The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (18 page)

Conversation-friendliness:
Since men are primarily attracted through the eyes, you have an advantage in a loud venue since they can still see you.  However, to evaluate
him
, you want to be able to hear what he has to say, and for the courtship to progress at all, you need to be able to hear one another.  So ask yourself whether a particular venue is suitable for carrying on a conversation.  Quieter places are generally better.  Loud clubs and bars generally are not, but sometimes their quieter patios or balconies can work.  Bookstores and coffee shops are much better. 

Community:
There is pre-existing rapport when some common thread of interest connects a group together.  The more specific the thread and the greater effort people have made to come to the venue, the stronger the rapport, and the easier time you will have making contact.  Talking to people watching a game at a bar is likely to be a fleeting interaction, whereas the people you meet at a conference in Buenos Aires on emperor penguins may become lifelong friends.

Continuity:
  Stationary people are easier to meet than those in motion.  The longer people tend to stay at a given venue, the easier it is to meet them.  Continuity can also develop over longer periods of time.  There is built-in familiarity with a man you see three times a week at the gym which makes it easier to meet him.

              Apply the 3 Cs to the various places you spend time over the course of a week.  Then decide to spend more time at the places that score higher on this scale.  Every minute of your life that you spend doing one thing is to the exclusion of doing something else that could be more rewarding.  Economists call this
opportunity cost
.  You want to minimize your opportunity cost by making sure you spend time in places that optimize your meeting potential.  This means fewer bars and nightclubs (low on all three Cs) and more book readings (high on all three), coffee houses, and group events with friends. 

              On the balance, you are better served by places that facilitate the connection process, not hinder it.  Using the foregoing standard, you can assess how worthwhile a given venue is and apportion your time accordingly.

Opportunity cost means that every minute you spend doing one thing is to the exclusion of doing something else that could be more rewarding.

The optimal venues for meeting quality men

              One of the most frequent questions I get from women is, "Where are all the good men?"  The answer is that the good men, like the good women, are everywhere.  However, there are good places to meet these men, and there are even better places to meet them.  The best venues are those that score high on the Three Cs scale, because these are the places where you have an opportunity to make an accurate assessment about the men you meet. 

              Extraordinary results require extraordinary measures.  So if some of these places or events seem unfamiliar or beyond your comfort zone, that is a good sign.  Remember that in life,
everything
that you want is outside of your comfort zone.  Because if something is inside your comfort zone, it's either something you already have or something so trivial as to be undesirable: you don't
want
something you already have.  So in order to get what you
want
but don’t yet have, you have
no choice
but to venture outside of your comfort zone.

This venturing could be literal, as in going to a new neighborhood or museum, or it could be metaphorical, as in throwing a party at your apartment when you've never done so before.  Either way, I encourage you to enjoy the experience of expanding your comfort zone and recognizing that discomfort is often the surest sign of growth.

Everything you
want
is outside of your comfort zone.

              The following are some venues that not only score very well on the Three Cs scale, but also have a highly filtered male clientele.  While some of them have a male-to-female ratio that may seem undesirable at first glance, remember three things. 

              First, you would rather be at a place where there are only a few men with lots of potential than in a place where there are many men with little potential (like a sports bar).                Second, with the willingness and ease that you will have in meeting men through the principles of
The Tao of Dating
, you will be far ahead of the women at any venue who are less willing to initiate contact with men.  If there is only one man in the room whom you want to meet, you still have to make the effort to meet him, regardless of whether there are zero women in the room or ninety-nine.  So if you're the only woman who is willing to put in the effort, it's effectively as if you're alone with the man. 

              Third, think abundance.  There is no competition; there is only opportunity.  And there are millions upon millions of men out there, a good number of whom are worthy of your companionship.  Remember: you are attending these events because they are intrinsically worthwhile.  Going there primarily to meet men is broadcasting to the world that there is something missing from your life.  It's not.  Your life is complete.  At the same time, you are aware of the opportunities for companionship, fun and fulfillment that the world is presenting to you.

              One more thing.  Some of the venues and events listed below may strike you as infrequent or one-offs, and they are – like plane rides and weddings.  But, as Nassim Taleb discusses in his book
The Black Swan
, improbable events often have a disproportionately large impact.  So be prepared for them.

That said, let's see where these worthy men can be found:

1) Dinner parties.
  This is by far the best place you can meet a man.  Why?  First of all, it scores very highly on the Three Cs. The venue (usually a private residence) is bound to be conversation-friendly; there is continuity in that all of you are spending several hours together; and there is a high degree of community in that all of you were invited to the party and have at least one friend in common.  Weddings and the like also fall in this category.

There are many reasons why dinner parties are quite possibly the best way to meet men.  First off, the sense of community engendered by the fact that you've all been invited by one person (you or the organizer) enables good conversation.  Second, if you are the hostess, it is a fantastic showcase for your talents as an entertainer and cook.  Do not underestimate the power of the hostess.

Most importantly, the men at these dinner parties are going to be
networked-in
.  This means that they are already embedded within a network of friends and link back to you through that.  The importance of this cannot be overestimated.  A networked-in man is much less likely to behave poorly than a complete outsider, because he's aware that his actions carry consequences.  Moreover, you (or your friend) have hand-picked these men to be present at your party.  Most men would travel any distance for a home-cooked meal.  Add to that the potential of meeting fabulous single women hand-picked by you, and the invitation becomes practically irresistible. 

              A dinner party is a deliberate affair requiring planning and effort.  But as with all things, you get out of your dating life what you put into it: results are commensurate with effort.  Although making a dinner party happen will take time and money, so do all those nights out and all those dinner dates for which you spent time and effort getting ready and showing up.  The good news is that a dinner party is bound to give you a much higher return on your investment of time and effort.

              A note on weddings: everything that we said about dinner parties is generally true about weddings, too.  Add to that the fact that everyone is bound to look their best, and good feelings are running high in the celebratory atmosphere.  The high alcohol consumption and vacation mentality tends to jump-start things.  Also, beware of the temptation of starting a long-distance relationship with the handsome groomsman.  If you want to have a fun little fling, that's fine.  But know that thinking that you can perpetuate that into a full-fledged long-distance relationship is more often than not a ticket to frustration, which is the opposite of fulfillment.  Just remember that the long-distance caveat applies.

2) Conventions, seminars and fairs.
  These events all score very high on the Three Cs, especially on the community aspect.  If you have all traveled and paid to attend an event, chances are you have a tremendous amount in common already.  Because of the intense nature of these events and the fact that you're spending so much time together in a short span, friendship and familiarity can build very quickly, providing a foundation for future interactions.  Additionally, the men are more networked in than the average stranger, since you are all bound to be in the same professional field or community of interest. 

3) Gallery openings.
  Every week, local publications like the
LA Weekly
or
Village Voice
(NYC) list several gallery openings ranging from the avant-garde to traditional.  These events rate high on all three Cs, are usually free, and often have free drinks and food.  Young, intelligent, artistically-inclined men frequent these openings, and discussing the art is a natural way to get the interaction started. 

4) Book readings and lectures.
  Intelligent, educated men go where the books are.  Get there early and sit next to the guy you'd like to meet.  You can also talk to him after the reading, with built-in conversation starters: "What did you think?  What brought you to the reading?  Have you read other works like this?"  Run with it.

5) Wine tastings.
  These events do well on the 3 Cs and attract an affluent, cultured clientele.  And if you're into wine yourself, there's no better place to meet a man with similar oenophile tendencies.  The atmosphere is generally festive, and the wine presents plenty of pretext for conversation and jollity.

6) Yoga and pilates classes.
Your intention for coming to class is always to deepen the spirit by exercising the body, so you’re not going to class as a social exercise.  However, as long as you’re already there, it makes sense to make friends with like-minded people who are also there.

Although generally more women than men attend these classes, the men who do attend tend to be spiritually-inclined, emotionally aware, gainfully-employed and educated.  Because of the silence and discipline involved in a yoga class, it's not an ideal time to meet people
during
class, so show up early and strike up a conversation
before
class. 

              After class some people tend to be in a rush to get back home and clean up, but it's often a natural segue to go get a casual bite after class at a local eatery. If he has any sense in him, he would rather eat with you than be alone.  People tend to frequent the same teachers and time slots; do the same, and you can naturally and easily build a network of yoga friends. 

              An even better occasion than the yoga class to meet men is the special classes or events held at your local studio.  Almost all yoga studios have classes on special topics which tend to be much more social than regular yoga class.

7) Community service interest groups.
Amnesty International and Sierra Club local chapters are good examples.  Men who willingly join these groups tend to believe in their causes and as a group tend to be more conscious and spiritually-inclined.

8) Church services.
  All kinds of people attend church, so it's up to you to select the type of church (or synagogue, or mosque, or non-denominational spiritual gathering space of your choice) that attracts the type of man you're interested in.  The main value of a venue like a church is that it creates community and continuity, allowing you to interact casually with potential dating prospects and thereby get a feel for them. 

              Two places within the church are particularly suitable for meeting men: the bookstore and church-sponsored activities.  The community service activities are best, since that's where you're most likely to meet the warm-hearted men. 

              On the other hand, I would advise you to avoid assiduously any church-related activity with the word 'singles' in it.  From my experience, these events have a slight but distinct odor of desperation to them, and the good men avoid them like the plague while the wrong men show up in droves.  Incidentally, I have found this to be generally true of
any
singles-oriented event (see below).  You have been forewarned.

9) Continuing education.
Adult school, church classes – these are all fantastic opportunities.  Go to the classes that interest you, not the ones that you think would maximize your potential for meeting men.  Remember, you are the furthest thing from desperate.  Take the class because it's fun and it'll make you a better person, because what man in his right mind can resist a fun, amazing woman?

10) Running and cycling clubs, races.
Healthy, fit, affluent men with whom you have at least one activity in common will show up at these events.  However, beware of the man who spends a majority of his time training (e.g. triathletes).  As great as he may be, he probably won't have much time for
you
.  Remember that fulfillment is a feeling, not a person, and creating fulfilling feelings for you requires time.  Proceed with extreme caution with any man who doesn't possess enough of this essential commodity.