This Regret (34 page)

Kade and I both just stand there and watch, stunned speechless from the pained expression on Kellan’s face. He looks as if his best friend has just died. It may not be fresh, but the pain clearly still is, like when someone rips open an old wound.

“Kellan, that was amazing,” I say, swallowing back my wild emotions. “I had no idea you could sing like that.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t total shit, I guess,” Kade mumbles. “It still wasn’t as good as Adric, but it’s a shit ton better than that howling you used to do when we were kids.”

I expect Kellan to flip out and give Kade a piece of his mind, but instead, he smiles and takes a seat at the bar. “Oh, I still howl. My howling’s just gotten better.” He looks up at Kade with a look of confidence. “Most women don’t complain.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and start wiping down the bar to keep busy. The last thing I want to think about is him with other women.

* * *

Come closing time, Kellan sticks around to help, even though Kade is trying everything he can to get rid of him. Finally, Kade just gives up and decides to keep his distance on the other side of the bar. Kellan is a hard one to get rid of if he doesn’t want to leave. He’s always been that way.

Just when we’re about to turn off the lights and lock up, Kade tosses his phone down in front of him and runs his tongue over his teeth. “Well, I’m sure you two can manage to finish up here. You don’t need me. I have to get going.” He gives Kellan a stone cold look as if he doesn’t trust him being here, before swiping up his phone, glancing over at me and heading out the door without another word.

I look over at Kellan briefly before making my way over to turn off the lights. “Thanks for sticking around.” I switch off the last light and lean against the wall. “And thanks for playing on stage for us. It was . . .”

He slowly walks toward me, his
eyes watching my lips. “What?” he whispers. “What was it? Tell me.”

I look into his eyes as he stops right in front of me and grabs my hips, running his hands up my body. Why can’t I seem to breathe when he touches me? I’m going to pass out like a damned teenage girl. “It was beautiful, powerful and absolutely stunning. It was all of those things
and more.”

He smiles, flashing me those sexy dimples before spreading my legs with his knee and pressing his thigh between my legs. Then he presses his body against mine and runs his hands up my arms before cupping my face in his hands. “So are you.” He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and then releases it. “I haven’t stopped thinking about touching you. You’re doing something to me that I
don’t understand. I think I want you.” He pauses to run his tongue up my lips. “But I feel like I can’t have you. Like I shouldn’t have you.”

“Why can’t you,” I ask in a whisper. “Why shouldn’t you?” I want answers. I need answers.

He runs his finger over my lips, breathing heavily before both of his hands slam into the wall so his arms are on either sides of my waist. His breath is on my lips, teasing me. His stiffness is pressed against my belly and all I want do is scream for him to take me again, here and now.
Please take me!

He speaks against my lips, giving me goose bumps. “Because of mistakes I’ve made. Because of who I a
m now. The worst part of it is . . . I don’t want anyone else to have you but me.” He bites his bottom lip before sucking the ring into his mouth. He looks torn, as if he has much more to say but knows he shouldn’t. “Let me walk you to your car. I have somewhere important to go. Is that okay, Phoenix?”

Catching my breath, I nod my head and let him lead me outside and to my car. He places his hand on the small of my back and opens the door for me to get in. “Remember, if you need anything,” his eyes wander over every inch of my face as if he’s trying to memorize it, “Call me, okay? Goodnight.”

I nod my head. “Yeah, Kellan. I will.” I smile as he backs up and closes the door for me. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

I sit in the parking lot for a good ten minutes after Kellan’s truck is gone. I finally find the courage to head to my next destination. It’s technically not Adric’s birthday anymore, but we always celebrated it on the sixth because six was Adric’s favorite number. He was weird like that, but I loved him for it.

I make my way through the dark and over to his headstone. Before I even get there, I can already see the flowers that my mother and Zoe must have brought earlier in the day. They are beautiful and almost make me want to cry. The truth is, Adric never wanted anything for his birthday. Every time I would ask him what to get him, he would say, “Just get me some new pencils for my drawings. Those damn things always break on me,” and I would laugh and pull a pencil from out of my back pocket because I already knew without asking, what he would say.

I kneel down in front of his headstone and place one hand on the ground between my knees and the other against the marble. “Happy birthday. Well, sort of. I miss you even though I just talked to you the other day.” A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe at it with my free hand. “Strange, huh? I guess you already heard, but Kellan told me some pretty funny stuff the last time I was here. I haven’t laughed
like that in years. Not since . . . you left me. I miss those days. Isn't it funny how we take advantage of it until we no longer have the option to have it anymore?”

I reach in my back pocket and pull out a single pencil, just as I used to back when he was alive to accept them. “I brought you a gift. I thought you might be able to use it up there. I’m sure you’re probably still breaking those pencils. You were always so rough and careless with them.”

I get ready to place the pencil next to the flowers, when I notice there’s already one there. I throw my hand over my mouth and start to bawl. I know exactly who it’s from and suddenly I just can’t hold it in any longer. I feel as if I’m being ripped apart from the inside and my lungs have burst into flames.

Dropping the pencil next to the one Kellan brought, I lay my head on the ground and close my eyes. “This kills me, Adi. I just wish I could hear your laugh again while you sit there sketching and making fun of me. Those sketches were absolutely beautiful. I wish I could find one of a Peacock, drawn by you. I think I’m finally going to get it done. My first tattoo. I just wish it were a part of you somehow. I’m going to ask Kellan to do it. I know he’ll do as good of a job as you would have. I trust that with all my heart. He’s just as passionate as you were. We both miss you.”

My mind plays through the night. “Kellan sang for you tonight, but I'm sure you heard him. You'd be proud of him, Adi. I just wish I could take the pain away from him. He really loved you. This girl came into the bar tonight. She was beautiful but didn't look familiar. She knew you though. I wish she would have stayed. She looked like she was in pain too. It makes me wonder just how many people still suffer from your absence. I thought I was the only one after this long, but I guess I was wrong.”

I hug the ground and lay there until I can barely keep my eyes open. That's when I finally call it a night. A person can only handle so much in a day.

Chapter Seventeen

Phoenix

I pull the blanket back, sit up and look behind me at the couch. The house is almost completely dark, but somehow I can still manage to see the silhouette of my mother’s hand dangling off the couch, with the neck of the bottle to her poison in her clutch. As my eyes come into focus, I can see her more clearly. One leg is draped over the cushion, her foot brushing the floor. The bottle of Jack is balancing on the corner of the bottle, almost completely horizontal. The only thing keeping it from spilling out is her fingers around the neck.

My first instinct is to wake her up and yell at her for acting like an adolescent when she has a teenage daughter to care for, but I fight a battle within myself, telling me to take it easy on her. Plus, I’d rather not deal with a drunken mother at four in the morning anyhow. I’ve seen her in far worse conditions than just a bottle of jack almost empty, next to her head.
At least it wasn't a tequila night.
This is mild compared to what I was used to as a kid, so maybe she’s learned to deal with her stress better over the years. At least, I hope so for Zoe’s sake.

It’s been a few days now since Adric’s birthday and the hours seem to drag on, slowly tearing my sanity down bit by bit. My home life has become hectic, making me wish I could just sleep the whole time and pretend I’m somewhere else. Somewhere I can actually manage to think without worrying about my mom and Zoe constantly fighting. It’s becoming so unbearable, that Zoe spends most of her time running the streets doing only God knows what with her friends and not coming home ‘til late hours of the night. The bad part is, my mom doesn't even bother questioning her anymore. She's barely fifteen. Actually, she won't e
ven turn fifteen for another five weeks. It kills me to think she doesn’t give a crap. I'm scared she will end up pregnant, in jail, or worse . . . like Adric. I swallow hard at that horrible thought. I can't ever lose her, too.

Work life hasn't been much better either. Kade is still giving me the cold shoulder and when he isn't, he's putting his energy into trying to make me jealous by bringing random girls into the bar and throwing himself all over them. However, it doesn't make me jealous, it just pisses me the hell off. I don't get the point. I understand he’s mad, but him trying to upset me on purpose is low, even for him. I didn’t do what I did with Kellan because I wanted to hurt Kade. I did it because I couldn’t stop myself. I would never do something to hurt someone on purpose. Besides, it’s not like Kellan and I have even spoken in days and probably won’t either. What we had was just one night of heated passion and now it’s done. Squashed. Like I wish my phone was.

In fact, my cell phone has become more of a torture device than a way of communication, keeping my hopes up over that one phone call I’m sure to never receive. Every time it pings, my heart goes wild only to drop to my stomach when I realize it's Jen or someone else but him. Some days I even find myself hiding my phone in random spots so I won’t check it every damn hour and sometimes I even forget where I hid it. Who does that? Why I do this to myself, I’ll never figure out.

I find it pretty pathetic I have to stoop to that level. I've never had to be one of those girls crazy over waiting on a call from a guy. The truth is, I could really use some support and Kellan has always had a way to make me forget things, even if just for a moment. Right now, it’s not even just about me wanting him physically, which I do and very badly at that. It’s about me wanting him emotionally. I need his support. I need to talk to him. He is the only one who understands exactly as I do.

I’ve already made my decision and I plan on going to that damn tattoo shop today. It’s settled. I’m going to tell him whether or not he wants to see me, I still want him to do one last thing for me. That’s give me my first and only tattoo. I will only get inked by him. I can’t let anyone else permanently leave their mark on my body. It has to mean something to me. After that, he never has to see me again. As much as it hurts, I can't push him into wanting me like I do him. I have to let him go.

Knowing there’s no possible way I can fall back to sleep, I push the blanket aside and push myself to my feet. I stand in front of the couch and look down at my mother. The pitiful look on her face makes my heart ache. She looks so torn and weak with black streaks that very noticeably cover her pale cheeks. Big dark circles that sit under her eyes alter her beauty that was once present. She was beautiful at one time. You know how they say life can take
its toll on your body when drugs or alcohol consumes you? Well, she is that proof. I hate seeing her this way. She looks much older than she really is. You would guess she were more around the age of sixty than forty-nine. I wish she would take my advice and get the help she needs before it's too late.

I brush a strand of soft, thin hair behind her ear and bend down, pulling the blanket over her before grabbing the bottle of Jack from her limp hand. There is no empty glass present, meaning she drank straight from the bottle. She only does that when she is o
n a panic from her thoughts of dad and needs to smother them quickly. Standing, I bring the almost empty, black labeled bottle into the kitchen and pour it down the drain, tossing the glass in the trash.

My mom has gone through so much heartache over the years and although she hasn’t always handled them the correct way, I know deep down she cares. She really needs to find a better way to cope with her problems or Zoe will follow in her footsteps, which is why I just hope Zoe knows as well. She needs to know she has a mother that loves her. Every child should know that feeling.

After cleaning the house, I take a quick shower, throw on a towel and sit outside on the front porch since everyone is still sleeping. I sit there with my head back, the breeze blowing through my wet hair, as I stare into the dark sky, waiting for sunrise. It’s so peaceful; here by myself, feeling free as I close my eyes and just breathe. I sit here lost in thought, peeling at the chair's old paint underneath me, until the sound of a motorcycle distracts me. I get an instant sinking feeling in my gut as the sound gets closer, until finally it’s right in front of my house. At least, I hope. I haven’t found the courage to find out yet.

I look over and my heart jumps right out of my chest at the sight of Kellan. He wears a pair of faded jeans, an old white tee and leather jacket, unzipped that falls perfectly just below his waist.