Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (20 page)

Why do I love this concept so much? Several reasons: It shows the layers and shades of gray in mental health. We as humans can get so stuck in how a diagnosis separates us from others, but the GAF scale forces us to look at the larger picture and remember that mental health is just a continuum, and we're all on it somewhere. And y'know what? There's a chance that at one point in our lives we might be one number, and another time we'll land somewhere completely different. This tool is just a starting point to assess ourselves and see what we might need to do to move toward the right side of the ruler, if we can.

The shame, guilt, and stigma we place on someone with a serious mental illness is a bunch of baloney. There was a long-running joke while I was in CRSS training that if you highlighted every disorder listed in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
that you noticed in yourself at one time or another, you'd just have one big yellow book.

We all have some percentage of neurological deficiency and we all fall somewhere in between 1 and 99. Which simply means we're all in need of resources, just some more than others.

Y'follow?

If you are someone who identifies with having a mental illness—wherever it falls on the spectrum—I want to make sure you know something.

Your mental illness is not your fault.

Didja hear that? Again:
Your mental illness is not your fault.

Here is why it's not your fault: We are a product of our chemistry and the sum of our collective experiences, and we cannot fully control either. We are born into our bodies, and our biological makeup dictates a lot of how we see the world. As adults now,
we can
choose how our life progresses, but of course nature and nurture have set us up with the tools we have. This includes our body issues.

My point: It's not necessary or helpful to feel guilt and shame about a neurological condition that is out of your control. That's all. So release yourself from that shit, and maybe you'll be able to focus your energy on what you want to see happen now.

It can be tricky to find help, and even if you make the difficult decision to seek it, you're going to have to commit yourself to a journey. With serious mental illnesses, medication is often necessary to lift us out of the rut we're in. It's okay; don't subscribe to whatever stigma you think exists about medication. Once you're
able to get out of bed
, you can then work on your recovery through activities like therapy, groups, exercise, et cetera. But you can't do any of those things if you're not able to leave your house. Medication is a simply a tool that helps you function.

If you think you may need a therapist but have anxiety about talking to someone in person (I prefer a real live person, but that's totally understandable), check out Talkspace (
www.talkspace.com
) where you can chat anonymously with one of more than two hundred therapists.

If you don't have the funds to get professional help, I would recommend using the services available through your local government agency. I'll be real with you, though: You may need an extreme amount of patience to navigate government networks, but it can be worth it. Just know that you're entitled to good care, and if you don't receive it, you're also entitled to ask for a new clinician. You are your own best advocate, so ask questions; ask for what you need; bring a list if you're afraid you'll forget the important stuff. Request a peer support specialist or recovery support specialist, if the agency has these available. These professionals will know how the system works and can help you get the resources you need.

If you've tried the coping skills I've outlined above and still find yourself in crisis, call a hotline. It may feel scary, but try to allow yourself to ask for support—people who staff these hotlines are trained to help people like you at a time like this. I've listed here a few that might be helpful.

  
1.
  
National Hopeline Network (crisis hotline)

       
1-800-SUICIDE // 1-800-784-2433

  
2.
  
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

       
1-800-273-TALK // 1-800-273-8255

  
3.
  
Suicide and Crisis Hotline and Adolescent Crisis

       
Intervention and Counseling Nineline

       
1-800-999-9999

  
4.
  
Adolescent Suicide Hotline

       
1-800-621-4000

  
5.
  
Suicide Prevention—the Trevor Lifeline

       
“Specializing in gay and lesbian youth suicide prevention”

       
1-866-488-7386

  
6.
  
The Trans* Lifeline

       
“Dedicated to the wellbeing of transgender people”

       
U.S.: 877-565-8860

       
Canada: 877-330-6366

  
7.
  
Mental Health Crisis Hotline

       
1-800-273-TALK // 1-800-273-8255

  
8.
  
Help Finding a Therapist

       
1-800-THERAPIST // 1-800-843-7274

One more thing: There is a common misconception that suffering from a mental illness means you're broken or weak. On this, I call bullshit. Acknowledging that you have a biological imbalance is one of
the bravest things that you can do: It is a sign of
strength
, not weakness. So you have that extra barrier and you STILL get up in the morning? Baby, that makes you miraculous. You deserve a standing ovation and a certificate for your stunning survival. You are my hero. Never give up.

I sure as hell won't.

guest essay
guest essay

UNDERSTANDING THE ROLE OF CONFLICT AND BODY IMAGE IDENTITY

KIMBERLY A. PEACE, MSW OF
KIM–PEACE.COM

S
elf-loathing is at epidemic rates and is an alarming social problem today, especially pertaining to body image and self-perception. Tragically, this is strongly rooted in, and perpetuated by, mainstream society on a collective and individual basis. How did we get to this place? What are the underlying motives for creating a system of defined “beauties” and “non-beauties”? What causes a group or an individual to discriminate against others and cause harm, simply for looking different? Further, what phenomenon occurs within ourselves that allows us to accept another's negative perception of us? These questions frame an interesting debate.

Consider that on an individual basis, when someone identifies a person as unworthy of acceptance, unattractive, less than intelligent, or deserving of invisibility, a significant disconnection occurs. Prejudice, hatred, and injurious judgment often result from this type of interaction, and dehumanization occurs. One individual then claims power over another by labeling that person, creating a false sense of superiority, and distinguishing the other person's difference as an indication he or she is “less than.” Social Darwinism, an evolutionary theory, describes the unwarranted justification of this privilege taken by some members of society. It is thought that natural selection based on biological traits is a viable measurement of who is “worthy” and
who is “not worthy” in our society. Social Darwinists postulate that because humans are a product of nature and conflict, only the strongest, most intelligent, most beautiful (by American ethnocentric ideology) are considered acceptable. Any individual who does not seem to fit this mold is then viewed as destined to fail, and treated accordingly. Those individuals are defined as different, inherently inferior, and less deserving. Unfortunately, over time the recipients of such messaging may begin to accept this ideology and feel unacceptable, adopting behaviors that perpetuate this
internalized oppression
in their lives. They may begin to distrust themselves and their previous self-concept, and even loathe themselves. The result is that people who are judged in this way can, unknowingly, further fuel the power differential, which intensifies the dehumanization of all involved.

The underlying motives for perpetuating this type of interaction are multifaceted. Upon initial observation,
ignorance
plays a major role in discrimination. The idea that “you are different from me” may feel threatening to some. This lack of understanding seems to create
fear
. Specifically, fear of the unknown, fear of what outcomes may result from our differences. This fear creates a
disconnection
between individuals. This disconnection from one another can produce a strong reaction called psychological “reactance.” Reactance is the motivational state aroused when a person perceives a threat to his or her own freedom, and feels a need to take action to regain a sense of control. In essence, someone who fears another person's differences may become verbally or physically violent toward the person. The “justification” for discrimination might include statements like, “You are fat and lazy,” “You contribute nothing to society,” “You cost taxpayers money for your health care,” “You are skinny; you are weak,” in an attempt to move away from the fear of difference and the discomfort it may have produced for this individual. Attempts may be made to coerce the other person into conforming and changing to match the status quo.

At this point, one is left with a choice to make:
Do I conform and try to change my body? Should I laugh it off and make fun of myself? Cry
myself to sleep? Withdraw and feel numb? Battle the overwhelming fear that I might never belong?
These are common internal responses for the person who has been judged when trying to cope with the conflicts that arise over acceptance and body image identity. What can one do in the face of rejection? What are viable alternatives?

It becomes important, then, for all of us to find ways to stand up for our own and others' right to dignity and speak out in defense of justice in the world. How can we do this?

The
first step
is to recognize that conflict is inevitable. Embracing conflict with the will to create liberation can be a very powerful move. When we pursue personal freedom, we will inevitably be met with societal pushback based on what is deemed acceptable and what is not. Acknowledging the role of conflict in the potential to bring about positive change is vital.

Second,
we have the opportunity to question the injustice or discrimination taking place. We can ask ourselves:

  
•
   
Do I—or can I—believe in the inherent value of each person, regardless of our
commonalities or differences?

  
•
   
Can I respect others and myself for the individuals that we are?

  
•
   
Do we all have the right to be ourselves, be safe, and feel accepted?

If we are unsure, then we can seek the ideas of others whom we trust and continue to question what society mandates. Take your time. Listen to others' experiences and think carefully about your own. What has been helpful for you, and what has been harmful?

Third
, if we find that there are hurtful beliefs that permeate our lives, we can make a decision to refute them. We can be brave, when we are ready, and confront these ideas. Take one step at a time, and the reconstruction of truth begins. We can rebuke comments or media messages we hear that are unrealistic, unjust, and harmful. We can do
this out loud in the moment of confrontation, or silently in our minds as we encounter them. We can recruit our own “board of directors”—people we trust (authors, for example, and helpful friends and family members) who can remind us of our worth and beauty, and the worth and beauty of others, when the world is working diligently to maintain the discriminative status quo.

Fourth
, if dialogue is possible with groups or individuals who are making harmful statements, join with others and stand as an advocate to overtly challenge the destructive paradigms built into our society. You might initiate conversations, write about, or lobby for changes that would further secure respect for diversity and reinforce the value found in the uniqueness of all people.

These four approaches begin within the individual. It starts with each of us finding the power within to deconstruct negative systemic messaging and identify injustice. With these approaches,
we can reject oppression and dehumanization
. We can secure our right to self-acceptance, and we can move forward to usher in liberation and freedom. By using conflict as a catalyst for transformative work, we can create the space for the beginning of loving ourselves, and, concurrently, loving others, while reconstructing a more just and healthy paradigm in our society.