Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (21 page)

watch your language: words matter
watch your language: words matter

[ CHAPTER NINE ]
[ CHAPTER NINE ]

A
nd by “Watch Your Language” I actually mean “We Sometimes Have Absolutely No Idea How Much Our Words Perpetuate Body Image Issues and Conversely How Much Changing Them Can Fix ALL the Problems,” but that was too fucking long for a title, so I made a short one instead.

I'm surprised that you're even reading this after that bossy chapter title, but I'm glad you are. Because, ACTUALLY, this could be the most important chapter of all.

In my short time here on earth, and even shorter time preachin' body love, I've discovered there are certain times when words and how we use them are
really
important. Well, words are always important, but the body acceptance movement has brought attention to a few particular pockets of problematic conversation that we can improve on. Here are a few things to remember.

1. Beware of the “versus” monster.

Thanks to the setup of the beauty myth, it's become normal to compare, contrast, and compete with other women's bodies. Yes, even under the guise of
loving your body
. While I follow a good number of body-lovin' Facebook pages, I choose them very carefully. There are many pages run by those who are attempting to empower certain body types, but they do so by putting down another body type. The most classic example would be an image that says, “Bones are for the dogs, meat is for the man,” or “Real women have curves.” An especially offensive page adds to that tagline, “not the body of a 12-year-old boy.” I've also seen “Fuck society. This [Marilyn Monroe] is more attractive than this [a bony Kate Bosworth],” and . . . well, good god, it's everywhere.

Internet, I think you're confused.

That is not really how body positivity works.

It goes the other way, too, and this thinking creates a monstrous “us versus them” dichotomy in the body acceptance world, which is what happens when thin women categorize fat women as lazy, and fat women pigeonhole thin women as “sellouts.” None of this is constructive, and none of this is true. Here's a fact: We all deal with similar insecurities. As a fat woman, I am no stranger to detrimental comments regarding my weight. They may be well intentioned, or they may be pointedly cruel; regardless, they are all hurtful. But fat women are not the only ones who receive criticism about their weight; if we look at the opposite side of the spectrum we see the same patterns. “Skinny” people are also the target of encouraged bullying, bullying that is surprisingly similar to the kind that we fatties know all too well. I'm sure you've heard some of these:

  
1.
  
“Eat a sandwich!”

  
2.
  
“Must be nice to be so thin.”

  
3.
  
“Do you have an eating disorder?”

  
4.
  
“You'd look so much better if you'd just put some meat on your bones.”

  
5.
  
“How can you be insecure when you're so small?”

  
6.
  
“You're so skinny, I hate you.”

  
7.
  
“‘Real' women have curves.”

  
8.
  
“Of course you're cold! You have no fat on you.”

  
9.
  
“I wish I had your problem.”

Because there is such disdain toward larger bodies in our society, we've worked hard to counter that, and now we often associate the term “body positive” with embracing rolls, bellies, and arm flab. Now we've started filling the world with verbal and visual conversations about fat bodies and that, my friends, is kick-ass! We
must
counteract the negativity that we are fed daily and so I say: YES TO PRO-FAT! Yes yes yes! But let's not confuse pro-fat with anti-skinny. Let's not forget that our body positivity also applies to all shapes, sizes, sexes, shades, genders, abilities, and everything else our bodies are capable of being. The body love conversation needs to support
everyone
. Otherwise, what are we all fighting for?

In his book
Pedagogy of the Oppressed
, Paulo Freire talks about a phenomenon that happens often within oppressed groups: the development of sub-oppressors, or those within the demographic who are fighting for liberation but crushing others in order to do so. As Naomi Wolf points out, those who perpetuate the beauty myth have actually cultivated rivalry among women in order to create division.
¹
Spurring competition among people is a classic distraction technique created to keep those who are oppressed busy fighting against each other instead of figuring out a way to get out from under their oppressors altogether. Our advertising culture LOVES that we do this; they gleefully continue to create their self-hate doctrine while we are distracted as we waste our energy pitting ourselves against our fellow
strugglers when we could be using our energy to change the state of the world we live in. Let's NOT do ANY of that, okay? We all feel like we're flawed in some way because we are all comparing ourselves to the same ideal—and that ideal doesn't even exist. Never has. Never will. We must change the
system
together if we're ever gonna get outta this mess; we have to find equality all the way around. Comparison and competition don't serve anyone in the end.

There is power in community, and there is power in numbers. If we support each other in our journeys, the sky is the limit.

In fact, celebrating each other's successes is kind of the answer.

Ever feel like someone else's win is your loss? Ain't true. I recently came across an amazing image on Instagram that reads, “Her success is not your failure,” which I re-posted with the comment, “YES THIS.” I'm happy to say this has been exactly my experience with every body advocate I've ever met. And this, dear friends, is a beautiful and rare thing in broader society.

I've watched teams and communities grow stronger and more successful when they bask in other's achievements. Celebrating someone else's success doesn't mean the others in the group fall behind, but rather that they all recognize the power of collective happiness. I believe this is true when it comes to loving our bodies as well.

The indescribably wonderful Virgie Tovar shared her mission in life with me once while we were sunbathing in San Jose, California: Her mission is to rid our society of its diet culture habits and
to help others be successful in doing the same
. Notice how she doesn't just aspire to kick ass at something; she also seeks to empower and hand off her knowledge to others. It was so refreshing to hear that, and this isn't an isolated incident. Magnificent activists like Sonya Renee, Marilyn Wann, and Lindsey Averill (and honestly almost every single activist I've ever come in contact with; it continues to blow my mind) have all gone out of their way to assist me in my endeavors. Because this is what it's all about—
this is how it's
supposed to work. This is what the body love community stands for, and you're totally a part of that community.

It's a lovely thing, seeing people relish the successes of others. And I think the reason for this community's undying support of each other lies in the fact that every single one of us believes in empowerment. Positivity. Love.

I believe in body love. You believe in body love. And if we all really believe in body love, we'll want every person to find that as well. And once we
all
embrace that motherfucking love? OMG, MIRACLES will happen. There is power in community, and there is power in numbers. If we support each other in our journeys, the sky is the limit.

All body judgement is backward progression, and I say we ditch that. Let's ditch it altogether. Body positive is all inclusive. All bodies. All relevant.

2. Salad doesn't get you to heaven.

Not too long ago I was sitting outside at a creperie with my boyfriend, and as we were eating and chatting a woman sitting alone with her dog said out loud, to no one in particular but clearly directing her comment to us, “God, I'm glad my husband isn't here! He'd kill me if he knew I was breaking my diet and eating this food!”

She then sat in suspended silence waiting for us to answer. Maybe waiting for us to say, “Oh,
man
, you'd be in trouble!” or “Tsk, tsk, tsk!”

Instead we just resumed chatting and eating, and I'm sure I said something like “Jesus, these crepes are amazing,” or something else positive about this food I was apparently supposed to be feeling guilt over.

My boy and I talked about the awkward situation later, and we decided that this woman's supposed diet wasn't the problem, necessarily (to each her own); it was the fact that she felt like she needed to hide her enjoyment of that food from her husband, and then make her apparent shame a casual topic of conversation with strangers . . . like it was a common thing to do.