The Seventh Voyage of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 7) (2 page)

“Super Controller! I beg forgiveness for interrupting you at feeding time, but I have an urgent message to convey!”

“Blast you, you worthless page-slave, I never ever forgive anyone for anything! Could you not see that I was trying to enjoy this lovely, lively, bowl of Gulgoriok Marrow grubs when you interrupted me! You made me drop one of my worms and now it is trying to get away!”
~ploink!~
“There, I have the tasty, feisty, morsel securely skewered.”
~schlurp!
~
~gul
p
.~ “Ahhh.
”
~belch.
~
“I have enough on my mind, what with that traitorous Continent Dubbayou, double crossing me in their pact against Continent Wyah. It is an ongoing challenge to maintain my position as both ruler of Continent Zhieh, and that as supreme Super-Controller of Planet Eckes with those treacherous empires, always vying for planetary rule. Now that I have the greatest super-monster super-weapon ever created at my command, I can impose my will over this entire world. All right, you worthless clone-slave, hurry with your announcement, and then see to your own immediate, yet extended and excruciatingly painful, execution for this unforgivable intrusion.”

“Yes, Super Controller! Our secret, outer-space drones have recorded distressful signals from the planet Earth!”

“Bah! That disgusting planet that deviously hides from us on the other side of the Sun! It is always opposite to us, so we never see each other. Those miserable mud crawling amoebas do not even know that we exist! I knew that stupid world would be a source of trouble at some point! What are those pesky Earth dwellers up to?”

“Our outer-space drones have recorded evidence that they have detonated a device of incredible power! Our scientists believe that this is an indication of an advanced step in Earth’s technical knowledge. They may even prove to be a threat to our own belovedly evil, Planet Eckes!”

“A threat to Planet Eckes?
Inconceivable!
Make the necessary preparations! It is time to instigate the plan of Earth’s destruction! Summon us that which cannot be stopped. Bring us that what cannot be resisted. The time has come to awaken the
‘Ineluctable One’!”

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Miss Plumtartt!”

“Thank you, Mr. Temperance, though in fact, today is not February fourteenth.”

“No Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, but seeing as how we are on ‘Valentine Island’, I was thinking that everyday was Valentine’s Day, here. Actually, I guess every day is Valentine’s Day when I’m with you, Miss Plumtartt.”

“I say, what a sweet sentiment, Mr. Temperance. Tell me, sir, do you know the reason this island has such an unusual moniker?”

“Yes, Ma’am, it’s on account of being discovered on Valentine’s Day. The same way Easter Island was named for being discovered on Easter Sunday, so too was Valentine’s Island named for its date of discovery on a famous holiday.”

“I note that this is not the only similarity between the two Pacific islands.”

“No Ma’am, you are right again. This island is plum covered over by giant, stone statues, buried up to their necks in volcanic sand, ash, and rock, very much like Easter Island.”

“I say, what a splendid discovery, finding these curiosities beneath the canopy of the looming forests.”

“Yes, Ma’am, those trees are home to some great big birdies, too. Albatross and pelicans build their nests in the trees, cliffs, and among the scattered ruins of a long ago vanished race. Only the great statues, that only show their heads above ground, and other such pieces of art around the island have left any trace of this forgotten people that lived and thrived here.”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, it seems the populace held more stock in art than in building construction. Oh, and if you will look there to where my pointing finger indicates, you will see our learned guide, the stout little Italian professor of archeology, Professor Fuzziwitz, approaching us in a state of extreme excitement. Oh, yoo, hoo, Professor, would you like to come and share your findings with Mr. Temperance and myself, eh hem?”

“Ah, ho! There you are, my British beauty, hunh? How you constantly astound me with your stunning magnificence, henh? Your glorious figure, it puts me in the mind of the old fashioned time keeping device. You know, the hourglass. So is our Signorina Plumtartt, where she is nice and biggy up here, that I simulate with my hands, a-little tiny in the middle, and then a nice round shape down here, hunh? The shiny emerald fabric of your bustled dress shimmers nicely in the afternoon sunlight I am thinking, si? It sets off your strikingly colourful auburn hair that is built up so high, hunh? Si, bella, Signorina Plumtartt, I believe that I have made the biggy biggy discovery, henh?”

“Gee whiz Professor Fuzziwitz, whatcha got?”

“Oh, you, the dreadful little boyfriend, or whatever you are. What was your name? Isaac?”

“Ichabod Temperance, sir.”

“Yeah, so Icksi, or whatever, you homely little young man, standing there open-mouthed, slack-jawed, and with the peepers that puts me in the mind of a sleep-deprived tortoise. My biggy discovery is this hidden temple. Its hillside entrance was grown over with long grasses, but I still found it. I am thinking that I want your help in opening this stone tomb.”

“Gosh, I don’t know Professor. I’m all for scientific discovery, but I think we might oughtta show some regard for the native populace’s property and history.”

“A naïve sentiment, boy! The world has a right to these treasures! Besides, all of the population is gone. There are no inhabitants here that still care whether some old fossils are treated with care and reverence. Don’t worry, Icksi; science knows best.”

“Eh hem, I say, this expedition reminds me of Britain’s Egyptian excursions. I echo Mr. Temperance’s concerns and urge you to consider not spoiling this aspect of the island’s heritage.”

“The Polynesian pinheads of this region don’t know what they possess! To them, these are merely their ancestors’ sacred bones, but to us, the scientifically enlightened, these are curios of history to be drilled, tested, prodded and scrutinized. The South Seas savages would only venerate their dead; we would
catalog
them!”

“I still ain’t completely convinced, Perfessor. Just what kind of help from me did you have in mind?”

“Just grab up that sledge hammer over there, boy, and come smash the stone seal on this sacred shrine.”

“Eh, hem, yes, but before you do that, Mr. Temperance, I should like to impart with our less than completely conscientious guide a little more data. You know, many felt that wrathful, avenging spirits protected those Egyptian gravesites with powerful curses to prevent tampering by graverobbers. Some feel that many British expeditioneers fell to those curses. We could very well be about to bring dire consequences down upon ourselves.”

“Fiddle faddle and falderall, child, that is just silly womantalk nonsense. Come now, Tempi-pants, break this seal. Science has come knocking!”

“I sure enough don’t feel right about that Perfessor Fuzziwitz, that ain’t being considerate towards this island at all. It might be construed as disrespectful toward the island’s ancestry, and I sure wouldn’t want none of no part of that. What do you think, Miss Plumtartt?”

“I say, you will find me in concurrence with your observations, Mr. Temperance, despite your convoluted use of double negatives. Quite so, for it is my belief that science can afford to slow its harried pace, and learn to observe its subject in the field, as it were, as opposed to under the microscope on some distant continent.”

“That is a clear indication of why men are in charge in this world. We rule with our heads, while our feminine counterparts are led by emotion. Why, where would this world be if we always let our conscience be our guide? Progress would come to a screeching halt! Now enough of this silly, sentimental, fooling around, break that seal, Teaforants!”

“I sure am sorry, Perfessor, but I gotta say no to your request.”

“That was not a request, but an order! You squeamish sissy, give me that hammer! I’ll do it myself!”

“Nossir, I can’t let you do that, Perfessor!”

“Quit holding that sledge hammer up above your head where I can’t reach it! Give it to me, now!”

“I’m sorry, but nossir! Let’s just enjoy the unspoiled tranquility of Valentine Island, okay? What do you say Perfessor Fuzziwitz?”

“I say, … NO!
Unh!
As I kick you in the shin to get you to lower the hammer that I may snatch it, leaving you to hop about on one foot holding your bruised leg bone.”

“I say, my word, how rude!”

“I do not care for your mamby pamby cowardices. I shall break the stone seal of this shrine and in the name of science, lead the way forward with this...”

“~Strike!~
”

“Did y’all feel that? I could have sworn I felt a light tremor pass under our feet and out across the island. It’s as if we just dropped a big rock in the middle of the proverbial pond of trouble, and a big, foreboding ripple of indignation spread out from there. I sure hope Miss Plumtartt was mistaken about all them curses and hexes and whatnot as is often associated with sealed, places of sacred significance as this structure gives every indication of being.”

“Don’t be such a sniveling coward, Icki-bod, besides, this little tomb is a big disappointment anyway. There is nothing here but a small room with absolutely nothing in it. Nothing at all. Nothing except this low pedestal in the middle of the floor. All it has is an unimpressive statue on it. This statue is so plain, I am sure it has no meaning. It is just a cone of stone. It is round, about a foot across at the base, and then rises about four feet into the air and comes to a blunt end.”

“Looks like a swollen elephant tusk, only straighter, don’tcha think Miss Plumtartt? Miss Plumtartt, are you all right? You look to be kind of flushed.”

“Oh, eh hem, yes, er, please forgive the rush of colour in my face Mr. Temperance, it’s just that I recognize the article on display. It is obvious to me that this is a, eh hem, how shall I say, fertility totem.”

“Fertile, as in good crops and that sort of thing, Ma’am?”

“Ehm, that is close enough to suffice for our purposes, Mr. Temperance.”

“Si, it is a lovely example of these people’s culture. I shall just pick it up so that I can study it better in the sunlight, or back in Italy at my University laboratory.”

“Wait, Professor, please don’t!”

“Unh! There I have it! Let’s go.”

~  .   .  .  t r r r e m b  b  b  l e  .  .   .
~

“Dang it, I know y’all felt that one! You done it now, Professor. It’s like the whole island just shuddered in anger at that holy relic being removed from its rightful place. C’mon Professor, how about putting that statue back where it was?”

“No, it’s mine! Finders/keepers, losers/weepers! Now, let’s get out of here!”

“My word, Mr. Temperance, as we hastily exit the slab walled tomb, I note the weather has certainly taken a sudden change for the worse, wouldn’t you say? It was bright sunshine when we entered that tomb a moment ago, but now dark skies and blustery winds await our return. Does this not send you a hint, Professor, that something is not right, eh hem? My feminine intuition informs me that indeed, this island is not happy about your keeping that souvenir, sir, and my instincts are never wrong.”

“Rain, rain, go away, this loot is mine and that’s how it’s gonna stay.”

“Hey Miss Plumtartt and Professor Fuzziwitz, the whole time we have been on this island, all these statue heads sticking up out of the ground have given the impression of being kind of solemn and serene. Things are different. Up until now, they have given me a peaceful feeling, yet, unaccountably, I am kind of nervous around them. I have the oddest sensation that the statues are now awake and watching us.”

“Oh, that
is
an unsettling thought, Mr. Temperance. Surely you are simply imagining such a phenomenon.”

“Not only do I get a creepy feeling like we are being watched, but that the folks watching us are very angry, too.”

“Ha, ha, you scare-dy-cat, to even think such a ridiculous...
Eek!
I think that giant Valentine Island statue just turned to me a little bit!”

~  .   .  .  t r r r e m b  b  b  l e  .  .   .
~

“Mr. Temperance, the statues
are
moving! They are now animated with life! ”

“Yes Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am, for as far as I can see, scores of the statues grow progressively more mobile. These stone giants are trying to climb and squirm up out of the ground! This one here close by has his arms clear of the ground. He is placing his stone palms to the earth on either side and pushing himself up and out of the ground. Oops!
She
is pushing herself up and out of the ground.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, this is a repeating attribute among these statues. In opposition to Easter Island’s men, we are seeing hordes of shapely Valentine Island women statues squirming forth, up and out of the ground.”

“Eep! They want the artifact I stole! Oops, I mean, I stole it fair and square in the name of science! Shoo, you walking detriments to the advancement of Man’s knowledge. A woman’s place is in the home, but in your stone woman’s case, her place is in the ground!”

“These babes ain’t bashful, Perfessor; how about giving these stone cold statues their fertility symbol back?”

“No, I won’t do it!”

“These gollem gals are pretty mad, Perfessor. It’s written all over their expressionless faces. An undeniable aura of menace and anger sure ’nough emanates from the basaltic babes’ well developed forms! They are popping up and out all over the place! Each impressively built girl must be twenty to thirty feet tall!”

“Cease your incessant blather and get me to safety, you little idiot!”

“I say, perhaps Professor Fuzziwitz is correct, and that a hasty withdrawal is called for at this time. Oh, Mr. Temperance, would you be so good as to provide our transport?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt Ma’am! Let’s hurry over to and jump on the ‘ped-o-pillar’!”

“I say, do you really think that this sprocket-driven tractor will be able to out-pace these furious maidens of stone?”

“I sure hope so, Ma’am! Hurry, and hop aboard this device that is set up as a bicycle built for two might be, but actually has positions for three passengers. Also, of course, our foot-driven sprockets provide energy to the two belts of linked metal plates, out-rigged to either side of our pedal-craft, instead of to bicycle wheels. These plates continually lay a temporary path to tread upon before our almost any type of terrain vehicle. I believe that this type of land tractor that is propelled and steered by its path laying treaders will come to be referred to as ‘patherers’.”

“Gentlemen, I urge you both to pedal as fast as possible. A phalanx of voluptuous, volcanic rock vixens are moving to outflank our egress.”

“That’s some good pedaling, y’all, but I think Perfessor Fuzziwitz could pedal a little faster if you were not still clinging to that fertilitility pole.”

“I refuse to relinquish my prize! Shut up and get me out of here you little imbecile!”

“Yessir. This tractor was not meant to be driven this fast! Her track locking steerage is kind of sketchy at this velocity. We got around that first bunch of Valentine Island women, but more are in pursuit. Eep! Now we gotta dodge around these holes that the ladies climbed up from.”