They Don't Teach Corporate in College (33 page)

Don't change the subject until you're certain the speaker has concluded his or her point.

You can encourage others to listen to you by emphasizing key points, and by asking for a restatement of your message in the person's own words. Make your position relevant to the listener, and, as a general rule, listen more than you talk. You will stand out as one of the few people your colleagues consider it a pleasure to talk to!

Remember
Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus
? Romantic relationships are one thing, but no one talks much about how Mars and Venus fare at work. In fact, there are significant verbal and nonverbal differences in the way the two genders get their messages across in a professional setting.

In the area of verbal communication, men tend to speak more concisely, whereas women tend to elaborate or explain their points of view. Men tend to assert their ideas as if they are fact, whereas women tend to phrase their ideas as questions and add disclaimers (“I might be wrong…”) or hedges (“Maybe”).

Men engage in verbal bantering and derogatory comments to establish rapport, whereas women think a certain level of formality is more appropriate. Men make demands of the team, whereas women try to gain consensus first. Men want to talk about plan specifics, whereas women want to talk about needs and feelings.

Men don't give positive feedback as frequently, whereas women think it's important for reports to feel valued. Men more often make decisions based on careful analysis of the facts, whereas women are more likely to spot the right decision quickly, often as a result of intuition.

On the non-verbal side of the equation, women tend to smile a lot, whereas men remain poker-faced. Women nod to indicate understanding, whereas men nod to indicate agreement. Women stand face-to-face to reflect
engagement and shoulder-to-shoulder to reflect disengagement. Men stand face-to-face to reflect aggression and shoulder-to-shoulder to reflect collaboration. In a work setting, women often contract to make themselves seem smaller, whereas men do the opposite and often expand their presence to fill the room.

Fortunately, there are things both women and men can do to improve their effectiveness in communicating with the opposite gender. Let's start with the women. Women can:

Speak in a strong voice even when they don't feel confident.

Concisely explain the factual reasons behind their ideas and decisions.

Excuse themselves promptly if they feel their emotions getting the best of them.

Ask a man whose approach they are questioning to help them understand the rationale behind it.

Steer clear of interpersonal criticism unless it's absolutely necessary.

Suggestions for the men include:

Hear a woman out without interrupting.

Listen to and acknowledge a woman's feelings.

Ask for feedback as opposed to dictating.

Minimize the amount of teasing in group situations.

Avoid aggressive behavior such as raising one's voice in a disagreement.

I remember getting really insulted by an executive who seemed to keep stonewalling my ideas. I was 22, and I thought that of course he should want to listen to what I had to say. I was so upset about being ignored that I talked to my boss, and she thought I was overreacting. Eventually I gave up trying to get noticed, but I got a bad taste
in my mouth every time I'd see the executive. I would tell my younger self to recognize that the exec was probably just really busy and that his lack of communication was nothing personal. It would have been great to get advice from my boss or my other mentor at the time about a more effective way to get the exec's attention instead of just complaining that my way wasn't working.