The Surrendered Wife (35 page)

H
IM
: Still, you never know about traffic between here and L.A., and it would be a shame to miss any of the show because you were late. I think it's better to be safe than sorry. (Him saying what he thinks)

M
E
: That's true, but I feel safe allowing an hour-and-a-half. (Me saying how I feel)

H
IM
: You may be right, but I think it's better to be early than risk being late. (Him saying what he thinks)

M
E
: Okay. It can't hurt. I'll leave at 8:00.

Granted, I acquiesced this time, but the conversation was a true negotiation. In other words, I didn't just dismiss, contradict, or criticize him. We both stated our positions, and I didn't need to argue, because I knew he was taking into account what I wanted and how I felt. The old conversation (which is less about negotiation and more about control) would have gone like this:

H
IM
: Maybe you should leave at 8:00 instead of 8:30 to get to the radio show on time. (Him saying what he thinks)

M
E
: Don't be ridiculous. It won't take that long to get to L.A. (Me dismissing him)

H
IM
: It's not ridiculous. Sometimes traffic is terrible. (Him defending himself)

M
E
: Still, it can't take two hours to get there! (Me contradicting him)

H
IM
: How do you know? (Him taking the offensive with me)

M
E
: I have it under control so just let me handle it okay? (Me discouraging his help in the future)

Now, instead of making every decision by myself, I have created a safe space for John to share his opinions with me without worrying that I will attack him. In return, I have the reassurance of knowing that someone else is thinking of ways to lighten my load or make things more pleasant for me. When John helps me, I can feel his love and concern. Because I am not trying to control the situation, I have no doubt that he is putting my interest first. That brings about the most intense connection between us, one that is
so gratifying that I can actually feel my love for him grow. Instead of keeping him and his “nutty” ideas at arm's length, I embrace him and employ his ideas. I'm reminded that we're a team, and that we're in this world together.

What could be more intimate than that?

“Saying that men talk about baseball in order to avoid talking about their feelings is the same as saying that women talk about their feelings in order to avoid talking about baseball.”

—DEBORAH TANNEN

Forget the notion that “more communication” is the key to an intimate marriage. Some things that are perfectly reasonable to discuss with women are not so comfortable for men. Talking about feelings is not a popular pastime in the male culture, so to be polite, don't ask about them, but continue to share yours. Generally, men talk far less each day than women, so don't expect your husband to want to talk as much as you.

The truth is, the less you communicate your complaints, negative thoughts, and criticisms to your husband, the better your intimacy will be, and the stronger your marriage. Withholding information from your husband may feel dishonest, but it's really being mature and polite.

Men have a culture all their own and being a diplomat in it will improve domestic relations dramatically.

Y
ou may have been told, as I was, that the key to a good marriage is communication. I thought that this meant getting my husband to share his feelings about every issue that affected him and telling him my every thought. That included when I thought he was wrong, when I didn't approve of his outfit, his coarseness, or his lack of concern about our future.

I was just communicating my honest feelings, and if some communication is good, more communication is better, right?

Wrong.

Think of all the couples you know who communicated constantly—right up to the day they went to court to communicate through their lawyers. Think of all the conversations you've had with your partner where you were “communicating” as best you could and at the end you were ready to kill each other. Although I have a degree in communications, trying for years to “communicate” with my husband never got me the connection I craved.

H
ONOR
L
OCAL
C
USTOMS

Reporter: What do you think of Western civilization? Gandhi: I think it's a great idea.

F
or some reason, it's much harder to extend diplomacy to our husbands than it is to honor customs in a foreign place. But I suggest
that you revere the male culture if you want harmony in your marriage.

In communicating with your husband, the first thing you have to remember is that men have a different culture from women. Unlike women who are constantly talking about their feelings, sharing their secrets and embarrassments, frustrations and failures with each other, men have more terse relationships with their buddies. They don't often talk about their feelings, but rather their actions. So, when we overcommunicate with our husbands, and beg them to tell us what they are
feeling
, they have the sense that they have just landed on foreign ground—and generally it feels like enemy territory because they are being interrogated and bombarded.

Much like visiting another country, where I would honor the unfamiliar, relations seem to go more smoothly between my husband and me when I honor the male culture. Using diplomacy means remembering not to make fun of his culture or pressure him to do or say something that will make him uncomfortable.

N
EVER
A
SK A
M
AN
T
HIS
Q
UESTION

“O Lord, please fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and nudge me when I've said enough.”

—ANONYMOUS

M
any women believe that they can have intimacy with a man just the way they'd have intimacy with another woman—by asking him to share his feelings. This tactic usually bombs
because asking a man how he feels is like asking a woman about her weight. At best, it's uncomfortable, and at worst, it's embarrassing.

Never ask a man how he feels.

Prior to surrendering, I used to try to get John to express his feelings. He'd start out saying, “I think …” and I would correct him by saying, “You mean I feel!” He would roll his eyes and start again, desperate to give the right answer and end the torture. Next he'd say, “I feel like I …” I would jump in again and say, “When you feel ‘like,' it's not a feeling.”

Needless to say, his response was not the tender revelation I'd been hoping for.

The intimacy came when I least expected it, like the time he wanted to show me the lunar eclipse and put his arms around me to keep me warm while he explained how much of the moon would eventually be in shadow. He didn't tell me how he felt, but the closeness was palpable. I didn't have to get that moment started by drawing out his feelings.

Intimacy does
not
require that your husband tell you how he feels. Look for and enjoy it elsewhere, and censor your criticisms to keep relations smooth and friendly. You may never feel “at home” in the male culture since it's not your native environment, but you can learn to get along in it.

E
XPRESS
Y
OUR
S
ELF IN
T
ERMS OF
F
EELINGS

J
ust because he's not necessarily expressing his feelings doesn't mean that you shouldn't express yours. Tuning into and expressing your feelings will help you negotiate clearly, connect emotionally and stay feminine. This is a gift to your husband, because in the
male culture, feelings are not as prominent. For instance, instead of saying, “The dog two doors down seems vicious. I think he might attack the children.” You would say, “I'm scared of that dog that lives two-doors down.” He'll be able to hear you better when he knows how you feel than he would if he had to debate with you about what you think.

A surrendered wife might tell her husband any of the following:

1. “I'm afraid of the neighbor.” (rather than “I think the neighbor is not a nice man.”)

2. “I feel guilty about eating all that chocolate.” (rather than, “I know it isn't good for me to eat too much chocolate. I shouldn't have done it.”)

3. “I'm excited about moving into a new house.” (rather than, “Moving to the new house is going to be a big change for us, and that will be nice.”)

Although men don't like to talk about
their
feelings, they have an easier time connecting to us when we use feeling sentences like the ones above. We're less likely to trigger a response from him to fix the situation or argue about it. For instance, in example number one he might naturally react to the nonfeeling statements by trying to downplay your judgments of the neighbor. You could actually end up fighting about whether the neighbor is a jerk or not, and really, who cares? You'd no doubt be happier if he just heard that you were angry or scared and sympathized with you. With example number two, he might try to help you come up with a method for not eating too much chocolate—which could be hurtful and irritating for you—if he heard only the latter statement. With example number three, he would be glad to hear of your excitement, but might take the other statement as a complaint that he doesn't make you happy. See how important it is to stay close to your feelings and express them?

T
HE
T
RUTH
A
BOUT
T
ELLING THE
T
RUTH