Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls (9 page)

The majority of society isn't capable of producing these images yet, but guess what? We are.

A simple way to start to change the way fatties are represented is to take the narrative into our own hands and show the world what's actually real. We can take our own unscripted images and share them all over the Internet—a tactic similar to “culture jamming,” and an effective technique for countering fucked-up societal standards. BUT, if we want to do something a little simpler, we can just live a visible and unapologetic life cram-packed with fulfillment, happiness, and joy. All of these things challenge the warped versions of fat that our world sees and offer those around us a new paradigm in which to process larger bodies.

It's really that straightforward, and eventually we'll get there. I'm hoping the rest of the world will join us soon.

Until then, haters will continue to say whatever they feel about Tess and every fat person they consider to be a poor role model. They'll continue to be unaware of why they feel jilted by the body currency exchange. They'll continue to try and keep loud women in line and tell them to behave. They'll continue to portray large bodies as the comfortable tropes they know so well. They'll continue to live incognizant of why they are outraged by others being happy and blind to the reasons why they hate fat people SO much. But who knows? Maybe some will wise up. And though I wouldn't put money down on a sweeping change in the majority (because we're just not there yet), there are people working on a societal transformation, and we're making some progress. Remember Tess's success? Being the first super fat chick to sign with a London modeling agency and all? That's progress, my friends.

For those of you facing any kind of body hate, do me a favor: Ignore those people who tell you loving yourself is not okay.

For those of you facing any kind of body hate, do me a favor: Ignore those people who tell you loving yourself is not okay. Have empathy for the people that hate you for being happy; we all know what that kind of self-loathing feels like. It's not required, but if you can, send them body-lovin' vibes, because they deserve to love their whole selves too. Acknowledge that the people spreading the animosity are simply regurgitating deception that's been fed to our culture for decades; they just don't know anything different. So keep on rockin' your version of your bad self, and in the words of Tess, don't forget to “surround yourself with positive, like-minded people who support you. It's crucial to your happiness and well-being. Never compare yourself to others and celebrate what makes you, YOU.”
¹¹

And
if you ever find yourself struggling and can't seem to shake the motherfucking hate (it gets REAL sometimes), I offer you this “life
well lived” Twitter wisdom from Gabourey Sidibe, star of the film
Precious
, as inspiration:

@GabbySidibe
: To people making mean comments about my GG pics, I mos def cried about it on that private jet on my way to my dream job last night. #JK

Find your own version of a dream job. Find your own version of a private jet. Your fat body is not a hindrance, and it's
certainly
not a barrier to happiness. The only barrier is the false belief that you must change yourself in order to be okay. You've got the power to shake the bullshit, trust me.

Now go get happy, kick some ass, and LIVE already.

guest essay
guest essay

HE SAID I'M GETTING FAT

ANDREW WALEN, LCSW-C OF THE BODY IMAGE THERAPY CENTER

W
hen I was about ten years old, my step-grandmother was married to a lout of a man. I mean, he was a real schmuck. He didn't like people and didn't want to be bothered by his wife's new extended family (that's where I came in). When I came into his den to say hello during a visit, he looked at my pudgy little boy belly and said to me, “Andy, you're getting fat!” He then farted in my direction.

This vile man managed in that one quick encounter to engage my already shaky sense of self and help fuel my self-loathing. And I let him. Experiences like this were cumulative, every little moment of fat-shaming building and coalescing into an eating-disorder voice that drove me to countless diets, exercise binges, food binges, starvations, and bulimic behaviors. It took years of therapy and nutrition counseling, social and family support, and learning to value myself beyond my body size and shape to silence that eating-disorder voice.

On the first day of this new year, I was visiting my father when a friend of his popped in. This man looked at me and said, “Andy, you've really grown! I mean you've really put on some pounds!” Are you kidding me? I'm a forty-two-year-old man now, and still this
alter cocker
thinks it's okay to fat-shame me? Hell. No!

I did not disrespect my father by yelling at his friend, and I did not lose my cool. I've taught my family over the years that I will not tolerate fat-shaming, weight prejudice, or diet talk at all. I can't help it
if they're still surrounded by folks who, like them, never learned to see this as destructive as it is. But I also learned how to thicken my skin and not let insensitive comments like this get to me anymore. I don't let it shake my foundation of recovery and instead see it for what it is: ignorance. I'm fully aware of my gifts, my attributes, my sources of confidence and pride. I'm not thin, haven't been since age five. I live in a bigger body and that's just my body, it's not who I am as a father, husband, therapist, friend, son, or any other identity I have.

What can you do when you're faced with a similar situation? I recommend following an anger roadmap. First off, recognize you're upset and breathe for a second. When you're able to think clearly, then go ahead and follow these steps. First off, was the comment made maliciously, with intent to harm? If yes, then it deserves further attention. If not done intentionally, then you really want to consider whether it deserves your time and attention. If you say yes, then examine whether you have a reasonable response. By this I mean, can you effect some change by confronting the person—talk to them, teach them, help them see how they hurt you and others by this kind of comment? If you don't think they'll hear you, then by engaging this person all you're doing is escalating the situation. That helps no one, including you. You then can decide to do what I did, which is talk yourself through it and focus on challenging the eating-disorder beliefs the comment has started up in your brain. Dispute the thought of decrepitude, and then move on to the next task at hand. It's okay to be angry, but don't let it become a replacement for your eating-disorder voice. Ultimately, the voice of love and respect is the one that will sustain you.

But it's not easy. I get it. To be a man and struggle with body image issues, weight discrimination, and eating-disorder behaviors is to feel like an outcast. Men are supposed to be strong, dominant, and competitive, and not need external help. That cultural expectation leads to men shying away from any mental health care, let alone for an issue that is supposedly a “female” one. But we're affected by the change in expectations for our bodies. You won't find very many
pictures of men with average bodies in magazines, just the extremes of the “overweight,” whom we shame, and the “well-built,” whom we celebrate. Decades ago, researchers found only a small percentage of males felt uncomfortable with their bodies. Now that number is closer to 90 percent, half wishing they were bigger and half wishing they were smaller. All wish they had more muscle definition, and are especially concerned with how their bodies look from the waist up. It's about the six-pack abs, V-shaped torso, striations in the musculature, and roundness of the biceps, triceps, and deltoids.

And what is often seen in the gyms? Men who come in for hours at a time, working on their “show-off” muscles in their arms, legs, and abs, paying little attention to overall strength and balance. This is usually followed by burning out on cardio machines so they can “eat whatever the hell I want.” Where's the balance? Why so much focus on looks? Because we are in denial about our insecurities in life, love, work, relationships, family, and the like. We control what we can on our own, don't talk about our feelings, don't ask for help, don't show weakness, “man up!” That's the rule. That's the norm. And it's a damn shame.

Many women I speak with believe only gay men struggle with body image and eating disorders. Truth is, only about 15 percent of males with eating disorders are gay.
¹
That leaves millions of straight men with eating disorders and body image issues. Unfortunately, research doesn't support this issue either, as only a minuscule percentage focuses on males with eating disorders.

We have to do better. We have to normalize the experience of men with body image and eating-disorder concerns. We have to say that being a man means facing our fears about intimacy, vulnerability, and connection. “Manning up” would take on a whole new connotation. And maybe, just maybe, nobody else will attempt to shame me by calling me fat.

fat and health: rethink that shit
fat and health: rethink that shit

[ CHAPTER FIVE ]
[ CHAPTER FIVE ]

L
et me start out by blowing your mind with four very simple statements:

  
•
   
Skinny bodies can be unhealthy.

  
•
   
Fat bodies can be unhealthy.

  
•
   
Skinny bodies can be healthy.

  
•
   
And fat bodies
can
be healthy.

Yes. These are all true, and there are real, live, existing bodies that prove it
everywhere.

What do those four very simple statements mean? Fat bodies aren't inherently unhealthy, and skinny bodies aren't inherently healthy. That's a far cry from the FAT = BAD and SKINNY = GOOD paradigm we've been raised to think of as gospel. It also means we have to remove weight from the health equation and look at other signifiers of health. It also means a lot of mean people are sad that they can't play
the role of Doctor and Concerned Citizen while judging people's state of health just by looking at them.
God
, I'm such a downer.

It's actually a documented fact that being fat isn't an indicator of being unhealthy, and being thin is no assurance of good health.
¹
But you'd never believe it based on diet, health, and weight-loss ads. Just a reminder, dear friends: This is a fundamental truth.

I'm NOT saying that everyone walking around the world is in perfect health no matter their body size (not that perfect health is a prerequisite for loving ourselves; more on that later). I'm also not saying every skinny lady is unhealthy and every fat woman is a healthful goddess. What I AM saying is weight is NOT the health determinant that we so desperately want it to be. I'm saying that weight is not the number-one way to diagnose a person's “wellness.” I'm saying that judging a person's worth based on her body is fucked up, especially when it comes to health. HAVE I BELABORED THIS POINT ENOUGH?

Good.

Some people may tell you this is bullshit. Professionals who clinically study and disprove common health myths (like fat = bad) often talk about how they can present pages and pages of scientific studies that show our assumption of weight and health isn't what we think it is, and this still doesn't change people's bias. We are SO invested in and bombarded by the idea that thin means fit and fat means death that for some, updating their mindset is seemingly impossible. And let's be real: There is a lot of money being spent to ensure this continues. There's a really good chance some of you will walk away from this chapter assuming that I hit my head too many times as a child, and y'know what? That's okay. This is your life and your rules, and you get to decide what you believe. But if you find yourself teetering and feeling like you're just not quite able to let go of ingrained body morals, but you kinda want to, I'm going to share a few truths that don't have anything to do with blood pressure or treadmills: Self-esteem isn't a crime. Self-love isn't something to be earned. Most importantly, loving your fat body as it is
is not
delusional and
does not
amount to self-deception.
But believing that you are less of a person just because greedy assholes said so? I propose that
is,
and
does
.

The majority of opinions about fat people and health still fall into two general camps that go something like: (1)
Fat isn't healthy, you Obeast!
and (2)
You may not need to be a size 2, just be healthy and fit
(cue our new worth indicator from
Chapter 3
, remember?). We've covered multiple reasons that both of these camps are so prevalent. Now let's talk about the connection between our obsession with health and our belief that all doctors are reliable consultants when it comes to defining this important factor. Because the world believes the “obesity crisis” is going to cause an apocalypse (and the only way to survive is by working out every day and eating shit tons of carrots), we need to question the mouthpieces that most people refuse to contest and ask ourselves: Where is this definition of health coming from, and is it accurate?

In short? It comes from people who are as susceptible to bias as the rest of us, so not really.

In 2013, hundreds of doctors gathered at the annual meeting of the American Medical Association to vote on organizational policies. One of the policies up for a vote was a particularly brief resolution: “That our American Medical Association recognize obesity as a disease state with multiple pathophysiological aspects requiring a range of interventions to advance obesity treatment and prevention.” Even though many AMA professionals already know what we do—that fat bodies aren't always unhealthy—it passed anyway. This was followed shortly thereafter (this year, 2015) with a new guideline for all medical staff: Treat the weight first.
²

Now, of course, like every industry that's ever existed, monetary gain is always a key motive. There is a lot of money to be made by “treating” fat people in general, and there are compensations as a result of that 2013 decision: Now that obesity is officially a “disease,” doctors can write the diagnosis on their chart and get compensated by insurance companies. Fact. Is unbiased health always the priority for medical professionals? No fucking way.

“It sounds like you're saying fat people are victims of some sort of medical conspiracy. GOD, YOU SOUND SO DRAMATIC, JES.” Nah. I'm just presenting the facts. I'll let you decide.

Now, is every fatty who shows up at the doctor going to have a clean bill of health and have no weight-related issues? No. Will some people benefit from weight treatment? It totally depends on what
they
believe is best for
them
. Should we discredit everything that comes out of a doctor's mouth? Not necessarily, but let's at least ask questions. Is weight the only contributing factor to health issues? Nope. Does our medical system operate under this premise? Fuck no.

Now, when fat people
do
have medical issues (and use those tax dollars everyone likes to bitch and moan about), it's important to think about why it can happen since we know it's not
always
because of weight. There are two particular issues that I feel are especially relevant that
don't
draw a direct line to the scale.

1. Dieting

Tell me what the cause of this list of symptoms sounds like to you: “Increased all-cause mortality and . . . increased mortality from cardiovascular disease. . . . Increased risk for myocardial infarction, stroke, and diabetes, increased high-density lipoprotein cholesterol, increased systolic and diastolic blood pressure, and even suppressed immune function.”
³

Sounds an awful lot like what we get all shamey about and pin onto fat bodies, doesn't it? Well I'll tell ya what: It's not a list of risks correlated with “obesity,” but rather those that come from weight cycling, or as we often call it: yo-yo dieting

Guys, it's a well-known fact that diets don't work, and this means that every diet is pretty much a yo-yo diet.

I'm sorry if that ruined your day. There's a shit ton of research that talks about this. One well-known and still relevant statistic is that 95 percent of people who diet will gain the weight back within three
to five years, and it's very common that they gain more than was lost (for more on this, do an online search for “Ragen Chastain Do 95% of Dieters Really Fail?”).
⁴

Those symptoms listed above? Pretty rotten side effects that severely impact a person's health. I find it SO odd that we have decided to shame large bodies without knowing anything about their health, and then applaud anyone who diets when doing so can be physically harmful in a big way (and costs tax dollars, too). We treat fatness like it is always a death sentence (it's not) while encouraging every person to “better themselves” by dieting, which in fact causes its own list of ailments. It's backwards as fuck, y'all.

If we were REALLY concerned about someone else's health we wouldn't emphatically encourage dieting like we do. Seeing that 75 percent of women have disordered eating,
⁵
116 million American adults are dieting at any given time,
⁶
and 80 percent of ten-year-olds have already started dieting,
⁷
I'd say it's time we stop congratulating others for harming their bodies in pursuit of fabricated perfection. Let's start there.

2. Aversion to Health Care Because: Goddamn Discrimination

Weight-biased health care isn't anything new. We like to assume the medical professionals we come in contact with are honest, nonpartisan, and well . . . professional. This is not always the case. There is a boat load of documentation that explores how these professionals feel about fatties, and it's not very awesome.

It's been heavily documented that doctors share the same high level of intolerance and disgust of fat bodies as the general population. One study showed that over 50 percent of primary care physicians viewed fat patients as “awkward,” “unattractive,” and “noncompliant.” A third of these physicians described fat patients as “weak-willed,” “sloppy,” and “lazy.”
⁸
In another study, 45 percent of a sample of
physicians agreed they have a negative reaction to fat individuals.
⁹
It is so common for fatties to go to doctor's appointments with a particular non-weight-related issue and leave with a prescription that will “help” them lose that weight. One hilarious (darkly so) cartoon illustrates this concept: A fat woman with a wooden post stuck through her midsection says, “DOCTOR! I've been impaled!” to which the doctor responds, “Well, maybe you'd feel better if you lost some weight.”
¹⁰
I wish this were an uncommon response to serious medical issues, but unfortunately it's not. Blogs like
First, Do No Harm
(“Real Stories of Fat Prejudice in Health Care,” at
www.fathealth.wordpress.com
), are chock full of stories of experiences people have had with weight discrimination in the medical field. It will make you cringe.

Even further, a recent government survey indicated that more than half of the “overweight” adults being told they are unhealthy by doctors are metabolically healthy, and nearly one in four “normal-weight,” metabolically unhealthy adults are overlooked by doctors.
¹¹
So a majority of fat people are being told they're not okay when they are, and “straight-size” bodies are automatically assumed to be up to snuff and don't recieve proper medical attention. This simply goes to show that medical weight bias negatively affects us all.

All of this, understandably, can make fat people really hate going to the doctor. So much so that they often don't. And I DON'T FUCKING BLAME THEM. Not only is so much of our worth attached to our “health” and what the doctors say, there's more than a 50 percent chance that the mouthpiece of that info is gonna be a dick. Fat people are surrounded by judgmental dicks all day long. We certainly don't want to pay to see one. Y'KNOW?