The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (22 page)

              When it comes to dealing with men, if you feel you may have been rejected, instead of thinking “That guy must not really like me” or “I must be an awful person,” try thinking this: “I never get rejected – I only find out which men have excellent taste.  And if he says no, he has done me a great service by saving me time and effort.”  Notice how with this re-frame, you can actually
feel good
about rejection and use the event as a positive impetus to meet even better men.

              Here’s an example of re-framing dealing with a common dating situation: a man takes his sweet time to call you, either after taking your number or after a first date.  A neutral interpretation of the situation would be to imagine that he dropped his phone in a bucket of water and lost your number.  A negative interpretation would be that he didn’t think you had chemistry.  A positive interpretation would be that he was so overwhelmed by your charm, elegance and beauty that he’s too intimidated to call you. 

Each of these three situations have happened to me and probably to many other men, so they’re not entirely fictional.  Yet notice how your reaction to them is different.  So feel free to pick the neutral or positive re-frame henceforth.

The other powerful reframe you can use is to imagine each approach not as an opportunity for success or failure, but as a chance to
see what happens
.  Approach the situation not with a do-or-die mentality, but rather with endless curiosity.  A time-honored saying in NLP is that there is no failure – only feedback.  And since
something
is going to happen 100% of the time, you are
guaranteed
feedback and cannot possibly fail!  I find this reframe to be one of the most powerful.  It just enlivens the dating process (or anything else in life, for that matter).  It provides the motivation to open yourself up to wonder and to imagine what that gift-wrapped box of possibility holds as you just wait to see what happens next.  Always remember that dating is supposed to be fun.

Chapter 10. Attract

You have an unfair advantage – use it!

              I have good news for you: you are a lucky woman.  Why?  Because you're a woman!  In the mating dance, men are the pursuers and you the pursued.  And you already possess
all
the necessary gifts to attract men into your life.  In fact, you are custom-made to make pretty much any man fall for you.  It's simply a matter of awakening those gifts to bring into your life the kind of man who fulfills you.             

The three components of attraction

              I like to think of attraction as happening at three levels: that of head, heart and genitals (or mind, spirit and body).  These correspond to three chakras, or energy centers, from Hindu philosophy (
ajni
,
anahata
and
swadisthana
, respectively).  Ideally, you would want a man with whom you can connect at the level of all three chakras.  Hence, it makes sense to cultivate your attractiveness at each of those levels.

              Another reason why it's important to cultivate all three chakras is this: the kind of fish you catch has everything to do with the kind of bait you use.  If you use your sensuality and sexuality as bait, you're likely to end up with a man who's interested only in your body.  If you primarily connect with men intellectually, you may end up with a guy who's great to talk to but isn't compatible with you physically. And a super-sensitive guy who's all heart may not be all that fun to talk to.

              So strike a balance between your head, heart and body and give attention to all three.  All great, lasting relationships will have a strong connection at all three levels. 

              What we will emphasize in this chapter is femininity – how to cultivate the yin aspect (or, if we want to be consistent with our Eastern philosophical systems, the
shakti
energy) at each of those three chakras.  Since most of the men you encounter will have a masculine essence, they will be attracted to the feminine in you.  The more you practice femininity, the more you will draw men to you like honeybees to a flower.

              There lies enormous power in these practices.  If you do them well, you will have the capability to entice any number of men out there.  However, with power comes responsibility, so remember the principle of enlightened self-interest: what's best for you in the
long term
tends to be the best course of action right now.  Becoming the temptress that cuts a mile-wide swath of destruction through the hearts of men will likely cause you much inconvenience in the long run. Have fun, and use your powers judiciously. 

              If some of these practices seem foreign or too feminine and you'd rather reside more in your masculine essence, consider this.  Have you ever met a man who is super-sensitive, indecisive and passive?  Essentially, a man who just struck you as really effeminate?  How attractive did you find that?  How
annoying
did you find that?  Rest assured that a man finds an excessively masculine woman just as unappealing.  So in your intimate relations with men, go easy on the masculine energy.  As Williamson said, major in the feminine and minor in the masculine.  We love you because you're a woman, so go ahead and be a woman.  We guys think it's kind of hot.

Attract with your physical presence

              Men are attracted to your radiance.  Now everyone knows radiance when they see it, but what is it exactly?  It's difficult to describe.  My best explanation is that it's life force itself.  People coming out of an exercise class radiate.  Kids radiate.  Animals in the wild radiate.  The kind of radiance you possess as a woman is all of that, and a lot more.  It contains a sexual element, a promise of communion, and the very light of god.  It is what men crave.

              If you wish to be radiant, project
sensuality
.  Sensuality means engaging with your senses.  Actively see, hear, taste, smell, and most of all,
feel
.  When you fully inhabit your body, own your sexuality and feel the full force of your femininity, you radiate.  There is nothing more attractive to a man than a woman in full possession of her femininity.  Just thinking about it makes them swoon.

              You can find entire books and seminars devoted to sensuality.  For a quick introduction, I heartily recommend
The Sensuous Woman
by "J".  It is a slim volume and very easy to read, and its practices can completely transform your life within the hour or two it takes to read it.  Since "J" wrote the book in 1969, some of its references may seem outdated, but the premise is timeless: when you choose to become a sensuous woman, few men can resist you.  She has 10 sensuality exercises in that book, and you would do well to practice all ten. 

              The next exercise is inspired by that book.  You can do all of it or as much of it as you have time for.  It's one of the most important, transformative exercises in the whole book, so even if you've skipped all the other exercises so far,
do this one
.

Exercise 17.  Cultivate your sensuality.

This exercise works best right before going to bed.  Make your bed with fresh sheets.  Sprinkle it with some perfume or essential oils.  Make sure the room is sufficiently warm.  Prepare some music that you find soothing and romantic.  Turn out the lights and put on some candles. 

              Now go take a bath (or shower, if you don't have access to a tub).  Don't use a washcloth – wash yourself with your bare hands.  Do it slowly, and pay close attention to the sensation of your hands on your body.

              As you soak in the water, pay attention to everything that you hear, see, feel and smell.  How does the water temperature feel on your body?  What does the soap smell like?  How does the sloshing of the water sound?  Really engage with your senses as much as possible.  You'll find that this will clear your thoughts and relax you tremendously.

              When you feel sufficiently relaxed, get out of the bath and blot yourself dry with a towel, gently, slowly, as if you're a priceless jewel.  Now put on the music and get in the fresh sheets (yes, you're still naked).  Notice how they feel on your skin and the smell that they have.

              Next, close your eyes and pay attention to your breath.  Imagine that sensuality and pleasure have a color.  What color would that be?  Imagine that you're breathing that color into your lungs with each inhalation.  With each

exhalation, breathe that color into your body, starting with your feet.  Breathe two breaths of pleasure into your toes, your sole; then your calves and shins; knees and thighs; buttocks and groin; torso and chest; arms and hands; head and neck.  Wiggle each body part a little as you breathe that pleasurable color into it. 

              If you haven't already put on some music, do so now.  Now feel your whole body tingly and energized as a result of breathing into it.  Wiggle all your body parts again and start moving to the music.  Now rise and dance to the music as if you're Salome dancing for King Herod.  If it feels strange to you, then you're doing it right.  Close your eyes and imagine that a throng of men are utterly entranced by looking at you.  Sway, undulate.  Move your hips.  Run your fingertips over your skin.  Let the music move through you like a river of pleasure as you feel your whole body come alive, inside and out. 

              When you feel like you are the very shining goddess of sensuality, you can turn off the music, crawl into bed and get some well-deserved, soothing sleep with a big smile on your face.

Have fun while you transform

              I wrote this book for a simple reason: I want you to win.  I want to see you beaming from ear to ear because you are with the dream guy whose company makes you deliriously happy.  I want to give you advantages that put you head and shoulders above all the other women out there who haven't read this book.  So have fun doing the practices.  You’ll get a lot more out of the book that way, and a real shot at transformation.

              You bought this book because you wanted change in your life.  I absolutely know you can do it.  I believe in you.  Your sensuality is like any other skill: you get better at it the more you practice.  So let’s roll up your sleeves and have some fun with this stuff, shall we?  Here are some ideas to get you started on your sensuality practice. 

Do yoga.
  I have always said that yoga is the single most transformative practice I have taken up as an adult.  It makes your body strong and flexible, it focuses your mind, and it calms your spirit. It also makes you glow.  Ever seen a group of yogis coming out of a challenging class?  They all look like human beacons. 

              Of all the forms of exercise I've engaged in, yoga has been the one that has made me most body-aware.  It's a whole-body, whole-mind practice.  So if you don't already do yoga, give it a try.  If you already do yoga, work your way to the most vigorous class and make sure you practice it three times a week; twice at the very minimum.  If you don't have a yoga studio nearby, do it at home by following a recorded program.  I recommend the work of Baron Baptiste.   

              If taking yoga classes is simply not in the cards for you, do regular vigorous exercise.  Athletes glow with vitality, and vitality is the same as sexiness.

Dance regularly and take dance classes
.
  So much of modern living is sedentary that people forget that the human body is designed to move.  There is no better way to reconnect with your sensuality than to dance, since it fully engages all five of your senses and takes you out of your head.

              Dancing alone is fantastic, but what can truly amplify your sensuality and femininity is partnered dancing.  This type of dancing cultivates the masculine-feminine dynamic as you learn to relax into your partner's lead and really enjoy that.

              Specifically feminine forms of dance, such as belly dancing, are also great ways of cultivating feminine sensuality through movement.  As a man, I can tell you that the way a skilled belly dancer moves her hips, undulates, shimmies, gazes coyly and uses her whole body as a symphony of sensuality is irresistible.  A woman who can move like that has enormous power over men. 

              Notice that all of these practices are their own reward.  Even if taking yoga or dance classes do not bring you a great man, your life will still be richer and more fun because of engaging in them. 

              Also notice that these practices aren't teaching you anything that you don't already know.  They are merely unveiling the sensuality within.  A story about the Coen Brothers movie
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
illustrates this point.  There's a scene in the movie in which three river-sirens are supposed to tempt the three chain-gang men (played by George Clooney, John Turturro and Tim Nelson).  The women asked Joel Coen, the director, what they should do.  Joel gave them a two-word instruction: "Beckon them."  Apparently, that's all they needed to hear.  If you've viewed the scene, the women undulate, soften their gaze, lower their eyes, tilt their necks, look at the men sideways, push forward their chest, touch themselves strategically and do an altogether fine job of beckoning.  To see for yourself, you can look up that scene online right now.

              Do you know how to beckon a man?  Oh yes you do.  The more important question is, when was the last time you used that skill?  And why so long ago?  Use what your mama gave you.

Attract him with your mind

              You are a smart woman.  How do I know that?  Because you bought this book!  Kidding aside, I wrote this book specifically for smart women like you.  Which is why some of you may find what I'm going to say next a bit challenging.