The Power of Forgetting (30 page)

‘Do you think
Hanson is in on this all?’ he asked me, as we set the last one.

‘Certainly.’ I
said.

‘You really
think that?’’

‘Of
course.’

‘He’s not
stupid though, is he?’

‘Stupid is
largely a matter of perspective,’ I said, ‘we are all smart if we
avoid trouble.’

‘Yeah!’ he
grinned at me and then pinned the mask in place, ‘temps going
down.’ he added.

‘Crickey!’

In now boys!
said Marcia on the radio link.

We got in just
as a storm began to hit us. This was bad. Even by Cloud field
standards. It was minus thirty and dropping. I was scared. There
was something unnatural about it. Like magic or something even
weirder than that. How could it go from tropical to this icicle in
a few hours?

A little while
later we sat round nursing our drinks. It was nearly five and the
light had gone from the surroundings.

Janey was
sitting with a herb tea, and her knees drawn up in a chair. She
seemed so much like the real Janey that I had to remind myself that
she wasn’t really that at all.

Softly the snow
fell, as the evening edged towards six o’clock. Marcia and Davey
made stew. I was told to rest, so I laid down on one off the padded
benches and promptly feel asleep.

It’s funny how
dream time is longer than real time…. There was a time when I was
awake for a moment; and in that main space no one was visible. It
was that I wasn’t looking in their direction. I guess I felt that I
had something else to offer. Another perspective in the fate of us
all. She was my weakness. I wished she had not spoken to me. I
dreamed of a quiet place, where Janey did not step so lightly.
There I saw angels soaring in the sky. The Janey that I dreaded you
understand; was not my sister. It was that other…. The one who had
tricked me; perhaps…. Her tales of this place were deceptive and
strong. And as we neared the epicentre it became stronger.

I woke up. No
clear idea of where I was. Or what the time was. Or even… for a
minute where we were. I was lost. The last voice I wanted to hear
was hers.

‘Jared?’

I must have
made some noise. A soft growl in my throat; a sigh perhaps. We are
waiting for the storm to ease. In the near vicinity I hear a little
sound from our kitchen. It reassures me. I am not out of some loop.
I find this weather hard to adjust to though. I shivered a little
on waking and reached for a blanket that had been left nearby.

‘Will you talk
to me?’

‘I’ll listen.’
I said.

‘I want to say
I’m sorry for causing you so much worry…. I really want to make it
up to you.’ She moves a little closer. I don’t react. And like a
rabbit caught in head lights, the charm works more, the closer it
becomes.

‘Jared?’ she
asks softly.

‘Yes.’ I rub my
eyes. I can smell stew. I focus on that. I am tired. It is more
than just physical. This morning I had sex with this woman. This
afternoon I hate her. I am a shallow shadow, just hiding behind
others. But something is different. That woman at the beach. She
was not this one. This one is a tease. A lot of fine words, but
there is nothing that someone without a modicum of foreknowledge
could not fake. The woman at the beach…… she is real. So they are
separate: that one, she was my fatal sprite. She doesn’t have any
connection to this one…. perhaps they are unconnected. That would
mean that I can reject her without the threat of my terrible
indiscretion being exposed; then again…. perhaps I can tell the
story the way it is meant to be told. Like the one about the
princess and the pea. She is so sensitive that she can feel the pea
through all those mattresses. That is how they know that she is a
real princess. So how do I tell that I am a real prince?

I stop for a
moment and consider the thought that has wandered in my
subconscious waiting for the right moment to arrive; and then it
could be given full validation of my humanity. Just human;
imperfect…. Yet so very, very precious….

‘I want to die
now…. I need it to be you. Please…. We are near the place. It is
only past the next ridge. You will see the labs, then the medical
centre. The living quarters are further over. There is no need to
be defensive. Most of the staff are ordinary doubles. There’s
really no point in eradicating us all. There are too many soldiers
compared to people anyway.’

Davey comes
into view. He seems overly concentrated. The rest of the
conversation… for so I must think of it, depended on my connection
with either the copy, or my friend.

‘Tell me
Janey,’ Davey speaks clearly and loudly, ‘what do you think of
Jared?’

She is
speechless. That makes it certain that is not Janey. She always has
plenty to say for herself.

‘Tell me.’ He
repeats. She just stares at him.

I knew the
answer as well as Davey did. We could not suffer another traitor.
And since the original one had not been found…. will it make the
woman in front of us all the more attractive as a suspect? For the
sake of the group as a whole; there are ways of finding out if your
negative estimation is worth what you mean to throw at it.

I am lost
without the certain knowledge that comes from people who live in
some bright world. Davey glows with such innocence. It is; I
realise, like a shield; we cannot sustain our expedition without
damage if we allow the gravity towards the last of these ghosts
that inflect us so slowly. What do we want to happen?

‘Jared….? What
is going on?’ She looks worried. She steps towards me. Davey comes
towards us. I sit up, and grip the edge of the seat.

‘You have just
run out of rope girlie. I’m not in a mood to repeat myself again;
so answer my question!’ I notice Davey has put his hand in his
pocket. There is a tense silence, as her brows draw together in
puzzled pain. It is so like her….so convincing. This isn’t the
issue of what kind of copy she is; but what kind of person is
currently inhabiting the copy.

A movement out
of the corner of my eye. Marcia is there with Joe at her side.

‘Oliver!’
Marcia calls without turning round. She has her eyes fastened on
Janey.

‘Well?’ Davey
says.

‘I…. I don’t
know what you mean….’ Her eyes dart from Davey to Marcia and back
again. I slowly stand up.

Oliver slides
into view. His stance is relaxed, neutral, unthreatening. I know
what he is doing. Janey will instinctively go towards him if she
feels threatened. She will go to the person who is the least likely
to disbelieve her…. or so she thinks. Oliver is good with these
sorts of situations. He is unfazed; seeming almost bored, certainly
not tense like the rest of us.

She turns
towards me. There is a flicker of doubt in her eyes. Then she
smiles and reaches out to me. She takes my hands. I look down at
the floor. For some reason the scene is like some dream I was just
having before I woke up. She tilts her head to one side; ‘Come now
Jared…’ she says quietly, ‘Let’s go and get a little air. It’s nice
outside this evening.’ I look at her fully then; ‘It’s snowing.’ I
say.

‘No…. It’s warm
Jared. Let’s go and sit out there a while and talk. Just a little
while. I won’t do anything…. just talk. Please, Jared. Will
you?’

‘But it’s
snowing.’ I glance sideways. There is warm sunlight coming from one
side through the viewing port. Evening light. She comes closer to
me.

‘Jared….my
dear. See how lovely it is. Let’s go out there. Everyone is getting
too worked up.’

I feel that
undertow of contradiction to the known facts. I feel uncomfortably
warm now. She reaches to my collar and unclips the top fastening of
my jacket; and then the next one down. Everyone else is there, but
I am blinded by the light from without. The dust motes drift in the
light over my head. She leans closer and whispers in my ear: ‘They
will destroy the copy. But you mustn’t let them. I don’t mind if
you do this. Because then I will have what I need to remain here.’
She draws back slightly. We are very close now, noses almost
touching.

‘Amber?’ I say,
‘Are you in there?’

She giggles,
‘we can go for a swim if you like! We can do whatever you want.
Will you give me a little more time? When it’s time; let it be in
private. This is wrong. You know that…. he doesn’t know me like you
do.’ Her eyes darted sideways. Davey is there. But it is as if she
has frozen the time around us. They are all like a tableau of
threat, converging on this Janey…. or is she Amber?

‘How did you…?’
but she silences me with a kiss. I cannot stand then. My knees are
collapsing under me. She kneels on the floor as I slide downwards.
She kisses me again. There is a taste of something odd….

‘Amber?’

‘Shh….it will
be alright in a moment. You will feel a little discomfort. But then
it will be over.’

‘Are you trying
to kill me?’ my voice is choked and wispy.

‘No!.no of
course not. I love you. I wouldn’t hurt you. I couldn’t do that.
You saved me. I am just beginning to get used to this body. It is
strong and good.’

‘Are you
Amber?’ I am sliding onto the floor. She is stroking my hair then.
It is creepily loving, yet bizarre. I can see that shaft of
sunlight way above my head. She takes out a knife. My knife. Where
she managed to hide it I do not know. ‘Just one little thing I want
from you. Do you see? You are helping us. A little thing.’ She uses
the knife to nick my arm. I cannot move, I cannot breathe; or only
in shallow gasps. It was something…. a taste of something…. I make
the effort to speak then: ‘Will I remember?’

She smiles
benignly as if she is just having afternoon tea. ‘No…. silly; not
after this. And Amber can have you, my dear. If she can find
you.’

‘You’re not
Amber?’ I can feel the time shift now. It’s beginning to break up.
I see that Davey is moving towards me very, very slowly. Perhaps;
when she touched me, she took that talent I have, and used it. She
has a small vial. In tiny drops she fills it. Then it is stoppered
carefully. She bends down. I hear her breathing in my ear. ‘Thank
you for your…. cooperation.’ she stands up then and starts to walk
to the entrance to the dome. I can’t breathe…well, hardly at all.
It difficult to see too; everything seems foggy. There is a sense
of something pulling at me; against something else that is there.
In slow motion they move towards me. I am struggling to stay
conscious. It’s all going grey. And then the pain cuts through;
where she has skewered me.

There is a
sudden rush of sound. I am shaking…. or shivering rather; sprawled
there on the floor. I think two people are beside me. One of them
is Joe. I feel choked and nauseous; and very cold.

‘Get my med
kit!’ I hear Joe. Someone is pressing on the arm. It hurts so much
I think I’ll pass out.

‘Jared!’
someone moves over me, a faint shadow in the grey of the dome. To
the right a light swings into view. There is a faint sound of
scuffling.

I must get up….
I must find her. I need to warn her… Amber that is. Where could she
be? The room is warm. I am on my back. I have a blanket over me. I
am in the sleeping pod. Marcia is sitting beside me, her knees
drawn up to her chest. She sees that I am awake.

‘Marcia…. what
happened?’

She looked
shocked by the fact that I am speaking, and leans out through the
zip and calls to Joe before replying: ‘I could have lost you….it
could have been curtains!’ she turns as Joe leans in. The sleeping
pods are a raised area inside the zip and the other part is lower
outside. My kit bag and boots are there. ‘Has she gone?’ I ask
him.

‘Yes. Davey
couldn’t catch her. She’s gone alright. It’s snowing again. There’s
no way we can find her now.’ Joe feels my pulse and checks my
throat and inspects my eyes. ‘How do you feel?

‘Bloody awful…’
I try to sound amused and cough once as my throat contracts.

‘She gave you
too much,’ Marcia is looking tormented, ‘And to think we didn’t
listen to your advice in the first place!’

‘What happened
to your stew Ellis?’ I start coughing then, and have to sit up. She
hands me a hanky. It subsides after a few moments.

‘Just try to
understand,’ Marcia is forcing herself to be calm and practical,
‘you have been poisoned. You will not survive if we do not find the
antidote…’

‘I am working
on it.’ Joe pats me on the shoulder, ‘but there is already some
damage from the times before… I think we can set you to rights
Arden. But you will not do anything until we find the antidote.
That is an order! We will find it. I promise. I’ll do what I can….’
He turns away. Then turns back to me; ‘I think Davey will see you
in a little while. I think he has something to say to you.’

Marcia sat with
me for a long time then. I drift into sleep and out of it. She
brings me tea to drink. She looks at me over the rim of her
cup.

‘Marcia….’ I
sound like an old man; voice cracking and soft, ‘I did something I
shouldn’t; but I’m still not sure what happened.’

‘She was
stealing that…. umm; ability from you. And using it?’ Marcia puts
the cup to one side; ‘The other team are coming soon. Dieter will
help us.’

‘No! Marcia….
Tell them not to come! Please…. There is something I haven’t told
you; something that might mean that Alexander gets control of me in
the end.’

‘You think
you’re the only one who has experienced of this kind of thing?’ she
isn’t bossy but matter of fact, ‘we will be going home tomorrow.
I’ll not risk your life anymore.’

‘But Marcia! We
are stuck in this maze with no way of exiting. Don’t you see that…?
Until all the tasks are complete, I am no safer here than back at
home.’ I’m losing my voice, and she looks at me carefully.