The Well-Spoken Woman (5 page)

Any woman maneuvering in a man's world has to prove herself. Orit Gadiesh was a management consultant at Bain & Company when she delivered a speech that became the basis of a Harvard Business School study on leadership and that propelled her to the top of her industry. At the company's annual convention in 1992, Gadiesh's aim was to rally her
colleagues with an approach that was unconventional for the buttoneddown, data-driven, Boston-based firm. Bain, which had been hammered by years of turmoil and poor revenues, had recently completed a successful turnaround. Although Gadiesh agonized about it for weeks, she decided “to give a personal ‘no numbers' speech to her colleagues.”
¹⁸

The message about collective pride and holding firm to founding principles brought Gadiesh's colleagues to their feet cheering, and within a year she was appointed company chair. Those in attendance said the speech worked only because Gadiesh gave it. Gadiesh is a Diane von Furstenberg look-alike who dresses with flair in bold accessories and strong colors. If that wasn't enough to set her apart from the Brooks Brothers suits, she had also trained in military intelligence with the Israeli army. Gadiesh worried that a personal speech would not be well received in the rarified air of management consulting. But she meant what she said, and her colleagues believed her and supported her agenda.

Step 3: Risk Taking Yields Rewards

Putting yourself out there is not for the faint of heart, as any woman who has broken or cracked a glass ceiling will tell you. If you challenge a conventional norm, push an unpopular agenda, or reach for the golden ring, you can expect judgment, pushback, and condemnation. Taking a risk often means hesitation and second-guessing, but if you proceed, you'll get the tremendous satisfaction of knowing you had the guts to put your ideas on the line. It is an unparalleled thrill to move an audience and empower them to take a course of action. When you articulate a shared passion, suddenly anything is possible.

When Richards's children were grown, she divorced and battled alcoholism. As governor on prison visits, she would introduce herself: “My name is Ann, and I'm an alcoholic.” Molly Ivins wrote that “anyone who ever heard her speak at an AA® convention knows how close laughter and tears can be.”
¹⁹
Her willingness to speak freely about her struggles made her an inspiration to thousands. Through the ups and downs of public life she never lost her sense of where she came from. This is evident in a story about preparing for a royal visit. Just weeks after being elected governor
and still wet behind the ears, she was informed that the queen of England was coming to Texas.

You can imagine what it's like, there's a great deal of turmoil going on, the legislature was already in session, the issues were already hot and heavy, I was trying to assemble a staff, plan an inauguration with all of the attendant balls and marches and such…I don't know how many of you have entertained the Queen but it's a very complicated deal. We all had to go to school to learn, not to touch the elbow and things like that. I had to go have a dress made—one of those sort of suitable, queenly-looking outfits with the silk pleated skirt and the raw silk jacket in a bright color.

After all of this preparation, obviously we were nervous and we wanted the visit to go very well. I was running across the Rotunda of the Capitol building to wait there on the front steps for the Queen and racing through my mind came my mother's voice just as clear as a bell, saying, ‘Where do you think you're going…to see the Queen of England.?' Here, some 40 years later I was!
²⁰

Consider what about your life experience sets you apart. Your story doesn't have to be deeply personal, but audiences do want to get to know you. The more you can share, the more likely the presentation will generate a positive buzz that can create a competitive advantage. At a prestigious New York City law firm, a senior partner named Judy had recently spoken about intellectual property at an American Bar Association conference. The conference was a potentially lucrative rainmaking opportunity, but Judy knew it hadn't gone as well as she would have liked. As she related some of the speech, it was clear she had articulated her expertise, but there was nothing memorable about what she had said. Judy had come across like a cog whose marketing abilities were unlikely to turn prospective clients into billable hours.

When Judy finished, a colleague remarked that the abstract nature of the topic made it difficult for potential clients to understand the nuances of the law. It was suggested that she might want to draw upon her talents as an artist to render a more relevant talk. Judy had a mini-lightbulb moment as she realized she could stay within her comfort zone while
adding depth and color to her legal expertise by using visual metaphors to simplify complex points. Judy's hobby sets her apart from other lawyers in navy-blue suits. When you let your hair down, you will step beyond the realm of the commonplace.

Self-assuredness comes from confidence, which is a habit all speakers can adopt.
Chapter 2
lays out the techniques you can use to develop a balanced level of confidence that will ensure the audience takes you seriously. You can take a number of proactive steps to overcome fears so you can stay focused on accomplishing objectives. In some situations, a difficult audience can derail you. In
chapter 9
, guidance is provided on how to handle troublemakers and difficult questions, including hostile interviews. There is no reason to cope with the challenges of public speaking alone;
chapter 10
has suggestions on how you can tap into a sisterhood of support to help yourself and the other women in your life.

STANDING OVATION POINT:
WELL-SPOKEN WOMEN PROJECT THEIR BEST

Ann Richards embodied the well-spoken woman's Power Persona. Her signature style, synchronized message, and self-assured manner broke the mold. With straight talk, unbendable hair, and good humor, she packed more personality and charm into one appearance than most manage in years. After leaving politics, Richards continued to share her passion for service and hard-earned wisdom. An invitation that was always accepted was the annual request to return to the Texas Girls State conference. A story she liked to share with the newest crop of young dynamos was from the
Cinderella Complex
by Colette Dowling: “If Prince Charming shows up, he isn't going to be on a white horse; he's going to be on a Honda and expect you to make the payments.”
²¹
Part of her legacy is the encouragement she gave to the next generation of women leaders. She wanted them to learn how to take care of themselves and to take responsibility for their own lives.

Richards was outspoken from an early age, but many well-spoken women never envision themselves becoming a big deal. Plenty of women,
like Senator Margaret Chase Smith, speak out only when they realize no one else can or will. Candy Lightner was a heartbroken mom who touched a nerve with the story of losing her daughter to a repeat drunk driver. Lightner turned her family's loss into Mothers Against Drunk Driving—the organization that makes nearly every American think twice about getting behind the wheel after a few drinks.

Another mom who didn't envision herself as a nationally recognized advocate was Patty Wetterling. Her quiet life in a small Minnesota town was shattered the night a masked gunman kidnapped her eleven-year-old son. Five years after Wetterling created a foundation to protect children from exploitation, Congress passed the Jacob Wetterling Act, which requires states to create sex offender registries.

When I first met Patty Murray, she was a suburban mom juggling the demands of kids, marriage, and aging parents. Murray experienced a defining moment when a state legislator dismissed her concerns about cuts to a parent-child education program by saying: “You can't do anything. You are just a mom in tennis shoes.” The slight was a slap to many women (and men) trying to do their best for their families. The unassuming Murray turned the dismissal into a rallying cry to mobilize the constituency that carried her to the US Senate.

Lightner, Wetterling, and Murray show us that not all leaders wear wing tips. These “moms in tennis shoes” turned their anguish and outrage into movements that touched millions. Women often enter the public arena not for power and prestige but to achieve something for their families and communities. They are motivated by a deep sense of justice, and some have risked personal harm to say their piece. They are compelled to make a difference by circumstances bigger than themselves. In each of the following chapters, you will meet extraordinary and ordinary women who used their speaking talents to create change.

 

There is no more liberating, no more exhilarating experience than to determine one's position, state it bravely and then act boldly.

—Eleanor Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt: Volume One 1884–1933

 

 

H
ow confident are you in your speaking abilities.? How do you react when you are asked to make a presentation? Do you beg off, believing others can do a better job? Do you fret that a mistake will reveal vulnerability? Do you hesitate to ask for help because you believe your senior position means you are supposed to have all the answers? Does your apprehension result in procrastination that leaves you once again white-knuckling it or faking your way through? As Deborah Sampson could attest, faking it only takes you so far.

Sampson was a patriot with an adventurous spirit who pulled off not one but two masquerades. At the age of twenty-two, the unmarried parttime weaver devised a scheme to enlist in George Washington's army. The former indentured servant had few prospects and may have been enticed by the bounty money paid to new recruits. Clad in a man's suit and posing as her deceased brother, Sampson successfully enlisted with the Massachusetts Fourth Regiment without raising suspicion about her gender. It helped that no physical exam was required.

For two years, Sampson kept her true identity hidden, and she might never have been found out if not for a wound sustained during a skirmish. Since she was handy with a needle, she removed the musket balls lodged in her thigh. However, she subsequently fell ill, and the jig was up when a doctor discovered the injured soldier was a woman. It was illegal for
women to serve in the army, and Sampson could have been charged with defrauding the government and impersonating a man. The newspaper accounts of her predicament stated she had comported herself with “great activity, courage, and valor,” and she escaped punishment with an honorable discharge.

Upon returning home, Sampson did something no other soldier in the Continental Army could do. She married and gave birth to four children and most likely would have lived out her life more conventionally if her family hadn't struggled financially. Denied a military pension, Sampson decided to take the story of her wartime adventure to the stage with a professional speaking tour. The decision to become a public lecturer was as unprecedented as the one to enlist. No other American woman had done such a thing. The act was frowned upon by the likes of Thomas Jefferson, who stated that if women were allowed to engage in the public meetings of men, doing so would result in a “depravation of morals.”
¹

Despite or perhaps because of the peculiar nature of her presentation, Sampson brought the house down at the Federal Street Theatre in Boston on a March evening in 1802. The portion of the talk performed in drag was a real crowd pleaser. In full uniform, she executed the soldier's manual exercise of arms, twirling her musket with precision and confidence. The talk was a rousing star-spangled address that included an apology. The expression of regret was likely an attempt to secure public acceptance so she could win back wages and a pension. Although the performance earned positive reviews, Sampson's speaking career was short-lived due to ongoing illnesses, which were likely related to her injury. She spent the last thirty years of her life fighting for benefits, and she enlisted the help of neighbor Paul Revere to secure a small retirement income. When she died, there was little public notice, and there is no record of a memorial service to honor her service. Despite astonishing achievements, one of America's most unconventional soldiers and public speakers has nearly been lost to history.

No More Masquerades

Sampson is a role model for anyone who questions whether she has the right stuff for the public arena. When Sampson marched on the battlefield
and took to the stage, she courageously defied what was considered appropriate behavior for women. By breaking through gender barriers, she led an independent life and provided for her family. Consider how far she might have gone had she not been constricted by societal norms. Don't allow a lack of confidence or skills to hold you back. Think about how you can seize opportunities when they come your way. Otherwise you can find yourself caught in a catch-22 situation. After all, you can't improve if you don't practice. The more you procrastinate, the more you agonize, the more likely what was an opportunity becomes an obligation that causes you to effect a pose as you suffer your way through it.

Most presenters who pretend at the podium are not trying to put one over on the audience. An affected or stilted performance is a coping technique, but it has the serious downside of masking the speaker's true potential. Internal psych-outs such as nagging self-doubt and stage fright stymie progress. Those negative states of mind can be alleviated and even eliminated with specific strategies to face down fears. Knowing how to psych yourself up allows you to get past fear to achieve personal and professional goals.

SLAY THE IMPOSTER DRAGON

Studies have shown that some high-achieving women feel like frauds before an audience. They convince themselves that they do not belong and do not deserve what they have earned. Both women and men experience the “imposter syndrome,” but with a gender twist. Women tend to blame themselves more for perceived shortcomings. Men are likely to place the blame on external factors such as bad luck. Men are also less likely to feel like frauds because they convince themselves they would have done better if they had prepared. From my coaching experience, men tend to view themselves as being better than they are, while women think they are worse than they are.

At the age of forty, Tina Fey was the youngest comedian to be honored with the prestigious Mark Twain Prize for American humor. In her acceptance speech, the self-deprecating Fey said she never expected the honor
but thought she might qualify for “the Judy Blume Prize for awkward puberty or the Harper Lee Prize for small bodies of work.”
²
When asked how she felt about her achievements, Fey replied: “The beauty of self-doubt is that you vacillate between extreme egomania and feeling like I'm a fraud. You just try to ride the egomania and then slide through the imposter syndrome.”
³

Self-imposed feelings of being an imposter are sometimes reinforced by others. A diverse group of young women physicians shared some of the labels and stereotyping they encountered in their ob-gyn practices from both patients and colleagues. A Latina doctor said patients look at her and think she's the cleaning lady, even after she has consulted with them. An African American doctor added: “And, I'm the nurse.” A question the physicians commonly faced was “How long have you been practicing medicine?” which the women agreed is code for “How old are you?” These professional women are constantly asked to establish their bona fides because they do not fit the traditional doctor model.

Step 1: Recognize Speech Mode

The first step to slaying the imposter dragon is to recognize that both external and internal challenges to competence can trigger self-doubt. The head of a national philanthropic organization couldn't believe eight hundred people had showed up for her address: “Do they really want to hear what I have to say?” This type of negative framing causes many presenters to lapse into “speech mode.” The telltale signs of speech mode are weak eye contact, stiff body language, and a rapid speaking pace. Presenters caught in the grip of speech mode are suffering physically and emotionally. The speaking event becomes an exhausting exercise in survival.

When I first met Nikki, a leader in the local branch of an international labor union, I was immediately drawn to her personal warmth and quiet sense of competence. With her relaxed, engaged style, it was not surprising to learn she had earned the distinction of being the first African American woman to achieve a top leadership position in the union. But, as soon as the camera rolled for speech practice, Nikki morphed into a frozen lump with no facial expression and a choppy speaking cadence. When we
watched the video playback, Nikki's eyes teared up as she realized her personality changed because she was trying to project what she thought a labor leader should look and sound like. She was taken aback by her toughguy posturing. Nikki saw that she was trapped in speech mode. By adopting a persona that wasn't true to herself, she was impeding her ability to improve. Nikki had been masking her true self out of fear she wouldn't be accepted by the boys. With the awareness that she would be better off being herself, Nikki was freed to develop her leadership skills.

Step 2: Eliminate Telltale Body Blunders

The most revealing outward sign of speech mode is a look of dread in the eyes. The eyes truly are the window to the soul. No facial expression or vocal inflection can mask distress in the eyes. Neither is it possible to genuinely convey passion or enthusiasm if it isn't visible in the eyes. Another dead giveaway of speech mode is poor posture. Is the body ramrod straight? People suffering from anxiety forget how to use their arms. Suddenly, the appendages that have been hanging from your shoulders all your life feel wooden.

Sometimes I catch women trying to position themselves behind furniture in an awkward attempt to hide real or imagined figure flaws. Others have never learned how to move their bodies effectively. Be wary of expressions, gestures, and postures that can be misread, leaving the audience questioning your intention. Sarah Palin's trademark wink is endearing to some, while others are annoyed by what they perceive as her nonchalance and lack of decorum. The intent of a wink is unclear. It can be interpreted as flirtation or affable conspiracy. Eliminate the gender-centric mannerisms that signal you are out of your comfort zone.

Step 3: Put Mistakes into Context

Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy with bad body language or a big blooper. We all have memories that make us wince. PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi lit up the blogosphere with her best-known speech, which is also the one she would probably most like to forget. Nooyi's trademark outspokenness was on display during a commencement address to the 2005 graduates of Columbia University's Business School. During the speech, she gave the audience “the finger.” Nooyi used a middle-finger analogy to describe America's place in the world, comparing the five major continents to the five fingers on her hand with the United States occupying the middle-finger spot.

Each of us in the U.S., the long middle finger, must be careful that we extend our arm in either a business or political sense, we take pains to assure we are giving a hand…not the finger. Unfortunately, I think this is how the rest of the world looks at the U.S. right now. (Middle finger pointing up.) Not as part of the hand giving strength and purpose to the rest of the fingers…but instead scratching our nose and sending a different signal.
⁴

Not your typical feel-good commencement address. Many of the graduates and their family members were offended by her unbefitting ges
ture, which detracted from the ceremonial nature of the event. When
Today Show
anchor Ann Curry delivered a commencement address at Wheaton College, she gave a shout-out to a list of distinguished alumni, mentioning among others Reverend Billy Graham; movie director Wes Craven; and Todd Beamer, a passenger on downed United Flight 93. The problem was, everyone Curry named had attended Wheaton College in Illinois, not Massachusetts.

The graduates and school administrators knew Curry had misspoken but gave her a standing ovation anyway. Curry was mortified and sent letters of apology to both schools. Later, on a late-night talk show, she said the incident taught her to “never Google drunk.”
⁵
It is unlikely you will be able to save face with a national television appearance, but a sincere apology is always in order for major missteps. A light touch of self-deprecating humor can make the contrition less awkward for everyone. In her atonement, Nooyi reaffirmed her gratefulness to her adopted country, calling America “the promised land she loves.”
⁶
The erroneous alumni list and errant finger were high-profile embarrassments, but genuine, good-natured responses ensured they weren't blown out of proportion.

PROJECT YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF

The Indian woman is a remarkable species…. The ability of the Indian woman to multitask and to put up with a lot of crap is just amazing.