The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (22 page)

Things relating to playing nice with others, the difference between love and sex, certain conceptual fundamentals regarding money, and a working knowledge of how to operate the machinery of Western civilization seem to have just been stripped out, pun totally intended. Into this gaping void has now been inserted all manner of things that are counterproductive, self-destructive, prejudicial, ignorant, or otherwise just not related to reality as we know it. On the other hand, this volatile blend of urban legends, repressed memories, crap learned from MTV, the back of cereal boxes, and the inside of fortune cookies is often being mixed together and packaged in a physically desirable female.

Attractive females tend, as a general rule, to be in
high sexual demand
;
thus they typically have loads of social experience, and usually don’t freak out when they see a dick. When you start putting that all together, you most often find a hot chick with an interesting, quirky personality who is damn fun at a party. 

The other thing you get is cunning, and plenty of it.
Cunning
 is an attribute that is often associated with serpents, foxes, secret agents, frontier town whores, ninjas, and Paris Hilton. The modern stripper is essentially all of these things at the same time, like a bunch of little Machiavellians in bikinis.

These girls can shock you with an admission that they have no idea where to put a postal stamp on an envelope, or with their total bewilderment regarding why the electricity got turned off just because they didn’t pay the bill, then turn around and show you how to get your keys out of a locked car without breaking any windows, save $500 a year by buying your underwear in the garment district, or sneak in and out of bed without making a sound.

Standing by your side in a street brawl, a stripper may draw a knife from her purse that saves your ass, yet have no
conceptual framework
 with which to grasp the idea that the learning permit she obtained in high school is not the same thing as a driver license. Essentially, most strippers are criminally intelligent, emotionally crippled, socially expert
idiot-savants
who don’t know jackshit about anything, are used to always getting their way, and come dangerously equipped with hot people bodies. Their motivations are murky, and without regard to accepted
social mores
.

Many dancers have no perceptual ability to grasp basic conventions that most of us take for granted, such as the idea of cause and effect. The average exotic dancer is what you might call a
random variable
. 
There is truly no theory of social dynamics, or field of anthropological, psychological, or sociological study that can predict what will happen when a random variable is introduced into a stable or predictable system.

So, no matter how sophisticated and useful any particular system for picking up chicks may be, or how well it can be demonstrated by its developer, it still will not have universal application where exotic dancers are concerned. Further, when you take a moment to consider that a stripper’s job requires them to fake their emotional states, act extroverted, promiscuous, and to pretend sexual arousal and attraction in order to get money for food…well,
good luck
with applying those systems in any consistent manner.

So, bringing it back to what I said earlier, you have five weeks or less; hitting the club twice a week for a couple of hours at a time. If that’s not enough strip club time for your tastes, then just pick a second club and alternate between them. That lets you work two separate dancers who don’t know shit about what you’re doing, two hours per night, four or five days per week. If you need more club time than that, then perhaps you need counseling or maybe a pleasant evening discussion group down at the local YMCA.

Work fast, stay on your game, and keep it all in perspective.

Chapter 15. The Morning After

Disregard females, acquire currency
.

-
B
ENJAMIN
F
RANKLIN, AUTHOR, STATESMAN, AMBASSADOR TO
F
RANCE, INVENTOR OF ELECTRICITY, LEAD SINGER OF
M
ETALLICA.

Ten to twenty hours, that’s honestly all you got.

You’re going to walk into the local strip joint, pick out a girl, get her attention, and go to work. Over the course of the next few weeks, you will pursue this girl, and probably try many, or even most of the things I have told you about. You will attempt to use some of the inside knowledge of how clubs work to your benefit, and some of what I have said about exotic dancers themselves will come into play, I’m sure.

And you will crash and burn,
spectacularly
too. Get over it, because this is just the beginning, and if you stick with it, you will get better, become successful, and eventually earn the right for everything to get far, far worse. Right now you’re just doing it wrong, trying to follow a formula, and to pace things out just so. In the end, you’ll figure out how best to adapt the basic ideas we’ve discussed here into something that works well for you, something that you can wear naturally, like a second skin.

One of the advantages of being on a timer with the strippers is that it will force you to move your efforts to a new target as the one you’ve focused on plays out with no positive result. As you shift from dancer to dancer, jump to a new club, or even run multiples in a week, you’ll start building a body of experience that will dial you in ever closer to getting the girl you’ve always dreamed of.

Just a few of the great things about choosing exotic entertainers as your
drug of choice
 is that they are paid to be there, will talk to you no matter what, and can be relied on to be lonely, and on the lookout for someone, even if they’re not yet sure who that someone might be. In an odd fashion, there may be no other group of girls available who will let you get in there and work it like strippers will, giving you all the opportunity you need to get better at your game until finally you start hitting the bull’s eye. 

As you keep at it, pursuing the stripper-girl of your dreams, you will be confronted, again and again with their seemingly insurmountable defenses. This in itself is valuable, since each time you deal with their dancer persona, their defensiveness, the lies and misdirection; you’ll start learning to see right through it all, to anticipate it, to plan for it, to be prepared.

On the far side of this dancer defense is…
nothing
. In almost every case, you’ll find just this single layer of barbed wire, trench works, and defensive emplacements with nothing behind it but open, empty ground. Kind of like some
Maginot Line
of the stripper-soul; once you breach it, or flank it, the road lay open to Paris (the one in France.) 

It’s as if the average dancer is so emotionally vulnerable, that she has subconsciously focused on building up this one impenetrable barrier to keep herself safe to the exclusion of all else;
except that truly nothing is impenetrable
, so once you make it through the wall, you get the run of the place. Once you’re in, you’re in. It’s possible to fuck it up once you make it to this point; guys do it all the time, but honestly, you actually have to work at it.

Once a dancer lets you in, you see, she really, really, really wants to believe. I’m not trying to make the girls sound stupid, and weak, however, it’s just that most of them are extremely vulnerable on one level or another, and it’s easy to run amok and cause damage that can’t truly ever be repaired. 

Stay with it, punch through that armor, but you once you do watch where you step, and go easy.
MOST OF THEM, AT HEART, ARE ESSENTIALLY INNOCENT GIRLS THAT JUST WANT TO BE LOVED
.
If you take poor advantage of that you’ll pay for it, in this life or the next.

Ten to twenty hours, maximum. After that, just say,
fuck it, and drive on.
There are plenty of girls who turn 18–21 every single day, and your local girlie joint gives you plenty of opportunity to meet those of them that are sexy, fun, and
down to get down
. Don’t get fixated, and don’t limit yourself. Repeat after me;

Just say, fuck it and drive on.

FROM
BAD
TO
WORSE

Sometimes things don’t always work out though, and you may be wondering about what happens when everything goes to crap. If you haven’t taken the time to think that through, then I encourage you do it fully prior to getting deeply involved with one of these girls. Let’s run through a few choice examples right now, just to get the general idea down.

The following hypothetical situations are presented in a question and answer format. Simply answer the questions as you go to find out where that particular scenario might end up. I want to stress again that these are examples of really bad situations that you may get in to…but that does not mean they
are
going to happen or that these few examples we’re discussing are somehow the limit of possible stripper shenanigans. A section describing all the obnoxious crap that
could happen would be a hell of a lot longer than this
…Well that would actually be a book all in its own right.

SHE APPEARS TO HAVE A SERIOUS DRUG OR ALCOHOL PROBLEM:

Is rehab, detox or whatever working for her?

Yes?

Keep an eye on her around your prescriptions.

No?

Then walk, right now.

SHE CONSTANTLY ASKS FOR CASH:

Do dates, meetings or activities require that you spend large amounts of money?

YES?

You’re not in the relationship you thought you were, walk away right now.

NO?

Go to the next question.

Do you live together?

Yes?

She needs help. Handle the finances yourself, teach her money skills, or walk.

No?

Go to the next question.

Is she just lousy with money?

Yes?

It won’t get better, and you need to walk away before you end up homeless.

No?

She’s playing you; this isn’t the relationship you thought it was, so walk.

YOU THINK SHE’S CHEATING ON YOU:

Do you have some kind of verifiable proof?

Yes?

That’s what you get for looking through her shit you fucking dumbass; now dump her.

No?

Go to the next question.

Have you asked her directly?

Yes?

Go to the next question.

No?

Stop being a bitch and go ask her directly.

When you asked, did she confirm, or deny?

Confirmed?

Well, at least she’s an
honest
cheater. Do you know what an “honest cheater,” has in common with other oxymora like
slave wages
,
death benefits
and
fresh frozen? That’s right it’s a phrase that makes no fucking sense…so dump her.

Denied?

Go to the next question.

Is she full of shit?

Yes?

Blow her ass off, delete her number, and switch clubs.

No?

Go to the next question.

Are you sure?

Yes?

You mean just like you were sure she wasn’t fucking anyone else but you?

No?

Yep, you’re right, you have no fucking idea. Please immediately use the following
EMERGENCY PROCEDURE
:

B
LOW HER THE OFF, DELETE HER NUMBER, SWITCH CLUBS, CHANGE YOUR OWN LAST NAME AND CELL NUMBER, THE TOWN YOU LIVE IN, THE STATE WHERE THE TOWN IS LOCATED OR THE SOLAR SYSTEM THAT YOU CALL HOME IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES TO MOVE THE FUCK ON.
D
ON’T TALK ABOUT IT, ARGUE WITH HER OVER IT OR TRY TO WORK IT OUT;
SHE
CAN
’
T
BE
FIXED
.

HER EX-BOYFRIEND KEEPS SHOWING UP/CAUSING SHIT:

Did it happen once, and never again?

Yes?

Fine, but be prepared to call the cops next time.

No?

Go to the next question.

If it keeps happening, does she always have to go talk to the guy?

Yes?

Great lock the door behind her and never open it again.

No?

Go to the next question.