This Regret (49 page)

I slowly open the door and say Kellan's name, to give quick warning before entering. When there's no answer, I shut the door behind me and call his name again; still no answer and no sign of Rayne. The house is a total wreck with things broken all around, even the TV.

My heart starts pounding as I walk through every room in the house, expecting to see Kellan pop up out of nowhere, telling me this is some kind of joke. After searching every room but his, I take a long deep breath before entering his bedroom.

That too, is empty. Leaning against the door, I let it close behind me as I start to cry.
He's gone. He's really gone. Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I just stay like he asked when I had the chance?
Grabbing the closest thing to me, I throw it across the room, choking back a sob. After panting for a moment, I grab some kind of candle or something and toss that too, along with a few other items.

Through blurred vision, I can hardly see, but my hand stops frozen on a picture frame as I grip it in my hands. There's no glass in it, as if it's already been broken once and the glass never replaced. I wipe at my eyes frantically while trying to focus my attention on the two boys in front of me. It's a picture of Kellan and Adric by the pool. Kellan has Adric in a headlock, Adric struggling to look at the camera and they both appear to be laughing.

The tears come even harder now as I take in their beautiful smiles. They looked so happy.
Why couldn't things stay that way? Nothing will ever be the same. Now, I've lost them both, again.

After staring at the picture for a while, I pull myself together enough to look in the closest for Adric's old guitar. I find it hiding in the back, behind some unpacked boxes that Kellan must have not needed enough to unpack. As I pick it up, and pull it to me, I hear what sounds like something rattling inside of it. Taking a deep breath and holding it, I reach inside the guitar and pull out a piece of paper. I hold it up with trembling hands and read it, my heart racing with adrenaline.

I had to leave, but know I would stay with you forever if I had a choice. I didn't, so I'm gone. I’m sorry we had to say goodbye the way we did. It wasn’t the way I had intended. None of this was. Just know that I have done some things I’m not proud of and in turn can’t be with you. It's in your best interest, trust me. I want you to take the key Tyler gave you and stay at my place as long as you want; it's yours. Sorry it's a mess. I let my anger get the best of me. You, your mom and Zoe can live here. It's already paid for. One thing you have to know is, letting you walk out that door was the hardest thing, besides losing Adric, I've ever had to deal with. Losing Adric was my biggest regret and losing you is my second. Don't live your life in regret. You're the greatest thing
that's ever happened to Adric, Zoe and myself. Stay strong and keep Adric's things safe. I’m giving them to you. What I'm about to say is the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do aside from leaving you. Forget about me and move on. Don't waste your time on something I could have never given you in the first place. You deserve the world and I could never give that to you as much as I wish I could. It’s time to face my demons now. Goodbye.

xx Kellan Haze xx

I drop the letter and fall to my knees, with my hand pressed to my mouth. The sobs choke out of me as I grip the carpet, fighting to catch my breath. He's never coming back. I ran him off, just like I knew would happen.
I did this. I fucking did this!

Somehow feeling as if to call him will bring him back, I fish my phone out of my pocket and scroll through my contacts, stopping on his name. I tap the screen and place the phone to my ear, but it doesn't ring. The number has been disconnected. My one and only hope in ever talking to Kellan again is gone, with something as simple as a damn disconnected number, just as the time before when he left. The familiar feeling leaves me feeling sick and helpless.

I need to get out of here. I need to breathe.
I'm not even sure of where I'm going until I pull up behind the tattoo shop, shutting off my car.

Numbly, I climb out of my car. I have Adric’s guitar strapped around m
y neck, hanging down my back as I walk over to the rusted up ladder that Kellan had taken me up before. I stare at it, my vision blurring as I take a step forward and grip the bar with one hand. It feels rough against my skin, reminding me that I'm alone with no one to catch me. My whole body shakes and I look up the ladder that seems so high from where I stand. My eyes blur as I step onto the first rung.

Without letting my fear become too strong and break me, I climb up as steady as I can. I can’t see with all the tears blurring my vision and halfway up the ladder my foot slips. I begin to panic and cry harder as I hold on by only my two hands. I’m scared. Trying not to look down, I finally get my foot back on the rung of the ladder and continue upward until I get close to the top of the building before climbing over the top. Breathing heavily with watery eyes, I let the tears fall at the realization I could have fallen. It’s not so simple without Kellan here guiding me. My heart is racing so fast, it feels as if I've just run a marathon. A flood of relief runs through me and I’m thankful that I made it to the top without plummeting to my death. That would be a horrible way to go. I had to come here. There was no other option. This is all of Kellan I have left. Our spot.

Looking around, I notice the blanket sitting off toward the back in the same spot it had been before. My heart stops and my breath catches in my throat as the overwhelming feeling of the memories on that blanket come to mind. That was the first night I felt as if Kellan saw me as a woman and not just as Adric's sister. The moment I thought we could be something more. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I walk over to it and sit with the guitar in my lap.

I sit there for hours, leaning against the wall crying, my tears soaking the top of my shirt, numb to the world. An empty shell of myself longing for the one thing I'll never have as mine. The one and only thing I've wanted since the first day I laid eyes on Kellan: his love.

I hear my phone go off a few times, but I silence it not wanting to talk to anyone. I can't. I can barely even breathe right now. In this moment, I just want to remember being here with Kellan. This was the first place
of his he brought me to and I'll never forget the way my heart rattled in my chest as he helped me up to the top. I was terrified, yet felt so safe having him next to me.

No one had ever made me feel so safe in my life. Not even Adric. That thought scares the shit out of me. Kellan is irreplaceable. I knew it eight years ago and I know it now. He is it for me; the one that can break me or
make me. He is the one I’d rather die than to live without. My one and only, and now, he's gone. He's gone forever.

It's getting darker now, and realizing it's probably time to get going, I stand up, but stop when I hear something from across the street. It must be the old man again. My curiosity gets the best of me. Kellan used to spend time watching this old man. It makes me want to watch also.

Surprisingly, I find myself walking over to the edge of the building and peeking down and across the street. The old man is pacing back and forth in the grass, with his hands moving anxiously at his sides as if he's in a panic. He starts to talk so I lean in closer to see what he's saying, while trying my best to keep steady. Suddenly, all my fear is gone, me focusing on this one man below me. The one that has no one; alone.

"I can't, Mary. I can't go yet. I haven't seen her," he cries. "It's not time. It's not time. Stop it. Don’t make me feel guilty. You know I have to see her first."

He looks angry for a second and then drops to his knees with his hands to his chest. "No! Not yet," he chokes out. “Don’t do this to me!”

Oh crap!
I think he's having a heart attack. I've never had to help anyone before, so it’s hard to focus through the fear. I fumble with my phone, call 911 and rush down the ladder as quickly as possible while holding my breath. I run across the street while yelling the address into the phone. Once I get face to face with the old man, I drop to my knees in front of him and grab his hand.

"I called 911. They're on the way. Just hold on. They will get you the help you need." Tears stream down my face as the man struggles to look up at me. "Hold on, please."

He looks up at me. That’s when my heart stops. When he reaches out, touches my face and whispers, "Allison. You've come for me." A tear trickles down his wrinkled face and his lips tremble as he speaks as best as he can being short of breath. "My Allison . . . I knew you’d come." He smiles. "I knew I'd see you again." He looks up to the sky. "See, Mary. I told you she’d come. She’s as beautiful as I imagined she would be. Isn’t she, Mary?”

I find my body jerking as my cries spill out, turning to sobs. The man falls into my arms and I catch him, in an attempt to hold him up, but I can't. He's too heavy. "Help me!" I scream. "Someone, please!" My cries come out harder as the man goes completely limp in my arms. His lifeless body falling over, next to us in the grass.
"Oh God, no! Please no. Someone . . . anyone! Help!"

I jump to my feet and run across the street, ignoring traffic. The car honks and slams on
its brakes as I pass, halting it with my hand. "Tyler! I need you! Please!"

The door to the shop bursts open to Tyler. Without hesitation he runs to me and throws his arms around me. "Are you okay?" He pulls away to look at me and I shake my head. "What's wrong?"

I try to talk, but I can't. All I can do is point.

Tyler notices the man
lying in the yard and runs across the street screaming, "Call 911!"

I follow behind him and kneel down beside him. "I already did. They're on the way. I don't think he's breathing."

Tyler grabs his wrist and starts checking for a pulse. "There's a pulse, but it's not very strong."

Red and blue lights come into view as a police car followed by an ambulance pulls up in front of the house.

Tyler and I back out of the way as two men jump out of the ambulance carrying a stretcher.

"What's his condition?" One of the men barks out.

"I think he had a heart attack, but he still has a pulse," I cry. "I don't know. I don't know!" I’m in a full on panic, worried about the old man.

Tyler pulls me into his arms and I watch over his shoulder as they put the old man on the stretcher. I can't watch anymore, so I turn away and squeeze my eyes shut. That poor man was alone, just like Adric had been. No one should have to be alone in their last moments of life.
Everyone should have someone.

I drop down to my knees and Tyler drops down with me, rubbing his hands over my hair. "He was alone," I cry. "I should have been there."

I cry, not knowing who I'm crying over. All I know is that I feel broken. I am broken. I’m shattered. I don’t like death. It’s a terrible thing for everyone involved. The ones that have to witness it and the loved ones left behind to cope.

"You did what you could," Tyler soothes me. "It's okay. I got you."

The loud voices around us suddenly die down after about five minutes and someone jumps out of the back of the ambulance and walks over to where Tyler and I are sitting. We both stand up.

The man looks to be in his early twenties, handsome with black hair and blue eyes. He gives me a weak smile and then clears his throat. "Allison, your father didn't make it. His heart finally gave out on him. His cancer has gotten too far out of control and his time was any minute. He stopped forgoing treatment a while ago." He looks at me and my heart stops. "He's been waiting on you for a while. Every time we've come to take him to the hospital, he's always smiled and said he's not going anywhere before seeing his Allison again." A tear runs down the man’s face. "Thanks for coming back. He's been suffering for a long time. It was his time to go home."

I shake my head as he places a necklace in my hands. "He wanted me to give this to you."

I cry so hard I can barely breathe. "No!" I shake my head some more and hold out my hand. "I'm not Allison. Who is Allison? There’s been some kind of
mix up."

The man smiles and grabs my shoulder. "Allison was his daughter. She died five years ago in a car accident on the way here, but his dementia was already too far advanced for him to understand. He’s always thought she was still on the way. He's waited all this time to see her again." He looks me in the eye. "You are his Allison now. You gave him what he wanted. You look a lot like her. She was beautiful." He looks as if he's about to break down before he turns away.

It hits me right then and there. Allison was his Kellan. "Was she the love of your life?" I call out to his retreating form.

He stops but doesn't turn around. "She still is and always will be." He takes a step then turns around. "Thank you," he whispers. Then he walks away jumping into the ambulance.

I clutch the necklace to my chest and fall into Tyler's arms, crying over things that even I can't understand. My heart hurts so much. I'm so confused.

I'm so lost. I need Kellan . . .

Chapter Twenty-Three

Phoenix

The ceiling . . . it's such an ugly shade of brown, yet I've been lying in bed staring at it for the last three days, dead inside. Void of any emotions. It's been a week since I've found out Kellan is gone. You know how they say time heals all wounds? Well that’s a crock of shit. It doesn’t heal anything. You just bleed out slowly from a puncture wound in the center of your heart. I spent the first four days moping around work, messing up orders and pissing off customers; my passion for being a good employee dead along with my heart. How do you continue living normally when your reason for living has disappeared? Dale finally got tired of the complaints and sent me home until I sort my shit out.
Oh Dale . . . can’t have anything that’s bad for business.