The Way Back (18 page)

Gabby thought about the young woman’s face. Her beautiful chiseled face. “She has your jaw line.”

“She does. And my stubbornness.”

The weight on her chest was crushing. This was the truth. The
whole
truth. “You are a cheater.”

“I told you I was,” he said calmly. “I never lied about it. I told Paula, too. She knew there were others and wanted to pretend there weren’t. Elia was one of many. I wasn’t out whoring with a different woman every night, but there were affairs. I needed Paula to know. I felt like it was okay and my conscience was clean if I told her. All I did was hurt her.

“Because the kicker is she loved me in her own way. She was funny and sweet. She always represented herself well at any event we attended. She was a great cook and baker. Every holiday she would stuff me with fudge, cake and cookies. And gifts. Anniversary, birthday, Christmas, it didn’t matter. Paula always knew the perfect gift for me. Some off the cuff thing I might have said months prior and she would remember it and spin it into something wonderful. She was a good person. And she wanted to be a mother so badly. But I could tell she just dreaded it…and so I couldn’t with her. Not even to give her the one thing she wanted.”

Gabby felt tears running down her face. She wanted him to stop talking. She wanted him to take the words back, but he wouldn’t.

“You called me a hero? Isn’t that what you said about me? That I was good and kind and heroic? I was scum. I was pissed my wife didn’t want me in bed and I did the most selfish thing I could do because of it.”

“She could have told you,” Gabby said trying to defend him, but in her heart she couldn’t. The same way she hadn’t taken pity on Paula when she’d tried to explain. The same logic was true for Jamie. His actions were wrong and there was no defense for them.

“She didn’t know. She was so sheltered as a kid. It didn’t occur to her to know how she should feel when I kissed her or touched her. She thought there was something wrong with her. She went through therapy and took pills and—”

“I know. She told me.”

“She tried so damn hard,” he said, shaking his head. “And every couple of months I would go away for a weekend and come home and say…sorry. I needed it. I would ask her if she wanted a divorce. After every time. I wanted her to know she could walk whenever she chose. She would never agree.”

“You did this…for years.” Gabby counted the exact number. They had been married nearly fifteen years. Fifteen years of him cheating on a wife who didn’t understand she was gay. It was so awful, for two people who liked each other to cause each other so much pain. “What if she hadn’t met Cheryl? What if she never figured it out?”

“The deal was we would divorce after her parents died. The truth is my affairs ended a couple of years before she met Cheryl. I couldn’t stomach it anymore. I couldn’t live with who I had become. I felt dirty all the time. Finally, I said, screw it. The sex wasn’t worth how awful it made me feel. We became this oddly platonic, friendly couple. She was mostly happy and I was sexually frustrated, but it felt better than the alternative.”

“And Cheryl?”

“Cheryl was an interior decorator. She came to our house to renovate the place. She was attractive. Beautiful and free. So different than Paula’s classic chic style. Naturally, I wanted her. For the first time in years I actually worked up enough anger over my lack of sex—because that’s how I justified everything to myself, like I was the victim—to make a move on her.”

“Let me guess. You got shot down.” Gabby could actually work out a smile.

“I did. Paula started acting funny, though. Like a girl for the first time since I had known her. She’d laugh and giggle and touch Cheryl’s hand. She never touched anybody voluntarily. What made me follow her that day, I will never know. Because if you asked me before it all went down if I thought my wife was gay, the answer would have been a big hell no. Paula was such a prude, the idea of sex outside of her preconceived notions of normal, seemed crazy to me. Still, I had this gut feeling something was off. I followed her and I watched Cheryl open the door and I waited outside. I waited a good long time because I thought— I thought…finally Paula is getting some. I wanted her to have that. I wanted her to know how good it could feel. How freaking crazy is that?”

“Why didn’t you drive away?”

“The anger came back. I remember what it felt like with those other women. Dirty, tawdry. How shitty I always felt after. The whole damn time, Paula was gay and didn’t realize it. I told myself if she’d only known before we married, I never would have become what I did. I wanted to blame her for it.”

“You had a choice.”

He looked at her then, the first time since he started spilling his deepest life secrets. “I did. I get that now. I could have gone to therapy with her. I could have tried harder. We know now it wouldn’t have worked, but I didn’t know then. Those years of celibacy because I couldn’t stand cheating anymore weren’t any more horrible than the years when I was cheating and feeling like crap about it. I could have been a better man for her. It took years of being alone here on this island to figure it out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

Gabby couldn’t say exactly. She only knew she felt this deep hole in the pit of her chest and thought it must be what it felt like for him, too. For that she was sorry.

“Does she know about Zhanna?”

“No,” he said tightly. “Zhanna didn’t want anyone to know. It was her secret, she said. Not mine. I’m going to have to tell her I told you. She’ll be pissed.”

Gabby nodded. They had run for almost three miles but strangely sitting on the beach talking had been infinitely more exhausting. Slowly, she rose without taking the hand he offered. She couldn’t.

“What does this all mean, Gabby? Where do we go from here?”

Gabby closed her eyes. “I don’t know. I can’t think right now. I think— I know I need some space. Maybe I’ll grab my suitcase and head to Susan’s.”

“You’re leaving,” he said flatly.

“I have to.”

“You said you wouldn’t.”

It was a cheap trick. To hold her words against her when he knew she didn’t have the whole story. She looked at him and he closed his eyes.

“Sorry,” he said weakly.

Slowly they walked to Jamie’s house. Gabby stood outside by the car while he went inside to grab her suitcase. She didn’t trust herself to be in the house with him. She didn’t want him to say anything that might make her feel better or worse.

She thought about the call she was going to make to her mother. And how it would have to wait.

He emerged with her bag and lifted it into the trunk. She opened the driver side door but he held it so she couldn’t escape.

“I’m a better man today than I was then. I know it might be hard to believe. But I didn’t just excuse myself, you know. I could have said, hey, my wife was gay and I was entitled. I didn’t. I owned every last piece of lousy behavior. But then eventually I forgave myself for it. I had to or it would have eaten me up inside. I’m ready for you, Gabby. I really am.”

Tears blurred her vision. He was ready. But she didn’t know if she was. She got in the car and tried to close the door, but he still wouldn’t let it go. She wanted to close him out. She wanted to isolate herself because she wasn’t sure if she could hear one more thing, process one more feeling.

“You’re going to have to forgive me. You’re going to have to.”

Yes. She was. Only she didn’t know if she could.

He released the door and she closed it. She looked at him in the rearview mirror for as long as she could until he was gone.

Then she pulled the car over to the side of the road. She was shaking and knew she would need it to stop before it would be safe to drive.

Only the shaking wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop it. She thought she might shake forever.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

J
AMIE
KNOCKED
ON
Zhanna’s door and for a moment hoped she wasn’t home. He wasn’t positive he was ready to face her anger after having gone through what he went through with Gabby this morning.

He thought about her date with Tom last night and for a second it occurred to him she might very well still be on her date with Tom. The thought made his stomach turn until he reminded himself she was a grown woman and could sleep with whomever she chose.

Besides, it wasn’t like he had ever thought about her in terms of his little girl or that he’d ever bounced her on his knee. A man who raised a baby girl to a woman, it made sense why he’d be so distrustful of other men. He didn’t want to see the person he’d invested so much of himself into get hurt.

But Jamie had met Zhanna for the first time when she was twenty and the need to not see her hurt, especially when she came to him so wounded and grieving from her mother’s death, kicked in immediately.

Maybe it was some built in genetic male instinct that made him want to kill anyone who slept with his daughter.

Glancing around the parking area of the restaurant, he spotted some customer’s car and Zhanna’s. No Toyotas.

For now Tom was safe.

“I’m coming. Are you bringing me another kitten? I think Mary would like a sibling—” The door opened on a smiling Zhanna whose face changed when she saw who it was.

“Expecting Tom, I guess?”

“He said he would come by this morning for breakfast.”

Jamie glanced at his watch. “It’s after noon.”

“We had a late night and he told me to sleep in. Who are you, the sleep police? What brings you here anyway and why do you have such a sad face.”

“I need to tell you something. Something that probably isn’t going to make you happy.”

“Now I have a sad face.” She opened the door and went to sit on the couch, curling her bare feet under her legs. When he saw her like this with her hair a little disheveled and her feet bare he thought this is how she might have looked as a girl.

He thought of all the time he missed with her.

At first when she showed up at his door he was stunned, then disbelieving, then seriously angry. Had he known there had been a child, his child, somewhere out there in the world, he never would have let her exist without him. Nothing, not Paula, or her parents or his reputation would have stopped him from finding Zhanna.

Elia had betrayed him in the worst possible way.

He wanted to rail against the woman who had been his lover for a brief time, but Zhanna wouldn’t have a bad word said against her beloved mother. As Zhanna explained it, Elia’s thinking was simple. When she told Zhanna about her father, she also justified her decision to keep him out of their lives.

She lived in Russia and Jamie lived in the U.S. Even overlooking what an illegitimate child would have done to his career as well as his marriage, the reality of trying to raise Zhanna together would have been impractical.

As a scientist, Elia had first and foremost been practical.

Nothing had come easy with Zhanna at first. Just because she chose to find him, didn’t mean they had immediately become close. It took time for them to form a relationship. He wanted her to live with him, but she demanded her independence. He wanted to help her financially, but she would take none of his money.

In the end, it probably was for the best. They were able to meet as adults and as equals. He came to love her not because she was his child, but because she was smart and funny and fiercely loyal.

Now he had to let her down and it hurt more than he realized. He used to think of their relationship in terms of friendship. It was easier that way. He could see now there was so much more. She was his daughter.

His daughter.
A truly incredible gift.

“What is this bad news?” Zhanna patted the cushion beside her and he sat with his hands clasped together. Like he couldn’t look at Gabby when he’d told her the truth about his life, he found the same to be true with Zhanna. It struck him as cowardly, so he forced himself to face her.

“I told someone about you.”

Her eyes opened wide, then narrowed. “Gabby,” she guessed. “She is back?”

He nodded. “She came back last night. This morning I had to explain everything. My life, my past and it included you and your mother.”

“Hmm.”

He wasn’t sure what to make of the noncommittal sound, but she wasn’t shouting or throwing him out, which he took as a plus.

“I know you didn’t want anyone to know. I promised to keep your secret. Today I broke that promise. While I’m sorry for breaking it, especially if it hurts you, I can’t tell you I wouldn’t do it again. She needed to know. She is— She was…important to me.”

“Was important? Why
was
if she came back?”

“She found out what really happened between my ex-wife and Cheryl. She thought it exonerated me. I needed to let her know the truth.”

“Does she know how you have punished yourself in isolation for so many years trying to make what you did right? Does she know how you took me in without blinking and did everything I asked of you? Does she know the actions of an angry young man don’t define who you have become? She knows these things, yes?”

Jamie patted his daughter’s knee. Fiercely loyal didn’t begin to describe her.

“I don’t know if she knows those things. I think she does. I hope she does. She didn’t leave all the way. She left me, but she didn’t leave the island. She’s staying at Susan’s. I think it might be a good sign.”

“I think if she doesn’t accept what you have to offer, then she is a fool.”

He leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”

“Hey, Zhanna, I brought muffins for breakfast—” Tom had opened the door without knocking. A sign, Jamie concluded, which meant these two were suddenly very comfortable entering each other’s homes unannounced.

His daughter was dating this man. While it didn’t appear he’d stayed over last night, most likely those circumstances would change in the near future. The genetic instinct kicked in again and he had to hold himself in check not to charge at the man. Instead he kept his place on the couch and his hand on his daughter’s knee.

Tom’s eyes fell to Jamie’s hand and his face flushed. “Jamie.”

“Tom.”

They were eyeing each other up cautiously as men do when the possibility of violence exists.

“What are you doing here?” Tom asked.

“I could ask the same of you.”

“I’m bringing my
girlfriend
coffee and muffins on her day off.”

Zhanna beamed. “Did you hear? He called me his girlfriend. It is such an American word. I like it very much.”

“Well, we were having a private conversation. Maybe you could come back later.” Jamie said the words intentionally, knowing the reaction they would have on Tom. He wasn’t sure why he was pushing the man’s buttons. It could be he was looking for a fight. The idea of working out his frustrations with his fists seemed like a brilliant one. If it also served to let Tom know he better not think of hurting Zhanna, then all the better.

Calmly, Tom set the muffins and coffees on the kitchen counter and walked back to face Jamie with his hands on his hips.

“Who the
hell
do you think you are?” Tom snapped.

Jamie considered the younger man. He didn’t launch into attack. He didn’t toss the muffins and coffees. Very cool. Very deliberate. Very in control. If a man was going to be sleeping with his daughter, Jamie figured liking the guy was the best he could hope for.

The bad news was he probably wasn’t going to get his fight.

Zhanna leaped off the couch. “Tom, calm down. I told you. Jamie is only friend.”

“Only a friend, who shows up here in the morning and is patting your knee and kissing your cheek. I like you, Zee, but I mean it. I can’t play this game. You’re either with me or with him—”

“He’s my father.” Zhanna turned to Jamie. “There. Now cat is out of bag. Speaking of cat you must lower your voices as Mary is still sleeping. She does not care to be disturbed.”

“You didn’t have to do that Zhanna.” Jamie stood. He knew she’d done it for him. To let him off the hook for telling their secret. Maybe freeing them both from it, too.

She touched his face. “It was time. There is nothing to hide.”

“Father?” Tom apparently was still in shock as he looked to each of them then back to Zhanna. “Father? As in
dad?”

“Father as in dad. Although I can’t get her to call me that. She says it’s ridiculous for someone her age.”

“You are Jamie.”

“All this time you’ve been her father?”

Jamie didn’t dignify Tom’s bewilderment with an answer. “Thanks, Zhanna. For everything.”

“I have one last piece of advice. I know Gabby. I don’t think she is a fool. But I think if you let her get off the island…then you are.”

Jamie chucked her under the chin and made his way to Tom who was still processing the news.

“Oh, and Tom,” Jamie said before he let himself out of the apartment. “Don’t think for a second I couldn’t have taken you just then. Combat training. Needless to say if you ever hurt Zhanna, if you hurt my daughter— I’m not going to lie, Zee, I really like the sound of that.”

She smiled. “Me, too. Now finish your big threat. Very fatherlike.”

“If you hurt my daughter,” Jamie told him. “I’ll hurt you.”

Zhanna gave a fake shudder even as she wrapped her arm around Tom’s waist and rested her head against his shoulder. “Very scary. You make an excellent frightening father.”

Jamie left the couple to deal with their relationship and instead wondered what the hell he was going to do with his own.

* * *

G
ABBY
STARED
AT
THE
name on her cell as it continued to ring and wondered what the hell she was going to do. Of course Melissa wanted to know where she was and what she’d learned. She’d let her know after meeting with Cheryl where she was headed next and she had checked in with her again as soon as she confirmed Paula would actually speak to her.

No doubt Melissa was on pins and needles waiting for the big reveal, clicking her nails together in anticipation of a possible bestseller. The make or break moment, the biography to end all biographies.

What a story it was, too.

Gabby could care less about it. What did it matter if he was innocent for a day when he’d been guilty for years?

She tossed the phone on the bed without answering it and listened to the insistent reminder beep, which told her not only had she missed Melissa’s call, but also a voice mail had been left. There was no real need to listen to the voice mail. Not when she knew what Melissa would say.
Give me the story or else…

What in the hell was she going to do? Leave the island, tell Paula’s story and redeem Jamie’s reputation all the way by not including the early years of his marriage? Or leave the island, tell Paula’s story but reveal the truth about what Jamie had been doing years prior with all those other women. He would be somewhat exonerated. Who wouldn’t forgive a man who had unwittingly married a lesbian for having a few affairs?

She would ask to write the book. It would be a huge hit. She would do the book tour circuit. Maybe someone would see her on TV again and realize she was witty and charming and more importantly see how easily she connected to an audience through the medium of television.

Offers for her own morning show would come in from various networks. She would feature serious interviews, her first, of course, being Paula Hunter.

Her life. Back and better than before.

There was just one problem. Jamie wouldn’t be in it.

It wasn’t as though she had to think about what he would do. If she wrote the book, if she told the world his story after he’d spent all these years protecting Paula, he would never forgive her. Protecting Paula was the only thing he’d done right for her in their marriage.

A soft knock sounded on the bedroom door and Gabby startled. Only Jamie and Susan knew she was here. Susan had left her with a pot of tea and some chocolate chip cookies she thought might help and Jamie… Well, Jamie wouldn’t come after her so fast. He would respect she needed space.

Wouldn’t he? Or maybe he’d come to say she was being ridiculous and demand she forgive him. Possibly this declaration could entail lifting her over his shoulder and taking her back to his home where they would live together and be happy in ways she never really thought were possible for herself.

Cautiously Gabby sat up, then made her way to the door. “Who is it?”

“It’s me. You need to open the door. Now.”

Definitely authoritative, but not who she hoped.

Gabby opened the door to a scowling Zhanna.

“You know you are a big idiot.” It was a statement not a question.

“You know you lied to me.”

“Pish.” Zhanna waved her hand. “We lied to everyone. It was no one’s business. People wanted to think things, and we let them.”

Gabby let Zhanna sweep inside. She sat on the end of the bed with her long legs crossed.

“I saw him this morning and he is hurting. You are making him hurt. You hurt him. I hurt you.”

Gabby considered the threat. While it was true she’d shed some weight after a couple of weeks of consistent exercise, she was still larger than the slender younger woman. “Please. I could so take you.”

Zhanna’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, but I will fight dirty.”

“Yeah, well, I—” Gabby snapped her jaw shut. She was engaging in the ridiculous. “Zhanna, I’m not going to fight you. The truth is, a long time ago I was hurt. My father left my mother when I was a teenager. Then I got cheated on and dumped by my fiancé.”

“The people leaving. I remember this is what scares you.”

“Then you know why I can’t be with him. Why I can’t risk it.” Or at least why she didn’t think she could be with him. She didn’t know if she could risk it. She was still working it all out.

“I know what fear is. Bravery is feeling this fear and overcoming it. I was very brave. I’m now Tom’s girlfriend.”