The Redemption of Callie and Kayden (27 page)

I tip my head to the side and meet her gaze. “You really want

to know?”

She nods her head, lowering her hand to her hip, and my

eyes trace her thin figure. “I always do.”

I pivot to the side so we’re lying face to face. “I’m thinking

that you should leave me.”

Her breathing becomes ragged. “You want me to go?”

I quickly place a hand on her hip. “Don’t think for a second

that I want you to go. I never want you to go. I want you here.

With me… but I don’t want you to be with me. I want you to be

happy, if that makes any sense.”

She considers what I said, biting on her bottom lip, and all I

want to do is lean forward and bite it too, but it would defeat my

whole purpose of trying to let her go. “I get what you’re saying,”

she says. “But I don’t agree with it. You’re the only person…” Her

bottom lip shakes as she takes a deep breath. “You’re the only

person who I can ever feel whole with.”

“You don’t know that.” I keep trying to push her away. “There

could easily be other people out there.”

She shakes her head. “There’s not… a-and I don’t want there

to be.”

“Callie,” I say softly and place my hand under her cheek,

rubbing a finger across her birthmark on her temple. “I’m not good

for you. You deserve better.” It gashes deep inside my chest to say

the truth aloud. But it needs to be said.

“There’s nothing better,” she utters quietly, staring at the

foot of the bed, blinking back the tears. “You just need to realize

that.”

“I just want you to be free… from all my shit and my fucking

complicated life.”

“I don’t want to be free. I just want to be here. With you. I-I

don’t care about your fucking complicated life or your problems. I

just want you… and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be.”

Fuck. No one’s ever said that to me. I don’t even know if I’m

certain what happiness is. I can’t control myself anymore. Each one

of my scars is throbbing and I need her to silence them. I lean in

and grab the back of her head, bringing her lips to mine, and kiss

her with so much intensity it rips my scars in half. I flip us over,

pressing her down on her back as I run my hand down to her

breast. She trembles as she moves her legs up so I fall down

between her. I kiss her fervently, nipping at her lip as I touch her

everywhere. When I finally pull away, I can barely breathe as I trail kisses down her jawline, her neck, her collarbone. I graze my teeth

along her neck and suck on her soft skin as her legs latch around

my waist. My head journeys down farther and her hips writhe up as

I trace a circle around her nipple before sucking it into my mouth.

She lets out a sexy whimper as her fingers tangle through my hair.

I suck hard, needing more of her, before I travel to her other

breast. I caress my tongue along that one too, until I can’t stand it anymore.

I push back and grab another condom. Seconds later, I’m

back inside her, wishing things would stay this way forever. Just

she and I without the sounds and heaviness of the world. Without

the fucking complications of life.

#10 Face the truth and let it go

Callie

We make love countless times throughout the night and

then finally I slip Kayden’s shirt on and he puts his boxers back on.

Then we lie down in the bed and rest. Somewhere well into the

early hours of morning Luke and Seth stumble into the house,

drunk off their asses and making a lot of noise. Seconds later, Seth

starts jiggling the doorknob and shaking the door.

“Oh Callie Lawrence, let me in,” he says, banging on the

door.

Then I hear Luke say, “Not by the hair on my chinny chin

chin.”

This is followed by a lot of laughter and then the sound of a

glass breaking.

I glance up at Kayden, who has his arm around me and is

playing with my hair. He smiles down at me as I rest my face on his

chest.

“They’re wasted,” he says. “And I’m guessing that Luke

probably dropped a bottle on the floor in classic Luke style.”

“Does he do that a lot?”

“In the past, yeah. It’s like he forgets how to use his hands or

something.”

I laugh against his chest and he kisses the top of my head.

“Should I let him in?” I ask.

“Nah,” Kayden replies. “Let them stay out there and annoy

the shit out of each other.”

I laugh as Seth continues to bang on the door. He does it for

quite a while before he gives up and the house gets quiet. Even

though the last few hours have been amazing, I still have a ton of

questions on the tip of my tongue, but I’m worried about the

consequences if I ask them.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about?” He repeats my early

words as he twists a lock of my hair around his finger.

I peer up at him, noting the small scars on his face, and I

can’t believe how many people don’t notice. “I’m thinking that you

should tell someone about your father.”

He freezes and the strand of my hair falls from his finger.

“Callie, I can’t do that. No one will believe me.”

With my hands flat on his chest, I push up and swing my leg

over him. “Yes, they will. We just have to find the right person.”

He shakes his head as he swallows hard and stares at the

moon through the window. “I can’t.”

I put my hands on his shoulders and pin him down. “Yes, you

can… and do you know why…” I trail off because what I’m about to

say is probably the second hardest thing I’ll ever have to say. The

first being what I actually have to say to someone else. “Because

I’m going to tell someone too.”

His eyes snap to mine and he assesses my face with great

concern. “You’re going to tell someone about Caleb?”

My heart is trying to kill me from the inside as it slams

against my chest. “I am, if you will.”

It’s that simple, at least the theory in my head is. I’ll promise

to tell my family as long as he tells someone about his

father—someone who will do something about it. Although, when

it actually comes down to spilling those words out to the world, it’ll be complex, complicated, rough, hurtful, aching, painful,

shameful… I could write a list down in my notebook of everything

that it will be and there wouldn’t be enough pages.

“Callie, I think that’s good,” he encourages. “You should tell

your parents.”

“But I’m only going to if you tell someone about your dad.” I

know it’s blackmail, but it’s all I’ve got at the moment. “And you

need to tell—we need to tell.”

His eyebrows knit together. “You’d really blackmail me into

it?”

My shoulders slump inward as I slouch down, feeling like the

world’s most terrible person. “I’m only doing it because I lo—care

for you.” My eyes widen at the word that almost slipped out.

I know he notices, but he pretends he doesn’t. He stays calm

underneath me. “And what do you think will come from us telling

someone?”

Tears are forming in my eyes and one rolls down my cheek,

dripping off my jawline and falling on him. “Freedom.” I try to force the rest of the tears back, but the wall around me is crumbling

rapidly and soon I lose all control over my emotions. I start to sob, again. He’s probably going to start thinking that that’s all I do.

He pulls me down against him and I bury my face in his chest

with my hands on his shoulders. Tears veil my vision as I stare at

the wall to the side of me.

“Fine, I’ll do it… I’ll tell someone… I guess,” he says so quietly

the sounds of my tears falling almost drown it out. “But only for

you. I’m only doing it for you.”

I’m not sure I like his answer. I don’t want him to do it for

me. I want him do it for himself because I want him to know that

he’s that great of a person. One who gets the

weirdo-Goth-Satan-worshipping girl who everyone was always

afraid of. One who can break down indestructible walls. The kind

of person who can piece a person back together again.

The person I’m falling in love with.

Kayden

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. She wants us to tell

someone. Confess together. Tell our dark secrets to the world and

let everyone do what they will with them. It throws me off more

than anything I’ve ever heard until she almost says she loves me.

She stops herself quickly, like she’s afraid to say it, but it’s enough that I can tell she means it. And it’ll mean something to me. I know

that. It’s not like back when Daisy and I use to say it to each other.

It was just a word between her and me that meant nothing other

than it was part of the script. If Callie says it, then I know it means she loves me and I don’t know how to handle that. Love… Love…

Love. What the fuck does the word mean?

I don’t have a God damn clue and I don’t like how enthused

my heart got when the words just about left her lips, like it’d been

waiting around silently for that one word to fall from her lips and

jumpstart it to life again. It doesn’t matter how I feel, though. She’s told me she’ll tell if I tell and no matter how much I don’t want to

fucking tell, it’s done once she says it. Because I’d put my pain and shame out there to take hers away. I’d stab myself in the heart if it meant her life would be easier.

We lay in bed for a while, listening to the ocean crash against

the shore. There are birds cawing just outside the window and

someone is snoring out in the living room. I hold onto her while

she falls asleep, wishing this is how things would always be. That I

could just lie here with her and be at peace with myself and life.

But every nerve in my body is disturbed and adrenaline is

coursing through me more powerfully than the waves outside. I’m

itching for a razor or something sharp because I took the damn

rubber bands off my wrists. I try to pinch myself a thousand times,

and then I finally stab my fingernails into my skin. The pain and

feelings that come with it keep building like the waves outside. I

keep thinking about how I used Luke’s razor to finally shave off my

stubble and even though I wanted to, I resisted the urge to cut my

skin because I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing Callie in the

alley.

This time though, I can’t shut it off. It’s consuming me, the

need, the compulsion, the overtaking desire to get it all out of my

head and body. Finally, I can’t take it anymore. I peek down at

Callie, making sure that she’s still asleep, and then I vigilantly lift my arm off her and place it beneath her head. Inching my body to

the side, I scoot out from underneath her and then gently lower

her head onto the pillow.

She incoherently mutters something as she twists to her side

and tucks her hands below her cheek. I stand there for a moment,

making sure she’ll fall back asleep and then I walk quietly across

the room to the bathroom in the corner. I flip on the light and shut

the door. Callie’s bag is sitting on the counter, and although I hate the idea of digging through it, I need a razor. The only other

alternative is to slam my fist into something and that will make

noise and I might break something.

I rummage through her bag until I come across a small

pouch at the bottom. I take it out and let out a sigh of relief as I

spot a razor in the midst of her makeup and travel-size bags of

shampoo. I take it out and run my finger along the top blade,

testing the sharpness. It looks a lot like the first one I used: pink, with a strip of something at the top. But it’s sharper, and knowing

that calms me.

I decide where the best place to make the cut is, the place

where she won’t notice. Finally, I slide the bandage down and put

the razor to my wrist, not by a vein but to the side where there are

already a collection of scars. My head is tipped down and I’m

about ready to make the first incision when I hear the door open.

I freeze. No one has ever walked in on me while I was doing

it. And what’s worse is that it’s Callie. I don’t even have to look up to know it’s her. I can smell her shampoo and I can hear the sound

of her uneven breathing.

“Kayden.” Her voice is alarmingly calm, not at all what I

expected.

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I don’t want to look up because then it’s real

and she’ll be able to see how weak I really am. Plus, she’ll make me

stop. And I’ve never had to stop when I’m almost there. I don’t

know how my body or mind’s going to react.

Her feet shuffle across the floor as she inches toward me. I

still have my head tipped down, my teeth biting hard on my

tongue. Her bare feet appear in my line of vision and her legs are

naked three-quarters of the way up and then my shirt covers her

small-framed body.

“Kayden,” she repeats, sounding so fucking calm it’s

unsettling.

I still have the edge of the razor aligned with my skin and

every muscle and vein below the skin has warped and convoluted

into knots. “Callie, just walk out and shut the door. I’ll be out in a minute.”

There’s a long pause and I think that maybe she’s actually

considering it.

“No,” she says firmly. “I won’t.”

My hand trembles and my heart thuds brutally inside my