The Redemption of Callie and Kayden (24 page)

everyone else he has his own fears and I need to be there for him

like he’s always there for me. I step into his shoes for a minute and become the comforting best friend who tries to help ease the pain.

“It’s going to be okay.” I take a step forward and place my

hand on his arm. “Greyson’s not Braiden.”

“I know that.” He sighs and places his hand over mine. “But

sometimes I find myself going back to that place where I’m lying in

the dirt and they’re kicking the shit out of me.”

I wrap my arms around him and hug him, noting how safe I

feel in the closeness. “I know, but sometimes moving forward is

the only way we can escape our pasts, right? At least that’s what

you’re always telling me.”

“I know,” he whispers and his arms circle around me. He pulls

me closer. “And I know nothing will happen. Greyson’s not Braiden

and he loves me, but I just keep thinking about that God damn

day. I was so fucking happy, thinking life was perfect, and then

they showed up all piled into the back of that fucking truck like a

bunch of robots all following what the other one does. And…” He

drifts off and I can tell he’s about to cry. “And I can’t stop picturing his face—the hate in his eyes, like he was blaming me that he was

part of it.”

I hold very still and give him all the time he needs to collect

himself. Seth being himself, it doesn’t take him too long before

he’s pulling away. He wipes the corners of his eyes with his

fingertips and he puffs out a breath. “Anyway, what I was going to

say before I started bawling like a baby was that I was feeling a

little scared about moving forward and I might have said some

things to Greyson that weren’t very nice.”

I reach for a roll of toilet paper and hand him some tissue. “It

could be… sometimes saying sorry is actually easy.”

He dabs the rest of the tears away with the tissue and then

tosses it into the garbage bin that’s on the wall. “Yeah, but

sometimes it’s not.”

“But sometimes it is.”

That gets him to smile. “Look at you. Being all wise.” He

swings his arm around my shoulder. “I think it must be from all the

time you spend around me.”

I crack a smile as I unlatch the door. “It must be.”

By the time we walk out of the bathroom, the room is even

more crammed. I don’t like it. It makes me feel anxious and

ashamed about the dress I’m wearing. Each time someone brushes

up against me, I cringe internally.

I grasp Seth’s hand as he guides me to our table where Luke

is talking to some girl in a tight black dress. Her blonde hair is

done up, her cleavage is nearly popping out of her dress, and she’s

sitting in my seat. As we approach the table, her eyes scale me and

then she looks away, disregarding me.

“Hey,” Seth says before she can say anything. He reaches

across the table and grabs two tall shot glasses from the eight that

are circling the middle of the table. “I think Callie and I are going to take shots and dance.”

Luke nods and then starts chatting with the girl. I step

behind Seth and he turns to me and offers me a shot. I’m

distracted, and without even thinking, I put the rim up and tip my

head back. The alcohol burns and tears at my esophagus.

“Blah.” I gag, shoving the empty glass back at Seth. “I didn’t

mean to drink that.”

Seth giggles at me and angles back his head, knocking the

shot back. He takes my glass and his and puts them back on the

table. One tips over, but he doesn’t bother picking it up. He holds

my hand and tugs me toward the dance floor.

“Do we really have to?” My head’s a little blurry and my legs

feel like rubber. “I don’t feel very good.”

Seth nods as he spins around, doing a little wiggly thing with

his hips before striking a pose. “You and I need to relax.”

I glance around at the people surrounding us who are

grinding against each other to the low beat of the sultry song.

“Dancing’s never been relaxing for me.”

He shuffles toward me, snapping his fingers and rocking

back and forth. “Come on. I saw you dancing in the car ride when

we were heading to Afton.”

I shake my head, but my lips turn upward. I start to dance

with him, not going too overboard, but enough that I feel my

mood lifting. When the song switches to a slow one, Seth inches in

and puts his hands on my hips. As we rock to the rhythm of the

song and with each sway, a weight builds on my chest. My mind is

going back to when Kayden and I danced and for a moment

everything seemed like it was going to be okay. But it’s not okay.

Nothing is. Kayden won’t talk to me and all I can ever picture is

how he looked lying on the floor, pale as snow with a dying pulse.

I can see the slits on his wrist and on his side. I can feel my terror and worry about him dying. How I don’t want him to die. How I

need him. How I need him forever. The weight on my chest bears

down and I swear my ribs will splinter.

“Callie, what’s wrong?” Seth brings his finger up to my cheek

and grazes a tear that escaped my eye.

“I don’t want him to die,” I say through a choked sob. “I

don’t.”

His eyes widen. “He’s not going to die, Callie. He made it out

alive.”

“I know that,” I say, knowing he won’t understand. Kayden is

like me in so many ways. He’ll hide it inside himself until he breaks.

And if he breaks, I might not make it to him in time.

Then what? I can’t go on living my life without him, fighting

through the pain every day. I felt what it was like to lose him back

when I saw him on the floor. I thought he was dead and my chest

nearly crushed into my heart as the pain slammed into my ribs.

I can’t do it without him. I need to save him and myself and

make us happy together.

Kayden

When I realize she’s crying, I move for her, shoving anyone

who gets in my way. Seeing tears come out of those stunning blue

eyes rips my heart in half and I no longer care about anything else

but making her better.

When she sees me, her eyes enlarge and she reaches up to

wipe the tears away from her cheeks. Seth turns and looks at me

and then he lets go of her waist and backs away.

“You got it from here?” he asks me and I nod. He moves

through the crowd and I take his place, positioning myself in front

of Callie.

Her fingers start to slide down her pink cheeks to wipe the

tears away, but I catch her hand and move it away. Bringing my

free hand to her cheek, I trace my thumb down each tear and

erase them.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, pulling her closer. “Did something

happen?”

She shakes her head, her eyes blinking fiercely as more tears

threaten to spill out. “I’m okay, just a little tired.”

“Callie, please tell me what’s wrong so I can try to make it

better.”

She shakes her head and her throat is jerking as she works

back a choke. “It’s really… nothing.” She starts to sob, her

shoulders quivering with each tear.

My arms loop around her and I pull her against my chest.

She buries her face into my shirt, clutching onto the bottom, and

her tears are soaking through the fabric. I don’t dare move, even

though everyone around us is dancing. I run my hand along her

back and down her hair.

“Shh…” I say, as I work not to cry myself. I don’t know why,

but I can feel her pain, even though I have no idea what’s causing

it. I try to hold the tears back. I focus on the open wound on my

wrist and concentrate on the lingering burn. But it’s not working

and soon I know I’m going to crumble—we both are.

I pick her up and she doesn’t even look at me or seem

stunned. Her legs hitch around my back and her arms slide up my

chest and she secures her arms around my neck. People watch us

in wonder as I shove my way through the crowd, making sure to

hold the back of her dress down and keep her covered up. When I

step outside, she moves to get down, but I tighten my arms and

force her to stay against me. Now that I’ve got her, I can’t let her

go.

Holding onto her, I flag down a cab. The driver looks at me

funny as I duck my head in, still carrying her, and sit down in the

back seat. “552 Main Beach Drive,” I tell him as I reach forward,

rising up a little, and glide the door closed.

He’s an older man, and I catch him eyeing us a few times

through the rearview mirror. I bring one of my hands up and cup

the back of her head, while the other I keep at her waist. She’s still crying and her tears are making my shirt damp.

The cab moves forward and the meter up front begins to

tick. I hold as still as I can and rub her back with my cheek pressed against the side of her head. About halfway home, when the

streetlights from the main road change into porch lights, she raises

her head and rests her chin on my shoulder, staring out the back

window. I don’t ask her what’s wrong and she doesn’t tell me. She

just watches the twinkling lights blur by as we drive forward, into

the night, knowing that eventually we’ll reach the end and one of

us will finally have to break the silence.

#89 Admit the truth and accept what it means

Callie

The song playing from the cab stereo is cheerful and the

singer is professing his love to a girl he ran away from. I envy him

because he can admit it to the world. I, on the other hand, just

realized that I might be in love with Kayden and that there is no

way I’ll ever be able to tell him. Not just from fear of rejection, but from fear of the unknown. I’ve never been in love before. Never

understood it. But I realize now that the worry and heartache I’ve

been carrying inside me might just be love.

I clutch onto him, feeling his chest rise and fall underneath

me as I watch the Christmas lights blur by in streaks of gold, silver, red, and green. It’s such a pretty time of year, but I’ve never been a fan of it. It reminds me of a time when I used to get excited and

run out to the tree to rip presents open. However, the Christmas I

was twelve, presents only reminded me of my birthday and the

terror that came with that memory would always surface.

I remember the first Christmas after it happened. I’d lie

awake in my bed all night with my eyes open and my gaze

fastened on the ceiling, wishing I’d hear reindeer on the roof, like I imagined I did when I was little. But there was no imagination or

magic left inside me and all I heard was the dead silence of

nighttime and the secrets lying in my heart.

When I heard my mother walk into my room that morning, I

pretended to be asleep.

“Callie,” she’d whispered. “Callie darling, wake up.” She gave

my shoulder a little shake. “Sweetie, I think Santa brought you

some presents.”

My eyelids lifted and I met her gaze. She was wearing a pink

satin robe and her hair was braided at the nape of her neck. Her

makeup wasn’t on, but I thought she looked better without it.

“Good morning,” she said with a cheerful smile. “Are you

ready to go see what presents you got?”

I was exhausted from lying awake all night and I rolled onto

my side, situating my hands beneath the pillow. “I’m not in the

mood for presents.”

She placed a hand on my back and I jumped, thinking about

the last time someone had put a hand on me while I was lying in

the bed. “Callie, are you all right? You’ve seemed so sad the last

few months.”

“I’m fine,” I snapped. “I’m just sick of Christmas and

pretending that I believe in things when I really don’t. There is no

Santa, Mom. I haven’t believed in him since I was eight.”

“Well, of course I know that,” she replied, lifting her hand

from my back. “But it takes the magic and fun out of it if we don’t

all play along.”

“Magic and fun doesn’t exist,” I said, wiggling away from her.

“And I’m tired of playing along… I’m going to go back to sleep. I’m

tired.”

She sat there for an eternity, breathing in and out, and then

finally she rose to her feet, the mattress rising as her weight left it.

“All right.”

That’s all she said. Then she left and the room and the

haunting memories took over again. Even now, I wonder why she

never said anything. She had to be able to tell that something was

wrong. One of these days, I’ll find the courage to ask her. I have to.

Otherwise I’ll never know and the answer will always haunt me.

“Callie.” Kayden’s voice echoes through my thoughts. I lift my

eyes, realizing I’ve dozed off. I elevate my head and glance around

at the darkness outside and the ocean in the distance.

“Did I fall asleep?” I blink my eyes and then let go of his

shoulders to rub the dreariness away.

He nods, sweeping a lock of my hair out of my face. “You

did, but that’s okay.”

My cheeks and eyes feel swollen from the sting of tears. “I’m

sorry.”

His fingers linger on my cheekbone and he’s looking into my

eyes, terrified. “I said it was okay, Callie. And I promise it is… I liked holding you… It made me feel calm.”

I suck back the tears that still want to come out. “Okay.”