The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (3 page)

“I say, Mr. Temperance, our options for escape are effectively nil. This small island is now completely aswarm with galloping, gregarious girls of grudge laden granite.”

“You’re sure right about that, Miss Plumtartt, these gals are running around like they are  on some sort of geologic Sadie Hawkins Day Jamboree.”

“Tempsi-nance, you babbling fool! Get us back to my ship! These women of stone will not be able to swim after us!”

“Yessir, Perfesser! I see it! There’s the ship we came in on, the Italian, ‘
Roman Hands’
. It is at anchor, just beyond the coral reef that surrounds this island. If we can make it to our Venetian launch, we can make it to the ship.”

“Oh, Mr. Temperance! This soft sand is slowing down our ‘Ped-O-Pillar’. This island’s all girl revue quickly closes upon us.”

“Signorina Plumtartt is right! We must abandon this tractor and run for the gondola!”

“The sand is slowing down them big ol’ girls, but this is going to be cutting it pretty close! Put your foot into the cup of my interlaced fingers and I’ll give you a boost aboard, Miss Plumtartt. You too, Perfesser Fuzziwitz, but I wish you would turn loose of that dang fertilizer symbol.”

“Quiet boy, I mean to escape with my artifact prize! Get me aboard this gondola!”

“Yessir, up you go, and now I’ll just give us and push and then scramble up behind you. Gearacoggi, wake up! You’ve got to get us out of here, quick! C’mon, Mr. Gearacoggi, you sleepy, spring-driven, clockwork gondolier, we got trouble. There are hundreds of giant rock women about to grab us up and rip us into little shreds!”

“Beep, beep. Si, si, Signore Temperanci, I see, see. Beep, beep. Itta looksa like-ah we gots the big female troubles thissa time-ah for the sure, henh, boss? Beep, beep.”

“That’sa, that is, I mean, that’s right, Mr. Gearacoggi. Please move a little/lotta faster if you don’t mind, sir. We are very close to being vamped to death by vengeful, and vindictive Valentine Valkyries.”

“Beep, beep. Oh, but-ah Signore Temperanci, there is always time for the amori, henh? Beep, beep.”

“Almost always, Mr. Gearacoggi, but not this time. Gondolier us out of here as fast as possible!”

“Beep, beep. But all the fine Signoras wish to share their affections, henh? Beep, beep. It breaksa my Italian spring-driven heart to deny these many beautiful womens of my romantic nature, si? Beep, beep.”

“Oh, I say, perhaps this will help. Er, excuse me, Signore Gearacoggi?”

“Beep, beep. Si, Signora Plumtartt? Beep, beep.”

“Mr. Temperance has expressed an interest concerning indulgence in passionate love making once we are back aboard the
‘Roman Hands’
. Please hurry us back to the ship before he changes his mind.”

“Miss Plumtartt!”

“
Shh
, Mr. Temperance!”

“Beep, beep. Hey, why didn’t you say so! Beep, beep. Away we go! Beep, beep.”

“Faster please, Mr. Gearacoggi, even if you do have the wrong idea about Miss Plum...Ow!”

“I say, faster please, Signore Gearacoggi!”

“Beep, beep.”

“Oh, Mama Mia,”

“I loves to see-ah”

“The lovers so happy,”

“and to sing this song so sappy.”

“Oh, Persephone-ah”

“Come hold your Icksi-bod so tight.”

“Give him the big smoochy kiss-ah,”

“Love him with all your might.”

“To-mor-r-r-r-r-o-o-ow,”

“may be too late.”

“Killer women of stone press against us,”

“What a tragic fate.”

“Beep, beep.”

“Ohhhhhhh, Mama Mi...GLURCKTCH!”

~
eeeeeEEEEEERRRRRrrr
~

SPROING-OING-OING-OING-YOING!

“Zoinks! Those rock women ripped Mr. Gearacoggi apart like he was a wet tissue in a hurricane! These rock maidens is fired up and they ain’t playing around none neither! We’re caught!”

“Very well, you giant, scintillating, though stingy, Silicon Signoras, have your silly old fertility symbol back. It’s nothing but a phallacy! Here, catch!”

“It worked Professor! The statuesque girls have stopped their attack. I think they are satisfied with their trophy and have no need of Mankind.”

“Or just, ‘man’, in general, Mr. Temperance.”

“It feels good to be back aboard the ‘
Roman Hands’
and off of that dangerous island, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, that Pacific Isle turned out to be fraught with peril. Fortunately we have once again escaped with our lives. Good show, that, I say, hear, hear.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, I would sure feel bad if I went and let us get killed. I feel nice and safe aboard the Professor’s ship, though. This ocean paddler ship we sail on maintains a respectable pace, plowing the wide, Pacific expanses. This is one of my favourite activities, Miss Plumtartt, that is, laying on the deck of a ship at night and looking up into the infinite oceans of the universe above. Contemplating the size of the Galaxy and realizing one’s significance, or lack thereof, is a humbling thought. Thinking about the depths of the interstellar void tends to boggle my mind.”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance, though I find the celestial display to be most soothing. In fact, this wide Cosmos helped to bring you and me into contact with one another, for I do not think that we would have otherwise met if not for the intrusion of the ‘
Revelatory Comet’
.”

“You’re right about that, Miss Plumtartt! It’s almost eight years since our Solar System hosted that visitor from the trackless void. In the summer of 1869, that sparkly white Celestial snowball came barreling through our little gathering of planets. The comet was a pretty sight when it first showed up, but then it came back around from the other side of the Sun. The tremendous gravity well had sucked the fearsome comet in and flung her back with the accompanying momentum of a gigantic discus throw. Everybody thought it was going to smash straight into us, but instead, it flew past right before we collided. The Earth then passed through the tail of that Comet and we ain’t been the same since. Those sparkly bits of the Comet’s tail we ran through were invisible to the nekkid eye, but apparently must have been absorbed somehow. That encounter had an unusual effect on a number of this planet’s inhabitants. Our world has been swarming with scientists and artists of every conceivable stripe. I must admit, I would not have the same knack for invention and general tinkering if I were not among the many that have been affected by the ‘
Revelatory Comet’s
unusual effect on our planet. I’m just a plain old Alabama farmboy and you are a British aristocrat. If not for the ‘
Revelatory Comet’,
I never would have gotten to meet you, Miss Plumtartt, and that would be tragic.”

“My word, Mr. Temperance, you do say the sweetest things. Your sentimentality is among your hidden charms. I must admit, I too am enjoying this time beneath the stars. Tell me, can you name a few constellations for me?”

“Yes, Ma’am, but that’s only because we have now sailed into the the Northern Hemisphere. That there is Andromeder, um, I mean, Andromeda.”

“Very nice, Mr. Temperance, and that little cluster over there, do they have some ancient relevancy, eh hem?”

“Yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, those shiny diamonds in the sky are the fishies, Pisces.”

“Delightful, sir, can you identify any more?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Over yonder are the twins, Gemini.”

“Am I mistaken Mr. Temperance, or does that one tiny little star have a pink aura about it, eh hem?”

“Hunh, it is kind of pinkish, ain’t it? I don’t recall ever noticing that one before, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Good Heavens, sir, if I am not mistaken, the colourful dot of light is mobile. Moreover, it now appears to be circling the ship, dropping into a closer trajectory and orbit of this vessel.”

“Why, it’s a little bubble of pink luminance, Miss Plumtartt! I think it’s headed right for you and me!”

“Indeed Mr. Temperance, our softly glowing, ephemeral sphere, as it reveals itself to be, drops slowly down before us to hover a few feet off the deck of our ship. At this distance, it now shares its diminutive dimension with us, for now we can see that it is but a mere twenty inches in diameter.”

“There’s something inside that floating, pink, soap bubble Ma’am! In fact, I think it is a somebody! No it’s
two
somebodies! There’s two little gals in there! They can’t be but about a foot tall. They sure are happy and energetic! The little Asian girls inside are very spirited dancers! Wearing plain, red, shapeless skirts of a minimum hemline length, these short smocks are covered over with golden paisley designs that convey a sense of frolicsome paramecium or tadpoles in a crowded pond. Their shoulder length black hair is partially restrained from their glee filled faces by bright blue headbands.”

“How extraordinary, Mr. Temperance. A lively, alternating of tapped toes is markedly more pronounced in their knee-high, white bootwear. The synchronized movement has yet to abate an iota. Frenetic, sideways bobs of their cheerful heads is in perfect time and harmony of one another’s identical sister.”

“They sure are in tune with one another all right! Now they are waving their arms up and down right in front of themselves, first with the right arm and then the left. Somehow, they are able to engage their hips to move at the same time as their arm movement. Do they seem to be doing a funny imitation of a monkey?”

“Perhaps, Mr. Temperance. Ah, now they corkscrew their arms straight out from the shoulder in an effort to simulate the action of propelling oneself through water. Exaggerated hip, head, and toe taps accompany this mimicry. Joyfully giving us a wink, and with uncanny synchronization, they turn their heads in taking a breath of air in the imaginary, watery medium.”

“That’s pretty neat! Lookey there, Miss Plumtartt, now, they are pretending to duck down under the pretend water as they pinch their noses closed and with an entrancing, feminine fluidity, holding their knees together, they sashay all the way down to their boot heels and continue the mermaiden motion all the way back up to the imaginary water’s surface. I think that their flouncy and flirtatious gyrations are subduing just a tad. Maybe this is a good time to break the ice.”

“Howdy there, Ladies. My name is Ichabod Temperance and this here is Miss Persephone Plumtartt. May we be of some sort of assistance?”

“Nah, nuh, nah, nuh, nah, nuh.”

“Hey! Hey! Hey!”

“Nah, nuh, nah, nuh, nah, nuh.”

“Hey! Hey! Hey!”

“There’s trouble afoot,”

“Someones been naughty.”

“The Fairy Dust sought you out,”

“Ichs-a-body!”

“Eh hem, indeed, ladies. Just what sort of naughtiness and troubles were you wanting to get Mr. Temperance embroiled in, eh hem?”

“Buh-dahba, boom!”

“Buh-dahba, bing!”

“Buh-dahba, zing, zang, zow!”

“You’re in this too, Persephone,”

“Watch out, now!”

“Who are you girls?”

“Hey! Hey!”

“Ho! Ho!”

“We have spirit”

“and it has to show!”

“Yeah, yeah!”

“Oh, no!”

“Our first name is,”

“IndiGoGo!”

“Spinning around,”

“and around we twirl!”

“I’m an indie,”

“She’s an indie,”

“IndiGoGo Girl!”

“Well, Miss IndiGoGo Girls, Ma’ams, what seems to be the trouble?”

“A terrible man,”

“His experiments are unmentionable!”

“He destroys all he can,”

“His habits are abominable!”

“Twisting Nature in his hands,”

“His actions are unspeakable.”

“Despair surrounds all his lands,”

“His refuge is unsinkable!”

“Receiving your help would be grand,”

“The alternative is unthinkable!”

“Where is all this taking place?”

“With towering volcanos”

“and bordered by black sand,”

You are hereby invited to,”

“Monstrous Island!”

“I’ve never heard of ’Monstrous Island’, Misses IndiGoGo Girls Ma’ams. How do we get there?”

“Hey, it’s all good,”

“Yeah, it’s all right.”

“Everything is groovy,”

“Just hang on tight.”

“We’re going on a journey,”

“We’re going on a flight.”

“We’ll ride along the wind,”

“Through the velvety night.”

“Miss Plumtartt! The pink sphere is glowing more brightly!”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, I believe that I detect a distinct swelling in the bubble’s size as well.”

“Yikes! This bubble has quickly grown in size and now encompasses you and me in it, along with the IndiGoGo Girls. Hey, they are not tiny anymore! Now they are full sized young ladies.”

“It may be a matter of perspective, Mr. Temperance. Our present manner of transport has left the deck of our ship and is swiftly soaring into the night sky.”

“I can see Professer Fuzziwitz running out on deck and looking after us in disbelief as we sail off into the air.”

“Sorry, Professor,”

“But you were such a bore.”

“The kids are with us,”

“We’re splitting, out the door.”

Adventure is awaiting,”

“We just can’t ignore.”

“Persephone and Icky,”

“Monstrous Island will explore!”