They Don't Teach Corporate in College (36 page)

When you routinely exist in the moment, you become more conscious of how you behave around others and how certain situations affect you. This comes in handy for coping with negative emotions that rear their ugly heads at work. In the next section, I'll talk more about how you can develop your emotional intelligence to effectively fight attitude-busters such as anger, worry, stress, and frustration.

Most of us have taken an IQ test at some point or another, but you've probably never given your EQ a second thought. Author and psychologist Hendrie Weisinger explains that EQ, or emotional intelligence, means intentionally using your emotions to guide your behavior. For example, let's say your boss just told you that his budget has been cut and your pet project must be canceled. In this situation, it's likely that negative emotions would overwhelm you. Without even thinking, you might fly off the handle and lash out at your boss. When you've honed your EQ, however, you immediately stop and consider how this development has made you feel. Once you've ascertained that you're angry, you might prevent your emotions from spilling over by talking yourself through them or taking a time-out.

High self-awareness is the basic building block of EQ. Think of it as stepping outside of your body, and then objectively observing yourself in action. Let's illustrate Weisinger's strategies for increasing self-awareness by using the previous example of the canceled project.

Strategy #1:
Examine how you make judgments about the world. Your judgments about yourself, other people, and situations are influenced by your personality, beliefs, and experiences. By becoming aware of your judgments, you learn how your thoughts influence your feelings, actions, and reactions, and you can then alter them accordingly. If you recognize that you tend to put a negative spin on your judgments, remember not to react out of anger, and try and talk yourself out of them.

Positive Reaction:
“I know that I have the tendency to believe that developments such as this are my fault and that they are directly related to my work. But the reality is that my boss canceled my project because our funds to pay the vendor were cut off. The decision had nothing to do with my work.”

Strategy #2:
Get in touch with your feelings. When you understand and acknowledge your emotions, you are better equipped to work through them. You can identify your feelings by being on the lookout for physical manifestations such as increases in heart rate, breathing, and perspiration.

Positive Reaction:
“The second the words were out of my boss's mouth, I noticed my heart was beating so fast it was almost in my throat. I didn't need to start talking to know I was really angry.”

Strategy #3:
Learn what your intentions are. Take the time to consider your hidden agenda, or what's really driving you to act a certain way, so that you can better strategize your course of action.

Positive Reaction:
“I really want to get promoted at my next review, but I'm worried that I won't be able to build a case in time because my primary project was canceled. Maybe I should think about how I can prove myself some other way.”

Strategy #4:
Pay attention to your actions. Nonverbal cues such as speech patterns and body language can clue you in to your emotions and behavior. Becoming aware of these also helps you monitor how others might perceive you.

Positive Reaction:
“I can tell I'm feeling really defeated by the way I'm slumping down in my chair. To my boss, it might look as though I've totally given up on my job because this project was canceled.”

By using these self-awareness strategies, you'll be able to better understand your emotional hot buttons and, therefore, manage your negative emotions much more easily. Now, let's introduce some specific tools for diffusing anger, worry, and stress.

Irritating circumstances often lead to feelings of anger—that's human nature. However, for the sake of your professional persona, it's in your best interests to refrain from showing anger at work. Even if you have a legitimate cause, this type of negative reaction will never reflect well on you. Whether you display your anger in the form of an irate tirade, a single rude comment, or subtle insubordination, failing to control this emotion can result in serious consequences. One friend of mine was fired on the spot when he screamed at his boss for handling a project ineptly. Another was suspended from work after sending a scathing email to a colleague. During the most stressful phase of my career, my anger masked itself as tears. I wasn't fired or suspended, but I did compromise my credibility and reputation. All it took was one supervisor
to perceive me as immature, and the next thing I knew, I wasn't getting the promotion I deserved.

Regulating your thoughts, existing in the moment, and boosting your EQ are good strategies for preventing negative emotions from creeping into your workday. Despite your best efforts, though, anger may threaten to overflow at times. The key is to manage it so that you don't end up in hot water. In the midst of a heated discussion or situation, use the self-awareness strategies from the last section to determine when you're losing control. Tell the person or people you're arguing with that you need to take a break, and then temporarily remove yourself from the situation. Whether you're right or not is irrelevant. After all, winning the argument won't mean anything if you lose your temper. A month from now, your point will have been forgotten, but everyone who was within earshot will still remember your inappropriate behavior. Go back to your office or cube and decompress. Make an effort to relax, calm yourself down, and adjust your thoughts to erode some of your negativity. Consider ways to re-approach the situation anger-free, and then catch up with your colleague or colleagues to continue the discussion in a civil manner.

Sometimes we need to express our anger physically. This is fine, provided you don't destroy any company property in the process. I suggest taking a time-out and heading outside the building where no one can see you. Wrap an item of clothing around your mouth and scream as loud as you can. It works for me!