The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (8 page)

              This is the independence stage.  Although this kind of relationship is a progression from the first, much of the polarity is lost in the feminizing of the man and the masculinizing of the woman.  Such relationships tend to fall flat after a while, and may very well be part of the reason behind the high divorce rates nowadays.  The man in this kind of relationship has a lot more heart than the first-stage fellow; however, in the process, he has lost much of his spine. 

              The third stage relationship is between the man as a spiritual warrior and the woman as a fully-realized goddess.  Here, the man is able and willing to take the woman deeper into her feminine essence than she could by herself.  And the woman, in turn, is able to guide the man deeper into his life's purpose than he could by himself.  I call this the stage of mutual flourishing.  The man in this kind of relationship has both heart and spine, both compassion and unwavering purpose.  He is the combination of the best elements of the man from the Stage 1 and Stage 2 relationships.  Notice also that in this stage, compared to Stage 1, both the man and the woman are adept at taking on the complementary energy (yin for men, yang for women) while the guy majors in masculine and the girl majors in feminine.   

The kind of guy you would want

              Now that we've discussed the types of relationships that are possible with a man, it's easier to create a picture of the kind of man who would fit in that picture.  As we said before, you're much more likely to find something if you have a good idea of what you're looking for.  Throughout this book, we're going to talk about a prototype of a man with whom you're most likely to have a fulfilling relationship.  He's the fellow from the Third Stage relationship we described above – the spiritual warrior, the man with both compassion
and
purpose, heart
and
spine.  For short, henceforth I will call him the
Good Guy
, and we shall spend some time describing him in detail during the course of this book – things that will aid you in spotting him and inviting him into your life. 

              Now as you are sitting somewhere and reading this book, my dear reader, I don't really know you that well.  However, I assume that if you’ve taken it upon yourself to pick up this book, you are interested in a fulfilling relationship.  Fulfillment comes in many shapes and sizes, and the
Tao of Dating
is about giving you the tools to find that fulfillment, regardless of your starting point.  Roughly speaking, we'll categorize relationships into three categories by duration – short, medium and long-term – and see how each guy fits in.  Regardless of what constitutes your fulfillment, it helps if you enter into each kind of relationship consciously, knowing roughly what to expect.

Short-term relationships (also known as 'flings')
.
This is the kind of relationship you enter without expecting it to last long.  It could be anything from an evening's encounter to a one-week vacation romance to a summer-long fling.  The distinction here is your mindset: you are entering this relationship with few expectations as to long-term potential. 

              For this kind of relationship, any of the three kinds of men will probably do. However, there are ramifications.  The first-stage guy, masculine but not very heart-centered, is the one you're most likely to have fun with while managing a clean break at the end.  We'll call him Biff.  The second-stage guy – the sensitive guy, whom we will dub Lance – is the one most likely to be hurt at the end.  He'll probably try to keep in touch, calling and writing to tell you how much he misses you and how much you mean to him.  This could be sweet but annoying at the same time.  The third-stage guy – both strong and compassionate, whom we will call Victor – can handle whatever happens just fine.  However,
you
will be more likely to be hurt at the end, realizing how much he meant to you and wanting more from him than he may be able to offer. 

Medium-term relationships (also known as 'serious relationship' or 'boyfriend')
.
There comes a time when you want to be with a man for the long term, but not necessarily forever.  You're ready for a lease, but maybe not a full purchase – a boyfriend, but not a husband.  You're not necessarily entering the relationship thinking, "Well, this is going to last a few months and then I'll be moving along," but in effect that's what it is. 

              Starting with this kind of relationship, it's best to toss out the Stage 1 guy
completely
.  Biff is at best a dessert, enjoyed sparingly; he is
never
a main course.  If you substitute dessert for real, nutritious food on a regular basis, you
will
be unhappy and unhealthy, which is precisely the effect of having a Biff in your life long-term. 

              The Stage 2 guy – Lance – is fine for this kind of relationship.  You have (and will have) many joyous, fulfilling relationships with Lance.  Just be aware that the full flourishing of you will probably not occur with a Lance, and so turning him into a marriage prospect, as sensible as it may seem at the moment, is likely to be a formula for long-term disappointment.  And we're all about enlightened self-interest here, which has your
long-term
fulfillment in mind.  He just may not be ready for you – ever.

              Finally, there's Victor, the Stage 3 guy.  He would be great for this kind of relationship (or any kind, really).  The only issue is that if you're not on the market for marriage, you may not be ready for
him
.  Reverse disappointment is still disappointment, and teasing yourself with this amazing guy with whom you can't stay (for whatever reason) is something to consider.

Long-term relationships (also known as 'marriage' or 'life partnership').
  For this kind of relationship, I can only recommend the Stage 3 man.  You are long done with Biff, you can handle Lance fine but he can't handle you, and now you're ready for the real thing.  Although there are probably more Lances and Biffs than Victors, there are are still plenty of Victors out there, so keep an eye out for them.  The good news is that many Lances have the capacity to turn into Victors, especially when they are in relationship with a fully-realized goddess (that would be you).  If anything has the power to transform, it is love, so take heart.

Chapter 5. Understanding Men, Understanding Yourself

              The purpose of this chapter is to give you some general insight into men's dating behavior.  After reading it, you may still not be able to predict guy behavior, but you'll have an outside chance of understanding it instead of being baffled by it.

              Note that there are as many different types of men as there are males inhabiting this planet – about 3.2 billion of them so far.  Attempting to boil down this exceptionally diverse cohort into a handful of tidy generalizations would be an oversimplification that does disservice to both you and the men.  As Voltaire once said, "All generalizations are false, including this one."  It's still best to examine each male specimen that comes along your way on a case-by-case basis.

              At the same time, there are some principles that hold true about male behavior most (but not necessarily all) of the time.  To paraphrase Shylock from Shakespeare's
The Merchant of Venice
, if you prick them they will bleed, if you tickle them they will laugh, and if you stand them up for a date they will be seriously bummed out. Men are people, too. 

              Subsequent to a spate of popular psychology books from the 1990s, the myth that men and women behave so differently as to be from different planets seems to have taken hold in the public imagination.  Like most myths, these differences have not been supported by scientific evidence.  As far as I can tell, men are from Earth and women are, too, and human beings are much more similar than they are different, regardless of sex.  In fact, the behavioral and communicational differences between individual women (and between individual men) will be far greater than the differences between men and women as a group. 

              That said, there
are
some differences between the way men and women are built.  Some of these differences have behavioral ramifications, and entire books have been written on the subject (see Pease & Pease).  This book you are reading is about dating, so I will concentrate on what's relevant to that. 

              What's important here is to be
cognizant
of the differences.  This is the first step towards understanding and perhaps tolerating what you may perceive as men's quirks.  Remember – if almost all men exhibit a certain behavioral pattern, then it's not just a quirk.  It's just the way they are, just part of the Tao.  And, as some wise person once said, first seek to understand, then to be understood.  So, from an actual guy to you, let's find out how we tick.

Why men are so damn horny

              A fair amount of evidence points to men wanting sex and seeking it out far more often than women.  During the few hundred thousand years that human beings evolved on the savannah, sexual activity for a woman could potentially result in pregnancy, with its concomitant investment of resources, reduced mobility, and risk of death during childbirth.  In comparison, the cost of sexual activity for a male is a few milliliters of semen which he can regenerate in short order.  And, should there be a pregnancy, he’s not the one who has to carry and raise the child. 

              A simple way to understand the difference between male and female reproductive strategies is to answer this question for yourself: what is the maximum number of children a man and a woman could have in a year if each had sex with a different person every day?  It becomes immediately obvious that, in the genetic lottery, a man stands to gain a lot more from having multiple partners.  Hence the difference in sexual behavior.

              That said, women are horny, too.  A famous diagram of sex drive (see Pease & Pease) shows that men's sex drive peaks in their teens and early twenties, then steadily declines.  Women's, on the other hand, rises steadily (always less than that of the men) until the late thirties and early forties, when it surpasses men's sex drive.  Perhaps that's where the expression 'dirty thirties' comes from. 

              Taoist philosophy says that one of the keys to living a good life is to observe the way the world is and then to flow with it, as opposed to trying to shoehorn the world into some notion of how you think it
should
be.  These notions manifest in various forms: religion, culture, local custom, family upbringing, fad, trend.  My definition of pain is
wishing the world to be different than it is.
  So, to avoid pain in your relationships with men, it's good to observe human sexuality and the patterns that have emerged over thousands of years and work
with
them, not against them.  You don't have to like the way it is, but you can at least make your peace with it.

Pain is wishing the world to be different than it is.

Making your peace with monogamy (or absence thereof)             

              Primatologists have measured the ratio of testicle size to body weight in various primates and observed an interesting correlation.  Species with a high testicle-to-body-weight ratio, such as chimpanzees and bonobos, tend to be more promiscuous than species with a lower ratio, such as gorillas (who have sex maybe once a year). 
Homo sapiens
fits somewhere in between chimps and gorillas, which would predict that we humans would be chiefly monogamous with some excursions outside the pair bond.  Studies bear out what literature, history and our own experience hint at being true: both human males and females are inclined to engage in what anthropologists call
extra-pair couplings
, even within the context of a monogamous relationship.  Although both genders stray, men do it at a higher rate than women.

              Strict monogamy is quite rare in the entire animal kingdom and may not exist at all
[4]
.  And until recently, polygamy seems to have been more common than not.  Historically men were involved in aggression and war, and each battle reduced their numbers.  This led to a perennial shortage of men, making polygamy an effective survival strategy for the tribe so the widows were taken care of.  Thus it makes sense that one study showed a slight majority of human cultures studied all over the globe to be polygamous in nature. 

              Men have extra-pair couplings, and so do women.  A study conducted in England by zoologist Robin Baker between 1988 and 1996 revealed that the biological fathers of 10% of the population were not whom they expected it to be.  So be careful the next time you call someone a bastard.  You may be closer to the truth than you think.

              Another study involving women rating the attractiveness of male faces showed an interesting result.  The women in the study usually preferred the more feminine-looking male faces except for when they were ovulating.  During that time, they had a marked preference for the more masculine-looking faces.  This may mean that, depending on time of the month, women pick different sex partners for different purposes: the more nurturing-looking ones for raising the family, and the more rugged-looking ones for sexy genes to pass on to their offspring.