The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (20 page)

              Online, you have access first to a picture and written description, then maybe a disembodied voice over the phone.  And then, if things go well, you may meet in person, at which point you know within the first 10 seconds whether things will move forward from that point on.  Most of the time, things don't go any further – after all that investment of time and effort and building of expectation.  Whereas had you met in person, the first 10 seconds would have been sufficient to make that judgment.

              The best way to approach online dating is the way to approach the rest of dating: by taking it lightly.  If you expect results and don’t get them, you can get disappointed.  The more disappointed you get, the more your spirit wears down. 

Since I don't ever want your spirit to wear down, I encourage you to avoid activities that involve a high risk of disappointment (e.g. online dating).  However, if you choose to brave the waters of online dating, here are some pointers from a man who knows what he and other men find appealing online:

Represent yourself accurately
.
  Ensure that everything you say about yourself – height, weight, age, occupation, location, etc – is accurate.  A man will only love you for who you are, not who you are not.  Any misrepresentations will come to light upon your first meeting, at which point you'll experience an irrecoverable loss of goodwill, regardless of how much rosy prelude you've been through.

              Have as many pictures of you as possible, with clear shots of your face and figure.  Make sure you play to your strengths (as discussed previously).  Get the shots done professionally if at all possible – they will be worth every penny. 

              There are many men out there who will like you for exactly who you are and the way you look right now.  The better an idea they have of how you look, the more likely they are to interact with you.  It’s obvious when someone's hiding something, and men will run from that.

Be specific about what you want.
  The more criteria you have for the kind of guy you want (without being hyper-picky), the more likely you are to find him.  It also cuts down on the amount of sifting you have to do through the responses, since the right men will self-select.  Be especially clear on your deal-breakers such as age, marital status, pets, children, ethnicity, and religious affiliation. 

Be relentlessly positive.
  Mention all the things that you
want
, not the things that you do not.  Negativity is as big a turnoff online just as it is in person.  Never air complaints.

Play to your strengths.
  Online you have the extraordinary opportunity to highlight your advantages – both in appearance and aspects of you that are not noticeable at first glance.  If you feel as if you're disadvantaged in the looks department (which is almost never true as much as you think), this is where you can talk up your other strengths – kindness, humor, cooking expertise, ability to knead him into a pliant pile of putty.  And if you're already getting too much of the wrong attention because of your appearance, you have a chance to emphasize other parts of you. 
How
you attract has everything to do with
whom
you attract. 

Use social networking tools to find common acquaintances.
  If you find you have common friends according to a social networking site, then he's more networked in and therefore a safer bet than before.  You may even be able to do some due diligence by asking questions from your common acquaintance.

Chapter 9. Meet

To initiate or not to initiate

              Approaching an unfamiliar member of the same species is an anxiety-provoking event across the animal kingdom.  Add this to the unwritten social edict not to approach men, and it becomes very rare indeed for a woman to say hi to a man first.

              It follows that if you are one of those rare women who is willing to initiate contact with a man, then you are in a position to meet many, many appreciative men.  Occasionally you will meet the man who does not welcome your approach for whatever reason (in which case it's a good time to remember again the second of the
Four Agreements
of Don Miguel Ruiz:
take nothing personally
).  However, the right kind of man – the man with heart and spine who has excellent self-esteem – will always appreciate your approach for many reasons.  It demonstrates your courage, strength, independence of spirit – and your good taste in men, since you've chosen him.  

              Here's the irony: researchers have shown that in the dating arena, women often
are
the initiators of contact – two-thirds of the time (Moore, 1985).  It's just that they're doing it unconsciously rather than deliberately, covertly rather than overtly, nonverbally rather than verbally.  A casual glance and a smile in the direction of a man, a flipping of the hair, a turning of the body towards him – these are the subtle but unmistakable invitations to the man indicating your openness to interact.  (Of course, after you've been married for years, he'll tell the story of how
he
was the one who got it all started – cute.)

              Psychologist Monica Moore observed over 200 women at a party and categorized their successful moves to initiate interaction (technically known as their
nonverbal solicitation signals
).  She found 52 of them, some of which I list here in order of frequency of occurrence at the party:

• Smiling at him broadly (most common by a huge margin)

• Throwing him a short, darting glance

• Dancing alone to the music

• Looking straight at him and flipping hair

• Keeping a fixed gaze on him

• Looking at him, tossing head, then looking back

• "Accidentally" brushing up against him

• Nodding at him

• Pointing to a chair and inviting him to sit

• Tilting head and touching exposed neck

• Licking lips during eye contact

• Primping while keeping eye contact with him

• Parading close with exaggerated hip movement

• Asking for his help with something

• Tapping something to get his attention

• Patting his buttocks

              What Moore found was that the more frequently a woman signaled, the more likely she was to get a positive outcome.  In fact, the frequency of signaling overrode physical attractiveness as a success factor.  In other words, a high-signaling woman of average attractiveness was much more likely to be approached than a prettier but low-signaling counterpart.

Use the tiered approach

              So let me make this clear: your job in getting the ball rolling is to broadcast receptivity to his approach early and often. Your receptivity is the feminine yin function which allows the masculine yang function of action to manifest.  The man's job is to perceive your receptivity signals on his mental radar.  In case a man misses these signals, you can escalate the signal from the subtle to the more obvious until he gets it.  The
tiered approach
involves simply observing what these signals are, then using them deliberately, progressing from the covert to the overt until you make contact or ascertain a lack of interest.              

              Here's a suggested sequence for the tiered approach.  Feel free to improvise and expand on it, since you are already far better at this than I will ever be.  If the first step doesn't yield the results you want, escalate to the next one until you
do
get the results you want.  And remember – discovering that the man is a poor fit for you is also a positive result, since it means you can now focus your energies elsewhere:

1) Start by turning your body towards him, especially your knees, and smiling at him broadly.  Supplementing this with mild hair-twirling amplifies the effect.  In this day and age, most guys know that hair-twirling = flirtation.

2) Throw occasional glances in his direction without actually making eye contact.  If you are in his field of vision and he's even remotely interested, he will notice this.

3) Next level of escalation is to look him directly in the eye.  A friendly smile to go along with it is the most inviting.  A challenging look – the come hither look, bedroom eyes, whatever you want to call it – may be too much for most men and scare them away.  Remember, you just want to get a conversation started, not to have him abduct you to his cave. 

4) Next is to initiate conversation.  Many women ask, "Well, what do I say to him?", and the simple answer is:
absolutely anything
.  When a woman initiates the conversation with a man, a guy instinctively knows she is showing interest, and he
will
pick up that ball and run with it.  And if he does not, then clearly he's not the right man.  We’ll talk about this more in the next section. 

5) Touch him 'accidentally'.  It's virtually impossible not to get some kind of response out of a man if you bump into him, so if you're bold enough to use this technique, it has a very high success rate. 

6) Wave at him, or wave him over.  If you're feeling daring, this will get a positive response out of a man if he's interested even in the least.

7) If none of these work, just grab him by the collars and plant a big smooch on his lips.  If that still doesn't work, congratulations – you have done your part.  Feel free to focus your attentions elsewhere.

How to help men approach you

              In addition to the tiered approach (remember to smile!), here are some guidelines that will enhance your chances of being approached, especially by a Good Guy:

Have a distinguisher.
  Guys are dying for an excuse to talk to you – so give them one!  A distinguisher is simply an item that is likely to get noticed, setting you apart from the crowd.  A fancy brooch, a funny t-shirt, a pink ribbon in your hair, a flower above your ear, a fancy gadget, an intriguing book, seed for the pigeons – these are all perfectly legitimate distinguishers.  Remember, the distinguisher is supposed to make it easier for a guy to approach, not harder.  Accentuating your cleavage may get you noticed more but not approached more.  Which brings us to...

Dress to the sevens, not the nines.
  Dress your sexy best, but not overwhelmingly so.  Even confident guys can lose their bearings when overwhelmed with much skin, cleavage and leg.  Also, Good Guys tend to be a little intimidated by (and wary of) really glammed-up women, while the players will fearlessly march forward.  By dressing to the sevens, you also leave a little room for turning up the dial later when there's a real date.

Go out in groups of three women or less.
  It takes a particularly courageous man to dive straight into a gaggle of stylish women and just start talking to one of them.  Even really outgoing guys get intimidated doing that – it just doesn't look like a welcoming setup.  Besides, the more women there are in a group, the less attention any one of them can get.  So why willfully reduce your chances?  Go out with one or two girlfriends maximum. 

Don't go out with guy friends.
  Unless your guy buddy is an exceptionally adept wingman, I would advise against going out with him with the intention of meeting other men.  Especially if he's good-looking.  If I see you with a guy, I will assume he is your boyfriend, brother or protector unless proven otherwise.  Which means that I'm much more likely to speak to a woman without a bodyguard.  If you are going to step out with your guy buddy anyway, make it clear through body language and distance that he's not an impediment to other men's approach.

Situate yourself in an accessible place.
  Let's say you're in the corner of an art gallery, with your back to the wall, chatting with three of your friends.  Under those conditions, it's almost physically impossible for a guy to approach you without being intrusive.  Same goes for sitting at tables in clubs, having your back to the men who'd like to meet you, or clinging too tight to the people you came with. 

Wear shoes that are comfortable
and
look good.
  I know you love your shoes, and they make you feel sexy and empowered – chest forward, butt out, calves flexed, thighs tight, more height.  And nobody's asking you to turn into a frump here.  But consider this: there's no better way to wipe a smile off your face than having your feet in pain –
all night long
.  And a frown on your face just makes it that much harder for a guy to say hi. 

              With shoes that are killing your feet, you're also robbing yourself of the chance of a dance or walk that could make the evening.  Your mobility and flexibility empower you more than 3 inches added to your height and a hobbled gait.  And when you willfully take away your own ability to walk more than three steps, you will most likely irritate even the most gallant of men – trust me on this count.

              Uncomfortable shoes, no matter how hot they make you look, tend to take away more options than they give you (and guys couldn't care less what brand they are).  And they kind of beat up your body.  For an evening, pick shoes that look good
and
feel good.