The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (10 page)

“Stop wrecking my lovely orchards, you big jerk! Oh no, just look at how my careful arrays of neat and orderly groves of delicious fruits are being maliciously and contemptuously wrecked! All the trees are kicked into messy piles of upturned rootballs. My tangy tangerines are trampled! My pineapples are pummeled with pugilistic impunity! The big bully has butchered my cherished cherries! Oh woe are my watermelons! I am laid low, languished with lemons lament. What you have done to my limes are crimes!”

“Steady on, Gumibara, I say, for all your super-monster greatness, it is suicidal for you to confront this behemoth. Yes, quite, my word!”

“I know Persephone, but what am I going to do?”

“You must be the bear that bears the unbearable, my stalwart friend.”

“Now he is headed for my lovely lagoon! Like, woah, uncool dude! He is kicking my swinging grotto and beautiful rock gardens to smithereens! This is totally bogus!”

“It’ll be all right, Mr. TiTaupKamaro, sir. We’ll help you rebuild your rock gardens and tropical paradise lagoon back the way you like, just as soon as we get a handle on handling this crisis.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, this colossus is too swift for us to keep up our pursuit. I suggest we rest a moment and gather our thoughts, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt. This boy ain’t gonna be hard to track. I reckon that even a city-bred, blind-folded, librarian with a head-cold would have the requisite tracking skills needed to follow this prey. Let’s stop and catch our breath.”

“Hai, Ichsa-bod, it is my observation that this monster will soon tire of the limited manner in which he can express his general anger and rage on this island. I predict that he will soon depart these shores to spread his terror to the rest of the world.”

“Ehnn-there is nothing that you can do to stop this super-monster! He is the greatest super-monster of all time!”

“Ach, Laurie Petier is correct! The greatest super-monster in history is unleashed upon an unsuspecting and unprepared world, but thanks to your blundering interferences, instead of being under my dominance, this creature operates in the arena of anarchy!”

“Oh, Jubei, I feel such shame and sorrow for having been a part of this tragedy. Perhaps I can express my broken heart in this humble haiku:”

“Super-Monster plague”

“Sorrow as cold winter wind.”

“Sad, Rhianico.”

“Oh my precious Rhianico! You are breaking my samurai heart! I must compose a tender haiku in sympathy with your lovely offering, hai!”

“Duty, honour, pledge.”

“Determination ignite.”

“Chivalry lives on.”

“No mortal shall show more chivalrous honour than I, Gumibara! I shall write the quintessential haiku for the occasion! Let my genteel and delicate nuances convey the bottomless depths of my perfect empathy!”

“Sugar river vow.”

“Tower terror do cower!”

“Bear without mercy.”

“Bah, Gumibara, your pathetic attempts at poetics are more clumsy than your dated, and ridiculous, dance maneuvers! Let TiTaupKamaro show you how to swiftly compose the appropriate poem!”

“Oh, super-monster.”

“Stompy feet. Long tail unbound.”

“Island in peril.”

“Now, don’t you fret, TiTaupKamaro, I am with Gumibara. I’m a reckoning that there must be some way of stopping this super-duper-monster before he goes on a world-wide swath of unstoppable destruction. Maybe I can express my sentiments in strangely strict, rigidly inflexible, numbered, awkward phrasing like y’all did.”

“Danger Ocean deep”

“Icky’s shallow pond, floody.”

“Swim, Bama boy, swim.”

“Bah! You fools! You have no concept of the ramifications of today’s catastrophe! I laugh at your dilemma brought on by your goody/goody, nosy interference. This disaster for Mankind is all your fault, you collected buffoons! Here is the view of Doctor Cyclops, oops, I mean, Doctor Atwell Lionelstein!”

“Plan thwarted. Sad Doc.”

“Last laugh, sweet, final cackle.”

“Monster stomp on kids.”

“Ehnn-yes, Herr Dauktor! Ha, ha! This disaster rests firmly upon the shoulders of these meddling kids and monsters! Ha, ha! It is up to you foolish young people, to clean up this mess, ha, ha! Here is what I think of your inconsiderate interference:”

“Global threat, gory.”

“Hunchback assistant Petier,”

“Credit, Miss Laurie.”

“Dear me, I was so hoping to avoid this little poetic throw-down but if I must, I must, so it would seem, eh hem?”

“Heavy burden bourne.”

“Reptile chow, human menu.”

“Victory avowed.”

“Bah! Sentimental drivel is all I am hearing. Face it, you are beaten and there is nothing you can do to stop this beast!”

“My word, Doctor, you can at least grant us a moment to contemplate the dilemma, eh hem? Mr. Temperance, do you, sir, have any ideas for staying this monster?”

“Hmm, let’s see. Maybe if we could trip him up, we could run up real quick and get a gigantic kelp muzzle on him long enough to hog-tie his feet. This would be predicated on being able to quickly weave about a mile or so of seaweed into unbreakable rope.”

“Your rope from kelp scheme is admirable, Mr. Temperance; however, it may fail in having the textile strength we are in need of, yes? Forgive my lack of confidence in your grappling skills, sir, but I suspect that even you might require a spot of leverage if you are to maintain one of your ‘Tennessee Toe-holds’, yes?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. How about we use flashing lights to disorient and mesmerize the animal.”

“Though you, sir, are all too susceptible to the outside control of hypnotic suggestion, and are often captivated into drooling stupor by twinkling Christmas lights, I can’t help but think the monster’s constant rage keeps him secure from our influence and interference, in that ingenious arena, eh hem?”

“What about rubbing his belly to put him to sleep?”

“Doubtful, and impracticable.”

“Maybe we could try music to soothe the savage beast?”

“That is not a bad idea. Music will in all probability have a calming effect on the beast. Perhaps it will be enough to encourage the gastronomic nightmare to slow his mad rate of intake, thus taking the time to savour the cities he devours, rather than gulping them down without relishing the subtle differences of each locale.”

“That’s it for me, Miss Plumtartt, I am slap out of sage advice.”

“Did someone mention music and needing advice? Why, that’s it! We must summon the IndiGoGo Girls to give us wise council! Gumibara, I was just kidding about your inability to dance. Actually, you are quite skilled in the arts of graceful motion. Get up and do that VooDoo, that you do, oh, so well!”

“TiTaupKamaro, you’re right! I’ll do it! Everybody stand way back! This is going to take some heavy duty dancing. It’s a good thing that I am a heavy duty dancing bear!”

skippity-hippity-hop!

stompity-hoppity-skip!

skippity skip!

hoppity hop!

stompity-stompity-plop!

“That sure is some good dancing, Gumibara, but it ain’t working yet, bud. Do you know anymore dance steps?”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Do I know anymore dance steps!?!
Uppity human, I should
crush
you for your insolence! Of course I know more dance steps! Stand back! Here I go!
RRRRAWR!!!”

stompity-boppity, stompity-boppity

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

stompity-boppity, stompity-boppity

Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.

Stamp, bamp, buh-dampity

Stamp, bamp, buh-dampity

Wham, Bam, Slamity-Bam!

“How’s that?”

“Ain’t no sign of them little ol’ IndiGoGo Girls yet, Gumibara. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“I say, gentlemen, if I may make an observation, eh hem? It would seem that our Koalan friend has a penchant for thrashing himself about, in a manner that is very much anathemic to our desired visitors. I would suggest that our gracious Gumibara send out a dancing summons more in accord with the ladies’ preferred musical format.”

“Oh, sure, I get you, Persephone! Less stomping around, and more stationary, side to side, hip bounces! Hey, Persephone, is this right? Am I getting the arm movements like they do? Hey, Persephone look at me! Are you watching? Is this it?”

“Yes, Gumibara, that is it precisely! Dance with an emphasis on hip maneuvers! Hear, hear! That is wonderful dear fellow! Your forward and backward pelvic thrust, while arguably an indecent public display, are certainly of an energy and enthusiasm which the young ladies prefer. That’s it, Gumibara, your natural wiggling and jiggling attributes are perfectly suited to this sort of popular culture gyration sweeping the island nation. Hear, hear, I quite approve of your twitching shoulders old boy! Work in a double hip bounce to each side as you keep time, as these should coincide with the side to side tossing about of your great head.”

“How am I doing, Persephone?”

“Splendid, Gumibara, I absolutely adore your interpretive stylizations. I see that you are able to incorporate your frenetic arm movements in a counter-point to your hip bounces and hula-loops. Feel free to interlace your fingers behind your head to provide a point of stasis while doing the wide hip circles if you think it will assist you in any way.”

“Far out, Persephone, I am feeling groovy!”

wiggle-dy, wiggle, wiggle.

Jiggle! Jiggle! Jiggle!

wiggle-dy, wiggle, wiggle.

Jiggle! Jiggle! Jiggle!

“Come see us little cuties,”

“We want to say hello!”

“We need some advice,”

“I’m quite the troubled fellow!”

“Though my belly it wiggles,”

“Like a barrel full of jello!”

“The Island calls her Fairies,”

“Guardian Girlies, IndiGoGo!”

“Bah! You silly bear! Cease the incessant shimmies of your fructose sweetened butt! You have no idea how silly you look, you big sugar-britches, super-monster! Monstrous Island’s fabled guardian angels, the IndiGoGo Girls are a myth!”

“That ain’t true, Doctor Lionelstein! Gumibara, the IndiGoGo Girls do exist! Please continue with your pleas.”

“Okey-dokey, Icha-pokey.”

“Hai, and maybe a bit more go-go-ish.”

“RRRRAWR!!!
My movements are totally ’go-go-ish’!
RRRRAWR!!!”

“Hai, hai, hai. Of course, Gumibara! I only meant in terms of your singing, oh mighty sticky one!”

“Yes, you are correct Jubei. My singing should reflect a manner that is more in line with the IndiGoGo Girls’ trendy vocals. Hmm, I think too that I want some back-up.”

“Oh, if you please, mighty Gumibara, I beseech you, allow Jubei and myself to be your back-up dancers and singers!”

“So be it, Rhianico. With you and Jubei dancing alongside of me, combined with a more suitable singing style, surely we will make ourselves heard to the white-booted ones! Now I shall better channel the energy needed to summon the twin faeries.”

“Hey, hey, hey!”

“Yeah!”

“Hey, hey, hey!”

“We need a little guidance,”

“We need it today!”

“Monstrous Islands, Faerie Protectors,”

“Come out and play!”

“We’re in lots of trouble,”

“Danger swirls,”

“We really need the help,”

“Of the IndiGoGo Girls!”

“Enh, henh, henh, henh! What a bunch of superstitious idiots! You are the most meddlesome, bothersome, and troublesome kids and stupid super-monsters I have ever seen! You and this planet are doomed!”

“Oh no we ain’t, Miss Laurie Petier, Ma’am! Come on, Miss Plumtartt, let’s do our part and get in on some of this IndiGoGo Girl dancing.”

“Yes, quite, I say, perhaps it does behoove one to channel a bit of boogie to one’s bustle if the fate of our imperiled planet rests upon it, so to speak, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am.”

“Is it effective when I bend in a slight crouch, grip my knees, and then work the posterior attributes?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Golly, I didn’t know you could bounce your bustle up and down that fast, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am!”

“It is imperative that one disengage one’s pelvis and then trust in the application of the inertial momentum stored within.”

“Yes, Ma’am. We’re with you, Gumibara! Where do you want us to do our IndiGoGo Girl dancing?”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Jubei and Rhianico shall position themselves on my right! I will push my brilliant, ever-changing body-lights to their brightest levels! Further, I shall allow the pulsations of my hyper-active hips to control the pacing of the lights movements! This will surely evoke the surroundings of a mythical, fantasy, discotheque that will prove irresistible to our Monstrous Island Monarchs!
RRRRAWR!!!
Where was I? Oh, yes, Icky and Persephone shall line up on my left. Let’s see, what are we missing?”