This Regret (50 page)

The next three days I spent in the comfort of my bed, staring at the old man’s silver necklace. It’s a long dainty chain with a silver inscribed locket. The back reads
My dearest Allison.
At first I couldn’t open it because I felt like I was invading some kind of unspoken privacy, but the old man and his daughter have been the only other thing on my mind besides Kellan. I wish I could just shut my mind off, but it’s impossible so I finally opened it. On one side is a picture of a little girl around the age of five, smiling big with her two front teeth missing. On the opposite side was the same girl at the age of about eighteen. It must have been a senior portrait. She was beautiful and the man was right; she does resemble me. I cried some more on top of everything else.
Is it too much to ask for some happiness in all this sadness?

With Zoe staying at her friend's house for the week, it's been just my mother and I. She's been moping around on the couch while I've been holed up in this room, closed off from the world I want nothing to do with at the moment.

The only good thing that's happened over the last week is that my mother has managed to slow down on her drinking and has become more responsive than I have seen her since she's moved in. It seems she’s a few years too late, but I guess better late than never. I know I should be making an effort to talk to her, but I'm in no shape to communicate with anyone but the ceiling. We have a good thing going. I just talk and it just listens. No thinking required. It doesn't judge me or the shell I'm living in. Right now, I just want to be alone.

The next morning, I wake up to Zoe standing above me with a disgusted look on her face as she takes me in. She plops down on the end of the messy bed and tosses her notebook down beside her. I cover my face with the blankets in my sorry attempt of an escape. "What the hell died in your bed?"

Yanking the covers back, Zoe's nose twitches as she tosses the blankets off the bed and into a pile, probably giving me a clue to wash them. "This room smells like sweat and feet. Maybe even a dead animal. When was the last time you got out of bed? You better not be turning into mom. I need you, Phoenix. I leave for a week and this is what I come back to."

I run my fingers through my hair realizing just how greasy and gross it feels. It’s stuck to my head and slightly matted. I make myself sick. I can only imagine how Zoe views me at the moment. Lying here in Kellan's shirt I'd stolen, boxer shorts and ratty hair with raccoon eyes and I thought our mother was the weak one. At least with her, she tried to stick it out and stayed married for over twenty-eight years. I did this to myself. I am the one that walked out on the most important person to me. What did I have to show for it besides a few crazy nights of sex and me longing over a guy for over ten years? She has great reason to feel as shitty as she does. Me . . . I'm just pathetic; trying to hold onto something that was never truly was mine to begin with.

"Zoe, I don't feel good, okay?" I grab my pillow and smash it over my face in an attempt to drown out her whiny voice. I don't like her seeing me like this. "Don't you have things to go do? I'm sure it's a nice day out. Just let me rest for one more day."

I feel the pillow being pried from my fingers and I fight as hard as I can against her firm grip, but it's no use. I haven't even eaten since my head hit the pillow. Nothing sounds appetizing, not even chicken. I've only gotten up to use the bathroom and not by choice. Yes, I'm gross. Three days without any food or a shower. The only nutrients I’ve had is bottled water I've piled up next to my bed. I'm weak and I stink. Even I know that.
Maybe I should have just drowned myself in the bottles of water.

"Dammit, Phoenix! Something's wrong with you. I stopped by
Spinner's
the other day and Jen told me you've taken the last few days off of work. She wouldn't tell me why. A friend of mine, Micah, wanted to take me out to lunch so I asked him to take me to your work so he could meet you." Her tiny hands shove me. "Talk to me, please. You’re scaring me."

She frowns as I place my hands over my face to hide the tears that are now falling. I've gone one whole week without crying; just walking around completely numb to my feelings. Knowing that I disappoint even my little sister hurts like hell. I never want to disappoint her. "I'm sorry, Zoe. I really want to meet your friend someday; just not now," I whisper. "Please don't be mad. I just can't right now. I can't."

I feel her arms come around my neck before her face presses against the top of my head. "It's okay, I'm not mad. I don't like to see you like this. You're the strong one, remember? Whatever happened will be okay. I'm not stupid; I know you're not sick. You never get sick and when you do you always fight your way to work no matter who you have to karate chop to get there. You're the strong one." She keeps saying it as if she’s trying to remind not only me but herself as well.

I sit there silently, not wanting to admit that she's right. I'm not sick and the whole world knows it. I'm the fifteen year old Phoenix all over again. That devastated little girl that couldn't handle life and manage without my boys by my side. I can only hide for so long before I start hurting the people around me.
I'm not Kellan, I don't want to hurt the ones I love.

There's hesitation before she says, "I hate to ask you this right now, but where is Kellan?" I hear a smile in her voice and a little hope. "I have something to show him."

She pulls away waiting for an answer, but I don't want to give one. Just the sound of his name is enough to make me want to puke. It feels as if I've just been punched in the stomach and I can't catch my breath. This is exactly why I've been avoiding people. So I can avoid the mention of his name around town. I don’t want to have to answer questions. It’s like ripping open an old wound. The scar is still there and will always be, but you don’t want to have to tell the story of how it got there over and over.

"He's gone," I whisper, my face moist with fresh tears, I can't seem to stop.

Standing up, Zoe grabs her notebook and clutches it to her chest. She looks worried and she should be. "What do you mean, he's gone?"

I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, squeezing. I stare down at the bed to avoid her questioning gaze. "He's never coming back, Zoe. He took off
again.
"

I peek up at her and she quickly turns away as if she's just figured out why I'm such a mess. She looks almost angry . . . disappointed. "Yeah, well you better get yourself out of bed and get back to the real world. Don't be like mother. People are always going to disappoint you, Phoenix. You only give them the power if you let it change your life." She stomps toward the door and tosses her notebook in the trash before giving me a saddened look. "You're not the only that needed him, you know."

The door slams closed behind her and I just sit there, staring at it as if I expect her to come back in and tell me what she meant. She doesn't, of course.

Needing something to get me out of this slump, I walk over to the trash and dig out her notebook. I know what she and Kellan were working on and I'm curious to see just how far she's taken it. What I find in it, surprises me. There is not only one, but four poems written out.

I find myself flipping to the front and reading the beauty of her words, them making me teary-eyed. It doesn't take long before I smile a real smile for the first time since losing Kellan and finding myself in that old man's yard. Maybe I'm not as lost as I thought. I can't go on this way anymore. There are people that need me. Zoe needs me.

Lifting Kellan’s shirt, I run my fingers over the beautiful peacock and feel happiness mixed with sadness. Happiness knowing I have a piece of Adric with me and sadness, knowing I also have a piece of Kellan. The only piece left of them both. I need to be strong, not only for Zoe, but for Adric.

* * *

It's now been twelve days since Kellan left town and I've been finding myself more active with the outside world. Just the other day, I took my mom and Zoe out to dinner and then we stopped by Adric's grave. It was the first time that we've all gone together. I've never seen my mom cry or laugh so much. We sat around for hours sharing stories with Zoe and she was surprised to see how much her and Adric were alike. Being there with them made me happy and made me realize just how much I'd been missing over the years by going by myself. We felt like a family for the first time in forever.

Then, just yesterday, Jen invited me over to have dinner with her, Jax and Tyler. I have to admit, it was cute seeing them together. If I didn't know any better, I would think Tyler was Jax's dad. He is so good with him. They are so natural together and I can tell Jax loves him. I know Jen and Tyler have a thing for each other, but neither of them seem to want to tell the other. The way Tyler looked at Jen made even my heart skip a beat. That boy has it bad, but I have a feeling he's trying to be as respectful as possible, knowing what Jen's been through over the years. I don't blame him. He's smart for taking it slow and I hope they end up together.

I've been hearing from Kade more and more as the days go on, him wanting me to come to his apartment or meet him at the bar, but I can't. I just don't feel right, knowing what Kade wants from me, so I'm trying to keep my distance and things completely platonic. Even though he says he's happy Kellan finally left, I can see a sadness in his eyes when he thinks I'm not paying attention. I haven't seen or spoken to Nancy since Kellan left, but Kade said she's devastated. I think she keeps to herself a lot. Her son has left again; I can only imagine it hurts for her a hell of a lot more than it does for me. I want to talk to Nancy about it, but I have no idea what to say. No one but Kellan knows that I've told him I love him. Kade and Jen only know so much. I'm not ready to tell anyone else yet. It's something I'll just keep to myself for now.

* * *

Today makes two weeks exactly since Kellan has left. It's taken me a while to make this decision, but as I weave my way through the path of trees, I find myself getting nervous as I get closer and closer to the secret spot that we played at as children. Eight years is long enough. It's time I stop pushing my feelings deep in the banks of my memory and remember the good times just like Kellan said. Adric needs to be remembered instead of shunned away no matter how much it hurts. Maybe the pain would heal if I would let it go instead of harboring it deep inside.

The smell of fresh summer air, leaves and grass hit me hard, making my eyes water. I used to love the smell and I would hang out here for hours just breathing it all in. After the day Kade found me here, I promised myself I'd never come back. I told myself this was our place and if we couldn't all be here to share it, then I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. I was weak. I don't want to be weak anymore. I need to stand on my own.

As soon as the yellow tree house comes into view, a pain aches in my chest. I grab it, taking a deep breath. A mixture of emotions flood through me: sadness, happiness, anxiousness. I don't know how I feel, honestly. I almost feel like running, but my feet feel heavy as if they're stuck in wet cement.
I need to do this. It's been long enough.

The old worn out rope ladder that dangles at the front, swings side by side catching my attention as I keep walking, getting closer. There's no wind. It's a calm day and I can't help but to think someone has been here recently. I let hope overpower any rational thoughts, thinking maybe Kellan ha
s been here. Maybe just maybe . . . he didn't leave after all. I haven't been back to his house because I've been too chicken shit to face it.
Is it possible he's been home the whole time?
I never did get the chance to apologize. That could explain him being here without calling me.

I find myself taking quick steps to get closer to the tree house. My legs are shaking so bad I can hardly keep my balance, but I refuse to give in. Hell, if it involves seeing Kellan, I'd crawl there. Everything around me blurs as my attention focuses on the ladder, still swaying as if someone has just pushed it. My adrenaline pumps as I keep on my mission.

I'm standing right in front of it now. Frozen and unable to make my next move. I feel like a total idiot, but I say it anyways, "Kellan."

I hear movement coming from inside the tree-house and my heart starts beating so rapidly, it feels as if it's going to fly right out of my chest. I want to see who's in there so badly, but I'm scared. I'm so scared of what I may or may not find.

A pair of silver sandals attached to a set of long, tan legs step up to the open door, crushing any hopes of it being who I thought it was. My heart takes a crash landing at my feet, breaking all over again. My eyes trail up to see a baby blue dress plastered to a set of slender curves, leading up to the beautiful face I saw at the bar the other night. Her burgundy hair is pulled into a side braid and her exotic green eyes lock on my gray ones.

A small smile forms on her face when she takes notice of me standing below her. "It's just me," she says sweetly. Her eyes stare into mine as if she's trying to remember something in them. "My
name is River Holland, I was . . .um." She pauses to swallow.

"A friend of Adric's," I point out before she can answer. I grab onto the rope suddenly feeling weak.
How did she know to come here?
We never took anyone here. She must have been really important to him or Kellan. I clear my throat and force a smile. "I remember you from the bar. You ran away."