The Upside of Being Let Down (new adult romance - 1) (10 page)

I say tried, because the second I
was within his reach, Bryan grabbed me and turned me so I faced him. He stared
at me, holding my shoulders. He may have thought he was strong, but if I wanted
to get out of the hold, I would have. If wiggling wouldn
’
t work, I could kick him right in the balls.

But I didn
’
t.

I let him hold me there.

“
What
are you doing today?
”
he
asked.

“
Your
breath really stinks,
”
I
said.
“
You should brush
your teeth then come talk to me.
”

“
AJ...
”

“
Bryan...
”

“
You
don
’
t have to be afraid
around me,
”
he said.

I turned my head.

Dammit.

That was the last thing I really
needed to hear. Not to be afraid. Not to worry. Just to live care free like
nothing bad could ever happen. That didn
’
t
quite seem possible since I was more used to bad than good. Not that I
’
d complain, I just had my own
ways of dealing with it.

“
Don
’
t worry about it,
”
I said.
“
Don
’
t
you have work or something?
”

“
I
don
’
t work today,
”
Bryan said.
“
I come and go as I please.
”

I looked down at his pants.
“
Is that how you think of it?
Come and go?
”

“
Wait,
what?
”

When I looked at Bryan again, his
face was flushed.

“
I
would never,
”
Bryan said.
“
Is that what you...
”

“
You
’
re going to ruin it,
”
I said.

“
So
what then? Let me ruin it.
”

It was tempting, but I couldn
’
t stay away from reality
forever. I had enough to fix and clean up without trying to add Bryan to the
picture.

“
Listen,
I really appreciate you letting me stay here,
”
I said.

“
Well,
you kind of just took the place over,
”
he said and smiled.

“
I
was just making sure I was welcome.
”

“
You
were. You still...
”

“
Seriously,
Bryan, brush your teeth.
”

Bryan let my shoulders go and I
moved out of the way. He stepped to the bathroom and looked back at me.

“
Do
you want breakfast?
”
he
asked.
“
I can make you
something. Or we can head out and grab a bite. It
’
s
early enough.
”

“
Yeah,
it
’
s early,
”
I said. I blinked and had the
urge to cry.
“
Yeah. Okay.
Just... brush your fucking teeth, okay?
”

“
Sure
thing, AJ.
”

Bryan went into the bathroom and
closed the door.

I stood in one of those weird
moments in life. One of those moments that you know will somehow define you. A
moment that doesn
’
t just
have the potential to mean everything, it will mean everything.

The water ran and I had to make my
decision.

Well, the decision had already been
made, I just needed to follow through.

I looked around wondering if I
should write him a note. I saw a notebook on the table and a pen in the coiled
binding. I hurried and opened to a blank page and wrote. I shook as I wrote and
tears came to my eyes.

I had no idea why I was so upset.
It wasn
’
t that big of deal,
was it?

I needed a place to crash and a
nice guy helped me out. He didn
’
t
make it weird, he didn
’
t
take advantage of me. If anything, maybe I made a friend.

A friend.

I licked my lips and tasted the
morning sex.

I stopped.

I didn
’
t need to add to the note.

I needed to go.

I needed to face everything I had
done.

Bryan deserved more, better, even
if it meant I was the one now letting someone down.

(12)

Bryan stood at the sink with the
water running. He looked in the mirror. He told himself to turn the water off and
hurry to catch her. Maybe if he got her at the door he could grab her arm, spin
her around and kiss her. He could convince her to stay, to feel safe and
trusted. Bryan couldn
’
t
imagine things were that bad for AJ. Just a string of bad luck and bad decisions.
No big deal. Everyone went through times like that.

He touched the toothpaste.

He wasn
’
t going to brush his teeth.

If he did he wouldn
’
t be able to enjoy breakfast.

Letting AJ go was hard and it felt
dumb the entire time Bryan stood with water rushing down the drain. Bryan had
the urge to pee. As he did, he looked down at himself and it made him think of
AJ some more. He felt like a jerk thinking what he thought but he couldn
’
t help it. He and AJ had fun.
Lots of fun. When she had pulled at him and made his fingers touch her wetness,
he thought he was dreaming.

But it wasn
’
t a dream.

Never in his life had he had
someone wake him up for sex like that. And he just let her leave. Of course, AJ
didn
’
t know Bryan knew what
she was doing.

Bryan turned the water off and
stood for a few extra seconds. He wiped his face with a towel and made some
noise, hinting he was done. He opened the door and knew AJ had gone. As much as
he wanted to believe there was a chance AJ would stay, he knew better.

The apartment was empty.

Bryan walked to the door and opened
it, looking to the hallway. He took a deep breath hoping if he could smell AJ.
He couldn
’
t. He smelled the
dusty smell of the hall and whatever the hell his neighbor was trying to cook
for breakfast.

Back inside, Bryan saw that AJ had
left him a note. What he hoped for was her number. So he could at least text
her. But there was no phone number.

Just a note.

Three words.

Don
’
t ruin it!

Bryan touched the ink and shook his
head.

“
Don
’
t ruin it,
”
he whispered.

It aggravated him yet he understood
it. Whatever had brought AJ to his apartment was the reason she acted the way
she did. Worried. Confused. Mad. Things Bryan completely understood. He went
into his room and looked at his cell phone.

Nothing.

No calls.

No texts.

Nothing.

Which wasn
’
t a bad thing at all.

His mind shifted gears for a
second, hoping Chloe didn
’
t
get herself into trouble. It wasn
’
t
his problem and it remained that way since she didn
’
t text him again last night or this morning.

Perfect.

Bryan took his phone into the
kitchen and made breakfast. After eggs, bacon, and coffee, he was full and
wondering what to do on his Saturday. He didn
’
t
have to work until Monday. He supervised the landscaping for the largest golf
club in the area, a job that didn
’
t
seem great but paid insanely well. The owner of the golf club had begged Bryan
to leave school and take on more responsibility with the company, but Bryan
wanted to finish college. Just in case. He had worked hard in high school to
earn scholarships, including a football scholarship that he had to give up last
year when he hurt his knee. But he was so close to finishing college that he
wanted to wait before taking over the golf club.

If that
’
s what he wanted.

Bryan wasn
’
t sure.

Some days it seemed so bright and
easy.

Other days it felt processed.

Then again, did anyone really know
what they wanted?

Bryan jumped up from the table and
growled.

Saturday morning and he was sitting
around worrying about life. Thinking about school, money, his future.

That was part of the reason he
wanted AJ to at least stay for breakfast. He wanted to kill some time and
nothing seemed better than killing time with AJ. And not just because she had
sex with him - twice - but because she seemed to understand life.

Bryan ended up back in his bedroom
looking for some workout clothes. He could hit the gym for a little while and
burn off some energy and frustration. Then he could grab a shower and maybe call
Gary or Jeff. He was sure both would still be sleeping. Jeff would be trying to
sleep off a hangover that would come no matter what. And Gary would be sleeping
because he stayed up until the crack of dawn messing around with fantasy
leagues.

Once in shorts and a sleeveless
shirt, Bryan grabbed his phone and saw he had a missed call and voicemail.

“
What
the hell?
”
he asked.

He checked and saw it had been on
vibrate.

The call and voicemail wasn
’
t from AJ, even though Bryan
’
s heart raced for a few seconds,
wondering if somehow AJ was able to call him.

The voicemail was actually the
complete opposite of AJ in the sense of hope, feelings, and enjoyment.

It was a call and message from his
father.

Bryan put the phone down for a second
and shook his head. He had to listen to the voicemail. He had to probably call
his father, or at least go see him. How long had it been now? At least a week,
if not two.

Bryan grabbed his phone and
listened...

Heeeey Bryan. It
’
s your father. How are you?
Yeah, you can
’
t
answer because you didn
’
t
pick up. Just wanted to see how things were going. You know? Just, I don
’
t know, checking up on things.
Listen, I, uh, got moved into a different room here. NO, no, nothing bad
happened. Not like last time. I got moved to a different room. I have a
roommate. Nice guy. So, yeah, I sure as hell miss you, son. You can stop by
anytime. I mean, when you get some time. I know how it is... to be young and
have the world in your hand. Just don
’
t
be stupid, like me, son. You know? Have it all and give some away, lose some,
not care about the rest I guess. Eh, listen to me. Sorry about that, Bryan...

Bryan deleted the rest of the
message.

He heard enough.

“
Fuck,
”
Bryan said.

His father had ended up in a
halfway house six months ago after another run in with the law. Ten years ago
Bryan
’
s father came back
around. After disappearing for a long time, Bryan thought it was cool as
anything that his father came back. He came back with a hug, a tiny alligator
head for Bryan, and some crazy stories about living on the road. For all Bryan
knew, his father was the coolest guy in the world. That quickly came to an end
when he fell back into old habits. Again and again. Enough that it chased Bryan
’
s mother away for good when he
was sixteen. He literally woke one morning and she was gone. With a note
apologizing. Bryan tried to keep the note but his father burned it over the gas
flame of the stove.

That
’
s
when things went downhill some more. When Bryan left home for college, he had
the sense of freedom and peace he always wanted. However, more times than he
cared to remember, he had to help his father. Bail him out. Drive him around.
Deal with him drunk. And it all came to a climax six months ago after another
DUI arrest. This time his father tried to drive up an embankment and got stuck.
The car came close to rolling. He jumped out of the car and tried to climb the
hill but ended up falling and rolling down the hill where he was arrested.

Now his new home was a halfway
house. It seemed each time he got close to a potential release he did something
stupid and got in trouble. He got caught gambling once. He got caught trying to
sneak a small bottle of booze into his room. He told everyone it was just to
celebrate something. What that something was nobody knew. The last time he got
into a fight with someone. He would never tell Bryan what the fight was about
though.

Bryan
’
s
morning was ruined by the phone call.

Going to gym would do no good.

He
’
d
spend the entire time standing there, thinking about everything. Thinking about
AJ. Thinking about Chloe. Thinking about his father.

Thinking about his life.

Bryan retreated to the shower to
clean up and get ready to face his father.

After showering, Bryan dressed and
read AJ
’
s note a few more
times.

Don
’
t ruin it.

That meant quite a lot to Bryan.
Sometimes he considered just cutting all ties with his father, but it was
easier to think than to do. His father would drive him nuts and all Bryan
needed to do was see him a couple times a month. Plus, his father was the one
stuck in a halfway house, looking beat up and ten years older than he was. If
anything, Bryan tried to use the visits as a reminder of how fragile life is.

As he drove to the halfway house,
Bryan caught himself casually looking at everything he could. He expected to
see AJ somewhere. To see her car. But what kind of car did she drive?

Bryan pulled into the parking lot
of the halfway house and stared at the old building. People walked along the
side of the building, holding mugs of coffee and cigarettes. They all looked
like haggard skeletons. Shells of the humans they once were, struggling to beat
up bad demons once and for all. It tugged at Bryan
’
s heartstrings every time he saw it. It made him
then wonder what could have been so bad in his father
’
s life that it led him down this path. To this
place. Into this kind of life.

After checking his phone and
killing all the time he could, Bryan turned the car off and got out. When he
slammed the door, a few people looked at him.

A short, fat bald guy - named
Charles - lifted his coffee mug and smiled a toothless smile.

“
Hey,
Bryan!
”
he yelled.

Bryan waved and lowered his head.

He thought of AJ.

He wondered where she was, what she
was doing. He hoped she wasn
’
t
lost in a world of pain. He hoped she didn
’
t
feel used.

Beyond the hope of it all, he just
wished she would have stayed.

It was so much easier to face life
with someone who understood it.