The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (16 page)

It’s important to remember who brides and grooms and their parents invite to the wedding. Yes, there are the embarrassing family relations and lame friends from college they have to include. But invariably, brides and their family, when drawing up the guest list for a wedding, make a point of sending invitations to their most accomplished, successful, well-off, generous, and most-connected friends and relations, in part to get maximum return for their investment vis-à-vis expensive wedding presents.

And because even the most average groom’s parents will compete with the bride’s parents to show off just how many rich, successful, famous people they know, weddings are tantamount to Big Fish conventions. Not just local Big Fish, but Big Fish from other cities, different parts of the country, other nations. Most important of all, because Big Fish have seen so much
ugliness while climbing their way to the top, they are particularly prone to fall under the spell of wedding witchcraft and open themselves up to becoming new best friends with you.

The simple fact that the bride’s guests don’t often know the groom’s guests gives the climber still another advantage; whereas, at a normal party, it would be gauche to point and ask, “What’s the name of that nice old man who drove up in the Rolls-Royce convertible?” or inquire bluntly, “Are those diamonds that woman’s wearing real?,” at a wedding, it’s acceptable. There’s no need to go to the bathroom and google one’s fellow wedding guests because families from both sides of the aisle will be eager to brag about the net worth, claim to fame, or ostentatious lifestyle of every Big Fish they’ve managed to corral into the tent. Though bloodied bedsheets are no longer displayed to the guests after the wedding night, the great news for climbers is that weddings are still all about showing off. And when people are showing off how rich, famous, and successful they are, it’s easy for even the visually impaired climber to see who merits chatting up.

Small weddings—intimate affairs of fewer than fifty guests—offer the added advantage of giving you the time and opportunity to meet all the Big Fish, even if you’re stuck seated between the two maiden aunts with the creamed corn. At a large wedding, those with more than 150 guests, it will be harder for you to stand out but much easier to switch place cards to a seat next to a Big Fish, Whale, Swan, Turtle, etc.

In our experience, the ideal wedding from a social climber’s point of view is a midsize destination wedding, where a hundred or so guests are flown gratis to a five-star hotel with a pink sand
beach. However, when one is a guest at a wedding held in a country where one does not speak the language, it is wise to keep a list of vital party information on your person at all times. Ms. Johnson learned this painful lesson when attending a gala nuptial of close personal friends on the island of Ibiza. The after-party for the rehearsal dinner took place in the VIP section of the island’s nightclub of choice, Pasha, on a night DJ’ed by none other than David Guetta. All was fabu until Ms. Johnson made the mistake of leaving the VIP section to go to the ladies’ room. On her return she was shocked and embarrassed to discover that the bouncer would not let her reenter due to the fact that she had forgotten the name of her host, the bridegroom. As Ms. Johnson learned the hard way, it is both bad manners and inconvenient to forget your host’s name.

Perks and free plane fare alone don’t make the difference between the great wedding and the merely good wedding. It’s the number of new best friends you make. To do that, one has to stand out without being left out, which is another way of saying you need to stand out without others thinking you are trying to show off. And the best way to do that is to offer
a toast to the newlyweds. Make it seem extemporaneous, but in fact you should have been polishing it in front of the mirror in the weeks leading up to the wedding. Do not be ashamed if you lack the writing skills to come up with a great toast on your own, i.e., either plagiarize or get an ex-boyfriend or -girlfriend to help you write it, with the veiled promise you will bring them to the wedding with you, which of course you won’t.

As at the engagement party, resist the temptation to compose a toast that makes you seem clever at the bride and groom’s expense, or that makes reference to old boyfriends or girlfriends or the indiscretions that occurred at the bachelorette/bachelor party.

A word to the wise: The same feel-good feeling that makes weddings such an easy place to social climb also makes them treacherously dizzying for even the most experienced Mountaineer.

Those social climbers invited to take part in the rehearsal dinner are particularly vulnerable to the sexual energy that is in the air. Mountaineers enlisted as bridesmaids and groomsmen are apt to find themselves thinking about the wrong kind of prize.

T
here is no question that today’s more casual approach to dating, courtship, and social intercourse of a sexual nature has provided climbing opportunities to upwardly mobile members of both sexes and all sexual orientations that were not available to previous generations of climbers.

Loosely arranged dinners and bar hangs involving groups of young climbers in their twenties, what we call Posse Dating, provides multiple climbing options. Unfettered by the commitments and obligations involved in having to go through the boring rigmarole of actually asking someone out for an old-fashioned date and having to spend the whole evening sitting next to that person, one is free to ditch the group with little or no guilt and climb solo when one runs into a superior class of person or group to get sloppy drunk with.

Better still, the Posse Date allows an individual who left the group to pursue a Big Fish but fails to land him or her the chance to rejoin the posse before the evening’s over. Most important, if
you return to the posse before last call, you will still have a shot at hooking up with one of the posse members, i.e., a friend with benefits. If you can’t get a piece of the cake you really want to cut into, there’s still cake to be had; or, as we say, skilled social climbers never miss an opportunity to have their cake and eat it, too.

Whether you are out there making the most of the no-strings group dating scene, or are an old-fashioned romantic type who dates just one person at a time in order to steal their best/most helpful friends more efficiently before trading up, nearly every Mountaineer eventually experiences a Come to Jesus moment. A moment when no matter how social climbing has improved your life, no matter how many Big Fish, Whales, Swans, Turtles, friends with benefits you have on speed dial, you sense something important is missing in your life. What sort of something? No, it’s not a Ferrari or a set of identical twins who give backrubs and own a
schloss
in Gstaad. What you’re lacking is a partner, a soul mate to climb with.

Others come to this crossroads because they hear the tick-tock of their biological clock. The sight of nannies pushing in-vitro twins who belong to a couple with matching Porsches often inspires climbers to wish they had a life partner they could have
children with and share the joy of teaching the little ones how to climb. Some come to this Rubicon because their climb has leveled off. Having hit a plateau or, worse, having found themselves slipping backward, they muster up the humility to cling to someone else who is backsliding. Only as a couple pooling their address books and invites can they make it to the next level of the game.

Admittedly, it’s hard to know whether you are thinking about getting serious because all of your friends with benefits have gotten married or stopped having casual sex with you, or because it actually
is
time for you to get serious about getting serious.

To find out if you are ready to give up climbing solo, answer the following questions:

1. Would you be more popular with the people you want to be popular with if you didn’t sleep around? Yes / No

2. Is there an extra man or woman in your social set who is smarter, more accomplished, more attractive than you are who is suddenly scooping up all the invites you used to get? Yes / No

3. Would you have more money for social climbing if you had someone to split household expenses with and provide you with a marital deduction for your income tax? Yes / No

4. Is there a club you’d like to join but can’t, because it doesn’t accept unmarried women or men, or you lack the social credentials to get in on your own? Yes / No

5. Have you recently lost your job, and/or are you about to be indicted for a felony? Yes / No

6. Do you dream of being married to someone who owns a yacht and want to climb onboard while you still look good in a bathing suit? Yes / No

7. Will you inherit more money if you get married and/or have children? Yes / No

8. Do you know a Big Fish or Whale who’s recently been ditched you think might be so heartbroken that he or she would say yes to marrying someone like yourself? Yes / No

9. Are you losing your hair or having trouble maintaining your youthful figure, or do you have a worsening medical condition that requires treatment not covered by your insurance carrier? Yes / No

If you have answered yes to any of the above, then it’s time to get serious.

Yes, it will be hard to get used to actually calling someone up on a phone and asking that person out, but trust us: This modus operandi is so quaint, whoever you ask out will mistake your directness for self-confidence rather than desperation. Equally important: no more bottom-feeding, even when you’re lonely.

From this moment on, you must also swear you will only date Keepers.

If you have already dated your way up the food chain and are involved with a Big Fish who laughed the last time you brought up the subject of marriage, or is already married but claims he/she can’t divorce because of the negative psychological effect on their children or because their spouse has threatened to commit suicide, do not believe them. These are lame excuses. Know that if they really valued you or your sexual favors they would be worried about you threatening to kill yourself. Regardless, it’s time to move on . . .  but on your terms, not theirs.

To put yourself in the best position to find a Keeper, you will have to get rid of the Big Fish in a way that generates sympathy for you among your Big Fish’s friends, so you can keep fishing in
his/her pond—i.e., you have to make it seem that Mr. or Ms. Big Fish has dumped you rather than vice versa. How do you do that? Dose him/her with a hit of X, invite over your trampiest friend, and leave the house. Come back two hours later and walk in on them
en flagrante
. Get upset, but make it clear that you forgive both of them and still want to be friends, i.e., still go to their parties, sleep with their friends, but not sleep with them because you can’t bear to have your heart broken again.

Fortunately, we live in a time in which interracial and interfaith unions are accepted. But as much as the world has changed, a mixed marriage between a social climber and a non–social climber poses special challenges and puts often insurmountable strains on the relationship from day one.

Will your prospective spouse convert to your faith? Will they ever care enough about you to go out and make the kind of friends that will help you get to the top of the mountain? Or will they insist on including their white trash friends and family in your social life? Can a nonpracticing social climber teach your child the commandments contained in
The Social Climbers Bible
?