The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile (32 page)

What every social climber needs to know before boarding a yacht:

1. Do not be surprised if the yacht’s owner is not as elegant as his or her vessel.

2. A great guest on board a yacht does not get seasick.

3. Smaller is sometimes better. If you are a guest on a yacht that is more than four hundred feet long, you will run the risk of being moored within spitting distance of a Carnival ocean liner full of tourists, as opposed to being anchored in a picturesque harbor next to topless supermodels or Daniel Craig in a Speedo.

4.
If, for instance, the said Whale boat is a classic 134-foot yawl, know that “she” is a sailboat, i.e., there will be no swimming pool, limited room for sunbathing, and the toilets will be smaller than the one you sat on in the private jet you flew in on.

5. When you are a guest on even the biggest of megayachts, you are a captive audience; you are at your Whale’s mercy. You go where the Whale goes and do what the Whale wants you to do, except when the megayacht is boarded by pirates or uninvited guests the yacht owner owes large sums of money to. While the Whale is held for ransom, you, no matter how great a guest you are, will be set adrift . . . if you’re lucky.

H
ow do we measure the greatness of a Mountaineer? By the distance climbed, or the highest point achieved during a lifetime. Are Mountaineers only as good as that last rung they were standing on when they met their maker? Do we award style points for technique, superior name-dropping skills, the ability to suck up without ever seeming to be sucking up? Should bonus points be awarded for the number of exclusive clubs a climber has gotten into, or given to those who have successfully married all their children off to Whales without one of them ever signing a prenup? Is the greatest climber the one who made the most money or the one who had the most fun?

Is the most successful climber the one never suspected of being a climber or is it the Mountaineer who got to the top, in spite of the fact that he is an internationally renowned social climber? We say kudos to those reigning size-two society divas touted in glossy magazines who employ PR firms and charm in their assault on the summit for having the courage to climb in public. And more important, we recognize that it took more
than their being pushy and having an eating disorder to get where they are today.

How does patriotism figure into the equation used to ascertain greatness? One can become president, prime minister, or a second-rate dictator without being a first-rate patriot, but one cannot be a great politician without being a master social climber. How do we compare their climb to that of the spiritual Mountaineer—the humble parish priest who eventually gets himself elected pope?

We have given you all the basic climbing skills you need to meet and make the kinds of friends who can make your dreams come true. But you have to do your part. Don’t just repeat your mantra before you head off to your next cocktail party, wedding, funeral, charity gala, debutante bash, or business meeting. Say “I CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME NOT TO BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT ME IS TRUE IF I DON’T WANT IT TO BE. I WILL NOT BE JUDGED” out loud to yourself each and every morning when you look in the mirror.

Yes, there will be moments of doubt. But if you suddenly feel shy or tongue-tied while trying to impress a Big Fish, just think of Rick James and repeat one of our all-purpose key
phrases for polite conversation. Tell them, “They say the same thing about the octopus” in Portuguese and you will be guaranteed a seat in the winner’s circle.

Take our advice on how to make the most of Big Fish, Whales, Swans, Turtles, and Unicorns; follow our step-by-step instructions on dating, love, and prenuptials; remember to handwrite thank-you notes; and before you know it, you’ll be the kind of person you used to envy.

No one book can contain all there is to know about climbing. You still have a lot to learn. But we promise you, by the time you’ve mastered the fundamentals outlined on these pages, we will have completed volume two of
The Social Climber’s Bible
, and together we’ll raise your game to a whole new level.

Great things don’t happen by accident. Yes, God has to be on your side, but so do you. The most challenging mountain you must climb lies within yourself: That mountain is called Self-Doubt and is haunted by all those who have snubbed you and have made you think you’re unworthy of having your dreams come true. Now that you have read
The Social Climber’s Bible
, know this, YOU ARE THE ONLY THING HOLDING YOU BACK FROM MAKING YOUR LIFE GREAT!

Social climbing is about making meaningful friendships each and every day, or as his Holiness, the Dalai Lama, puts it,

Not everyone can be as selfless a Mountaineer as the Dalai Lama, who tirelessly networks and hobnobs with the rich, famous and powerful 24/7/365 for world peace, but you can start making the world a better place by improving your position in it today.

We can’t climb the mountain for you, but
The Social Climber’s Bible
will be there with you every step of the way. If you run into trouble, need advice about how to impress a Big Fish, get invited to a wedding, or just want to brag about the fabulous week you spent on a Whale’s megayacht, email us at [email protected]. For those of you who, after reading our
Bible
, feel inspired to say, “F**k You! Your superficiality makes me embarrassed to be a human being,” in advance, we thank you for your opinion, and if you send us your name and address we will do our best to invite you to our next party.

W
e could not have written
The Social Climber’s Bible
without the help of a great many people. Naturally, we would like to acknowledge those individuals who were willing to speak to us openly and honestly about their own personal mountaineering experiences by name . . . but not surprisingly, they preferred to remain anonymous. We would also like to thank those well-known Mountaineers who were eager to meet with us and be quoted on the subject of modern manners but stood us up when they discovered that our title was
The Social Climber’s Bible
.

We owe a special debt of gratitude to Patrick Nolan, Emily Murdock Baker, and everyone else at Penguin for their advice, enthusiasm, and most of all, for having the courage to sponsor a serious study of social climbing. And finally, a heartfelt thank-you to our friend and agent, Zoë Pagnamenta, for the encouragement and wise counsel she offered us from day one of this project.