The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (26 page)

Gentlemen, I inquire, who hath released the hounds?

Who let the dogs out?

B
AHA
M
EN, FROM THEIR BEST-SELLING
CD
SINGLE.

For some reason, the current iterations of this meme focus on films in which the actor
STEVE BUSCEMI
has appeared:

Fornicate with it my good man, let us go crashing ninepins.

Fuck it dude, let’s go bowling.

D
ONNY (
S
TEVE
B
USCEMI) IN, “
T
HE
B
IG
L
EWBOWSKI”

Are thee cognizant of this device? ‘Tis the kingdom’s smallest violoncello, performing solely for the serving-wenches.

Do you know what this is? It’s the world’s smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses.

M
R.
P
INK (
S
TEVE
B
USCEMI) IN, “
R
ESERVOIR
D
OGS.”

A
meme
, by the way, is a self-replicating idea, usually spread via the internet. Basically, a meme works in the human brain in the same way that a virus works on a computer. What happens is that you view, read or hear the meme without knowing what it is, and the idea creates something known as a
trans-derivational search 
pattern
(TDS)
in which your conscious mind attempts to match what it has just experienced with some type of known meaning…except that it can’t, because the information is either meaningless, open to too many possible interpretations or just downright wrong in some way.

Remember the river dancing girl in the beginning of the book?

This causes your conscious mind to go into a momentary fuzzy reset mode, thus creating an opening through which the idea is accepted as a fact that makes no sense. People successfully exposed to a meme will usually be consumed by the thought for some period of time lasting up to several days. Then without warning, the idea and everything that went with it will suddenly disappear from your mind as if it had never even existed at all. This is because you have unconsciously accepted this insensible idea as a fundamental part of reality without any further need for rational consideration. In other words, your unconscious mind simply says
fuck it
and gives up on figuring out what the hell it’s supposed to mean. The meme is then incorporated into the basic structure of how you view the world, interpret information and construct reality.

Memes have been around forever, and are a mainstay of every successful marketing campaign you’ve ever been exposed to. Memes used in advertising are the reason why you ask for a
Coke
 when what you actually want is a
cola flavored soda
or use the term
FedEx
 to mean
shipping something overnight. 
The internet, however, has caused the introduction of memes to explode in scope and reach. The title of Chapter 1 of this book is itself a result of one of the most oddly successful internet memes ever created; just look it up on Wikipedia or you can
Google it
(that was another meme) and you’ll see what I mean.

Memes aside, however,
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
did not ever say
“Disregard females, acquire currency,”
despite the fact that he was well known for his quotes and aphorisms. Franklin was one of the Founding Fathers (as I’m sure you already know) and a polymath, or as we say today, a
Renaissance Man
. That means he was considered an expert in multiple fields of study and discourse. An example of what I mean by that would be if you were the world’s best surgical doctor and a champion race car driver and an astronaut and an award-winning poet and a professional surfer while also being a leading advocate for the homeless. A famous fictional polymath is
TONY STARK
(Robert Downey, Jr.) as depicted in the
Iron Man
 superhero franchise.

Franklin also
did not
invent
electricity
 since it’s a natural fucking phenomenon. He did, however, contribute enormously to our understanding of how electricity works with his experiments with lightning. He also
did
manage to invent all kinds of useful shit though, like lightning rods, bifocals, the
Franklin stove
and the odometer.

A notable journalist, publisher and author, Franklin is still famous for the publication of
Poor Richard’s Almanac
. He served as ambassador to France during the Revolution and was able to secure the French military assistance that proved invaluable to bringing the war to an end.

And, while he was in France working for our independence, it would seem that he also got like a boatload of French ass…or at least that’s how I understand it.

Despite how many groupies he may have had, Franklin was not, to my knowledge, ever the lead singer of the band
Metallica
; that honor goes to
JAMES HETFIELD,
who also did not invent electricity.

As far as I know.

More Stuff That Comes After The Other Stuff

A
BOUT
T
HE
A
UTHOR

The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide is the work of Jason Keeler (that's me)...stripper wrangler, adult webmaster, strip club operator, and writer of
www.RawkMode.com
, the adult industry blog site. I have worked in live adult entertainment for nearly 15 years, almost exclusively dating women working in and around strip clubs for two decades. 

I live with my son, Seth (who was totally not named after Sheriff Seth Bullock of "Deadwood" fame...probably) and occasionally with my partner and arch-nemesis
Simone DanaLustrous
, an award-winning exotic dancer and national touring feature entertainer. Simone may or may not...allegedly...be Seth's mom; but if that maternity test comes back negative...well, let's just say she's going to owe some damn rent money around this joint.

I have a deep and abiding love for American history, science fiction, naked ladies and Disney movies (don't tell anyone about that last part though, thanks.) My favorite authors are Robert Heinlein, David Brin, Harry Turtledove, Jeff Shaara, Chuck Palahniuk, S.M. Stirling and Dan Abnett. I love Star Trek, learned everything I know about everything from watching Star Wars as a kid, and actively worry that George R.R. Martin might die before completing Game of Thrones. 

I'm a philosophical Libertarian (of the Heinlein side of the family, not the Rand side,) and once held elected office as a member of the Green Party for reasons that I am still definitely unclear on. As a demonstration of my commitment to preservering through my own bouts of self-inflicted idiocy, I somehow pulled off being a vegetarian while serving as a tank gunner during the Persian Gulf War.

Despite being involved in a long-term open relationship, or  perhaps because of it, I have been told I am emotionally unavailable and somewhat reclusive. Whether that is true or not, I'm fairly certain that my seeming aloofness has more to do with some deeply hurt feelings left over from direct contact with that final, totally obnoxious episode of Battlestar Galactica. 

I hope you have enjoyed reading The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide, and I hope you will return for my next book...tentatively titled, 
You're Doing It Wrong
...or subscribe to
RawkMode
, my infrequently ongoing blog-thing.

T
HE
S
TUFF
I
N
T
HE
F
RONT

Usually the space at  the front of a book is crammed full of copyright crapola, dedications, notes from the author, maps, character information and that kind of thing. Due to the nature of digital books in general, not to mention the individual quirks of the big eBook distributors (not to name any names...but one of them starts with, "AMA" and ends with, "ZON,") thus it makes very little sense to put that sort of thing there. I could have moved that stuff back here...but you're already reading
this
stuff. 

I have, therefore, placed all of the so-called, "front matter," for this book on a
dedicated page
on my blog at
RawkMode
. If you have the opportunity, I would ask that you take a moment to look if you can; my dedication to my son appears there, along with my brief acknowledgement of those that deserve it most. That would include my thanks to my paternal grandfather, passed on nearly twenty years now.

If you don't
go look
, he'll fucking haunt your ass for all time. 

O
NE
L
AST
T
HING

Directly following this section...once you turn the page, so to speak...your Kindle will give you the opportunity to rate this book and share your thoughts on Facebook and Twitter. If you believe this book is worth sharing, would you take a few seconds to let your friends know about it? If you do, and it makes a difference in their lives, even if it's just to make someone smile for a moment or two, they will be forever grateful to you.
As will I.
 

Go get the girl, and be safe out there.

 Thanks, 

Jason.

        P.S.

            Don't forget...never cross the streams.

Table of Contents

• ^{Title Page}
  
• ^Introduction
  
• ^ONE
  
• ^{Chapter 1. All Your Base Are Belong To Us}
  
• ^{Chapter 2. Girls, Girls, Girls}
  
• ^{Chapter 3. If It Doesn't Make Money, It Doesn't Make Sense}
  
• ^{Chapter 4. Crazy Bitch}
  
• ^TWO
  
• ^{Chapter 5. Sharp Dressed Man}
  
• ^{Chapter 6. Love Machine}
  
• ^{Chapter 7. Jackass}
  
• ^{Chapter 8. House Rules}
  
• ^THREE
  
• ^{Chapter 9. The Gentleman Caller}
  
• ^{Chapter 10. It's Not Just A City In China}
  
• ^{Chapter 11. Rewards For Good Behavior}
  
• ^{Chapter 12. Affordable Pleasures}
  
• ^Four
  
• ^{Chapter 13. There's No Sex In The Champagne Room}
  
• ^{Chapter 14. There's No Time For Time}
  
• ^{Chapter 15. The Morning After}
  
• ^{True Quotes}
  
• ^{More Stuff That Comes After The Other Stuff}