The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (11 page)

If you want to say something that makes you seem more profound, try, “The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on,” and you’ll be telling them to shut up and put it behind them in a way that makes you sound like you are a disciple of Khalil Gibran.

Simply suggest, “It is what it is,” and everybody’ll think you’re hipper and younger than you are.

Or, if you feel bold and want to distinguish yourself as both a great guest and a forgiving person, you can redirect the conversation in an even more self-serving direction by reaching across the table, grabbing hold of the jilted Wild Boar’s hand, and announcing, “I’m renting a villa in Saint Bart’s next season, and you should come down for a visit.”

Of course, you are doing nothing of the sort. But “next season” is a long way off. In the meantime, the distraught spouse and everyone else at the table will hear your offer and before you have to make up a story next year about the villa rental falling through at the last minute, you will be inundated with invitations offered by fellow guests hoping to trade a weekend in East Hampton, upstate New York, Cape Cod, or the Berkshires with them for a week-long Caribbean freebie with you.

Prepare yourself for awkward social moments to come by memorizing these aforementioned phrases. Once you master them, try the following sayings in a foreign language and you will add twenty points to your upward mobility IQ.

What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

And always remember, no matter what language you are speaking, it’s not what you say that’s important, it’s how you say it.

W
hether the invite is engraved on gilt-edged paper and delivered by snail mail or arrives via “paperless post,” fledgling social climbers feel a heady mix of both excitement and dread when they accept an invitation to a type of social function they’ve never attended before.

Relax . . .  and count yourself lucky that you’re not trying to climb the ladder under the weight of those oppressively strict rules of etiquette that burdened past generations of Mountaineers. Times have changed. Men no longer have to dress for a dinner date, much less pay for their date’s dinner; likewise, women today are fortunately free to wear white before Memorial Day and are no longer required to make men feel smart.

It is important to remember that though most of the old-fashioned draconian dictates as to what “is” and “isn’t” done can be broken or bent without fear of repercussion or reprisal, there are still a few rules that the Mountaineer must at least appear to adhere to.

The simple fact that you purchased
The Social Climber’s Bible
indicates you have enough upward mobility in your DNA to realize that, say, for example, the bold, flamboyant style, manner of dress, and Mountaineering techniques that may help you foul-hook a Big Fish at a costume ball will not make you a hit with the movers and shakers at a bris . . .  unless of course it’s being held at the Kabbalah Center and Madonna is assisting the mohel.

To get the most out of any social function, the size, purpose, and setting of the event should determine the tactics you employ.

Think like Carl von Clausewitz, the renowned Prussian military strategist, who stressed the importance of taking tactical advantage of the confusion of the battlefield; the element of uncertainty in all military engagements von Clausewitz referred to as the “fog of war.” For the social climber, the fog of war is the confusing mist of fun that clouds most social functions. You must always be ready to improvise, to turn a setback into an advantage, a disappointment into an opportunity. And most important of all, always take advantage of party mayhem and have yourself photographed with any and all Big Fish. Ask strangers to photograph you standing next to somebodies, i.e., Whales and famous people, to make it appear as if you are friends with them. The confusing mist of fun will give you a few moments for an intimate pose before the somebody asks you why you are invading their personal space. These photos will help you seem more popular and better connected than you actually are when you rejoin Facebook.

Of course, sometimes you cannot change the party. Not often, but sometimes you will discover that not even you—with your charm and the Rick James method of intelligent small talk—can make an event as special as you are. But never forget,
you owe it to the person you want to become to make the most of every opportunity, even the disappointing ones.

If, for example, you endure a three-hour bus ride to attend a barbecue because you heard the grill master was going to be Warren Buffett and discover that Warren Buffett is indeed flipping the burgers but is not
that
Warren Buffett, don’t waste time sulking or chastising yourself. Find out what this Warren Buffett can do for you. Who knows—he might own a shitload of stock in Berkshire Hathaway, or perhaps he’s Jimmy “Margaritaville” Buffett’s cousin.

Put simply, you won’t catch fish if you don’t go fishing.

Dinner Parties

There are two types of dinner parties: 1) those where you get to decide where you sit—buffets—and 2) those where your host or hostess tells you where to sit, i.e., the seated dinner.

Given that at your average dinner party you will spend twice as long sitting and eating as you do standing and drinking, who you sit next to will to a large degree determine whether the evening is a success or a failure.

Because the tactics and strategies open to you are vastly different at a buffet versus at a seated dinner, it is of utmost importance that you ascertain as soon as possible after arriving whether the dinner is seated or not.

After you have greeted your hosts, presented them with a jelly jar of what by now is your legendary faux-fruit compote, told them they look fantastic, thanked them for inviting you, and complimented them on their beautiful home/apartment/
child, immediately slip into the dining room, out onto the terrace, into the garden, or wherever the dinner’s going to be served. If you see plates stacked on the table rather than places set, you’ll know it’s a buffet—or the help is very sloppy.

If it is indeed a buffet, you are master or mistress of your own fate in regard to seating. Return to the room where the predinner cocktails are being served and survey the crowd for the most advantageous dinner partner. Calculate the number of guests who are in fact Big Fish, and check for the presence of Swans/Turtles. Remember, Turtles will be harder to spot. Chances are your hosts have thrown this buffet so they can eat their dinner nestled between the biggest of the Big Fish and the Swan.

Since the odds are both your hosts and the biggest of the Big Fish want to sleep with the Swan, either in reality or at the very least in their dreams, the best way for you to turn their threesome into a foursome with you squeezed between them is to employ that age-old technique we call Pimping the Swan.

We are not suggesting you do anything as crass as middle-manning a sexual liaison; simply flatter the Big Fish and/or your host/hostess in a way that will let the Swan know it’s worth his/her while being nice to the Big Fish. Because Swans, being gorgeous/sexy, do not have to social climb, i.e., work for their invites, Swans are often startlingly uninformed about who their host/hostess is and/or does and more important, what he/she is in a position to do for a Swan. You are merely providing a public service announcement. Casually mention to the Swan that the
Big Fish is freshly divorced and/or has a beach house next door to Calvin Klein. Nonchalantly let it be known your host/hostess has the last word on who will be the next Swan featured in the advertisements for Chanel, Dior, Pep Boys, or the local Dairy Queen—you get the idea.

Remember that the biggest fish for you might not be the one with the most muscle. For example, if you’re a struggling novelist, an editor at a publishing house will be far more helpful to you than the CEO of Bank of America—unless the CEO of Bank of America is so smitten with you over dinner, he/she buys a publishing house and orders it to purchase your book. Which will only happen if, after the dinner party, you have fabulous sex with him/her again and again and again. In short, it’s often more advantageous for the social climber who’s just starting out to go for the smaller Big Fish who commands the pond you need to conquer before you can proceed to deeper waters.

The one exception to this rule applies to those whose personality type fell into the Velcro-Climber category—the climber who stays so tightly glued to the hip of the Big Fish and appears so deaf, dumb, and blind to his/her obvious efforts to ditch him that the Big Fish, out of sheer exhaustion, gives up and accepts him as
a bosom buddy. This is not a method we recommend for the sensitive social climber.

Timing is everything. Unless you are a Velcro-Climber, wait until the tail end of the cocktail hour before latching on to the person you want to sit next to at a buffet. Since Big Fish love to talk about themselves, and you have googled them in the powder room, as you line up for plates and food, ask the Big Fish a question that will require an answer that will allow the Big Fish to brag about at least two of the reasons he or she is so great. For example: “I hear you’re both a noted big-game hunter and on the board of PETA.”