The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (6 page)

Everyone who moves to “the Big City,” especially if they’re in their twenties or early thirties, reinvents themselves. They try on different lifestyles and attitudes, expose themselves to types of people they never would have met had they stayed at home. The only difference between the civilian who comes to Gotham and makes new friends and the social climber is that the social climber makes new friends with a sense of purpose and a game plan.

Know this: You aren’t going to get to the top by befriending floundering fictional characters like those depicted in HBO’s hit series
Girls
. The kinds of friends you need to make things happen for you in real life are the supremely well-connected actresses who portray those girls.

The multitalented star Lena Dunham, who’s also the creator, writer, director, and producer of
Girls
, is the child of two highly accomplished artists who knew everyone who was anyone in the culture ghetto of New York, plus: designer Zac Posen was her babysitter, and she graduated from the elite private school Saint Ann’s. Equally well-connected Zosia Mamet, aka Shoshanna Shapiro, happens to be the daughter of Pulitzer Prize–winning playwright, screenwriter, and director David Mamet. Marnie Michaels, played by Allison Williams, graduated from Yale and is lucky enough to be the daughter of NBC’s star anchorman Brian Williams. And last but not least, Jemima Kirke, who plays Jessa Johansson and also attended Saint Ann’s, has a double whammy going for her: She’s the child of a rock star (Bad Company’s Simon Kirke) and the granddaughter of a London billionaire, “Black Jack” Dellal.

If you, like 99.9 percent of the world, do not have the good fortune to have as famous, talented, well-connected, and rich parents as the girls on
Girls
do, and weren’t lucky, privileged, or
smart enough to attend private schools or matriculate at Ivy League universities, don’t waste time envying or resenting those with more: Get to know them!

If you are starting out from social ground zero and have just moved to a new city and literally know no one and do not have a job that will bring you in touch with anyone or anything remotely fabulous, the first and most important thing for you to do is get off Facebook and any and all social websites, dating services, chat rooms, etc. that you are in any way connected to.

Why?

An old posting, a snapshot, for example, of you flashing your ta-tas back on spring break of ’10, admitting “liking” Justin Bieber, or any one of the embarrassing things and people you used to “like” before you decided to become a social climber could be as much a liability as those indiscreet friends and family you have already cut out of your new life.

For now, leave your virtual life a blank canvas. When you have acquired enough exciting friends and photos of yourself doing cool and extraordinary things to make it appear to those more connected than yourself that you are more popular and successful than you are, we will show you how to fill up the blank canvas of your life with such verve and panache you won’t recognize yourself.

But between then and now, we have a lot of work to do.

Here are some practical and affordable first steps that will put upwardly mobile strangers new to a city in a position where they can become best buddies with someone who can help them step into the winner’s circle.

1. Get a list of all the Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and Narcotics Anonymous meetings offered in your city and start attending those that are held in the basements of churches, community centers, or public spaces in the hippest, most exclusive and expensive neighborhoods. Every one of America’s first families has at least one heir or heiress with a substance abuse problem. Just look at the Kennedys. Take note of those in recovery who are accessorized with twenty-thousand-dollar Hermès Kelly bags and have not succumbed to hocking their Rolex watches and five-carat Tiffany diamond studs to buy crack or go on a bender. Listen carefully when those struggling with their addictions begin to share—those who have fallen off the wagon at the Times Square Blarney Stone are not Keepers. Those who make reference to having recently backslid at exclusive golf and country clubs, hot restaurants, or exotic resorts are Keepers. Being in recovery, they could use and will be genuinely grateful for a responsible new friend like yourself.

2. Check the pages of the newspaper online every day for memorial services open to the public to celebrate the lives of recently deceased statesmen, captains of industry, celebrities, and society figures who never would have deigned to talk to you while they were alive. You’ll be surprised: The bigger the dead fish, the more likely the memorial will be open to the public. Dead rich and famous people have famous friends who are still alive and can help you.

3. Upscale art gallery openings are also a perfect place to make the acquaintance of your first Big Fish.

4. The art auctions at Sotheby’s, Christie’s, Parke-Bernet, etc., are also open to the public. During the big sales, the rich, the powerful, and the famous descend on them to do just what you’re doing—social climbing—but we will have more to say on Kunst climbing later. For now, look around for people who ignored you at the memorial services and the art gallery openings you’ve been attending. Strange but true: You will no longer be a deadbeat if you raise your paddle and bid against Peter Brant, the polo-playing billionaire art collector/industrialist husband of aging supermodel Stephanie Seymour for a $120 million dead shark floating in formaldehyde signed by Damien Hirst. Now the gallery assistants who didn’t believe you had a financial advisor will not only make a point of introducing you to the artist they’re showing at the next opening, they’ll also invite you to the swank and exclusive dinner that will invariably be held afterward. Word of caution: Stay in the bidding long enough to be noticed, but drop out in time to avoid being arrested for making the winning bid on a $120 million dead fish when you only have sixteen dollars in your bank account.

5. There isn’t a Church of Upward Mobility . . .  yet.

         Every major city in the world has one special church, cathedral, temple, or mosque where the elite absolve themselves of the sins they committed to get where they are. Find the powerhouse of faith in your city and start praying—you never know who will be on their knees next to you at holiday time. Casually mention that due to a foul-up with airlines, you can’t fly home for Christmas, Yom Kippur, or Ramadan, and you just might find yourself breaking bread with a Big Fish.

6. Do your homework. Memorize the names and faces pictured on the party pages of
Vanity Fair
,
Vogue
,
New York Magazine
, or that glossy city mag that’s published in whatever metropolis you currently reside in. Keep track of who and what social functions appear in the Style section of the
New York Times
and
W
magazine. Check out Bill Cunningham’s “Evening Hours” pics,
New York Social Diary
, and society shutterbug Patrick McMullan’s website. Monitor those mentioned in gossip columns like “Page Six” and in the society rags like
Avenue
,
Hamptons Magazine
,
South Beach Magazine
, and so on. By the time you finish reading this book, many of the names and faces that appear in them will already be déclassé, but they will still be able to introduce you to people who aren’t.

With hard work, a little luck, and a few liberties with reality at the above-mentioned events, you might have the good fortune to have already stumbled upon what every social climber needs—a
new best friend who will serve as your champion, Sherpa, and guide.

As a social climber who’s just starting off, you will have many rivers to cross, some so wide and treacherous, so filled with obstacles, they might take years to traverse—unless you find someone willing to carry you on their back. People who provide this service fall into two categories, which we like to refer to as Turtles and Swans.

Turtles are individuals who have social resources they are too shy, awkward, and insecure to take advantage of or exploit on their own, i.e., Turtles are unlike you. Sometimes, but not always, they are inhibited by a physical handicap other than their shell—a lisp, a stutter, a limp, a case of acne that makes them resemble a parboiled parrot. But a good Turtle always has parents and/or grandparents who possess at least two of the following: old money, new money, artistic accomplishment, international renown, political prominence (senator, governor, cabinet minister), or an inherited title.

Often, but not always, Turtles are accomplished in their own right, but their shells are so thick and isolating they are unable to or unaware of how to take advantage of their position in the world. Doors have been open to them their whole lives. But being Turtlelike, they’re too fearful to come out of their shells and cross over to assume their rightful place on the other side of the velvet rope—that is, until you climb on their back and steer them in the right direction.

The relationship between you and your Turtle is not exploitative. Your Turtle is not a beast of burden. Your Turtle takes you
to the party, but you show him how to have a good time and introduce him to all the new and exciting people you wouldn’t have met without him. A smart social climber is always nice to the Turtle; unlike fleas or other parasites, you do not feed off your Turtle, you devour the good life together.

As you become a more accomplished climber, in all likelihood you will acquire more than one Turtle. When that happens, you must always remember to make each Turtle feel special. Though the relationship can become so intimate that your reflection will virtually be painted on your Turtle’s shell, you should never, never, never have sex with your Turtle. You won’t be tempted, but your Turtle will, even if you are average-looking.