The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (17 page)

If your spouse is to be your fellow Mountaineer for better or for worse, it’s important that you familiarize each other with any and all confabulations you have told to each other or to anyone else in the process of making yourself seem more desirable. Total transparency is essential. If your significant other reveals that the year she spent teaching prison inmates learn to read was the same year she did time for check kiting, don’t hold it against her. Instead, ask her to get your back by swearing she visited you and David Foster Wallace at the psychiatric hospital you never went to or had tea with that nonexistent grandmother you’ve told everyone took you on safari when you were a child. In order to help each other, you have to be honest about just how much help you really need.

Of course the social climber should not complicate a serious relationship by being needlessly honest.

To increase your chances of finding a Keeper who loves social climbing as much as you do, it’s important to keep dating others even after you’ve succeeded in getting serious about someone. Why? Because the odds are he or she is doing it on the sly, too. Keep your options open and make a point of never referring to these dates as “dates.” Simply say you’re going to dinner without your Keeper boyfriend/girlfriend because a friend of yours has a problem he’s not comfortable discussing with anyone but you. By being discreet yet open, you can still have the opportunity to hook up with someone who’s even more of a Keeper than the Keeper you found, while you’re officially getting serious. We call this Hedge Bet Dating.

In our opinion, it’s okay to have Hedge Bet Sex once a week up until the wedding invitations go out. After that, limit your extracurricular fishing expeditions to lunch dates.

What to Do When the Big Moment Finally Arrives

The biggest moment for the social climber who’s gotten serious comes not when one half of the couple drops to one knee and the carat count of the engagement stone is revealed. Nor is it that really big moment when you actually say “I do” and the bond between you and your partner is legally binding. No, the really, really big moment we’re talking about comes when a climber’s future spouse first brings up the subject of a prenuptial agreement.

If you have the “money” and your spouse-to-be has the “class,” i.e., comes from a more socially prominent and well-connected family that has fallen on hard times but still has social clout, entrée you do not possess, be realistic! Know that when you marry into a grand family that’s on the financial skids,
the siblings and/or parents will start hitting you up to borrow money before you’ve left on your honeymoon. Also know that they will think you cheap if you request an IOU and won’t ever pay you back even if you get one.

Stop being so superficial and look in the mirror. Find yourself a life partner who’s as less than gorgeous as yourself but has more of the important things in life than you do, i.e., someone who’s in a position to ask you to sign a prenup.

More than likely, if you’re reading
The Social Climber’s Bible
when you’re getting serious about someone, you will be the one asked to sign the prenup. When the subject first comes up, do not get upset, cry, or accuse your spouse-to-be of thinking you’re a gold digger.

Prepare for the inevitable prenup conversation moment by familiarizing yourself with your husband- or wife-to-be’s finances. While he is off shopping for the engagement ring, and/or she is returning the embarrassingly small zircon you gave her, photocopy any and all legal/financial papers you can find in their desk and ransack the hard drive of their computer. Pay particular attention to deeds, stock transfers, trust instruments, offshore accounts held in the name of shell companies, etc. Make
sure you have a clear understanding of what your future spouse is worth. There’s nothing sneaky about your making sure they have not been sneaky.

If you have prepared yourself in this way, when the subject of the prenup is first mentioned, it’ll be easier for you to smile and say, “All I want is
you
. If a prenup makes you feel better, I’m happy to sign anything you want.”

Having made
them feel guilty, have sex with them. Afterward, say they are the “most giving lover in the world.” Which should make them feel doubly guilty. If your fiancé has not presented you with the prenup two weeks before the wedding, do not be lulled into thinking they have decided you’re such a superior human being, a prenup is unnecessary. Know that your fiancé is merely planning on having a notary at the rehearsal dinner to get you to sign without showing it to your lawyer.

If they still have not produced a legal document two weeks before the wedding, “flip it” and tell them sweetly, “No prenup, no wedding.” When they finally do produce the prenuptial agreement, you will of course be curious to see, in the event of divorce, just how much in terms of dollars and cents your future spouse thinks each year of sex with you is worth. Resist the temptation to look at the numbers. Instead, take your spouse-to-be’s face in your hands, and tell them you have never been happier in your life. That one day the two of you will be celebrating your fiftieth anniversary and that you don’t even need to read the prenup, because the two of you are too in love to ever think about divorce, much less get one. This will make them feel even more guilty, but not so guilty they don’t quickly flip to the last page and whip out a pen for you to sign on the dotted line.

We suggest that the social climber who’s marrying into the one percent turn the big moment into
your
big moment. Kiss them passionately as you take pen in hand and suggest in your sexiest voice that the two of you put off signing just long enough to have a quickie. Do not be surprised when your future spouse suggests that he/she will screw you after you sign. Now look at the dotted line and sigh, “I really want to put this behind us, but my mother made me promise I’d never sign any legal papers until I showed them to a lawyer.” By inserting your mother into the equation you ensure that your spouse will accuse her, not you, of mistrusting him/her.

If your future wife/husband then proceeds to give you the name of a great lawyer, particularly if he/she is a member of a multigenerational-wealth family, you have now been officially alerted that you are about to be screwed. If you cannot afford to retain a lawyer equal to or better than your future spouse’s legal counsel, sign a promissory note guaranteeing an equally prestigious firm a percentage of any future divorce settlement.

If the terms of the prenup are insulting, do not take it personally. Let your lawyer take it personally. Generally speaking, a prenup guarantees the spouse coming into the marriage with fewer assets a fixed amount of money for each year of predivorce bliss. If you are marrying a Big Fish, you can expect he or she will cover your basic postdivorce expenses for somewhere between
two and five years. However, if you’ve been caught cheating on your spouse, basic expenses will be very basic.

If you’re lucky enough to be marrying a Whale, three to five years of marriage puts you on the payroll for life. Or until they get one of their Whale friends to marry you to remove you from the payroll. The big payoff in Whale prenups comes if the marriage produces children. The poorer parent can expect to be guaranteed a home and lifestyle equal to that of the richer parent so that the offspring won’t be too embarrassed to spend court-appointed days and nights with poor dad/poor mom.

All that being said, we believe that the important thing for all Mountaineers who are marrying into money to realize is, your wedding day should be a special moment unsullied by thoughts of divorce and cash settlements. If your prenuptial negotiations threaten to delay the wedding, and/or your future husband/wife insists on playing hardball regarding the terms of the prenup, take the high road, sign, and enjoy the party.

Why give up? Because you’re not giving up, you’re just making it seem as if you’re a less greedy person than your well-heeled spouse. Even the best prenuptial agreement, like the best marriage, is an act of good faith. Know that any and all prenuptial agreements can be renegotiated in your favor at a future point in time—if you make the marriage hellish enough.

The Other Big Moment—Your Wedding

Whether you’re a Mountaineer who’s marrying up or one who’s tying the knot because you think you’ll get to the top faster by working as a team, your wedding is an opportunity to climb.

A wedding is not an opportunity for you to show off how well you’re doing to the friends and family you left behind when you started social climbing. You can convey this information in a Christmas card that features an envy-inspiring photo of you and your spouse frolicking exotically on your honeymoon. If for sentimental reasons you feel obliged to send invitations to embarrassing siblings, parents, etc., hold the wedding in a foreign country so that you can be sure they won’t be able to afford to attend.

The Honeymoon

Going away to a deserted beach or on a deluxe safari for two in the wild sounds romantic, but in fact the majority of upwardly mobile newlyweds will find that being holed up with the person they’ve just agreed to spend the rest of their life with as isolating as entering the witness protection program. You cannot social climb on a deserted beach or in the middle of the jungle.

Instead, we recommend taking a honeymoon in a cushy resort where you’ll be able to hobnob with the game changers who in all likelihood were not at your wedding, i.e., Big Fish and Whales.

When the Honeymoon Is Over

You are now married. After you finish writing the thank-you notes for all the gifts you have received, certain grim realities may soon become apparent to one or both of you. The little things your spouse does that you used to think were endearing will seem less endearing—teeth grinding, snoring, urinating on the toilet seat, cleaning ears with Q-tips at the breakfast table, etc. You will become frustrated with each other due in part to the fact that Hedge Bet Dating is no longer a socially acceptable way to blow off steam. And you will soon realize that in most marriages one
partner becomes the gardener and the other the garden, which is a drag, especially if you are the gardener. If only one of you is spending all your time on your hands and knees, know that your marriage is in trouble . . .  but it doesn’t have to be that way.

A marriage between two social climbers who share the same goals and aspirations has a greater chance of success, because those married Mountaineers will recognize that tending to each other’s petty needs is not going to make their hopes and dreams come true. The good news is, neither spouse has to be a gardener if the two of you can gain access to gardens more lavish and bountiful than those you could ever grow in your own backyard.

Whereas in most marriages, after a year or two of cohabitation familiarity begins to breed contempt, married social climbers spend so much time out and about working hard to make new friends who can help them that when they get home they are too tired to bicker. Similarly, social climbing spouses are less prone to fall victim to the sexual boredom that inevitably plagues many marriages. When you are working together to seduce a Big Fish, or better yet a Whale, you will get the same seductive thrill and self-affirmation that less sophisticated couples can only find in extramarital affairs. Whether one or both of you has to sleep with the Whale you’re trying to befriend is up to you. The point is: It’s a team effort, not a selfish act.