The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (23 page)

Does she want the guy gone as much as you do?

Yes?

Go to the next question.

No?

Dump her.

Are you willing to fight for her, whatever that might mean?

Yes?

Sign up for Krav Maga and be ready to call the cops.

No?

Dump her.

We could go on like this for a while, but I think you get the general idea. You may have also noticed that there is a theme developing here:

Once they fuck you over, they always will, so just walk away while you still can.

I hate to come off on the negative at this point, but it’s a subject that merits discussion before you go wandering off to romance some stripper. If they cheat on you, steal from you, use you, won’t break off former relationships to focus on you, waste money and base all their happiness off how much more you can provide, I can guarantee that they
will always be that way. 

Better to face the fact that you picked the wrong girl right now, than to find out later. At least if you find out she’s not right for you up front, you can get out while you still can and live to fight another day. That may take some
inner strength
 on your part, but you can do it,
because there is no way to change or fix them
.

STILL
BETTER
THAN
BORING

On a more positive note, stripper girlfriends can be pretty damn
magnificent,
as I stated way back in the beginning of the book. They are fun, independent, like to surprise you with three-way sex, and often can alter your outlook on life, instilling a sense of adventure, awakening a clear purpose or what the hell ever, and sometimes,
what the hell ever
is just exactly what you need.

To succeed with dancers, you need to have a little bit of willpower, ego, and a positive self-image. You have to be able to say no when the situation calls for it, and have the right judgment to be able to bug out when things can’t work out. You shouldn’t go around acting like a bully with women, but you can’t be so passive that you can be pushed around, and made to eat it either. 

Learn to be assertive, to have a
definite purpose
 that drives you, to be focused, and to have the resolve to get shit done. If you dig on strippers, great, but allow them to join you in your life, don’t ever make their lives yours. If you ignore that piece of advice, I guarantee that you’ll one day regret it, sooner, rather than later.

Remember, that there are literally thousands of strip joints cranking it out in America, and there are hundreds of thousands of strippers hitting the stage and working the pole every night of the week. If the club you go to turns out not to have the right dancer for you, don’t settle, just go somewhere else. Keep doing that until you find the girl you actually want, and who wants you back for real, and not just because you’re paying her bills, or what the hell ever it is that she does want. 

The strip clubs that open up each day are where the party is at, if you’re willing to pay. The girls who walk the stages are the main reason the whole thing is fun, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to bring one home with you. Just don’t forget that when you take the dancer out of the club, she turns into something that’s kind of like a
real girl
, and if all you want is the fantasy that you saw up there on the stage, you may end up being disappointed.

Get real clear with yourself about what kind of person you want to be hanging out with. Understand the difference between things that you must get in a relationship, and things that are negotiable. You have to be equally clear about things you dislike but can tolerate, and those things which are
deal breakers. 

Once you’ve put this picture together, use it to screen the girls you talk to, and don’t settle until you find someone that fits. Though she may only match up most of the way, you’re almost guaranteed to wind up happier.

Finally, you will be in a club as you chase down the girl, and clubs are fun, so
lighten the fuck up and be fun
yourself. And if you can’t have a good time while drinking and staring at naked women then your problems may be bigger than the fact that you might be one stripper short when you hit the rack at night. In the end, whatever may come, just take a deep breath, and repeat the following phrase:

It is what it is, tomorrow is another day, and everybody comes back again.

Oh, and don’t forget,

Always smile and tip.

True Quotes

When you came in, the air went out. And every shadow filled up with doubt.

-
J
AYCE
E
VERETT:
F
ROM THE SONG “
B
AD
T
HINGS."

In case you’re wondering about some of the introductory quotes at the beginning of each chapter, I have included a quick guide both for your edification and to prevent myself from being sued by someone without a sense of humor. I’ll warn you though that nothing in this section truly has anything whatsoever to do with strippers. These are the quotes, with a chapter by chapter explanation of what truly was said by whom, along with some extra info about the people to whom I had attributed each quotation:

QUOTES
:
INTRODUCTION

I don’t believe it!

L
UKE
S
KYWALKER —
TRUE

 
 That is why you fail.

M
ASTER
Y
ODA –
TRUE

The first of the quotes is, uncharacteristically, accurate. This was taken from a conversation between
LUKE
(Mark Hamil) and
YODA
(Frank Oz) that went down in the film,
Star Wars, Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back
, as Yoda used the power of the Force to save Luke’s star fighter from being lost in the Dagobah swamp. Almost everything I learned as a kid about growing up and becoming a man that has turned out to be both valid and useful occurred on screen between the time Luke crash landed on Dagobah, and the time he left to rescue his friends from Cloud City on Bespin over the objections of Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

As a nine year old kid watching Luke run off to get his ass kicked by his own father from a seat in the (at that time)
Mann’s Chinese Theater of Hollywood
, I had this sudden realization that there were some things that the adult males in my life either wouldn’t, or couldn’t explain about being a guy. These days I know that back then, guys were disconnected, and really just had no idea how to be men themselves, much less how to show young boys how it’s done. As a consequence we now have an entire generation of males who are struggling to become
men
in some way other than just their chronological age.

If you happen to have kids of the appropriate age…boys specifically…you should take the time to hook them on the first three Star Wars movies (Episode 4, 5 and 6) and really make sure they get what’s happening in the story as Luke is transformed from boy-dreamer into a hero that redeems his father and, in the process, becomes a man himself.

If you’re not exactly sure what the fuck I’m talking about or what the hell some stupid Muppet could possibly tell you about manliness, then I recommend looking up the philosophical concept of
The Hero’s Journey
on Wikipedia at bare minimum. If you should happen to be a woman, however, I wouldn’t bother with that…girls
can’t understand this
anymore than I can truly understand your period or inexplicable desire to write your own damn vows when you get married.

Oh, and Luke
did
deserve to have his ass kicked by his Dad…as I’m sure Yoda would have agreed.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
1
A
LL
Y
OUR
B
ASE
A
RE
B
ELONG
T
O
U
S

Look alive, men. I’ve got my freak on for recon.

G
EORGE
A
RMSTRONG
C
USTER —
FALSE

The quote used in this chapter is one of two in the book that are actually from
SKIPPER
(Tom McGrath) of the
Madagascar
films and related television shows.

GEORGE CUSTER’S
last words were lost to history since everyone who might have heard what he said was killed right along with him. I assume he must have said something like,

“
Fuck, that hurt!” 

I suppose also that it is equally likely that he said something more in line with the vernacular of the time period, something like,

“Ye gods, man! I am slain!”

The actual final words that we do have a verifiable record for, however, were,

“We’ve caught them napping!”

The second quote that I attributed to Custer:

Bring the Gatling guns? What for? They’re just Indians, lol!

Is also false, as in
I made it up
...based on the fact that Custer
did
order his battery of Gatling guns to remain behind along with all the cavalry sabers that had been issued to his regiment. Apparently, Custer thought that the gun battery would slow his column (true) and that the additional firepower was both unnecessary (false) and unmanly because seriously, machine guns are unfair (which is the point of having them.)

He was also concerned that the sound of cavalry sabers rattling against saddles would alert his savvy Indian enemy and disrupt the stealth aspect of his attack. This may have been a legitimate concern had stealth been an important factor in an attack that involved 700 troops mounted on horseback, carrying fluttering flags and sounding bugles as they approached from three separate directions…
in broad daylight.

As it turns out, both machine guns and swords were
exactly
what would have turned the tide of battle…funny, that.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
2 
G
IRLS,
G
IRLS,
G
IRLS

Don’t laugh; your daughter might be working here.

A
P
OSTED
S
IGN —
TRUE

No explanation required.

QUOTES
:
CHAPTER
3 
I
F
I
T
D
OESN’T
M
AKE
D
OLLARS,
I
T
D
OESN’T
M
AKE
S
ENSE

Strippers are people, too. Naked people, who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later, behind a curtain in the VIP room.

A
LEXANDER
H
AMILTON –
FALSE

This quote was actually spoken by
PETER GRIFFIN
as a part of a public service announcement that occurred at the end of an episode of
Family Guy
featuring scenes in a strip club. I’m reproducing the
P.S.A.
in its entirety, below.