes, staring over at the brick building, my heart breaking for poor Adric each time I read the sign. Being here makes my chest ache, remembering mine and Kellan's conversation from the other night, but I swallow the pain and step out into the warm sunny day, making my way to the door.

Just as I open the door, Tyler stands and looks at me as if he’s been expecting me and then over to Kellan's station, which is now occupied by some guy in his late thirties, giving some young female a tattoo. There is
a sadness in Tyler’s eyes I’ve never seen before. I follow his eyes to the station that is Kellan’s and realize his stuff is gone, now replaced by this guy’s.

Somehow, seeing that, tells me right away that something's not right. That is where Kellan should be. Not this guy.
Who the hell is this guy in Kellan's place?
"Tyler," I demand. "Tell me what's going on." My voice shakes, but I don't care who notices.

Walking toward me, Tyler pulls me over to the door and places both his hands on my shoulders, trying his best not to make eye contact. He looks like he’s in pain.
Why does he look sad?
"I have a message for you." He stops and pulls something out of his pocket. "I'm sorry."

I start to panic. I feel like I'm going to puke on his shoes.
Oh no! I can't puke on his shoes; it will only remind me of Kellan.
"What? A message. What kind of message?" He holds out a key and I grab it, examining it in my hand. "Tell me what's going on, Tyler. What's this?"

His eyes finally meet mine, a sadness overpowering them. "I don't want to have to give you this message. Fuck!" He rubs a hand over his face and looks away for a minute before turning back to meet my gaze. "He's gone, Phoenix."

I shake my head.
No! Not again.

"He left two days ago. This . . .” he opens my hand with the key in it, "Is a spare key to his house. You need to look in the closet for his guitar. He said he left a message for only you to see. He hid it inside. I don’t know what it says, but he made it sound important. Just do it, Okay?"

I grip onto his arms, probably digging my nails into his skin, but he doesn't seem to care. "He's gone," I whisper. I look up at him. "Are you sure? Maybe he hasn't left. I have to go."

He yells after me, as I let go of him and reach for the door. "You won't find him! It's too . . .”

His voice trails off as I let the door close behind me. I know I'm being stupid. I was just at his house. Of course he's not there or he would have answered. Maybe he was in the shower or maybe he was sleeping. I need some kind of hope, even if it is just a little. He can't be gone. Not again.

I pull my car up to his house and jump out, barely having time to throw it into park. I'm surprised my brain could function enough to even do that. Squeezing the key in my hand, I feel my palm starting to hurt, but I only close tighter, welcoming any kind of distraction.

I run up the steps, open the door to the porch and shove the key into the lock. I turn it slowly, not wanting to alert Rayne and have her think someone's trying to break in. The last thing I need is to have her take a chunk out of my butt on the way to find Kellan; although, maybe the pain would be enough to overpower this emotional torture. If not, then I don't know what is.