This Regret (35 page)

He slides the helmet from his head, pushes his thick hair from his face, looks at me, and kills the engine. It takes a minute for my brain to connect with my body, but when it does, I scramble to my feet, gripping the towel and lean against the door.

After days of no communication, he just shows up out of nowhere at six in the morning, looking sexy as can be. It confuses the crap out of me and almost makes me want to hit him for getting my emotions all haywire. He’s the only one who does that to me.

“Kellan,” I say in surprise, looking him over as he steps onto the porch. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” I can’t help but to think something must be wrong. Like maybe, this is goodbye. Maybe he’s already all packed up and ready to get back to his old life. I don’t want that and it breaks my heart. “What’s the backpack for?”
Please don’t say you’re leaving. Not yet.

His eyes meet mine and keep their hold as he reaches around and grabs his backpack, pulling it off. “I couldn’t sleep.” He unzips the backpack and pulls out some pizza crust. “I thought maybe you’d want to cook breakfast with me.” He smiles and slides his fingers through the top loop, holding it up in front of me. “I brought all your favorite toppings. You have to say yes now.”

I can’t help the blush that creeps over my face, staining my cheeks red. I can’t believe he remembered. It was so long ago. Once when I was fourteen, he caught me in the kitchen at six in the morning making a pizza. I thought he was going to laugh, but instead he jumped up on the counter and helped me put the toppings on. Then we ate it together and sat around talking for hours until everyone else finally woke up and broke up the fun. That day, I fell more in love with him than I already had been. Now, he’s going to make me fall again, but harder this time and I’m afraid I might break something that will never fully recover. Now that I’ve had a taste of what it’s like to be in those arms, I’m screwed. How can I ever get past that?

I smile and lower my
eyes to my towel, noticing my right thigh is almost fully exposed and when I look up, I see his eyes have lowered to my towel as well. The hooded look in his eyes sends a surge of excitement through me. I have to fight the urge to reach out, press my lips against his, and slide his hand under my towel to feel his touch again.
Damn, this sucks.
I have to play it cool though. “I could go for a pizza. You better have some bacon in that bag,” I threaten. “And chicken.”

His eyes light up as he takes a step forward and places his hand under my chin. He brings my eyes up to meet his smolder
ing ones. They’re so beautiful, my soul aches. “I know what you like and trust me . . . I have it,” he says huskily. He runs his fingers up the flap of the towel that is barely covering my thigh and smiles. “Now come on and stop trying to seduce me. You’ll still get the pizza either way.”

I reach out with both hands and shove his stiff chest. “Shut up, smart ass. Who says I would ever try to seduce you?
The
Kellan Haze that every girl loves.”

He smirks, obviously amused by my answer, holds the door open for me to walk in, and then he follows in suit behind me. His eyes flick over to the couch, then my new bed on the floor but he doesn’t say anything. He just looks over at me and grabs my hand, pulling me into the kitchen.

He sets the backpack down on the counter, grabs me by the hips, picks me up, and sets me down next to the backpack. “This time I’ll do the messy part and you can just toss the toppings on like I did.” His hands linger on my waist, making my insides go mad. I look down at his arms, causing him to be aware of where his hands are still holding me. He lets go and grabs the backpack, unzipping it the rest of the way.

“Sure,” I breathe. I can’t help but stare at the way the muscles in his arm flex every time he pulls something out of the bag.
Damn, why must he be so delicious?
“I think I can manage that.” I grab the bottom of the towel between my fingers, while still watching him. “Shouldn’t I get dressed first?”

“Nah, stay like that.” He sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and starts removing the wrapper from the crust. “I like you this way. Natural is sexy as hell on you.” He smirks, leans in close to my neck and whispers, “And you smell like cupcakes. You know how much I love cupcakes.”

Mmm . . . that mouth of his
! It’s been nothing but torture over the years. I should hate him for it, but I don’t. I can’t. “So, it
was
always you sneaking the last cupcake? I kind of figured. Kellan always gets what he wants,” I tease.

He lets out an agitated laugh and grips
the counter. “If that were true . . .” He turns to look me in the eye and the intensity makes my leg quiver. “Then I would have you, Phoenix.”

I sit there, not saying a thing, as I look him in the eye. I don’t know what to say. How does a girl respond to such a thing without sounding too desperate? Hell, what am I saying? I think I am desperate. “And if you wanted me, Kella
n . . . I would be yours.”

He drops the bag of shredded cheese on the counter and walks over to stand between my legs. His hands grip my thighs and he pulls me to him with desperation. His eyes meet mine for a split second before his face is brushing against my neck, his breath warm against my cool skin. His touch chills me to the bone. I can hear him breathing in my scent as he runs his nose along my skin, stopping just under my ear. “It’s not that simple. Trust me. You deserve much more than I can give you.” His hands reach up to wrap in the back of my hair. His shoulders flex as his fist tightens. “I’m no good for you.” He kisses my neck, his lips lingering for a moment. “No good for anyone.” He brushes his lip ring up the front of my neck, teasing me, before kissing my chin and then my forehead. “Now let me give you something I am good for. Let me cook you breakfast. I think I’m pretty damn good at that.”

This man is driving me mad. Why does he have to tease me? Can’t he see just how unfair this is to me? I’m a grown woman now. I can make my own decision.

Placing my hands on his chest, I push him away so I can get a good look at his face. “I think I can be the judge of whether or not you’re good for me. How do you know what’s good for me? I’m not a child anymore, Kellan. I’m a woman now and trust me, I want you.”

His eyes become dark as he stares at me, his jaw clenching tightly. He doesn’t say a thing. He just stands there looking into my eyes. After a moment, he finally speaks. “On second thought . . . maybe you should get dressed. I’ll go ahead and start the pizza.”

He turns so his back is facing me and runs his hands over his face, blowing out his breath. I grind my jaw, jump off the counter and leave the kitchen feeling like an ass. What must I do to get through to him? Whack him upside the head with a sign that says ‘take me, I’m yours,’ because if that’s what he wants, then I’ll run and grab my favorite markers and draw that shit up right now. I’m losing my grip here.

By the time I am dressed and walking back into the kitchen, he has most of the pizza already put together. The sauce, the cheese and the ham. He smiles and steps away from the counter. “I left your favorite part for you.”

“Okay.” I walk over to the pizza, reach for the bag of bacon, and sprinkle a crap load on top before reaching for the bag of shredded chicken and adding that on top as well. He definitely knows me better than any other man ever could.

I get a whiff of the deliciousness in front of me and suddenly, I am starving. “This smells so good right now.”

“Does it?” He smiles. “’Cause all I can smell is fucking cupcakes.” He grabs the pizza from my hand and shoves it into the oven.
At least I didn’t hide my phone there last night. That would be embarrassing.
“What are you doing today?”

Why? Are you going to volunteer to hang out with me? That would be fan-fucking-tastic.
I run my fingers through my messy hair and shake my head, hoping not to look too desperate. “Nothing really. Well, actually. I did sort of have something in mind.” I look up, reading his expression.

“Oh yeah. What’s that?” He looks nervous now as if he’s afraid of my answer. He swallows hard and runs a hand through his hair. “Does it involve that Aiden guy? He seems boring if you ask me. I’m much more fun.” He grins while shoving a handful of cheese in his mouth.
“Trust me on that.”

“Not exactly, I was planning on-”

Zoe appears in the doorway and clears her throat to get our attention. “Are you serious? It’s early as crap.” She sniffs the air while stretching her arms above her head and squinting. “Is that pizza I smell?” she asks with a confusing but hopeful look.

“Yeah, smells amazing, right?” Kellan picks up a piece of chicken and tosses it at Zoe’s shoulder, making her smile. “Do you have something for me yet?”

Zoe’s eyes go wide as she rubs her hands together. “Oh yeah! You’re damn straight I do.” Bending down, she grabs the piece of chicken from the floor and pops
it into her mouth, chewing. “Mmm . . . that is pretty good. I’ll be right back.” She takes off running out of the kitchen with a huge smile.

All right, then. It’s a good thing I mopped
. Now that, is definitely one thing she got from Adric. That boy would eat anything no matter where it’d been.

A few minutes later, Zoe rushes back into the kitchen with a piece of paper. She holds it out to Kellan. “If you laugh, I will kick you where it counts. I’ve spent the last four days putting this crap together.”

She shoves it into his chest, and he grabs it nodding at her. “Writing a poem isn’t easy
.
I would never laugh, Zoe.”

Zoe plasters on a smile. “I don’t know about that. After you hear what you have to do for me, you might laugh.” She holds her thumb and index finger a couple inches apart. “Maybe just a little bit. Or at least Phoenix might get a laugh out of this. I know I will.”

“Is there something I should know about?” I look at them questionably. “First you hid secrets with Adric and now my little sister. When do I ever get to get in on these little secrets?”

Kellan nudges me in the side and lifts a brow. “I already let you
in on a secret. A huge secret, remember?” He winks and turns back to face Zoe, which is now giving me an odd look. I’m pretty sure she just put
that
together. “Read it aloud and like I said, I’ll do anything you tell me to.”

Kellan
holds his hand out with the paper between his fingers and Zoe hesitates shortly, but then grabs it. “You really expect me to read it to you both now?”

With his arms crossed over his chest, he nods and leans against the counter. “It will feel good to read it to someone or if you’d rather, you can always sing it. I bet you like to sing, right? Your brother loved singing. It was his passion.”

Zoe’s eyes wander over to me and I see something in there I’ve never seen before. Hope. She clears her throat and looks back over at Kellan. “It’s a poem so I’m not sure how good it will sound with me singing it, but I’ll give it a shot. I sound pretty decent in the shower, I guess.”

My stomach knots up in anticipation as I wait for her voice to fill the kitchen, and when it does, my heart breaks. She has just as much passion in her powerful voice as Adric did. I had no idea she could even sing.

“
Is there a place to hide so no one knows, these feelings that are about to show?

The ones that run so deep within me, the ones I don’t want anyone to see.

To run, to hide from everyone, so I don’t have to face a single one.

All you did was feed me lies, and told me things to make me cry.

To you I came with an open heart, and all you did was break my world apart.

I gave you all I had in me, but you were too blind to even see.

I was looking for love, but what I found was hate. I thought you would change, but it was too late to wait.

I was already too sad, and most of the time even mad.

To finally be happy I learned I had to leave, and find true feelings I could actually believe.”

By the time she finishes, I have tears running down my cheeks. I never knew she felt so deeply about anything and hearing these words make me sad. Someone hurt her and I know it doesn’t feel good. It never does.

Kellan walks over, grabs the paper from her hand and pulls her in for a hug. He rocks her back and forth and squeezes her tight as if she touched a special place in his heart. “That was better than I could have hoped for. Adric would’ve been so proud of you.” He pulls away and looks her in the eye. “Don’t ever let anyone bring you down and don’t ever stop believing you can do anything you wan
t. You have to be stronger than . . .”

His words trail off and he quickly replaces his emotions with a smile. “Let me take a look at this.” He shakes the paper in the air. “I need to be sure you spelled everything right before you think you’re sending me off to do something crazy.”
He quickly scans the paper and then looks over at me sporting a proud grin. “Alright, tail. You messed up one word, but I’ll let that slip this time. Next time I’m here I want you to fix that word and present me with a new poem. If we have a deal, tell me what it’ll be.”

She taps her finger against her chin and jumps up onto the table. She looks proud and that makes my heart swell. This could really help her. “How do you feel about nipples?” She grins deviously.