The Upside of Being Let Down (new adult romance - 1) (12 page)

“
What
does that mean?
”
I asked.

“
Just...
I don
’
t know...
”

But Winnie did know. I could sense
it. I could see it. And the way she got back up from the table, I knew she was
hiding something. She started to rinse off our breakfast plates and I wondered
if she really was mad at me. Or if I did finally let her down for good.

“
You
know, it
’
s hard for me,
”
I said.

“
What
is?
”

“
Looking
at life. Everything seems to go wrong...
”

Winnie opened the dishwasher and
started talk to me about life and right and wrong and fate, but my mind wasn
’
t there. I gripped the coffee mug
with one hand, feeling the warmth of it.

Suddenly, I thought about Tommy.

The morning after it happened.

I wake and smile. My body
’
s still tingling a little. It
was... so wild. The way he drove his car. He took all these different roads,
kind of getting us lost on purpose. He took me to a secret spot and I couldn
’
t say no to him.

And I
’
m glad I didn
’
t.

I lift the covers and look at
myself. I
’
m in a
long white t-shirt. I pull up the shirt and look at my pink panties. The same
panties I wore the night before. The same panties I had to fetch off the driver
’
s seat after Tommy and I were
done.

I shiver, giggle, and blush.

That whole six month rule thing
was overrated anyway.

College was for fun... and sex
was fun...

Only I love Tommy. And he loves
me. He told me as we did it. As we... well, fucked.

My dorm mate is already gone,
probably out for her morning run.

Good for her.

I got my workout in the night
before.

By the time I eat and shower,
Tommy
’
s texting me.
He
’
s making jokes
about last night, keeping my face red and my body warm for more. I ask him to
meet up again and he quickly says he will.

It
’
s perfect.

He texts and says he doesn
’
t want to hang in the dorms all
day.

Totally.

I agree.

We should go somewhere.

I kind of ran out of money
yesterday and if I try to get a hold of my parents, they
’
ll yell at me. They bitch at me
about life and make me feel worthless. That
’
s the last feeling I need. I feel like everything
right now, thanks to Tommy.

I call Winnie.

I ask her for money and a place
to stay for an hour with Tommy. She jokes and makes me promise her we won
’
t fool around in her bed. I
promise I won
’
t fool
around in her bed but that doesn
’
t
mean Tommy won
’
t.

Wow, I feel so alive.

I text Tommy about going to my
sister
’
s and he
calls me.

He
’
ll get me in twenty minutes.

When he
’
s right on time and I see him, I
’
m turned on. I get into his car
and ask him if he knows any other secret places to go. It doesn
’
t bother me right then if my sex
life is based in the backseat of a car. As long as it
’
s with Tommy and it feels like
it did the night before.

Tommy takes my hand and smiles.
He doesn
’
t want to
hold my sister up. He knows what she does for a living and he
’
s okay with it. He doesn
’
t judge Winnie and he doesn
’
t judge me for it. It wasn
’
t easy graduating high school
and having people tease me that I
’
d
go into the family business of stripping.

I may not have liked that my
sister was a stripper but it was her life, not mine.

Tommy looking sexy as he parks
the car and looks at me.

He looks happy. Excited. Maybe even
horny.

We walk into the apartment and Winnie
is standing in a tight tank top and short shorts. She looks sexy but that
’
s just Winnie. She
’
s always sexy. That
’
s when I look to my left and see
Tommy walking away from me. His eyes are on Winnie.

My heart sinks a little.

Winnie makes small talk. I sit
on the couch but Tommy is already there, on the middle cushion, so he could sit
next to me and Winnie. He talks to Winnie more than he talks to me. His tone is
sexy, his dumb jokes are flirty, and it suddenly reminds me of watching an ex
out with a new person.

That
’
s when Tommy asks me to go out
to the car and get something for him. I shake my head at first but he begs me.
He tells me his leg hurts. He makes something up about the gym.

I feel cornered.

I have to go out to the car.

The second I get to the car I
realize I forgot the keys.

Tommy wants me to find some kind
of admissions form in his glovebox. I don
’
t
know why he needs it right then but I want to help him. Keep him happy.

I pull at the handle and the
door is locked.

No big deal. Back upstairs. To
get the keys.

I open the door to the apartment
and say,
“
Hey, I
forgo...
”

I
’
m floored.

Shocked.

Winnie has her hands on Tommy
’
s shoulders, holding him back.
Tommy
’
s on his
knees, in front of her, staring up at her.

“
You
are so beautiful,
”
he says.
“
I need
you... I
’
m in
love...
”

“
Are
you even listening to me?
”

I blinked a few times and said,
“
No.
”

“
What
the hell, AJ? Come on. If you want my help...
”

“
I
didn
’
t say that, did I?
”
I asked. I honestly wasn
’
t sure what I said by that
point. My mind kept racing, jumping subject to subject.
“
I just wanted to talk to my beautiful, big sister.
”

“
Big?
”
Winnie asked.

“
Big...
tall, older...
”

“
Not
that much older.
”

“
Still
older,
”
I said.

Winnie washed her hands and slowly
walked to the table. She sat down across from me and stared at me. She had that
look in her eyes. Not that mother kind of look, but a look of enjoyment. Like
she knew something I didn
’
t
know.

“
What?
”
I asked.

“
I
’
m going to ask this once,
”
Winnie said.
“
Your face will give me the
answer. And you know what I
’
m
going to say after that because I already know the answer.
”

“
Okay,
enough, just ask the question,
”
I said.

I was confused and now annoyed.

Winnie reached across the table and
took my hand.

“
You
got kicked out of college. You got kicked out of your apartment. You
’
re looking for a job...
”

“
Those
aren
’
t questions,
”
I said with a fake smile.

“
AJ,
where do you plan on living right now?
”

(14)

Bryan walked the creaky steps. He
hated the smell of the halfway house. He hated how it felt like it would fall
over at any second. If his father was inside, would that be so terrible?

At the top landing, Bryan paused to
collect himself. He needed to play nice. He found his father
’
s new room and knocked on the
door. The ugly olive green door with cracked paint looked terrible but not
quite as bad as the hellish sight of his father who opened the door.

“
Bryan,
”
he said.

He smiled and two of his bottom
teeth were missing. The rest were yellow and rotted.

“
Dad,
”
Bryan said.
“
What happened to your teeth?
”

“
Fell
out,
”
his father said.
“
That
’
s what happens when you don
’
t take care of yourself, son.
”

Bryan
’
s
father nodded and kept his mouth open. If it were Bryan he would have felt
ashamed of himself for letting himself go. He would have been even the
slightest of embarrassed and would have found a way to get cleaned up.

But not Bryan
’
s father.

Years ago, he could party and enjoy
himself and he didn
’
t look
all that bad. That
’
s how he
justified it then. Now he justified his looks and actions by thinking he was
teaching Bryan life lessons.

“
Do
you have a job yet?
”
Bryan
asked.

“
Are
you here to ask me questions or visit?
”

“
Maybe
both.
”

“
Here.
Come in, son.
”

Bryan stepped into the room and
felt his stomach turn. A man in his early fifties and all he had to show for
himself was half a room. A metal bed, a comforter, and nightstand. A clock. A
calendar and random papers tacked to the wall.

Bryan opened his mouth but was cut
off by another voice.

“
Bob,
who is it?
”

Bryan turned and felt his father
’
s arm go around his shoulder.
“
This is my son, Bryan. Look at
him. Good looking boy, huh?
”
His father nodded.
“
And,
uh, Bryan, this is my good pal, Willie.
”

“
Nice
to meet you,
”
Bryan said.

Willie stood from his bed, a thick
man with dark eyes that made Bryan shiver. He put his hand out, a stained black
hand, and Bryan took it. They shook for a few seconds.

“
Your
old man is a son of a bitch,
”
Willie said.
“
Glad he
’
s here though.
”

“
Good
to know,
”
Bryan said.

Willie turned and touched his leg.
He walked back to his bed and grabbed a small stack of books.
“
I
’
ll
go for a walk. Have a smoke. A drink. A book.
”

“
A
drink?
”
Bryan
’
s father asked.

“
Dammit,
Bob, what do you think I mean by that?
”
Willie said.
“
I ain
’
t touched the bottle in a year.
Six months longer than you.
”

“
What
’
s it like after a year?
”
Bryan
’
s father asked.

Bryan stepped away from his father.
The man stunk of body odor and stale aftershave. He looked around the room, at
Willie
’
s wall, and saw
almost the same set up.

“
After
a year,
”
Willie said,
“
I can still taste it. But that
’
s not why it tastes good, Bob.
”

“
Why
does it taste good?
”
Bryan
’
s father called out.

Willie opened the door and stood
for a second. Bryan felt uncomfortable and his blood already started to boil.
This was his father
’
s way
of giving him a life lesson, as if Bryan needed it. The brunt of the life
lessons had been dealt to Bryan at a young age. When kids were outside building
forts, Bryan paced the sidewalk, waiting for his father to come home. When kids
were begging their parents for a car, Bryan worked to save money to get out of
his house. Family dinners consisted of Bryan eating at a fast food restaurant.

“
It
tastes good,
”
Willie said,
“
and because it keeps the voices
quiet.
”

Willie tapped the side of his head
with a finger and left the room.

Bryan stood, trying to act like it
didn
’
t matter, and watched
as his father stared at him as though they needed the silence for the words to
sink in.

“
He
’
s a good man,
”
Bryan
’
s father said.
“
Just
such a hard life behind his eyes.
”

“
A
hard life,
”
Bryan
whispered.

“
Hey,
I know yours wasn
’
t a
picnic, but that doesn
’
t
mean you end up like Willie.
”

“
Am
I like him?
”
Bryan asked.
“
Or am I on my own, surviving.
”

Bryan
’
s
father put his hands up.
“
Fair
enough. I
’
m proud of you,
you know. Really proud. When I was your age...
”

“
Dad,
are you going to be normal this time?
”
Bryan asked.
“
Stay out of
trouble? Get a job?
”

“
I
have a goddamn job,
”
he
snapped at Bryan.

“
Doing
what?
”

“
I
got hooked up with Willie. Some part time construction work. Not much for now
but his boss told me if I keep a straight head he
’
ll
help me some more.
”

“
That
’
s good,
”
Bryan said.
“
Really
good.
”

“
It
’
s something, son. I
’
d like to get back on the road
though.
”

“
They
aren
’
t going to give you a
license for a long time.
”

His father rolled his eyes. He
touched his face. When he pulled his skin, he looked normal, almost like time
went backwards. But when he let his face go, his skin wrinkled and looked beat
up and scarred.

“
I
have a long road here,
”
his
father said.
“
But I didn
’
t want to talk about that stuff
right now, son. Okay?
”

“
Sure.
What did you want to talk about?
”

Bryan watched his father sit down
on the bed. The old springs cried out for a few seconds. Bryan found comfort on
the wall between two windows, with his arms folded. There were moments like
this that really hurt Bryan. A look of honesty flooded his father
’
s face and it tore at Bryan. Why
couldn
’
t it have always
been like this? Why couldn
’
t
it have been father and son? They never went fishing. They never went hunting. They
never watched movies. They never built forts. Nothing.

“
I
’
m doing good, son,
”
his father said.

“
I
hope so.
”

“
I
called you and wanted you to come so I could tell you that.
”

“
You
could have told me that over the phone,
”
Bryan said.

“
So
fast,
”
his father
whispered,
“
just like your
mother. I could never argue with her. She always had the next ten lines in her
head.
”

“
And
her next ten places to run to?
”

“
Son...
”

Bryan put a hand up.
“
It
’
s
okay. I
’
m not getting into
that.
”

“
Fair
enough.
”
His father cleared
his throat.
“
I just want
you to know that I am trying. I
’
m
doing okay here. I like this room better. I like talking to Willie. He
’
s been there too. Down, dark,
alone.
”

Bryan turned his head and looked at
Willie
’
s wall.

“
I
’
m glad they got you with someone
you can talk to,
”
Bryan
said.

“
Some
of these other people, son, are just lost. Too far gone. But I
’
m not. I
’
m still here. I just had some dumb luck...
”

Bryan snapped his head to look at
his father. He pushed from the wall and it took all his might not to attack his
father. Not to grab the man by his throat and throw him.

Dumb luck?

Is that what his father really
thought?

That it was dumb luck he took off,
became an alcoholic, got arrested all the time?

“
...
and terrible decision making,
”
his father added at the last possible second.
“
Don
’
t think for a second that I don
’
t understand this is my fault.
”

“
Good,
”
Bryan said.

There was no need for remorse.

“
When
I get out of here,
”
his
father said,
“
I mean, I
think about it. A lot. What life will be like. How I can survive. Where I can
go.
”

“
Well,
that
’
s part of life,
”
Bryan said, taking on the
parenting role.

“
Sure
it is,
”
he said.
“
Sure it is. They
’
ll help me get an apartment
here, when I get out. But I wasn
’
t
sure where you were living... or what you...
”

Bryan smiled. He didn
’
t actually mean to smile but it
was his initial reaction, being shocked by the words coming out of his father
’
s mouth.

“
You
want to live with me?
”
Bryan asked.
“
Is that where
this is going?
”

“
The
thought
’
s crossed my mind a
time or two.
”

“
Well,
let it cross three more times,
”
Bryan said.
“
You still have
a long way to go before you get out of here.
”

“
I
know that,
”
his father
snapped.
“
Dammit, son. I
know that.
”

Bryan turned and walked towards
Willie
’
s side of the room.
If he didn
’
t he feared he
’
d hurt his father. His own
father. And it didn
’
t
bother him one bit.

“
Christ,
Bryan,
”
his father called
out,
“
I
’
m doing what I can here. I
called you. I
’
m talking to
you now. I
’
m handling all
that
’
s in my lap.
”

Bryan touched Willie
’
s bed. He looked at the wall of
pictures and newspaper articles. Some of the articles were dated back ten
years. The articles were kind of about everything. Some were the arrest of what
Bryan assumed to be Willie - properly named William R. Reinilli. Others were
just plain random. A spring parade. A fireworks schedule. A car accident.
Lottery numbers from five years ago. Just articles on top of articles, none
making sense at all.

“
Did
you hear what I said, son?
”
his father called out.

“
I
don
’
t know,
”
Bryan said.
“
Not to shut you down, Dad, but I
’
m used to being told one thing
and having another happen. That
’
s
just my life.
”

“
Yeah,
I get it,
”
his father said.

Bryan saw a single picture on the
wall. Down near the bed as though Willie had put it there on purpose to look at
as he rested his head on his pillow. Something about the picture bothered
Bryan. It was an old picture, the edges worn, a horizontal crease where it had
been folded. A faded reflection of the face was on the bottom telling Bryan
that not only had the picture been folded but probably in a wallet or something
where moisture and heat allowed it to be transferred.

He shook his head, trying to
picture how someone like Willie could be as empty and lost as his father.