The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (6 page)

“Honourable giant Keijo of gelatin, we are now clear of Doctor Lionelstein’s guns. Please stop crushing us and let us down.”

“Hey there, Gumibara, this handsome young Nipponese gentleman with the serious expression is right. How’s about taking a breather so this feller can introduce himself?”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Very well, I shall halt my swift withdrawal from todays combat! I would certainly be victorious had I not needed to lend assistance to these puny, weak, fragile humans that are now my friends! I too, am curious as to who this brazen and brave warrior is. Identify yourself, soldier!
RRRRAWR!!!
”

“Hai, my thick and gooey friend. I am a man on a quest, and I shall not be denied! That castle holds my own, one true love prisoner! After many great trials, I have found my way to this secret island. I was surveying the keep in preparation for assault when I saw your own clumsy attempts to gain entry. I quickly reasoned that you would be potential allies in defeating the terrible Doctor Autwell Lionelstein and his unkind assistant, Laurie Petier. My name is, Jubei Trevorgawa. Hai!”

“Hi! Ain’t that a funny coincidence, us having the same word for saying hello! Well, we sure can’t thank you enough for saving our lives back there Mr. Trevorgawa-San, sir. My name is Ichabod Temperance. The big gelatinous fella of bright, ever changing colours is Gumibara. This gorgeous slice of British sunshine here in the emerald dress is Miss Persephone Plumtartt.”

“How very charming to make your acquaintance, Mr. Trevorgawa. Good show, saving our lives back there at the castle, yes, rather, I say, hear, hear. I trust that you have made a thorough study of our target, eh hem? Pity that we have tipped our hand, though, for I was so hoping to just sneak in and disrupt Doctor Lionelstein’s evil doings without a lot of undue carnage, but that may no longer be a viable option, drat our luck.”

“There, there, Miss Plumtartt, there ain’t no need to start dropping four letter words, Ma’am.”

“It is quite all right, Itchybod Temperansa-San, I am not offended.”

“I say, Jubei, could you please explain your impressive attire and singular kit?”

“Beautiful Miss Persephone Plumtartt, I will answer your question. Drawing myself into the tallest, and straightest of stances, I bravely square my shoulders, throwing my well-developed chest out. This stylish armour I wear, that coincidentally conforms to, and enhances the appearance of my musculature, is a part of my super-secret-agent-bodyguard-samurai uniform. So too, the clever gadgets that adorn my belt, such as the projecto-pelled grappling hook, smoke bombs, Ninjarang, climbing claws, caltrops, and microtized toiletry/detectives kit. Many years of hard mental, physical, and emotional training are etched across my hardened body and resolute features. Every nuance of my posture proclaims my depth of self discipline! My chin juts out defiantly, bourne upon a jaw of righteousness. My brows, though, swell with the importance of the task that lies before me. The gravity they contain pulls my noble head forward until that powerful jaw is at rest on this purpose filled chest. My dark eyes stare out from beneath these brooding brows to scowl at you, my companions. Be very careful, for I feel as if a flicker of lightning may leak out of their scorching scans.”

“Uh, you was gonna fill us in on this here fort’s defenses, sir...”

“Hai!”

“Hi!”

“The extensive fortress wall rises straight up from its rocky foundations as if it had been grown there. Both ends of the wall are bounded by sheer, unassailable cliffs, rising up from a raging sea. The land access is covered by dozens of heavy rifle gauge Gattling guns, many repeating cannons, and hordes of robot murder-machines. This human monster, Doctor Lionelstein, can allow the defenses to operate either autonomously or under his own personal control through electro and mechanical means.”

“If I may be so bold as to prompt you, Mr. Trevorgawa, but did you mention something about being on a rescue mission of some kind, eh hem?”

“Hai, Persephone, Doctor Lionelstein’s adopted sister is being held there against her will! She and I are madly in love! I must rescue her! She is but a tiny, ephemeral flower petal floating through streams of brutish mistreatment. Her fragile form shall surely crumple in the toxic proximity of Doctor Atwell Lionelstein! Her little upturned nose should not be made to suffer his noxious odours! Her innocent eyes must not witness the terrors that he has given life. Her delicate fingers should not be made to cook his food. Her teeny-weeny, tiny, little, feet should not be made to walk on his soaking clothes to wash his filthy laundry. I must free my beautiful Rhianico!”

“RRRRAWR!!!
There is no rescuing anyone from that deathtrap! Even I, the Great Gumibara could not force my way into that impregnable fortress. It is impossible!
RRRRAWR!!!”

“No, not impossible! It
must
be done! True, we alone cannot do it, but with the right help, I think we can defeat the Doctor and gain a great victory! Hai!”

“Hi! What’d you have in mind, Mr. Trevorgawa-San?”

“We must enlist the help of the other super-monsters on this island. I gained information about one that lives on top of the central mountain range. This one has not been seen in several years and is thought to have not survived the ‘Excoriation Process.’ The poor creature fled to the in-accessible heights of those savage mountains, presumably to die. There is a super-monster that I think can be approached to help us in this campaign. We need the help of the one born of the sea.”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Don’t make me laugh! Hardy har, har! That ridiculous excuse of a super-monster could never accomplish as much as I, Gumibara!
RRRRAWR!!!”

“Do not underestimate that super-monster, Gumibara! Remember, you have never actually bested him yourself in combat! You always fight to a draw! Separately, you two are unable to beat the Doctor, but together, you shall share in a glorious triumph! Hai!”

“No, he is too hard headed, Jubei. His skull is as thick as his exoskeleton. He won’t listen to me, you, or anybody else!”

“He is just as keen to have Monstrous Island free from this contamination as you are, Gumibara! If it means having a chance at defeating the evil Doctor Lionelstein, then we must try! Hai!”

“Oh bother. Very well, if the outcome of this temporary partnership means evicting Doctor Lionelstein from our beloved Monstrous Island, then I shall do it!
RRRRAWR!!!”

Oh, Monstrous Island, how I relish your many culinary offerings! The endless and varied plant life are a never-ending buffet! The lush leaves of your sweltering jungles are always delicious.

Ahh, yes. A quick dip in the large, extended basin of my coral lagoon is the perfect way to start the day off right! The cool turquoise water is so inviting!

“Ha, ha!”

I always make a big splash when I jump in the water from the diving platform! The temperature is perfect! A few high speed circuits of my giant, personal pool and I can easily catch plenty of fish to eat for breakfast!

Hey, there’s a big fishie! Why, you’re a Great White Shark! A big one, too! Swim, swim, swim, as fast as you can Mr. Shark-dude, you can’t escape me!

-gobble, gobble, gobble-

“You were delicious! Yum! Ha, ha!”

I am not sure if I am properly ballasted. I think I’ll climb up out of the pool and go relax on the springs.

Mmm! Oh yes! That updraft is delicious! These natural, methane gas springs are absolutely decadent! Ah, I could just lie here all day and let my sub-shell gaseous conversion and compression absorbing membranes soak in the intoxicating vapors.

Ahh, this is the life, a two ton shark for breakfast and a bit of methane gas aroma therapy to clear my mind for the day...

What was that? I could have sworn I heard someone call my name! I did, because there it goes again! It’s that sweetener-addled, saccharine-brained, Gumibara again! All right, sugar britches, if you want me to come out and humiliate you once more, you only have to ask once.

My membranes were very nearly full anyway. This super-monster clown, Gumibara, has selected the worst time to come around and pick a fight! It’s about time I took this loudmouth out! Oh yeah, let’s get it on!

All right, let’s just take this nice and easy. Instigating a light fuel feed to my rear flippers, immediately followed with a sparked, ...
ignition!
Check! Both rear feet are visually confirmed to be alight! Instigating a light fuel feed to my forward flippers, immediately followed with a sparked, …
ignition!
Check! My front feet are alight and holding a steady flame! Okay, okay, I’m calm. I have my breathing under control. I have my balance. Increasing fuel feed on all limbs. I’m up! So far so good, the hover is holding. A little more feed gets me up high enough that I can see over my ornamental, yet functionally protective barrier wall so that I may witness my tubby and gooey interloper.

There he is! Hah, hah, hah! He has three, tiny, little humans with him; as if they will help him to face me! Hah! I shall destroy Gumibara, and eat his human friends for brunch!

---

“Gee, Mr. Gumibara sir, maybe your friend doesn’t want to come out and see us?”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Nonsense! When Gumibara comes knocking, you had better open the door. Protect your frail, puny, human ears as I call out the inferior monsters name once again. If he does not respond, I break in and drag him out!”

“I say, thank you so much for the warning Mr. Gumibara. If I may add, though, before you exert yourself unnecessarily, I do detect an unusual sound, seemingly in response to the repeated calling of your island companion’s name.”

“I hear it too, Miss Plumtartt. It reminds me of that time you and I visited an active blast furnace. Remember how those big steam engines would send a roaring wind in a screaming howl of destructive power?”

“Yes, Mr. Temperance, I do think you have quite nailed the quality of the aural assault. If I am not very much mistaken, the source of the maelstrom is rising above that hillside.”

“Hot Chocolate Sundaes in July, look at that, Miss Plumtartt! It’s a giant sea turtle! When I say giant, I mean, it is
really
gigantic! That tortoise must be fifty feet across!”

“It is not the creature’s size that is so impressive, Mr. Temperance, as the creature’s uncanny ability and method of flight! Am I mistaken, or does that reptile maintain altitude by means of firing rocket jets of flame from the center of its four, flippered, feet?”

“Yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, that monster has made a vertical take-off and is now hovering in place. That is a wondrous sight to see something in flight like that. Verily, as it stalls, I don’t think I have ever seen anything hairier.”

“RRRRAWR!!!
I want to speak to you, fly-boy! You have been summoned by the Great Gumibara! Kneel before me, knave!
RRRRAWR!!!”

“You must be insane, Gumibara. All that candy has gone to your head! I kneel to no man, and to no beast! I am the greatest super-monster of all time! I am, . . . TiTaupKamaro!
GRONK!!!

“Please Mr. TiTaupKamaro, sir, we need your help...”

“RRRRAWR!!!
Be quiet, Icky, I have changed my mind! I no longer see any need in suffering this inferior super-monster to join our sacred quest! Go away, TiTaupKamaro, and come along, puny humans, I knew this was a bad idea all along. We’ll find another way to defeat the evil Professor Lionelstein.”

“GRONK!!!
Not so fast, Gumibara! I shall teach you a lesson in manners, first! Now is the time in which I
totally
beat you once and for all! Not only that, but I shall enjoy devouring your mercenary human army as well! It’s munchie time, baby, oh yeah!
GRONK!!!”

“We better get out of the way, y’all, this tremendous turtle and towering teddy are fixin’ to tussle in a titanic throw-down!”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance. Gumibara is pointedly marching back and forth in a challenging little dance as he gets a sugar rush roiling within himself. I say, Gumibara is actually glowing with a low, menacing, light that simmers with a burning malice. This does not bode well for TiTaupKamaro.”

~stomp, stomp, stomp.~

~skippity~hoppity~stomp!~

~stomp, stomp, stomp.~

~skippity~hoppity~stomp!~

“Though your meat”

“is not sweet,”

“Your defeat”

“makes it a treat.”

“I’ll force you to sniff”

“my stinky feet’”

“Then I’ll dine”

“upon you and eat.”

“Your death is mine,”

“no way to cheat,”

“My sticky paws on you,”

“repeatedly beat!”

“Oh my goodness, Mr. Trevorgawa-San and Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, I think these boys are seriously about to do grievous bodily harm to one another! TiTaupKamaro is now responding with his own ursine and gravity defying dance with dissonant song accompaniment.”

“Your demise is now,”

“There is no parley.”

“I’ll make sure your death”

“is extremely gnarly.”

“A painful death,”

“for you and your pals,”

“My bitchin’ powers are”

“Solid Radi-cal!”

“RRRRAWR!!!”

“GRONK!!!”